I died, I saw my face change.
I cried, I saw my eyes change.
I stared while talking to you in the mirror.
I told you this can’t go on.
It’s not working.
Though I want to love so bad.
And so you told me you’re still just living your life.
And receiving my love.
I died in your arms and I don’t recognize myself.
I cried in your arms and rubbed my eyes.
So hard that they’re in a different position forever.
I stared till I saw exactly in your face how much you care.
I told you this can’t go on forever.
You showed me the long lifeline on my hand.
First thick and only getting thinner and all wonky.
That’s some cruel fate.
And I did want to try living but I keep on dying.
I told you I wanted to try for you.
Receiving your love.
I’m too tired, stiff and dead and I keep on crying.
It’s not working.
It’s not living even though I’m breathing.
Trying to relax, dying.
Though I want to love so bad.
And I have to live so long.
Or break the unbreakable fate somehow.....
But not yet cause right now I’m here dying and crying in your arms.

Don’t call me ever.
Don’t leave me alone.
Don’t ever expect me to show up.
Don’t expect me to not show up.
Pick me up from the floor if you want me to be there.
That’s where you’ll find me these days.
I won’t pick up.
Won’t pick myself up.
I just survive unless you really want you and me to try.
Try to be together for some time.
I close my eyes till we arrive and the place you want to take me.
That’s where you’ll have me fully.
If you and I try.
I close my eyes and drift off sometimes, when you talk I don’t reply.
I hear every word.
I probably love to hear it and think about it.
But I don’t answer right away.
I lie there as your twin baby.
Slowly and slightly reaching for you and pulling away again.
Maybe even do a little dance.
And then start to tell a story that has no end.....

I can’t help but feel like it takes too much to be ok.
So, I’m not ok.
And I take too much.
I am at this point where people don’t always understand I’m not happy or grateful for life.
But I’m not apologizing for how I feel.
I need to be real and I try my best everyday and every night.

But I need to escape.
And I’m figuring out what is working still which is not a lot
But I’m loving the people that may make me feel a little bit more alive each day.
And the things, the little things, the moments where I can drift away from all that is hurting from all that is wrong.

Those things keep me going and are helping me to hold on and stay.
In the moment in the arms of the people that matter.

🩷🥲🤗🩷

Hugs matter, people matter.
Look at the homeless guy looking at nothing.
All of the afternoon.
He’s just sitting with all of his belongings.
On a brick and I gave him a smoothie and he thanked me in the kindest of ways.
And I just walked away, hoping that I gave him a feeling that he mattered.
Because that’s all that I could give in that moment.

And I only expect people to give what they can give.
Cause that’s all that matters, doing what you can and trying your best.
And if in the end, that’s not enough, then you’re still enough.
Because you are a fighter and therefore winning.
Because you’re always growing.

You experience things from many different sides.
So you know what feels right and what does not.

When I open my eyes I see a world I don’t like.        
I want red eyes.
And purple short hair.
Swirls on my cheeks and round glasses.
Too many options.
Always keeping me alive.
But the world inside is the world where I hide.    
The world where the music is creating a whole new space.
And I can be the creature that I want to be.

Blackness and white bones.
Weird shapes and water.

Strong scents in the bathroom.
And the pressure of having a lover.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Eating fruit while on the go.
Naked rough bodies.

Holding hands, shaving heads.
Pineapple stuck between teeth.

Being a loner.
Being a lover.

Not trying to cover.
The marks, the shadows.

Dancing to the deep voices.
With your eyes closed.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Travelling alone without ever settling.
Never forgetting or always forgetting.

I had a lover.
I had to be a loner.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

I am travelling inside with you.
Travelling in peace on my own.

Pressure of being inside with you.
Inside a place on my own feeling so alone.

Travelling around blackness and white bones.
Swimming through weird shapes and water.

Strong feelings in a closed off room.
The pressure of being together.

I'm tired in my eyes.
I'm tired in my head.
I'm tired in my arms.
I'm tired in my legs.

Not yet able to lie down.
Not comfy when I do.
Waking up constantly.
No reason to be alive.

I'm tired, heavy.
I close my eyes.
Sit there.
Feel better.

For a while I'm ok.
I still love you.
I perform a song as I walk on the street.
I'm in this song with the nature.

Everything around me joins in.
For a moment.
Please join me too.
I'm so lonely.

I walk to the half dead place.
I'm walking through the half dead place.
Demp, full of flies and too small bridges over ditches.
No handrails at some points.

I don't feel steady.
I make it out barely.
I want to get out of everywhere in this world.
Nothing makes me feel good.
Only escaping.
Let me escape for good.

Please, Odin.
There's no love and no life in my place.
In my body.
Wandering, dragging.

There's no life in my eyes.
There's no life in my head.
There's no life in my arms.
There's no life in my legs.

There's no love in my place.
There's no love in my arms.
There's no love on my skin.
There's no love getting in.

I'm tired from crying.
I can't stop.
Head in hands.
Trying to stand or feeling the ground.

I don't feel steady.
I make it out barely.
I want to get out of everywhere in this world.
Nothing makes me feel good.
Only escaping.
Let me escape for good.

Watching a dark movie slowly.
In parts.
I don't need a ''feel good'' one ever.
I don't.

I try to feel good.
With you.
Dancing.
Singing, screaming, walking.....

Holding you tight.
As tight as my body feels on me.
Head in hands.
Trying to stand or feeling the ground.

My room has no windows anymore.
It stresses me out to see the cars parked in front of them.
So now there are no windows, no sunlight.
It stresses me out having no windows.
So I go out for walks.
Can't keep walking, must rest cause I feel bad though the walks are nice.

Resting at my room again that has no windows.
Drinking hot tea way too fast.
Eating too much, unable to dance.
Body aching and feeling heavy, my head as well, my heart as well.
Waiting for better days.
Trying to find ways to walk towards and to walk through better days.
Telling myself it's ok.
It's ok to have no windows.

I've not been getting along with my body.
It felt used up so I let it be used to find a way out.
But I didn't find a way out.
Instead I dreamed I got pregnant with a boy.
But it was wrong because of the way it happened.
So my body started to bleed and reclaim its strength, be one with me.
Be one with nature and the wind like I've always been.

Waiting with these walls around me.
Maybe it will work out, maybe not.
In this room together with my body.
We're in this together.
Again for a while.
Even though it aches.
Waiting till these walls again might break.

The windows will fly open.
And I will fly away.
Hopefully I'll see somebody that I love and he won't break my heart.
He's a bit of a rough man, rough on the edges, rough at some parts.
But we got such a connection.
I'm also far from alright, never walk towards the light but straight into the dark.

I told him: I can see in the dark.
But sometimes I wished I was blind.
And he dreamed about it.
He dreamed about me having these black eye contact lenses.
They gave me a super power to deal with the pain and suffering.
I just deal with it already but it would be nice.
Having a super power.
It would help.

Now I got this windowless room.
And this body that actually doesn't want me to keep writing.
My head is spinning.
Muscles tightening.
So I keep waiting and surviving to see the next good thing come around.
And to see my rough man.
Through the darkness, the aching, the ringing in my ears.
Soon we can both run towards the sea maybe.
Sea sight, Syonight.

I'm just really looking forward to it.
But I'm still so young.
And the gravity is pulling so ******* my body.
I could almost dive into the tiles I'm running on.
Running through the heavy feeling, running towards the place where I belong.
I'm looking forward to it so much!
Running towards it like running home after having been in labour.
Feeling sick and tired, doing one hard task after another.
Running towards my family.
But my family is still down here too.
One day I'll be there to pick you up when you're running up to this place.
If you fall along the way I'll lift you to embrace you.
Forever cause we made it.
We've already fought these battles down here.
So many from left to right.
But together we'll be home one day.
I'm just really looking forward to it!

I don’t want to go on.
I’m broken.
There’s nothing left to suffer for.
I used to suffer through saying: I don’t want to go (on).
I hear the voices from the other side of the finish line.
Singing about how the goal is almost reached.                                                         ­       
Why staying in disappointments?
You can get closer to the voices and leave the brokeness behind.
Leave the broken mind.
Leave the mind that can’t give you what your heart deserves.
Leave it all behind, nobody’ll ever save you or they only make it worse.
I want to cry all day, I’m stuck.
Only lying like a vegetable.
Cause now I’m really stuck after trying to be able for too long.
Too many forces working against it so I’m lying here waiting.
Maybe at some point I’ll find a way towards a moment in the day where I can be.
And get it together even though I’m breaking and aching feeling heavy.
Heavy.
Pain.
Bursting.
Brain.
And body.
Nobody can save me.
They make it worse sometimes when I try to make it work.
Because I wanted to make it work, so nice to be together playing and listening.
Nothing ever works though and I’m broken.
I don’t want to go on, no reason left for suffering.
Burning.
Pain.
Heavy.
I hear the voices at the goal singing.
But please be there when I’ll be running cause I’ll have to run to it alone.

I escape in black.
I stop everything.
And run away.
Gone forever.
I run till I find a gate of swirls.
And jump through.
My mind is broken.
My body won’t hold it if I don’t run.
Not all day everyday so I try to run when I can.
Far and long.
Till my body is as tired as my head.
And they crash hopefully.
So I don’t have to hold a broken mind.
But it’s never silent there so even as I crash these voices scream me awake.
They try to talk as I’m running.
So I try to silence them till I drop.
Run me over!
I’m done running from and towards things.
I’m done dropping being broken all the time.

A project of love instead of a project of fear.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Fear coming from hope and expectation.
Letting go.
Not expecting, but accepting and trusting.

It’s all I can do.
Before I’m ready to leave.
I think I’m done with all that this world has brought.

But now I’m still taking steps towards leaving.
And that thought is soothing.
Also trying to be in the moment and accepting.
It is what it is.

My journey.
I won’t fight it.
It’s been torture but it’s a process.
My project.
My torment.
My breaking point.
Every time, the things that come back again.

But now I need to let go.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Are you ok?
Why can I not be with the people that I love the most? Why do I not even know how they are right now? My mental health gets in the way. I’m not ok, ok? And I’m pretty sure you’re not doing much better than me. So from a distance here’s my love. I hope it reaches you. I might as well be dead. It’s just the same. But now let’s meet each other in dreams if we could actually sleep. I’d hold you like I can’t when I’m awake. I will never let you go. Not in death, not in my heart. We are together somehow. Somewhere, some time. Hold on until I can hold you. We’ll be ok, ok?

After this week I am somebody else again.
The end of another week of nights of torture, days of agony.....
I'm moving into my final shell from where I'm able to see.
Through a red window I follow the path.

My energy is low cause I wasn't allowed any sleep.
I'm falling so deep into a sleep that I'm woken up out of straight away.
Electrical shocks before that day where I can enter my final shell.
And then it's going to be another massive aching.
A battle of breaking that I have to be taking.

You know I'm bursting everyday and night but all my spirit guides let me be here and fight.
I do receive gifts that I should be happy for, I am but it's always just enough.
Just enough to give it all.
And maybe at some point it's just been ENOUGH!
But I don't even know if the place I'm longing for is that peaceful at all.
It might just be another and much greater type of war.
A cosmic war of energy to end this for once and for all.

But I will be joining the team and I've learned from everything I've felt so deeply and all the sorrow I've seen.
I just need to find the will to take this pill after I've entered my final shell around here.
I should not have any fear of letting go cause it's been enough.
Enough intense suffering, torturing, pain and sorrow.

It's time for love, peace and maybe it will take a huge fight.
I'll see when I arrive.
As long as I'm ready it will not be as scary.
But it is still incredibly scary to let go of just everything you've known since you've been thrown into this world.
This horrific state and place to be in for what seems like 1000 years of imprisonment and torment.

I'm joining this team of freedom warriors and we'll declare that it's our time.
No longer should we be having to go through things that are keeping us down low.
Taking our energy and spirit for life away and burry us in a heavy dark substance where we just need to follow the rules.

The rules are going to be ignored, we're gonna listen to what's good for US from now and rise above all of this horror.
Fly with me to the place where love is real and you can feel it without being down there in thick mud on the floor crying.
Let us scream, no more, NO MORE, NOOO MOOORREEE!!!!

To life,

Don’t take this as an angry note please but I’m out of this game. I won’t be scared to fail anymore. I know there will always be something not ok in here. For me that’s what it always has been like. I was called “too sensitive” or “weird” constantly. I tried to explain myself or situations in hope to make a difference. And I hope it shifted some little parts. I was always a part of something far beyond this place. The experience of life. On earth. But this game got me tired like I lived 3300 years instead of 33. I will turn 33 this February. If I make it. And if so I’m still out of the game. Because I’m following my own plan alone. No fears, no care. I’m beyond the caring about things. I will always care about people. Especially the ones who’s journeys have crossed mine and made it worth it. But this game ends for me. The challenges are over, I’m just existing here now. Making the best of it. That alone takes a lot. But that’s all I’m willing to bring to this world from now on. My best without caring so much about it being the best version. Just the version I am. And if that feels too wrong to be here I’ll be gone forever. Out of this game and out of this place for good because it doesn’t feel good. Even worse now. I’m feeling old, tired, worn out, not excited anymore. Thanks for all the things falling into place whenever they needed to. I appreciate it. I’ve noticed it. Thanks for the growth. But there’s been too much decay in me to stay here.

Sincerely,

Sharon
A.k.a Zeena and all the other versions and names before.

I used to lie down in the fields with the hills late at night.
I know here on earth you have to work for what you need, you have to fight....

Looking up to the sky I asked for knowledge about life.
Let me please find out the reason why I have to be here being tortured, why I have to be alive!

I spread my arms and felt the raindrops on my face and my whole body.
Then I went to the tree in the centre, curled up around it asking for a friend to understand me.

Later I did receive the answers from the years and beautiful people that came by.
So now I should be thankful to receive everything I asked for but I still feel I like I could die.

I also learned to claim my power, everybody is allowed to.
It's a power to get what we wish for, we have a right to, me and you.

Let's claim our power!
It's always been our power.
Our!

Hold me through the sleepless nights.
Don't let me die alone.
I know it's probably too much to ask.
So was my life.
Too much to ask from a single person, from a single life.
I'm not alone in this kind of suffering.
And it's been never my intension to make it any worse.
Even though my suffering affects you and you go through yours and mine with me.
I can thank you forever and promise to do anything to make it better.
Not in this lifetime I'm sure.
Know that I loved you more and more each moment that we got to make this life have meaning.
Or just escaped the suffering or shared it.
And you let me escape from not sleeping, not living.
You made me feel alive.
Like only music can do too.
This was my life.
Don't let me die alone.
But it's probably too much to ask.
Music is the only friend I have left.
When something is just simply too much to ask from a single person.
Only music is strong enough to carry me.
Stronger than me but still always fighting with me.
I lost that energy to keep on fighting now especially when the days and nights are lonely.
But some things are just too much to ask from a single person, a single life.
Let me die, let me allow myself to die.
Even when it has to be alone.
Alone with my music.
And let me not be alone when I made it to the place that I'd call home.
Let me rest before the battle.
Let me regain my strength.
And then **** off all that is just too much to ask from a single person, from a single life.

You dug your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom of my fingers.
I asked you to do it once again after you finished.
That was too intense.

But now I'm tired and you are lost again somewhere in your own head.
At a place you share with people that are not friends.
What will happen when I move away from your work place?
You live in a shelter, can you even stay with me when I move in 3 weeks?

You can't escape.
Just like me, I have to keep on moving, continue this torture.
Do you want to escape with me?
It seems, not really.
You don't invite me but when I invite you, you sometimes like it.
You still talk about how it was your very first concert when I asked you out.

But all you do is hurt me.
And sometimes it excites me so intensely, you feel to me like nobody ever felt before.
You like my body and I'm like nobody you know.
But you don't show me that you care so much, still you ask me to sit beside you.

And I reach for your hand....
For you to dig your nails into my hand.
On the inside at the bottom my fingers.
I ask you to do it once again after you finish.
That is so intense.

Thought I could be save in his arms.
But that was only a dream.
I want to die.
He says he can’t give himself.

Now it’s taking too much energy, thinking about him.
All I had, all hope lost.
Always lost.
And so incredibly lonely.

Thought I could be save in peace.
Peace has never been here in this world, it’s always a challenge.
My body’s tired but I’m never ready to leave.
I want to feel him over it once more.

Always.
Once more.
Oh save me.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.

It hurts between my eyes.
He can’t receive me with all my pain and intensity.
Can I still try?
Die, try, cry, all the time.

Only small moments.
I long for those moments with him.
His body that's much warmer and so much older than mine.
His face, his head and my tight sensitive body holding it in its hands.

I only have myself, very free.
Free but cold.
Even Odin feels how cold I am when he lies on top of me.
We’re both not able to warm each other as long as I’m with the living.

It’s the hardest thing to do, leaving your body voluntarily.
But I need to.
Save me from this curse called “hope”.
I need to let go.

Always.
Over and over I realise.
I need to not be here.
Here where it’s lonely.

Save me from this curse called “hope”.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong to.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
Life's never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Let's be in love again and just stay in that bubble.
For one day.
One more day, ok?

I just ate a quarter of a whole apple pie on my own.
I feel so alone, I feel so alone, I feel so alone.
I'm longing for you and you only.
But if I loved you too much I'd just be leaving you lonely.
Even though you've always managed to pull yourself through life.
Losing your best friends, your father, your wife.
She's still your number one, that's fine.
Cause for now I can love you and for a moment you're mine.

Please be with me and hug me even if it's just for one more day again.
I love you, I love you, you are my favourite man.
I hate life, I have to get out, I can't do anything.
But the only thing that feels right is just being with you and loving.
And you will hate me for the pain I'm causing, you can't seem to be able to ever get a break.
I think by now life is just trying to see how much you can take.

Taking on me.
Till I'm gone fully.
Eat me like the quarter of a whole apple pie.
With whipped cream and everything till the day that I die.
Just for a day, for one more night and morning.
Cause I'll still always be longing.
As long as my body is still breathing I want yours against it.
Even if it's just an evening till the reality must hit.

It feels so good to love you.
I know it's wrong too.
To even tell you cause you'll lose me.
And life's just never been easy.
Not to you or me so let's pick a day to lie down and cuddle.
Be in love again like you said it: we're at our best in that bubble.
Even if it's just for one day.
One more day, ok?

Let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery.
And probably make things worse a lot.
With all that struggling that my head brings from the relationship we've got.
My brain and your brain.
Build to let our heart frequency go down too far, down through the drain.

Not that it can completely do that or ever fully will.
It just makes us both feeling exhausted, pretty bad and really ill.
But we're always taking steps, step by step, learning.
Keeping balance, trying and giving just about everything.

We're like yin and yang.
But there's a shotgun on our heads: bang bang!
Take it, suffer, fight intensely, fall down, there's nothing that you can do.
So let me show you where I used to go to.
The fight's insane.
I want to make it ok and release you from your brain.

You know you are strong, I am too.
I needed shelter back then so that's where I'm taking you to.
About 8 years ago.
Now you know.

Please heal, we both still have a journey left ahead.
But also done so much work before that it left us feeling (brain)dead.
My body can't turn this around.
But it's time for you to find back that strength and use it again to burn that pain down to the ground.
When the sun will rise, you must do too some day like a phoenix from a flame.

Like I had to in many ways but you should stay there cause you earned it in this horror story game.
Nobody had to suffer like you which makes you that more special.
Like out of all the shining sun rays you're the brightest of them all!
Little sister, let me take you to my sanctuary.
I know I can't take you out of your misery but I can take you here finally.

I’m a brave person.
I don’t have to reside with this fate of helplessness.
I will run towards the setting sun.
And dance till the night arrives where I lay down.
And I’m not afraid, I want to be hard.

Because I get bored of eating poisoned apples on my own.
And the peanut butter that I scoop them in makes my skin bad.
The cinnamon is nice though.
I throw it around.

Feeling comfortable in the torture.
Break everything that is keeping me on this ground.
I hold my own blood in my hands up to the sky.
One day I will see a burning sunset.

I will not follow it but stand in the centre waiting.
I am ready.
Burn me till I’m free.
I'm brave.

You found yourself somebody else.
My world turned cold.
My body's restless and in pain.
I should think about what matters, who matters.
But nothing will ever feel ok.
We can't create our own little world anymore.
Everybody leaves, everybody gets away.
I was so scared to hurt that I forgot that I'd be the one left in the end.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

You found yourself somebody.
I told you I wanted you to.
But why did it have to be before I was ready to leave?
This world is cruel, cold and dark.
Especially when you're always fighting lonely.
It won't be pleasant again.
But you can't hurt me anymore either cause I know the truth.
But this is the end of hope.
Hope for anything better.

I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

I should think about the people that matter.
We've always been fighting alongside each other.
Like a true family.
We just couldn't live together.
I wish we could at least feel free together, maybe once when I'm away.
Away from this world and body.
I'm so proud of you and me, we've done everything.

But I can never live with somebody.
Myself included cause the fighting's been going on too long.
I'm old and fragile but still fighting strong.

Coming out of the dark dust, the grey fog, the deep blue.....
To see you but you don’t want me actually.
You just miss something and somebody and sometimes I can fill that void.
You fill mine too.
And I thought I loved you but you showed me that I can’t.
So I try not to but it’s not working.
So here I come again out of the dark dust, the grey fog, the deep blue.
I wish you could see me.
Really see me through all the dust, grey fog and blue.
Maybe you would actually find me.
And find what you miss.
But you can’t.
Maybe you try but it’s not working.
So here I go again.
Back into the dark dusk, the grey fog, the deep blue.

It’s so hard.
Or lonely.
Or both.
It’s so uncomfortable or stressful.
Or both.
It’s full of love.
It’s full of darkness.
And both.

Dizzy in the morning or lonely in the night.                    
You tired or me tired.
Or me all by myself.
No peace.
Ever.
It feels wrong or depressing.

Headaches, heartaches.
Heavy feelings.
What to do and how?
Life is hard when you’re sensitive.
Life is hard anyways.
Where’s the beauty in this darkness?
I seemed to have lost it somewhere far away.
I feel completely lost in dark space.
Nobody to hold.
Tears keep on falling.
Like me in this body feeling too heavy to move.

I’m just going to stay down here.
And see what will happen.
See what I can find.
I’ll stop searching.
I’ll just lie here in the dark.
Knowing what I need.
I made it clear but it’s not here ever.
So I’ll lie down and see where I must go.

I’m here still.
Still for you.
Still for me.
Aching but breathing.
Nothing to lose but still being turtored.
It’s possible when you got nowhere to go.
Crying so much and so hard till I became as numb as you were already towards me.
Cause I make you tired eventually, always.
Now it drained me too completely.
So we try to sleep.
But never together,
never at the same time.....
And I hate this life.

It’s so hard.
Or lonely.
Or both.
It’s so uncomfortable or stressful.
Or both.
It’s full of love.
It’s full of darkness.
And both.

I’m sad, I woke up stressed.
As most days wherever I am.

I needed an angel to talk to.
In the night so I called you.  
As always hell was way too loud for me and my broken body.
Especially last night when I needed an angel to calm me.
I wish I could say: I fought myself through it again like the nights before.
But my body got extra sore.
My mind was extra weak.
Soaking tears were on each cheek.
You calmed the howling dog in hell.
But wore it down with that story you did tell.
Anyhow, you made it stop wailing.
We closed our eyes peace inhaling.
I talked a little to your true angel wife in the sky.
The final thing that got my eyes to dry.
So I turned over.
The next thing I can’t remember......

I don’t know when, I don’t know if I can.  
Not now, but somehow I’ll find you.
Looking around, people, always on the go or struggling.
Or both I’m just watching and I don’t know when and where I’ll go.

I am walking and searching in a demp place.
Flies in my face.
Missing something, somebody but I've got to be with me.
I will never be yours, I know.
I've never had a life that allowed me to stay and be somebody's girl or wife.
Now I'm lost in a demp place with flies.
Again on my my own.
I can't stick around for too long with anyone but the evenings are so silent.
The pain of knowing that tomorrow I'll be alone.
On important dates like 24-07-21.
24/7, it used to be a date set to go but I'm not ready yet.
Though I don't know where to go.
How to love if nobody's ever really going to be able to call me theirs.
I carry that love around and I've got to be with me.
Connected to nature.
Free but lonely and always walking.
With flies around.
Going into the demp dark place with the high trees, too much humidity.
The deeper I go in, the more I lose my breath.
I start coughing.
Time to go back.
This place is not right.
But where do I go?
Now on my own again.

Headaches and glassy eyes.
Restless nights.
Too many sleep meds.
Pulled out of my dreams.
Away from life.

Dead eyes.
Colourless and white.
See through.
Can you see?
Can you hear?

My voice on the street, in pain, in need.
Everybody feels pressure.
But not the same.
Stiff but moving.
Anyway.

I close my eyes.
The pain never leaves.
I feel the spirits hugging me.
I die, I need to always die.
Let it slide, nothing is important.

Life is just a dream.
Even when it hurts.
Even when you have glassy eyes.
Restless nights.
Colourless and white.

Remind me to let it flow.
Let go and die, nothing's important.
But sometimes when I can still...
I want to hold you.
Can we do that once more?

Headaches.
Heartbreaks.
Sitting in the aches.
Pulled out of my dreams.
Away from life.

Dead eyes.
Colourless and white.
See through.
Can you see?
Can you hear?

When I have the energy.
I build the good tension up slowly.
And you feel it.
Deep inside.
For a moment.

Moments, not days.
Trying, not having to.
The best you can, not perfect.
Beautiful, not flawless.
Loving fully, not temporarily for a moment.
Understanding, not demanding.
Somehow making it through.
To see you again being able to function.
Untill not anymore.

I'm just sitting here staring.
Sometimes eating.
Feeling too heavy.
I force myself to move every day.

Just hold me.
So I don't feel so heavy.
When you hold me.
I don't feel so heavy.

In the evening when I'm so alone, solo.
I know it's over already.
Cause I'm never living anymore for so long.

Now finally there's a pill to take but it takes time.
Actually dying, I've tried it before.
Done the irreversible acts, so I thought.

But this time I will know for sure.
It takes time though.
It takes more before, more different pills.
All alone, so alone, solo.

Somehow I can't.
Should I die singing?
I'm not dying crying.

They say: you will know when you're ready.
They say a lot of stuff.
I don't think I can ever be ready.
Not even almost.

I just know that going on is never ever working.
So now I'm just sitting here on the verge of crying.
But there are never any tears.

Just a feeling, some more eating and just staring.
Forcing my body to go outside walking.
Only walking, it is the only thing.
The only thing that is somewhat comforting and not destructive.

Something that is not eating.
While I'm carrying this feeling that I should be able to escape.
I keep asking, bagging myself to help myself.
Out of love, out of the pain.
I can do this.

Not leading anybody on.
Including me.
I wish there was a doctor of mercy who could put me down.
But no, this is all on me.
So lonely, solo.

I take pictures of nature.
Listen to Eminem on walks.
Alone together with somebody.
So escaping once again in the only place on earth that feels comfy.
It’s over, there’s no point in giving, trying, living.
I’m even going for easy poetry to express myself today.
I’m tired and there’s not much left to go on for.
But an old hotel waiting for me at the end of this month.
And my family to visit at my old hometown.
Hoping that I’ll make it till I’ll go there.
Even though it takes everything out of me.
And I’m not sure what home is for me personally.
I can’t be in this world.

Always hard for me to be with my family and it’s hard to live for them too.
But they can still somehow.
And I can when I try hard sometimes as well.
Would be nice if it was worth it.
If my energy would last a little longer.
I’m not the only one who has this problem.
Let’s hold hands then.
Love me and I come from wherever.
Nothing to lose.
Nothing left that will give me life again but still things to give.
And if it’s worth it, why not?

I'm so tired.
Tired of this world.
Staying stuck in this position.

And I know you've tried everything.
Many times had everything and everybody against you.
Still standing strong, working it out on your own.

I faced my battles with piercing eyes as well.
Although they turned dull and darker, life energy taken away.
My soul is strong still as you can see.

I'll dance for you and my fingertips will reach out.
Your naked body and mine moving.
While looking into each other's tired eyes.

Mixed feelings, always mixed heavy feelings.
There’s no straight line, just tight knots.
Where’s the end?
Where’s does this start?

I can’t let go, I can’t keep going.
Can’t just burn these ropes, cannot lose it all.
Wrapped up in discomfort.

So tightly but I can still dance when I’m with you.
But I need to use the tight knots to remind myself: I’m never free until I leave.

But when I leave there’s no life left to hold on to.
That’s no way to be.
That’s just a dead body hanging by a thread.

If I can’t work towards my future, then I should accept my death
I’m mentally terminal

Intensely over it
Giving up with passion
Raging from the depth

Nailed to the ground
Dropped like a sack of potatoes
Fights are over

There is no more fighting fire
Just burning
Crawling through the still burning ashes

Recurring nightmares.
Not in my sleep.
Wish I could sleep.
Sleep it away.
Be comfy.
Be ok with life.
Fighting some more.
Too much again.
Through the next few days and nights.
Hopefully without too much damage.

Last night was a disaster.
The morning a mess.
Too much went wrong.
Damaged my clothes, washed them too hot at half past 5 am.
Because sleeping wasn't an option.
Thinking is not happening.
Just doing, just doing, always just having to do, be this.
Being in this world, being like this.
Feeling so **** uncomfortable!

Loving too **** much to let go.
But we cannot sleep together.
We cannot make each other happy in the long run.
Just moments.
Moments where you come to me, I come to you.
Giving each other strength and love.
So strong.
Everything ***** but love is so strong.
I just realised most of my friends are around 60 years old.
Who will survive who?

Naturally I will survive most likely.
I don't want to, so I know my fate again, I'm not going to be left behind.
But I'll try to stay and only care for the now.
Live now if you can call it that at all.
In the moment where I keep falling in love.
With love for you all.
Love heals for a moment, love takes you away.
Like music and magic.
Naturally, spiritually.
It's all inside of me, the agony, the pain and the joy.
But now let me sleep.....

The torturing sleepless nights where all the bad keeps coming to me in my dreams....

Sometimes I get up and eat too much.
Sometimes I start planning my death.
Life is so cruel.
The days aren't even working either.
My bed isn't a save place, doesn't stay comfy when I get it comfy.
And waking from everything!
So many things happening to wake me, through the earplugs, through the sleeps meds.

So I sit here again feeling too heavy holding my head in my hand.
Will I try again, give all I can again, mess up the mattress again probably by tossing and turning?
Nothing's working, I keep trying but why why why!?
I should have the courage to end it all, be a true Viking after all.
But death remains a strange thing and my good friends and family need me to stay a little longer.

But how much more torture is worth it when life won't ever work again?
Relationships don't ever work, ocd and intrusive thoughts are always coming.
Triggers from things I don't understand that my sister said, she triggers me like nobody else even though she's so nice and also suffering.
I dream about her, ocd and horror.
Sometimes the ocd is waking me up again too.

The worst scenario cause it ***** up everything even more.
I'm my dream I'm the one torturing her, breaking her skull.
But actually it's the ocd I want to **** and the pain of not being comy, not sleeping, not being able to just love and have a relationship.
Guess I'll have to **** me for that, but what is death?
I know life is our own journey, for us to develop, but the torture neeeds to end!
FINALLY!

Tomorrow is a strange thing.
It keeps on happening but you're never there.

So is my longing.
My longing for death.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I believe in myself.
I have to do what I have to do.

Somehow.
Somehow I can.

Death is so strange.
Life is insane.

And people take it as fact.
But it's all just an act and a trap.

So,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

I must, I can't just be sick or old.
Suddenly explode.

No, I must fight.
As always.

But I believe in myself.
I have to do it alone.

Out of love for myself.
Out of love for tomorrow.

The day when I passed away.
And there will be no tomorrow for me.

I'll be off into the far away.
Swimming, living in a tree.

Singing and diving.
Never again dying.

I love you.
Please keep loving me.

And believe in yourself.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Believe in your feelings.
Believe in your love.

Cause,

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Then the suffering and torture,
they'll be finally over.

I hate this life out of love.
Out of love I hate the suffering of the people.

One day it will be that day.
Actually tomorrow.

Out of love and understanding.
Out of love for myself and you.

Out of love for the universe.
The love from the universe.

Out of love I shall come.
Out of love I will go.

“I want to die”, I scream so many times.
Like death is some kind of “utopia”.
Like freedom.
Like belonging.
That is what it feels like.
But I also know I will never be ready for it.
Until maybe that moment when it’s actually happening.

But planning it is scary to me.
Knowing it’s going to happen.
I’m bad at letting go.
But this world has never been ok, right or safe.
And I know it’s not supposed to be.
I knew it from the start cause I didn’t come out of the womb.

I’m always ready to leave.
Yet, I’m never really ready.
I lie inside my grave with my eyes open and my hands digging in the soil.
Still not closing my eyes and letting go.
Until that won’t open wide enough for my body to give in.
Till it completely falls apart.
Then I’d have to let go.
My old jacket is finally torn and falling and I am reaching out to that girl.

That girl that already found her way towards another place.
And I change into my new form.
Like I’ve been changing into different forms.
In my way here in this life.
But then I can finally completely change without it taking everything from me.
Finally be exactly what I want to be.
Home.
Why am I so scared?
To let go. 🥲

It’s probably not supposed to be easy.
I’m not supposed to be able to leave whenever I want to or need to.
That would not fit with the journey.
And the experience.
Being in this world, it has rules to it.
I guess I just have to be really brave.

Disappointment was the key word to our relationship for me.
I was willing to commit, to work and fight for it.
You weren't even fully in, sometimes giving me everything just to throw it away the next day.
Disappointment constantly.

It hurt to be with you.
Now it hurts not to see you or even hear from you.
When I don't call it stays silent, you've given me a wrong treatment.

You said so many wrong things.
I let it slide, wanted to believe in better days, better moments.
But many times for whole full days you just checked out.
Days in a row breaking me by not being there while being next to me.
It took all of my energy and strength to exist in that way being sensitive and already suffering and struggling.
So badly, and then you use my weaknesses against me when I tell you about how you're just not there.
Or even kind of only taking what you like of me, not wanting me completely.

I let it **** with my heart.
I let you **** with my heart.
You knew me so well, understood my full story.

And I know yours.
And the pain it brings to me now because you don't really want me, you don't really care.

Only sometimes you really seem to.
Stop that.
I stopped that.
Now it's silent.

You seem to be just fine with it.
Maybe making up some story to friends and family of how I let you down and they'd agree.
I'm crazy, no good.
Never been any good.
Throwing your whiskey down the drain because once again you had changed.
I bought you a new bottle almost right away anyway.
Not because I thought I was wrong but because it shouldn't be about the money, the whiskey.
I didn't care.
But for you....

you cared about the whiskey and everything else.
You share fantasies on websites about a woman who got away.
She's not me.
You know I can see and read it.
You don't mind, you don't care.

Sometimes you really do, always disappointing me cause ''she's always there''.
Always coming back.
I'm trying so hard this time not to, I know I can, I know.
Eg veit, ''elskaði mín''.

If I don't cry hysterically, the migraine will come.
A swirl of blocks and bricks of pain is brightly moving through my sight.
So I listen to my heart and body while slightly moving them into another direction.
Just because I don't deserve to cry over somebody that's telling lies.
I had the strength to move through life because you gave me a reason.
Now I move to try to escape the pain.
I'm not moving on, I'm fighting on as always.
But I don't want to do it all by myself no more.
I'm feeling too old for that now and why should I have to?
There's no reason left to do so anymore since the 8 days that I'm waiting.
Waiting for nothing.
Because the truth came out and it's too late to try to make it right.
Cause you are not sorry, it turns out.
So I'm waiting for a reason that turned out to be a lie.

I’m tired.
You’re tired.
Sleep required.

But things are not right.
So staying up. Pouring a cup.
Hot chocolate…

And later fixing, always fixing things.
And the day was overwhelming so drinking. Shutting down, feeling worse than before.
Of course, a cycle of more, more, more.

And less rest, stressed.
I’m not alone, yet so alone.
Not a home, not a place.
Parents from back in the days saving face.
Not the children.

Like having them was also just a social construct.
And it hasn’t changed.
But now parents are supposed to give them a choice.
As if they have any.
Being put in this world.
It’s empty.
Sad and demanding.

So we freeze or escape.
At least we try to.
But some need to stay, it’s not their time to.
Not their time to leave.
It goes on forever, torture, pain, fighting, grief.
So much learning, developing, experience.
Never ending.
Story.
Telling.
Finally telling.

No longer covering up truth pouring out from our insides.
No more.
Lies.
Saving face.
Just crying and sad.
Save us!
Let us be, set us free.
Let us go.
World of sorrow.
Let us live.
Not be dead in here.
Die in fear.
Let us run and escape.

Fly like heroes.
Take our own shape.
Have our own love.
Find our kin. From whitin, fly above.

Above the pain that’s been going around.
Cycles finally broken and we are found by mothers of the universe.
We are loud, proud and free.
Having experienced this for eternity but now finally we come out.

I’ll be my own witch mother.
Telling myself that I’m only allowed to be upset when all hope dies and nothing is alright.
Only then I can run to the half dead place and scream.
Curse the day that I was born and the days I didn’t die but really tried.

Gently she whispers as I cry:
Have tea, hold on, trust the situation now.
If you can’t and get betrayed, you may still run.
As fast as you can, cry as loud as you must, as determined as ever.
But before that you must wait and see if it’s possible to pull through.

Hold on longer, even longer.
Fight alone but with this whisper in your ear.
Whispers from your own witch mother, gently blowing these words at you.
Guiding you through the torturing night......
Again.

Cause there’s something important that needs for you to stay.
Something truely beautiful waiting as well.
You must stay.
You will stay.
You will hold on.
You can.

It will be done.
It shall as it must.
And it will through the tears, through the pain, through the suffering.
You know it never fully broke your spirit.

Even though it always kept on killing, breaking, shattering, destroying everything for you.
You kept creating a new way.
You can again.
And if not you’re allowed to run, be upset and cause a storm.

Maybe I should take a pause and reflect.
But I keep running around in circles.
What does actually work?
And who is actually caring enough to not leave me wondering?
What am I to you?
The only valid reason I can think of why you don't know what I am to you is me wanting to die.
All the other stuff is *******, cut the crap and don't ever check out again.
Or else I'm out forever.

I'm already giving up, taking risks like travelling towards my triggers.
Knowing it will cause more damage but I have to keep on moving.
I just can't keep sitting here just waiting on you.

While nothing, like actually nothing is actually working.
Not even my body even though it looks like it.
Same with my pretty sister, here and there a pretty picture.
Look inside and relax, take a break, always wait.
Always fight, no escape, no one there to hold the weight.

Always carrying it around.
Meanwhile trying to get ready just to sing and fly again.
I don't want to fight alone no more, it's hurting and I can't hold on no more.
I keep and kept on saying it.
This world doesn't believe it is a possibility to feel this way about it.
Still I keep seeing all these double numbers but then I try and nothing happens.
Trying to be grateful for the little things.

I'm never where I want to be, never receiving the right energy from people that I need.
Look at me, look inside, and hold me tight, acknowledge it, let me know you understand.
Or don't and tell me, I need to know so I can just follow my own path instead and forget you.
But actually I can't.
Not really, just for a moment.
Cause in a way I think we're good, and I get it.
It's destiny.

When does it end?
It always keeps going on, always gives me just enough to keep on going.
It's not living, it's slavery.
Destiny on earth is more like slavery to me cause I'm sick, actually sick and so so tired!

So let me go find what I need or let me leave.
See and find a way out.
Like in that dream.
Last night I walked through a dark lane again with a flash light.
Saw a little boy, tried to be nice.
We both tried to find a way out and he seemed to not know what to think of me.
Don't worry, nobody knows, not even me but I won't harm you so just follow me and let's just try to find our way.

I don't mind the dark but I mind the pain, I want to get out.
Not feel heavy or sad and have nothing actually working, reflecting.
Reflecting my own light in this darkness every time.
Cause there's no other light than the light from where I actually come from.
Sometimes I feel them, my soul family actually come to me for a group hug.
Let's take a pause and just sit here.
As always, helpless.

I long for that day where I can close my eyes and give up forever. When I’m able to let go. Peacefully. But maybe I will not go like that. Maybe I’ll have to also fight my way out. I’m a Viking after all. And the waters were always dark. Wild, wavy, deep. So I couldn’t rest. So my skin cracked, my eyes stung. I haven’t been soft since childhood. But I do know what caring about someone means. And music is a medicine that helps more than anything ever could. Doctors could never give me anything that helped. This world has taught me so many lessons. Has made me experience so much. Hopefully I can use this to get a broad perspective on existence. I think I will. But for now I don’t know where my ship is sailing. Not in calm waters. That’s all that I can say. I want to sleep. I want to go home. I want to sail towards the sky. Drown into the deep sea. And never come back to the shore of this world.

There's no doubt, you're gonna break.
Your body, your mind, your heart.
And two very broken people don't become a whole part together.
Usually it's very complicated.

But they understand.
We're all going to break and we all need to find our way.
When you feel completely broken, just hold on because you got noting to lose.

Easier said than done and nobody really seems to understand how far it has gone.
Out of hand and beyond repair.
But there's a way and a beauty that you carry inside.

A beautiful broken person full of cracks.
Bursting from love and sorrow.

But so powerful.
Knowing it has nothing to lose and still keeps on fighting.
You're going to break.

Maybe more than others and many people won't understand.
Only you will know the way.
The way you break.
The way to go on.
With or without other broken people.
You will love and break and continue to love.

Maybe even break so hard that there's no way out but only in death or dying over and over.
And people will not understand.
But they will see your ''crazy'' smile like you're saying: I've been through it all, and I'm still continuing.

And you do it because you can.
For yourself and because of the love for others and things that can make you feel better.
You're a fighter.
And you will break completely.

Everything of you and everything you like.
And you get up and rise with the power you gained from the knowledge of love and pain.
Bursting, erupting, flying and screaming.
Nothing to lose.
Still fighting.

Till the very end, till there's nothing left for you inside and outside to use in your fight.
And then you leave with a smile cause you can.
You can finally say: It's over now.

You didn't lose, you gave everything and have done everything you had to.
Then it's time to go.

Two broken people don't become whole until they both are gone.
Until they both are whole.
And they meet again.
In their new found form.

When it's time to go.
And you're ready to leave.
Leaving with a smile cause you can.
Then you can finally say: It's over now.

I hate to admit the only thing that makes me feel ok is beer.
Nothing works.
I want to not care.
But it takes forever to make my bed right.
To put the pillow down in the right position without distraction.
And I did put it down, but I got distracted, it went wrong and so I started drinking beer again.

And I know I should be patient.
I know I should be peace.
But I’ve been through discomfort too many times for too long.
That I find it hard to just accept it.
That it’s not ok and that doesn’t feel ok.
Life has never been ok for me, has never really been working.

Although I keep saying that I’ve done so much learning.
So I accept my fate but let it be over in the end because I can’t keep on doing this.
Over and over every day, trying to make it ok.
Please let me die in peace one day like I’m dying in peace and beer every night when I pass out for three hours on the couch.
It’s better than dealing with everything, although everything comes back when I wake up.

And I try to make things right before I start drinking.
Why has it come to this?  
It has always been like this.
Just in different ways.

Eating, exercising, not eating, trying to compensate for eating…
Running running, running running running.
Or just screaming.
Drinking, drowning, puking, wishing I could be puking.
But just passing out again.
Because it takes forever to make life work for me.

I didn’t come out of the womb, I didn’t want to.
But now I know, I had a very rough journey to get through somehow.
And I’ve had the best people in my life that I could wish for.
But one day it should be over and it shouldn’t take too long.
I shouldn’t get too old.
I’m so done done done done done done done done fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting fighting trying trying trying trying trying.

Even giving up and it’s not even stopping the pain.
Not entirely, although it helps a bit to give up.
Please understand, just have compassion.
I have suffered all of my life in many ways and I still am.

But I am working on a good end to all of this.
Let’s finish this book of horror and pain, agony, and intense torture!
And yes, I had good moments.
Yes, I had the best of company.
Yes, I try to be free and yes, I had adventures.
I’m grateful, I’m ok with it.

But I’m NOT with the continuous suffering!
And I know this life isn’t fair, but really it is so so so so so so so so unfair in many ways.
Not just my life, I see it all around.
Some people found a way to manage it, but I have NEVER been able to really.
And DID I try!
I tried.

This life, a journey full of pain.
It’s ok, but I’m done!
I’m holding on, but I hope for the end.
And I hope I can hold on for a good one, a good end to all of this.
I owe it to myself and to the people in my life.
But if it’s not possible, then that’s also my journey.

And I hope it doesn’t have to come to that, but if it does, it does.
And I’m just being honest because that’s life, that’s what it is.
That’s this life.
I heard the song by Mark Knopfler on the radio at the hairdressers today, ‘What it is’.

I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.
Just hold my body in the ocean.
I know it's just the ocean, I know it's just me lying.....

It's cold and exhausting.
Always restless, always a mess, my mess, my own.
I'm falling alone.
I'm singing on my own.

Even though I walk outside.
Even when I have a friend.
I love you but I'm swimming, flying and falling here.
All alone every night and day.

Even when you grab my hand.
I'm in this body all alone.
I have nobody else to hold it for me here.
I pretend to fly when I'm outside.
It sounds like I am, the birds sure seem to think I'm one of them.
Together we're screaming.
But I'm still here on the ground.
Curling up so heavily.

The ground may just send a little wave all the way to where you live.
Can you feel it?
If you can't feel me now or understand me, I might as well leave completely.

When people mean well and try to give advise it bothers me.
Sometimes I get angry, you don't know.
You don't get how it feels even though you're hurting too.
Just hold this body, hopefully it will feel right this time.
I still want to love.
Choose love.

Let it calm me.
Just hold on to it.
Love around here feels so blurry.
It doesn't fit inside.
Not inside this heavy broken piece that is me in here.
Cracking every day and night.

Maybe you can just hold me like a gem again.
I could be flickering all over.
All over you.
Spread me out and throw me in the sky.
I won't feel so heavy.

The sand is sparkly, holding my body.
The ocean just pushed me back to the land.
I've been holding my breath for too long.
Even with my eyes closed it's exhausting.

I deserve to be free.
Free from you.
Free from this pain.
Not have my heart aching.
And follow my own path.

I'm grateful for the things I did have.
But now I want to go.
I did receive love.
Comfort from things, clothes, music, bodies.
I'm happy to leave, it's ok and fine.

I'm ready to let go.
Let go of everything.
Be content.
And be glad to be ready when I am.
I'm letting go.

I am free.
Grateful and happy to follow my own path.
Free from pain.
Free from my body.
But I can still be this person that I am.

This part of something bigger that I can see.
I have it all in me.
It will all be meaningful and loving.
Now I know how to give this intense type of love.

Cause I learned to lose it and feel it and store it for the right kind.
I'm ready to get ready.
Set me free.
For meaning and love.
Following my own path free from pain.
Letting go.

When you forget the feeling of what it's like to be loved you don't miss it as much.
You are one with yourself.
This journey is for you and you don't have to share it.
Share energy,
You grow alone and sometimes may share your findings with friends and family.

Although sometimes maybe something is missing but you're ok.
On your own you decide what to do and when.
It's nice, you feel so free.
Your relationship with yourself is strong and that's how you feel.

You know you, you know what you need and what you can do.
Although at some point you may start to wonder: is this it?
Am I just dealing with daily life by myself?
And when it's hard then you may wonder what the point of going on alone may be.

So you seek and find love again.
But then, the loneliness kicks in when you are not with the other.
You feel lost.
And when being together all the time becomes too much and you take some time alone, you know what you miss.

Loving makes lonely in here.
Loving makes lonely on earth.
Loving makes lonely while being alive.
Loving makes lonely in here.

Stitches in my mouth
Blood and chocolate
My teeth on a string
Spitting blood

Everything I bite turns to red velvet
Paying in blood
For old ways to make it through the night
Infected wounds
Digging in the dirt
To take out the trash

Stitched back up
Like my stuffed support animal
Having to behave
No drinking

Just suffering, cleaning
Sitting in the noise
Always something happening
Distracting

Dealing with everything
Hanging by a thread
It’s not holding
Falling

It’s not working well
Holding on
Without drinking
And only eating
Red velvet