I cannot reach past my skin today
my self stays inside the safe beautiful place
today I am the flower
not the gardener

all that time I thought I was in love
I felt weightless
unbound by Newtonian theorems
limitless, I had tapped into the physics of
immortal love
that’s how it seems now
as I gaze into the night sky
back in the chains of gravity

humans are social creatures
like dogs
we’re not meant to be alone

I will stop blaming you
for what happened with him
I never meant anything either way
none of this made any difference
you proved that
forcing a horrible, embarrassing encounter
which was painful and unnecessary
but it is now
only what it always was,
nothing
and I will stop thinking
you cost me
something I was never going to have

stay behind a very thick glass wall
when tossing steaks to beautiful lions

it’s another heartfelt day for living and loving and healing
another day full of opportunities and chances and destinies fulfilled
another day for letting go,
dreaming big,
and believing in yourself
another day to let truth, beauty, and gratitude expand your heart

may you feel hope today
may you feel excitement
and joy
above all, may you feel loved
as you are
as I love you
today, tomorrow, and forever
in darkness
and in light

a phrase that has become meaningless
and impossible to say
‘I love you’
too painful
if not entirely cliche

a perplexing range of types
with one that matters most
a disappointment, a weapon
true for children
and ghosts

forgive me if I do not respond
in the right time
or place
perhaps this will change
if ever I see your face

sometimes there’s not enough time in a life to heal
lovers lose
children die
hearts are never found
and we just laugh laugh laugh ourselves to the nearest grave
the life is still beautiful though
course it is

red ***, meet green kettle
behave yourselves now

I was startled out of my body twice last night
twice!!
I floated there, momentarily weightless
before being snapped back in
it was very rude

the second time I was flashed the gateways
vividly
like a smack in the brain
wake up ya zombie!
I was all, Jesus Christ! I hear you!
lemme go back to sleep!
some of us didn’t pick up a buncha worshippers and we have to work for a living!
**** esoteric trust fund kids

I try to move on
I think that’s what you want
but for every step I take away
my heart pulls me two steps back
tightening the knots binding me to you
and it is not unpleasant

best pick up line ever:
I’ll groom it however you like
it’s not my face going down there

that’s never going to happen
this is just
a Lesson
I hear life is full of them
(shrugs dubiously)

—Mom!! Moooommmm!!
    Help!!! I need a hug!!!
    I’m dyyyy-inngg!!!
    I need a hug mom!!! Heeelllp!!!
mom stands staring blankly
at dramatically flailing
not very small child
trying to figure out
the safest angle
of approach

you now have a Cat
she lives Deep Underground
maybe you can find her

if you are waiting for him to move
I will wait also, to think of you again
I will dim the lights, the desires
turn my heartbeat low
slip into a limbo slumber
put my brain on ice

when he leaves
I will poke my head out of this hidey hole
to see if you are there
or in Germany, still

Siddhartha Gautama can keep his fourfold path
of nothingness
but Lao-Tzu can show me the way
any day

good bye girl
thank you for your place in this world
I appreciated your company
and your protective iron-y
your hope, compassion,
self deprecating wit
I admired your honesty
and that whole **** bit
I still love him
so I’m sure I’ll still visit
but as far as it goes
I think this is it

do you mean anything
you say or do?
is there any reason at all
I should trust you?

my steps have to be even
when I’m waiting, I count
don’t put the ketchup where the salsa goes
or throw any leftovers out

unless the counter is clean
I can’t focus, or cook
and my socks must match my underwear
even though you’ll never look

I have a few quirks
not many, you’d never see
but I get mind bogglingly worse
in a tough bout of anxiety

dear Mr. Postman
I have shoveled the walk for you every time
every storm
every morning
every single day
sometimes twice a day
so please
please please
pretty please
no more bills

I don’t need to be gazing always at the sky
though the stars inspire my dreams
they are desolately distant, and space is cold
their stories and movements are outside the span of my life
I could be content staring at the ground instead
bury myself in soil and seasons
the blooming of flowers is lovely and tangible
and happens in a day  
they wrap my heart in joy and color
under the warmth of the sun

I do love both
but perhaps I should get my head out of the clouds
and focus on what I can touch in front of me now

you have no idea...
well, ok, you have some idea
aw hell, who am I kidding
you have tons of ideas
you’re a freaking idea machine!!
it’s just...
none of them are right

never ending spin
thread, spin, thread
spin
weightless baby bird

it’s always tempting to blame myself
I can see the attraction
having a safe target
to take out my anger and frustration
to feel in control
with the illusion that self improvement could fix it
it’s preferable to accepting
that there is nothing at all I can do
maybe this is where the locus of fear comes from
growing slowly each morning in my stomach
I am alone
one of the many islands created in the deluge of our global actualization
we are each alone in our chrysalis
a symphony of painful transformations
does the moth think it has a choice?
does it always survive?

I no longer take responsibility for my feelings
there are aliens in space toggling levers back and forth
shooting experimental pink beams into my brain
while eating Reese’s pieces

in some future world
originals are being murdered
and frauds are prolifically plagiarizing

there was a woman who lived
in a glass box
there were no doors or windows,
chains, or locks
she smiled and cried
she watched flowers bloom
and die
she read poetry
and dreamed of romance
on occasion
she danced

but always
she touched glass
hoping for isolation to pass
she longed for warm fingers
and peaceful embrace
for the box to be lifted
to kiss a man’s face
she’s still there now
with gentle grace
wondering if love will ever come
to this place

don’t give me any buts
and I won’t give you any
except maybe one small ****
which is perfectly acceptable

in wavering
the timber sounds strong

I remember when I was younger I had this crush on an older man.
He was an Ayurvedic practitioner that I took a cooking class from. His name was Sonam and he played the digiridoo.
It must have been very obvious that I had a crush on him, because once when I had to drop something off at his apartment, standing in the hallway of his building before I left, he said, almost as an afterthought, with a humble smile and nod of embarrassed appreciation, “and thank you, for your…affections…” as he gently closed the door.
It was the sweetest and most painless acknowledgement of a futile attraction anyone could ever experience. I walked away surprised, with humor for myself, and appreciation for him.

We should all learn to say no with such grace. I wish I had retained the ability to accept no with such grace.

he’s got the nicest smile of anyone I’ve ever seen
…
the end

I’ve got to respond
to protect myself
for the record
a woman can never relax
she has to try harder
the bar is higher
she’s constantly under scrutiny
and judgement
they can raise their voices
but she can’t
they can be disrespectful
but she can’t get frustrated
it used to be my happy place
now I can barely walk in the door
anxiety and panic daily
it’s time to go
I can’t stomach it any longer
literally
I’m throwing up
I have hope though
there’s a better place
a safer place
and I have excellent references

a little rest
to deal with the stress
and too much pain
don’t go insane

dear rain
please
stop!
I have to paint!
I have important Things to do!
my porch is not going to finish remodeling itself!

also
my flowers want me to tell you
so I will
begrudgingly
and contrary to my own desires…

thank you

they waited and waited and waited
but the sky never fell
and eventually
they fried that little chicken

guilt is following me around today
like a bad hangover
but I haven’t drank a thing
dear god of sin,
stay in your lane

I’m in love with you
so
I hope you like me

walking in the dark
holding hands
bashfully
no one has ever
innocent kisses
lips exploring
joyfully
no one has ever
waiting loving hoping
waiting trusting
patiently
no one has ever
betrayal lies fear
forgiveness
betrayal betrayal betrayal
no one has ever
she didn’t come
you didn’t come
you never came
no one has ever

I felt the same
when you were gone for so long
I got used to it,
was disturbed when you reappeared
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have followed you
it’s just, we were going the same way

you tell me
do I see you?
do I see
all of you
yet
in the smoke
in the mirrors
in the moonlight…?

because I feel you

everywhere

the moon was hiding in plain site
well, half of her was
she was staring down unabashedly at me in broad daylight!
I knew I was being watched!

every night at this time
someone is tapping
on my mind

it appears there has been a miscommunication
my apologies
it is a lovely day here in New England
I hope you have a good evening

things are great now
we’re going to live happily ever after
so you can just forget it

when we choose the apples
instead of the oranges
do the oranges shout—
it’s your loss!!
no, because oranges can’t talk
but also
we didn’t want the oranges!
it’s true we may get less vitamin C
but perhaps
what we really needed
was fiber

I would like to take your hand
lead you down a path of never ending blooms
the way it is in my heart
when I think of you

I’m under the sun’s sweltering microscope
a single bead of sweat slips between my *******
the wind intervenes on my behalf  
swaying with my pretty dress
I appreciate the cherry red vintage firebird to my left
the enormous bursting Christmas white hydrangeas to my right
it’s a short walk
past stately buildings and old trees
people scattered on benches and lawns
or meandering past with their own brown bags
it’s a beautiful day
in my sleepy capital

I don’t believe in fate
but I do believe in karma
so why do I feel that it is my fate to be alone
but not my karma?

I’ve revisited some of my past offerings
I’ve given you
a breathtaking display
of devotion
and lust
there is no denying this

I expect you have appreciated it
I’m just saying
I see it too