I wake up with anxiety
But within that panicked state
Thoughts of you move like poetry
Weaving in and out of any moment
Light and flowy
As familiar as the air I breathe
Goodmorning and goodnight
Were never special for me
But in this morning light
It's the first thing I want to read

I like you
More
Than I like other friends
Somehow our connection
Feels
So much different
Much more intense
Thoughts
Spinning wildly in my brain
Knowing deep down
You
Could never feel the same
My feelings for you are
Unreal
They feel wild and dangerous
It's like ripping open my
Soul
Being immensely vulnerable
Constantly craving the
Honesty
Yet so viscerally afraid of the truth
I want to drown this part of
Me
Let it float out to sea
Pretend it's not
Real
Until that becomes reality
Til then I'll beg the
Universe
To let me be free
I'm so scared it's
Love
Too much, too fast, too me

Dear Nikki at 5,

I wanted to write to you today
To honor our 500th poem
To honor you and to honor
All of the pain you've carried for us
I think of that one night
Maybe the first time you wrote about your feelings
You were so hurt and angry
Emotional energy like a current
Electrifying your entire system
So you found solace in your words
Scribbling onto your magnetic sketchpad
Letting the anger rush through you
Concentrated energy through the pen
I am so proud of you for coping that way
I know you felt better afterwards
Written words tend to alchemize our energy
Firing ferocity into calm
I respect your instincts
To translate your pain into art
It was beautiful until your peace was shattered
Our mother found your writing and
Instead of discussing your pain and anger
She took your words for gunshots
Ripping apart her already low self esteem
So she sat you down on the stairs
She was distraught and upset
She told you that your words hurt her
That your feelings caused her pain
That you were bad and wrong for writing them
Instead of considering your emotional state
Instead of even asking what was wrong
She loaded your shoulders with shame
Forced you to carry the burden of her pain
A child responsible for the emotions of an adult
You took on that task and couldn't have known
That doing so would internalize that responsibility
That you would forever feel at fault
When anyone around you felt pain
She taught you that your feelings are bad
That your inner workings are inherently flawed
Your emotions, your wants, your needs
Normal pieces of your humanity
It all became your greatest enemy
And your most intense fear
I am so sorry that she didn't hug you
I am sorry she didn't tell you it's ok to feel
You deserved love and compassion
You deserved to be taught that
You are not defined by your feelings
She could have taught you that your choices
Carry the truth of who you are
That you made a beautiful decision that day
To write out your emotions when
You could have acted them out instead
I want you to know that I am so proud of you
That your feelings were real and valid
Your feelings matter, every single one
I am so sorry I spent most of our life
Shaming you for being human
Instead of celebrating your sensitivity
I reinforced and added to your burden
I blamed you for every broken thing
And turned you into a target for pain
You deserved to maintain your childhood
You deserved respect for your humanity
I am sorry for the time it's taken me to learn
After 20 years I finally understand that
Your feelings matter and your heart is good
You will no longer carry this pain
I will be the parent that you deserve
Thank you for sticking with me
And thank you for leading us here

I love you little one
You have always been enough

With love,
24-year-old You

I am pacing through existence
Carefully avoiding the people and the potholes
I meet you at the dim edge of a doorway
You look stunning in the moonlight
The light reflecting your pale skin and chiseled features
I reach for your hand but it's occupied
A silver key hangs from blood-red ribbon
My brow furrows as you delicately release the deadbolt
Cautiously you beckon me closer
The door cracks just enough to release
Gentle blue light that dances across the frame
I am intrigued and lean in beside you
Suddenly, as you carefully release the ****
An aggressive breeze rips past us
Slamming open the door but you seem unphased
While the shrill and guttural sirens of screams
Bring me to my knees
Eyes closed and hands clawing at my ears
I can feel a hole tearing open my chest
I want to yell but my throat fails me
I can barely breathe and
There is only noise and darkness
My head is about to explode
As I pummel my fists into the earth
Begging for air in a fit of rage
I scream as fire explodes from within me
Spinning circles of flames
Charred barriers surround me
As the silence creeps back into focus
My breath is ragged and labored
I'm convinced I've barely survived
But when I raise my gaze
There are tears flooding yours
And purple burns trace your skin
There's a shiny new lock on the door
And although I feel safe once again
I know I've just broken you more

I think there's something missing
An empty space within my brain
Is it genetics or experience?
Most likely a mix of both
It seems I only feel whole
When my blood is filled with drugs
Energetic electricity
Flowing through my limbs
Substances fill the void
The emptiness I can't stand
I wish I was more than this
Or simply nothing at all
I want to fade into the night
Float away slowly like this high
And instead of returning to humanity
I'll let the wind carry me home