My heart breaks a little bit
Each time I talk to you
Yet still I reach out
As if one day you'll be
Back to that person I knew before
Not that who you are is bad
I just know it's my fault you changed
I stole pieces of you so often
Those days I couldn't handle the currents
I used you to stay afloat
As I dragged you into my darkest waters
I was so immature and so afraid
That I abandoned you as I swam away
I couldn't sit with the discomfort
Of watching you fall into your own storm
So I didn't take the time to help you
Find your way back home
Before I found a new buoy to save myself
And left you to drown on your own

I am on the edge, teetering
Cool breeze splashes across my cheeks
As pebbles crumble to the Earth beneath
Bitterness dances across my tastebuds
Fear and pain electrifying my bloodstream
I am both pushed forward by fear and
Pulled back by grief
My chest feels empty, cavernous
Lonely
At the top of this cliff I must realize
I have spent my entire existence
Scaling this mountain of labels and advice
Searching for my truth in the lies of many
Dissecting myself into pieces to find
Exactly the part that is wrong
The piece I can remove or fix
To suddenly become whole,
Real, valid,
Normal
Alive
And now
Standing upon the cliffside
Staring down at the jagged edges
Rexperiencing the solid footholds
The close calls,
The danger and the pain
I realize that my truth doesnt exist out here
There is nothing wrong with me,
This isn't that easy
I have reached the top, looked outwards and found nothing
I came in search of answers and found the truth instead
There are no answers
I am enough
My emotions are not the enemy
Who I really am is not an outward destination
My truth has and always will live within me
I have the power to change my life
I just need to
Be Still
Listen
And know

A previous apartment
An old town
Nothing but silent buildings and hollow walls
Yet my mind equates these
Empty spaces
With memories of freedom
With feeling alive
So I start to yearn for their physical presence
And once I'm there I feel disappointed
Because although I'm where I used to be
I'm not the same as I was
And that sense of self-assuredness
That sense of relief I'm seeking
Doesn't live in the drywall and clean pavement
It lived somewhere inside me then
And I'd like to believe that
Somewhere deep down
It's still alive
Just waiting to resurface

I've been avoiding thoughts of the future
Because I know what it's bringing
In just a few weeks you won't be here anymore
And I know it's just for three months
But it's three months
That's a long time to not see you
That's a long time to not hug you
You're my best friend
You make this town feel tolerable
And make it feel like I'm not alone
You mean so much to me

We've been through a lot together
And I've been too afraid to think about it
Too afraid that I've just been isolating
Instead of letting myself miss you
Instead of enjoying our remaining time together
I know a few weeks turns to a few days quickly
I know you'll be leaving soon
I know I'll have to say goodbye

I don't want to waste this time
Just because I'm too afraid to cry
And too afraid to feel vulnerable
That's not fair to either of us
I love you and I already miss you
It feels like we just started opening up again
And I know this isn't the end
It just feels like it right now

Tears stain my face and
You're coming over soon
So much of me wants to scrub them away
To not let you see how much I'm feeling
To not let you see how much I care
But I know that won't help
It's terrifying to let you see me
But I love you so much
I don't want to lose our connection
I won't let this fear rule me anymore
We're worth being vulnerable for

Dear 6 year-old me,

You're allowed to have feelings.
I'm sorry no one has told you that before
I know it's confusing to hear
When you were just guilted for getting angry
I promise that's not what you deserve
That's not the treatment you need
That's not going to help you grow
What it will do is teach you not to trust
Not just other people either
No, you'll learn not to trust even yourself
And that's the hardest part of it all
Because you have to live with you forever
And maybe that's part of the reason why
You'll be suicidal in 6 years
You'll start hurting yourself and
You'll feel stuck in a depression for
Almost an entire decade
Because you'll resent your feelings so much
That you'll bury them all with all your needs
Until you're nothing more than a mirror
Reflecting back to people
The things they want of you
Who they want you to be
What they want you to think and feel
You'll bury your feelings so deep
That you'll end up in abusive relationships
Because you're so used to being used
So used to being manipulated
And you just want to feel loved
And since love is an appropriate emotion
It's one of the few you can really feel
So you'll fall in love and think that
For love you have to do anything
Be anything
Even if it hurts
Even if you have to sensor yourself
All the way down to your thoughts
Just in case she asks what you're thinking
And you don't want to lie

I'm sorry if this all sounds scary to you
I promise it really is
Because human beings are social creatures
And feelings are integral to connection
And you weren't taught to connect
You never learned how to feel
No one showed you that it was ok
I promise that life isn't all bad though
Because you're going to learn to feel freely
I don't know when it'll happen yet
But I guarantee it will
We're 23 now and it's been getting better
It's still terrifying every single day
Every single moment when you make a choice
Between numbing to feel nothing at all
And letting yourself be as you are
It feels like a gun is at your head
And the most helpful option for you
Does not feel safe at all
Feeling isn't going to come easily
It will take so much time and energy
All of your patience and perseverance
But I know you'll get there
We'll get there
Because I'm here for you now
We'll learn how to feel together
Even when it's scary
Even when it's hard
I'll be right here with you
Because I love you
And it's ok to express your feelings
I promise I'm going to start listening now

With Love,
Carter

We're walking hand in hand
My partner and I
Following a paved path through the park
Our feet sink a little deeper in each step
As we cross into dewy grass
As I lay out our rainbow blanket
6 feet from water's edge
I'm lost in my own thoughts
So much so that I don't even notice
When you've stood up and
Walked to the water's edge
I only notice when I hear the water splash
You're already waist-deep when I reach the edge
"What are you doing?"
I yell and you simply stare at me with a smile in your eyes
Your arm extends and your fingertips beckon
You want me to join you
My mind starts spinning with excuses
I'm wearing jeans so the water would feel gross
I can't leave our things unattended
It's chilly today, we could get sick
There could be sharks in the water
You don't hear any of it
As you sink further into the cerulean abyss
Suddenly I am aware of my best friend
They're by your side and you both look happy
They reach their arms out to me too
I feel so alone on the shore
Yet my mind keeps feeding me reasons
To avoid taking the plunge
I rub my eyes and run my hands through my greasy hair
I look back up and now the animals have joined you
My sweet kittens and the brown dog
Very rapidly, everyone I care about
Emerges from the depths
My mom and her partner
My high school best friend
My college best friend
All of their arms outstretched towards me
The panic sets in as I lean over the edge
My own face reflects back at me
The image shimmers as tears fall into the water
My face remains entirely dry
As my reflection continues to cry
I don't understand
My loved ones continue to reach for me
So many arms aimed in my direction
It feels extremely threatening
Yet I know they're there to catch me
I decide to join them and
I can't step over the edge
My body doesn’t want to give in
A running start doesn't help either
As my feet are glued to the grass
Anxiety shocks all of my limbs
I feel so alone
I feel so scared
I am so close to where I want to be
But I'm still not there
I can see the path so clearly
I can see the safety net of my chosen family
And I still can't move

I feel possessed by these coping mechanisms
Spirits I once let in so freely
Opened myself to them as a home
In return, they kept me safe for many years
Until keeping me safe meant keeping me locked inside
Among them
Where I would be safe
Nothing could get in
Yet, soon enough I realized
I could no longer get out
And now I'm sitting here
At the edge of my consciousness
Banging against the metal bars
Begging for a way out
And sometimes they do
Let me out
To breathe a moment
Let me off the leash to prove to them
That I am safe enough to be free
And it feels amazing and weightless
Like I am fluid and free
Until the moment I feel threatened
And my panic calls out to those spirits again
They sooth me and care for me
Gently washing over me and
Managing the stress with ease
Until I am calm
Sitting snugly behind
The metal bars again