I walk along the river
A lightly treaded path
Untouched by most
Where did my adventurous spirit go
I no longer feel the thrill.
Where are you?
I wonder as I gaze across the water
Why am I here?
My fingers graze the long grasses
Careful as the muddy path narrows
Bending closer towards the water
Each step becomes calculated
I can hear the ground
Mushing under my shoes
My heavy heart weighing me down
Dragging my legs like lead
Down down down
I want to stop
I want to turn back
This road is so lonely
And I feel so lost
Screams echo in my mind
Past mistakes and present expectations
Clang and screech
Like metal on metal
As my legs tremble beneath me
Giving out til the mud ***** in my knees
And my hands grasp at the sopping ground
I want to dig my fingernails into something
Anything solid
Crawling and pulling
I drag myself forward
Until my body collapses into the water
Like a lifeless sponge
The current pulling me in like sweet release
Except when I finally sit up
And stare into these depths beneath me
My reflection doesn't exist
Instead
The sky stares back at me
Blue and promising
And i know i need to keep walking
Because I'm not there yet

These scars lay on my skin
Delicately placed by surgical blades
Carefully crafted into my skin
They are art
They are a part of me
As always
I love these residual lacerations
This brail across my body
Telling my story for me
To those primed to receive it
The soft pink tissue raises slightly on my right
Agitated and stretched
Red from my inability to afford
Additional healing time away from work
Imperfect
Uneven
Visible
Beautiful
I love these pieces of myself
I love watching their journey
Through recovery and lifting
Feeling the changes tingle across my skin
As my body begins to trust me again

Anything brighter than the darkness
Can feel like the warmest light
For half your days in half your life
You were entombed in the night
The other half felt better
Like a breath of fresh air
Although the sadness still choked you
It felt easier there
There were still pitch black moments
Though you claimed you just blinked
You couldn't acknowledge the truth
Otherwise into despair you would sink
Many years have since gone
Many spent feeling alone and distressed
Until suddenly everything went grey
You even stopped feeling depressed
What once held positive memories
Then simply displayed a blank screen
An empty, monotone canvas
You asked "What does it mean?"
Do you think now of the phrase
About not seeking out truth
Until you're truly ready for answers?
As you stare into the face of your lost youth?
Because while you did have a place
Where light shone much more often
You didn't realize how many parts of care
Were still being forgotten
You had food and peace at times
You had shelter and space too
What you didn't have was emotional safety
Or a support system to talk to
Yes, you got to go to therapy
And that helped open a door
Yet you never even questioned why
She knew of the abuse and didn't do more
There were still so many broken promises
You still had to be strong
There were so many ways out
It went on far too long
Someone should have done more for you
To protect and give you care
To let you have emotions and feel safe
But they didn't and that's unfair
You deserved love, respect, and kindness
And every day you still do
I know I couldn't make the loneliness leave then
But now I will always be here for you

I feel you within me
Such a small child
Not the smallest one there
But definitely the most confident

With hands torn up
You can always see the blood
You always made me see it too
Saying that we can't forget our roots

That's how you keep yourself safe
How you keep me safe
You tell me you are the sole protector
There is no one else
Even when there should have been
And it's been so long that
You can't remember what you deserve
So you believe there never can be anyone else again

Even though I'm the oldest
You've always been the adult
Except I realzied that no matter how you feel
No matter how grown you needed to be
To take care of yourself and everyone else
You can never really be an adult
Because you're just a child
A kid that should've been loved
Should've been taken care of
Shown what it means to be a person

Instead?
You were alone and neglected
Left to your own care and coping
Slowly building up walls to stay safe
While quietly begging for someone to tear them down
To say it's ok to be small and
It's ok to feel pain
To feel anything

Instead?
You were left in the dark
Latching onto any form of light you could
Grades, writing, drugs, love
They all gave you something
Made you feel something
But love gave the biggest rush

Love was the answer
That missing piece you so desperately needed
With the most striking light
So you sought out the brightness in others
Even though some of those people
Were just wearing headlamps
Whose batteries died out very quickly
Leaving you cold and stuck in the dark
With their problems piled onto your own

And a few times we met the one
The one who could love us deeply
The one who saw us
Gave us undying love and support
And when you finally have access to
The light that you craved most
The one thing that you never had
That type of light no longer feels warm and inviting

It feels sharp and painful
It illuninates the truth that you've been avoiding
The fact that you were emotionally neglected
You raised yourself and lost your childhood
You're alone and you're lonely
And the only way to make it stop
Is to tear down those walls that kept you safe
The ones you think still do

And so
As the "adult"
You've made some tough choices that you regret
Because you think you're protecting yourself
You can't take back things you've said
Or fix the feelings you've hurt
It's just a part of this ride
You don't trust me as the real adult
Because you can't trust anyone

And yet,
I can take care of us now
I love you and it's ok to be small
Because you are small and scared and
So very very lonely

It's ok to have feelings and to let people in
Life is scary and things will go wrong
But you can always trust that I will keep us safe
We don't need the walls or the numbing
We are strong
We are safe
And we deserve love

You may have damaged my soul
But you don't get to steal my art

It's like I've been trapped in a sea of snow
Frozen into nothingness
Numb to feelings and new experiences
Unable to process anything
As my energy slowly depletes
Leaving me feeling less and less alive.

I have just recently learned how
To elbow out some room to breathe
Some room for me
Just enough to give me hope
Just enough movement
To break cracks into the ceiling.

Hairline fractures barely let in the light
But it's enough to feel a sense of warmth
A fire ignited in my stiff bones
My frozen limbs and organs
Slowly beginning to thaw.

It's hard to know what to do with it
This anger that's much more
Than the nothingness that came before it
I've learned that I have to pace myself
Too much and I'll burn myself
Not enough and I freeze again.

But I am angry.
I'm angry at you
And I'm angry at me.
I just want to be free
From this cell of ice that you built for me.
The one I helped maintain
Because you had your nails dug so deep within me
That I cut myself when you left
To mimic that torment
To attempt to function
Through the withdrawal.

The pain you inflicted fueled me
Made me feel alive
And hurting myself couldn't even compare
Because it wasn't enough.
It wasn't you.
It wasn't us.

I was addicted to your energy
To the power you held over me
To that chaos that mimicked my past
So much so
It felt like home.

And that's where I struggle most
Because history repeats itself
And I should've known
That there was never safety in that home
Just emptiness and loneliness
Anxiety and pain
The need to lie to everyone
To ****** or suffocate pieces of myself
So that I could survive
To be whoever anyone needed me to be

Because I didn't matter
I didn't even exist
So why am I surprised to feel that way again?

Although I've survived this **** before
Now my survival skills are
What keep me frozen in place
And learning to love yourself
Feels way more painful
Than learning to hate.

What do I actually want
When I'm craving a high?
What need am I trying to satisfy
By drowning myself in a bottle?
I want to escape
I want to feel joy and freedom
I don't feel that now
I feel like drugs will bring those feelings
Even for just a moment
And sure, they might
But then I'll just think that
The drugs are what makes me happy
When it's actually the feeling of peace and happiness
The things I'm actually craving
That will make me happy
But, the human brain is flawed
And it will just see the drugs
And make me want them again

I can feel myself running away
In handfuls of bread
And mind-numbing multitasking
Trying to create a noise so loud
That it'll drown out the one in my head
The one that tells me I'm broken
The one saying I'm a waste of space
And wasting this life away

I am wasting time
With every bite not led by hunger
Every second half-watching television
While scrolling emptily through my phone
These meaningless moments just remove more meaning
******* it away from myself and my life
Draining my emotional energy because
I'm not letting it recharge
So then I can sleep rather than create
So I can avoid the thoughts and feelings
That are telling me
No, begging me
To do something
To feel something

But it's been a long time

And sometimes feeling nothing

Can feel better than feeling

Lonely