I feel trapped
Confined in this media hellstorm
How easy it is to numb out
To drown out these thoughts
These feelings
These aspects of myself
Under the static of technology
I just want to exist and to
Connect with myself again
And yet I keep tuning in
To tune it all out
I dont even like what im watching
I dont enjoy doing this over and over again
It feels so compulsive
So uncontrollable that
I want to just sell my TV
Return to a dumb phone again
Rid myself of these technological terrors
Because for some reason
I can't just walk away
And I can feel the clocks ticking
As these precious moments are wasting away
And slipping through my fingertips

I wonder if cats have self esteem
And if so
Is their self worth as fragile as ours?
Do they develop that voice inside
That feeds them lies
About whether or not they're good enough?
Do they question why they were born
With long hair instead of short?
Or get self conscious about a broken tail?
Do they wish they had better owners?
Or that their owners understood them better?
Are they sensitive about their weight?
Or the length of their claws?
Do they wish they had soft orange hair
Instead of plush black fur?
Or do they love themselves entirely?
Understanding that they matter and that
Their worth isn't defined by other people?
Do they just live their lives fully
Paying no mind to anyone's judgement?
Are they happy with themselves?
Why aren't we?

If my younger self were still around
I wonder what they'd think of me
I can't help but think that
They'd be confused
They wouldn't recognize me as theirself
I'd be just another burnt out adult
Scary and unable to epathize
Enough to really understand me
I imagine I'd feel alone and anxious
Staring at this strange reflection
A mutated image
Warped in the rings of teardrops
That stain this puddle under my feet
Where did the curiosity go?
What about the intense emotions?
Any emotions really
I think I'd be afraid
To come face to face with
The future that is my present day

I know that there's so many things
Positive features of this life
That I never could have imagined then
I am still living and breathing
Taking care of myself
Loving and being loved so deeply
I didn't think I'd see 18
Let alone 23
And yet
I can't help but believe
That all the experiences that led me here
Would scare younger me
Enough to change my story
Because there were so many times
I wanted to
And sometimes
I still do

But I know I'm still growing
And there's still time for me
To learn who I am
To celebrate my flaws and strengths
To love myself wholeheartedly
To simply be me
It's just hard sometimes

I want to write
To feel my feelings freely
Spilling from the edge of my lips
Pouring across my bare skin
Inch by inch
I pray for waves
Drowning my body endlessly
Chaotic and
Entirely free
Naturally

Til then I settle for this
Drip by aching drip
Breaking up this fierce drought
Plagued by emptiness
I can feel something's missing
But I know I'm getting closer
Closer to understanding
Closer to becoming whole
Closer to seeing me

As the river whispers louder
And the air grows more humid
I continue on this path to freedom
Moment by moment
Word by word
Feeling by feeling
Until I am submerged completely
And still breathing

Sometimes I get stuck
And it's hard to tell if I'm ok
But I can always tell that I'm unwell
When I get the urge to talk to you
You do not help me
You do not make me feel positive
And yet I have this urge
To speak to you
To give you the power to hurt me
To give you the power to break me
To take me
To abuse me
To use me
Until I am nothing more
Than an object
Your object
Not a person
Not a set of feelings
Emotionless
Dead
Yet serving a purpose
Useful
Meaningful
Something a little more than
The nothingness I feel

I used to feel the darkness inside me
I didn't want it to touch anyone else
I felt afraid for the people in my life
I kept myself ten arms length away
I'm sure they saw parts of me the best
But I couldn't stomach that thought
I know now that the darkness isn't real
It still feels just as real as it used to
I know I'm not bad though
It just feels like I am
I wasn't allowed to feel when I was young
I had to sacrifice my own feelings
Or I could not have survived
And survive I did
I was taught that feeling made me bad
That my feelings were unlovable
Emotional numbness saved my life then
But it doesn't help me anymore
And I want to turn it off so badly
I just don't know how to do that yet
I'm learning about myself and my feelings
I still feel so afraid
I feel afraid to see myself and let others see me
I still feel like a bad person who deserves the pain
I still feel alone and tortured in my head
I still feel afraid of my feelings
I am starting to love myself though
And despite being petrified of emotion
I am excited to learn more of who I am
And I'm excited to get better

I love myself
I love myself
I keep telling myself
I love myself
Because I know that
I need to love myself
And if I stop saying it
I'll believe it much less
Than I already do.