She never loved me
She only loved the way I loved her
She never wanted me
Just wanted me to want her
She didn't care about me
Only about how I could benefit her
She never saw me
She saw the way I looked at her
She never heard me
She only heard enough to make her mad
She made me the center of her universe
Until someone better came along
Someone who gave her more
More of whatever she needed in that moment
She said she'd never do something that she didn't want to do
Even if it would help her partner in some way
She said she hated being selfish
(Or hated being called selfish)
But she didn't know how to change
She didn't know how to care
And all I ever wanted from her
Was to give a **** about me
Even half as much as I did for her
I didn't want material things
I didn't want empty words
I didn't even need affection
I just wanted her to care
And she never did

My ex called me the other day
We ordered something together
And she wanted to drop it off to me
I didn't want to see her
I didn't know how to tell her that either
After I told her I wasn't home
She decided to tell me that she missed me
That she hasn't stopped thinking about me
In the moment I stayed silent
I knew I didn't miss her
I wasn't letting myself think about her
Now that I think about it
I wonder if she actually meant it
Or if she was just so used to saying it
Because I've heard that same line
So many times from her
But her words stopped mattering to me
Because her actions never matched them
And sure enough
Later that night she wanted to exchange things
But I was busy so I told her no
The next morning I offered to stop by
Even though I was scared to see her
But she was angry at me again
Probably because she knows
That I know she's not worth it
Not for me at least
And I do feel sad that
She might feel so bad about herself
That she relies on her ex's commitment to her
To define her worth
And I hope she finds help for that
And I hope she finds happiness
Because I do still love her
But I'm done

Looking back I can see when I gave up
It was when she broke a promise she made me
And my friend told me
"If you can get over [that] I think you guys will be ok"
And I believed him
Because I wanted to believe it was my fault
That I could fix this
That I somehow ****** up
That I could change and bring us back
And make her love me again
But you can't bring back what was never there

It's hard to mourn this relationship
Because for the first time I realize that my world isn't ending
It helps that the relationship changed from my ideal form
To whatever it ended up being
A while before we broke up
I already cried for that part of the relationship
I already hurt myself to cope with that
This is so much different
I've known for awhile now
That this relationship was unhealthy
So what am I mourning now?
I have already hurt for all of the good times we had together
The late nights talking
The long mornings cuddling
And how it turned to silence
And distance
And emptiness
I felt that pain when she got her third partner
Because all of those things that I cherished
We're ripped away from me immediately
And yes that part still stings
But it's not as painful as it was
Because it's been a few months since then
So what am I mourning now?
It's hard to say because I don't think I should be sad
I want to be happy because I'm free
I feel relief but the sadness is still there
The pain is still present underneath
It's hard to accept this depression
Because she is not worth it
Because she was emotionally abusive
And I don't want to give her that control over me
But that doesn't stop the feeling
It doesn't stop the hurting
If anything it makes it worse because I'm ignoring it
I'm not letting myself feel
And letting myself let go and grow
I know I deserve that much

The scary thing is
You could be enough for me
The intensity of these feelings
And our insane connection
Might be enough alone
But I'm afraid to give you all of me

Sadness pours from my lungs
As I dream of inhaling smoke
I want it to choke me out
To spill what's left of my soul
My heart still beats on
But it hurts in my chest
Spreading this virus of lost love
Throughout my entire being
It moves only slowly though
As my heart knows you're gone
My arms still crave your touch
My brain understands the most
And it condemns the pieces of me
That still hold onto your memory
Yours? Ours? Mine?
Who's memory is it?
I guess they're all different
I don't know if you really loved me
I suppose that's what hurts the most
But I loved you unconditionally
Even when I hated you too
I'm not sure if you felt the same
But it's something I'll come to terms with
Just like the fact that I feel sad
And I don't think you're worth that