I'm looking for answers
Within the passing clouds
Or the vibrating sounds
Desperately seeking advice
Give me something
Anything
"If you already made your decision
Then why wait?"
I told you it's because I love her
That I believe she could hear me this time
That we could grow again
That things could go back to the way they were
Now I'm not so sure

Breathe in
Breathe out
I feel the presence of the universe
Sitting silently
Legs crossed
I am exactly where I am meant to be
Pure energy enters
The negativity flows away
Slowly breaking away my anxiety

I feel lost and alone
Wandering through this darkness
What used to be my light
Dwindles in the distance

We feel so far away
So disconnected from our souls
I feel as though I'm nothing now
That if I chose to leave
Your life would not change
At least not in a bad way

You'd have more time for others
More time for yourself
Less stress from the nerves I break
You wouldn't have to be angry either
One less person to make time for
One less perspective to look through
You could actually leave then
No one left to hold you back

I would be nothing again
An empty memory you could forget
Maybe something small to look back on
Maybe I'm not even worth that

And as my soul bleeds out these feelings
It's odd to recognize we're still together
Sometimes I feel so alone in this
Other times I know I am

I am worth love
This body is a part of me
It is beautiful as it is
My worth is not defined by others
I accept my flaws with
Everything they bring
I am not alone
My friends actually care
My relationships are healthy
I love my partners through anything
I am strong
My depression does not define me
I control my own future
I do what I want
I am living my best life
I am happy

If I were honest with you always
You really wouldn't like me
I say that I support your independence
But I often don't share how much it hurts me
I feel as though I limit myself
In order to uphold your happiness

I said I didn't want you to resent me
For being the reason you're stuck in this town
But I'm also worried I'll resent you
For the regular hurt I feel with our relationship
It's not even your fault
I'm just not made for this love
What you want and what I need
Do not align enough for mutual happiness

I feel like I'm angry at you a lot
And you say you're mad too
When we're together I'm uncomfortable
I don't even know why
I just feel this genuine discomfort
When we sit together in silence
I don't want to be fake
But you want things to be great
I am not ok
And that needs to be ok

We say we want to see each other more
Yet when the day comes
You change your mind
And I'm left alone with myself again
Because I made the choice to not make plans
Because I knew we were supposed to hang out
But things don't always work out
And that's all good and fine
But it doesn't feel that way to me
I'm just sad
And I don't know what to do with it

I feel so angry
And I can't bring myself
To bleed out these feelings
Across this digital landscape
Because of course I'm in love with you

I don't know if I want to be anymore
So I'll let this blood pool

It seems as though
Everyone I am in love with
Causes me the most damage
While the ones I love less
Seem to love me the most

What a disgusting dichotomy
I feel so stuck in this

I love you
I hate you
I want to die
I don't care at all
I'm crying on my porch
I don't understand what to do
I don't know what I need

I say I need space
You turn around and say
It'll make you want to leave me
I guess if it's such an easy thought
Then it doesn't matter that much

And if I leave you myself
Then this will have all been for nothing
All that hurt
And all that love
All of the struggles we pulled through
Thrown away over one night
One "mistake"
That you probably don't see as one

It's as if you don't know me at all
Broken promises cannot be forgotten
Trust and respect
Those are everything to me
My entire existence originates there
You knew I'd be angry
But you chose to continue instead
So why do I even care
If you clearly don't?

I feel so alone
Trapped in this life
To me
Intimacy is defined by trust
And since I have issues with that
I'm simply empty
We were so good at one point
Then things changed
And now I don't trust you
I chose not to see you today
I didn't even want to talk
What's happening to me?
What's happening to us?
I feel like nothing
I am not happy
Yet I don't know what to do about it
I could stay with you
With the hopes of fighting this storm
Or I could leave
And forever question my decision
There is nothing easy about this
Loving you used to be so simple
It used to make so much sense
Now I'm not so sure