Honesty and transparency
Sounds like ******* to me
You promise me one thing
I guess that's not what you mean
The thing I was afraid of
What you promised not to do
Then as soon as we're apart
It's all about you
I'm sick of this dumb ****
I don't even care about the specifics
It's the fact that you disrespected me
And that your word doesn't mean ****
I'm stuck in this anger
Alternating with sadness
What once was great love
Has been consumed into madness
The funniest part is
You don't even know
Because I found out from a friend
To whom your promise never showed
So what do I do?
I'm consumed in these feelings
None of its positive
And my mind won't stop reeling
Then comes tomorrow
I can already see it
If I call you out
You'll go on your own fit
Because you had a bad experience
And I should just feel bad for you
But honestly right now
I want nothing to do with you

I imagine colored dye
Floating through my brain
Showing the inconsistent chemicals
The lack of even concentration
A dose of something unexpected
And my eyes turn round like saucers
I feel everything so intensely
I can understand the inner-workings
Of the feelings I never understood
My obsession with lost love
Finally whispered it's truth
I do not regret where I am today
I simply miss feeling the happiness
That accompanies the memories that haunt me
I must come to terms with the fact
That happiness will return to me
If I stop hanging onto the past
And embrace the beauty of the unknown
That will bring me more happiness
Until then
I will allow myself to connect with myself
No judgement
No fear
No regrets
Just acceptance and
No expectations

It's late April
The weather is more like fall though
Melting snow and dry foliage
Autumn reminds me of you

We celebrated Halloween together
Pumpkin farms and feeding goats
Themed parties that didn't go right
Streaming tears in your basement
And I knew exactly how to help you

Video games on cold nights in our onesies
You singing to me
Echoing across the practice room walls
Our song
It meant so much to you and I felt it too

Something changed when I fell in love
With someone else
I still loved you too though
You thought I had commitment issues
Maybe I do
Maybe I don't
I don't want to go there now

I still remember the good times we had
It hurts to think about them now
But whenever I'm in town
I hold my breathe because I'm scared to see you
I'm scared to look closer at our relationship
I panic when it smells like October
Because it reminds me of you
Of us
And I'm too scared to think about how that makes me feel

Memories float around
Aimlessly swimming through my mind
Sometimes they're so overbearing
That I can't even breathe

Lost love plagues my heart
A disease pumping through my veins
Every movement and every thought
Consumed in this emotional vortex
Fear, pain, regret, loneliness

How many times do I make plans
That suddenly change
In a way that alters my entire existence?

How many hearts do I break
Along this gruesome path?
Why am I so afraid to be alone?

Why am I so ****** up?

I need to let you all go
But the music brings me back so easily
How do I escape this demented cycle?
Just know that I think about you more than you know

Anyone I've ever been with
Has affected me so drastically
And they still lead the way I think some days

I'm sorry that things ended this way
Almost always because of me
These memories never seem to fade
So even though I may have hurt you
I still hurt every day because of it too

When I think of being in love
It's only ever you
When I listen to gay love songs
You always come to mind
The one I want to kiss
The one I want to cuddle
The one I want to talk to forever
Even when we should be sleeping
You mean everything to me
And that's hard to admit most days
Even when it's hard
Even when **** hurts
It'll always be you

Waking up to a heavy chest
My body begging me to sleep again
And my anxiety begins the second I realize I'm alive
I'm trying to learn to function
With all of this negative energy inside me
I know it'll pass and
I know it'll get better
But right now it hurts
I feel unloved
Unloveable
I feel lost inside myself
A place I can't stay too long
Before I lose my mind
I can tell myself I'm worth it and
That my worth isn't defined by others
And it works for a bit
Until something else comes up and
My heart loses its energy
And I either feel like giving up
Or ready to fight everyone

Do I want to kiss you
Because I actually like you
Or I just feel out of control?
I tend to be self-destructive
When nothing in life is going well
And I don't want to drag you into this
I brought up never having drunk kissed someone
Our friend said we should do it
And the idea just stuck in my head
I didn't think it'd be a reciprocated feeling
Because I can't imagine you thinking of me that way
But drunk me decided to offer
Just to let you know I was thinking it
You said you were surprised
I'm not sure why but that's ok
You also said you might accept the offer
But it depends
On what I'm not sure
I just hope it's not awkward at work tomorrow