I'm sorry I'm like this
I genuinely feel insane
Because I love you so ******* much
But sometimes the bad stuff is consuming
And yet I just numbed myself with pain
Then took a couple dabs
And my positive emotions are starting to flow more freely
So I want to tell you now in case this fades again

I love you
Undeniably
I want to spend forever with you
Always
I'm scared to say I need you
But I know it's true

And I'm sorry I've been an *******
These states of mind scare me too
Which probably just makes it worse
But I'm really going to try this
For you and for me
Change is really intense
But for you I'd try anything

I'm sitting in the bathroom
A knife in my hand
My cats near my feet
How could I do this darkness
In front of such sweet angels?
But still I do
The blood begins to sprout
And halfway through
I wonder why I'm so crazy?
Why am I even upset?
Why am I doing this?
And yet I only feel this calm
Because of the pain
And for the first time in a few days
I finally feel ok

Red lines red lines
Like tiger stripes
Across my shin
I want them across my wrist
My forearms and back too
Tigers are strong and fearless
Brave in the face of death
Maybe that's what I'm looking for

Things are constantly changing
But these scars on my skin make me feel better
Because even if everything else falls apart
I know they're always there for me

We used to text all the time
We hated texting
But we always wanted to talk
Now my phone is silent

We used to say these cute things
Like I love you forever
And I'll never leave
And now it just sounds forced

We used to always want to sleep together
Talking all night
And cuddling close
And now we're canceling plans

You say your feelings won't change
But our interactions have
These seemingly small details
Feel like everything for me
And being around you doesn't feel the same
Because I know you've been with her
She's probably more fun than me
Especially with all the negative **** I'm feeling
So how can I blame you for bringing her up in stories
When I can barely look at you

I want to take the blade to my wrists
And my legs
And my thighs
But I know it won't help
Because this hurts more than that would

I want to get wasted
Drink until I pass out
Or throw up all of this emotion
Maybe then I won't feel this pain
But I know that won't help
Because once it wears off I'll feel even worse

I want to get ****** out of my mind
To get as high as possible until these feelings can't touch me
But that will not help
Because the past few times I've smoked
It's only made me more in tune with my anger
Releasing all of the adrenaline into my system
Until I can't even look at you

I want to die
Because that's the only way out of this
I feel like I can't leave you
But I don't know if I can stay either
And if I'm dead I won't feel anything
I won't have to breathe
When each inhale fuels the anger in me
I won't have to think
All of the thoughts that are consuming me
I won't have anything
I won't be anything
And since I feel that anyways
What's the point of this?

I feel so alone
Even though we're still together
You've got two other partners now
And I tried to find one other
but that didn't work either
Because I didn't feel the connection I feel with you
And I honestly don't think I ever will
And I hate that
I resent you for that
Because I am dying right now
And I want to ******* run
But if I leave I'll die anyways
So what's the point?

I lived with depression
For almost my entire life
And this hurts more than that
I've been cheated on many times
By many loves
And this hurts more than that
I take blades to my shins
And this hurts so much more than that
Cause that's the only thing that sets me free anymore

Because I am ******* trapped
You've taken all of the control away from me
And I know it's not intentional
But I can't stop this anger
It's consuming me and I'm taking it out on you
Parts of me want to

But mostly I want to be alone
Because I'm a ******* mess right now
And I feel entirely isolated anyways
And having people around will only hurt more
Because it doesn't change anything
Nothing does
And I don't know if it ever will