Why does this hurt so badly?
My emotions are circulating like a tornado
Alternating between crippling sadness breeding burning tears
And intense anger at not understanding
Why need more?
Which is an offensive question but that's how I feel
Why make your life even more difficult
When you claim you don't even know how you feel?
If you don't then why are you still pursuing it?
Why are you sleeping together more regularly?
Why is this not enough?

And as a poly person myself I should understand
But this is ******* killing me
I've been hoping you'd text me at least once today
And now I only want you to so I can ******* ignore it
Cause this **** hurts
And it burns
And it's tearing up my soul
Because I love you more than you'll ever know
And I just don't get it

I know I should keep an open mind
And try to be accepting of all of this
But I flat out don't like her
Which is immature because I don't even know her
But from what I hear she doesn't respect you
Not the way they and I do
Not how you deserve to be treated
Maybe it was a one time mistake
Or maybe it'll be worth it for you
But right now I can't even breathe

Even though I'm putting you through the same thing
It's still different in some ways
I only have one partner
You're looking at three
And I know it's stupid to count numbers and compare
But what the ****?
If it's hard enough now
Why can't you just work with this
Why add another person to the mix?

But I also want to support you
Because I love you undyingly
And I want you to be happiest
But I can't even think about talking to you
Knowing you're with someone else right now
I can't think about you without thinking about her
Wondering if you've kissed her
Questioning how you feel and
If you're actually being real with me

And yeah I should try to think this will pass
But what if I don't want it to?
What if I don't want to numb myself to this pain?
Cause it hurts
And I'm not ok
But I chose this and I knew this could happen
And I'm angry at myself for these feelings I carry
And I wish I could be numb to it all
I wish I didn't care so much
But I do
And this ******* *****

Our smiling faces plastered across my phone screen
Looking back now, I can see the facade
I can too easily distinguish
Those smiles that were real from the ones as fake as the heart I gave you
I feel slight sadness when I see your face
We were together for two years
But they were full of confusion and lies
And I'm genuinely sorry for that
You deserve better than that
Better than me

And then there's the more recent breakup
I didn't even look at the pictures before I deleted them
And I'm sorry I'm so heartless
But we really shouldn't have happened
I wasn't ready to date again and
I didn't know me
So how could I expect you to understand?
But you were good, we just weren't meant to be
I regret it only because I hurt you so much
And I know you're still hurting
I'm sorry I wasn't the one
And that I can't help you anymore

Now, I look at the only picture I have with my love
And I imagine staring at it if we were to ever split
It breaks my heart to even consider it
This is real love
This is the most genuine feeling I've ever felt in my life
Because I love you more than words will ever explain
And if you chose to leave
My entire universe would crumble beneath me
My feet would fall between the crumbling rock
Breaking my legs as I slip down
Until I'm stuck in a lonely abyss
And I hate to admit how strongly I feel
And how much I truly crave forever
Because my past is full of skeletons
And I know I deserve to hurt the way I hurt them
But you are nothing shy of perfect
The brightest light I've ever had the privilege to witness
And how you love me
I'll never know
But I will revel in every second
Because you are the stars
The moon
The entire galaxy
To me

My therapist asked me
If I like you because I like you
Or because you like me
Ironically enough
I knew I liked you
Before we even talked about it
And now as I lay in my bed
I'm daydreaming about blanket forts
And Disney movies
And cuddling in the warmth of our fortress
Although I never know when I'll see you next
I'm always looking forward to it

Our relationship is defined
By sleepy closing eyes
Suddenly fluttering awake
Because we realized something else to critique
We move through this life
Stuck in the definitions of the systems
But we know better
We know to question everything
From endless rants about capitalism
To minorly correcting the others word choice
Anarchy fuels our veins
As our hearts beat in sync
To our own vibrations

We say words are not enough to describe the way we feel, yet I still keep trying to write it

Our love is limitless, endless, undying, and powerful
But these are just words and they only graze the surface of this experience

Our love is racing hearts, sleepless nights, comfortable silence, and genuine transparency and respect
We love without doubt, with a terrifying passion, these feelings are suffocating
But if breathing meant losing you, I'd gladly hold my breath forever

I let you into every inch of my soul, even if you feel I'm hard to read
You've seen these demons, felt the tension of this anxiety, and yet you're still here

When we lay together, your soul touches mine so deeply, I forget anything else exists

There is nothing but you: your soft skin against my fingertips, your endless gaze connects with mine
Time means nothing here, life becomes mute, and we are untouchable

And within this strength and within this love, there lives a trickling fear
Do we struggle to cross this stream due to the monogamous constructs trapped by our socialization?
Or do we simply experience such an intense connection that the idea of losing it feels like death?

I've asked many different people to define the love they feel
And even though it's beautiful to read, none of it defines us
Grounding? Yes. Safety? Absolutely. Inspiring? Without a doubt.

But our love is more than these loaded terms
Because language is limiting
Though I'll keep chipping away at these words forever
Until I find every way to say I love you

A face full of metal
And skin bleeding ink
With an image this hard
What do people really think?
They don't see the anxiety
Waking me up in a panic most days
Or the nausea that accompanies it
As I try to get ready for my day
I see my reflection
And I look calmer than I feel
Toothpaste foaming at the mouth
I'm trying to learn how to deal
How to convince my feet
To drag me to classes
When all I want to do
Is lay in bed til this passes
But adulting leaves no room for anxiety
And my grades will falter if I keep missing
It's an endless cycle of dos and don't
And I feel like it could **** me
Only a month ago
I could order food without a second thought
And now I'm just drowning again
From all of this anxiety I've got

Not sure if you changed your number
Or ignored my texts
But you need to hear this
Remember that **** that happened my senior year?
When you decided that you'd stay alive if I stayed physically involved with you?
And continued to touch me even though I said no?
You better not have forgotten
Because I sure haven't
That is called coercion
Not only is it ****** assault
It is ****
Which makes you a ******
You made me feel so bad for stopping
For no longer letting you use me
That was victim blaming
You placed your supposed 'love' for me
Over my literal existence as a human being
You justified ****** me
By saying you loved me
And that doing it would keep you
From killing yourself
But you didn't realize how much
You were killing me
Just because you love someone
Does not mean they owe you anything
Whether they like you back
Or not
Whether they've hurt you
Or not
You do NOT get to assault people
Just because you think you deserve it
I'm not as mad as I used to be
And I'm only writing this
Because you need to hear it
You need to know you're a ******
So you don't do it ever again

I can't change what you did to me
But you can make sure it NEVER happens again