Electric currents shock my system
As I try to comprehend these feelings
I don't like to let myself feel things
They call it fear of commitment
It's not about that as much
As it's about self-preservation
Sometimes I feel suffocated
Because I feel so much
And these busted lungs
Can't handle everything at once
So I drown my blood with drugs
Some that allow my emotions to flow
Others that stop my mind from spinning
Either way it's hard to stay sober
For too long in this crazy life
I can handle the stress
I can handle the pain
But when it comes to love and like
A panic breeds in my soul
Because I'm afraid to show myself to these women
These demons owned me for so long
I'm covered in scars
Some you can see
Some you can't
Either way they show themselves someway
They're damaging despite their invisibility
And owning that fact is tough
Taking responsibility is even harsher
But if I want something honest and genuine
That's exactly what I have to be

you will never be forgotten.
ever.
your name twisted into metaphors and colors and distractions will forever
be painted across pages and pages of her favorite brand of notebook,
no matter how many she burns
there will always be one she forgot,
and she will only find it once she had almost forgotten you.
she will find the one Papyrus notebook
and all of your metaphors and colors and disractions will come flooding back,
just like how the ocean in your eyes
flooded her heart all those years ago.

Why is it so hard for me
To tell you that
I want to spend my life with you?
You see me
In a way that
No one else has
You've heard my story
Really listened to me
And yet you still stuck around
I love you
Undeniably and unapologetically
But I'm still afraid
I can't tell when I'm pulling away
But I promise
It is not intentional
My feelings haven't changed
If anything they've grown more
And that's terrifying
Because what I feel for you
Is entirely incomparable
To anything else I've ever felt
You mean everything to me
And even though it's hard to admit
I need you

Anxiety-free living
What a glorious experience
For the first time in my life
I feel like I can be myself
Without fear
Without regret
I am here
I am free
Instead of waiting out in my car
I entered the coffee shop alone
Ordered food
And a drink
I asked for a minute to think
Unapologetically
And was not overrun with worries
Of whether the cashier was judging me
Or waiting impatiently for me to decide
I simply took charge of my space
Took charge of my time
And it may seem like a meaningless thing
But to me
Where anxiety has always led my life
This is *everything

I love you
More than words can explain
I fall for your voice
And how it characterizes your words
We talk for hours on end
About everything and nothing
It feels like time stops
When I'm in your presence
But once we check the clock
We realize it's passed at double speed
Alone we are strong
Together we are powerful
Untouchable
This love outweighs all the bad things
All the difficult conversations
The anxiety-provoking misunderstandings
For once I don't feel the need
To attempt to control everything around me
Because this time around
I trust you
And I trust in us
And that's a beautiful thing

I never could
Yes I was hurt
But I'm not angry
And I'm not upset about it
I am just trying really hard
To grow as a person
And that's hard with any extra pressure

I understand why you're using your words
As ammo against me
Because it is a coping mechanism and
I'm sorry I couldn't handle it
Because I want to help
But right now I need to worry about me

I'm going through a lot of changes
Trying constantly to improve myself
Because I need to keep growing
And I've done so much in the past few months
More than I have in my entire life
My friends stopped worrying about me
One said she was always worried before
But now she can breathe easy because
I truly am changing

But I am not mad at you
At all
I hear you
I understand your pain
And I'm sorry I broke you again
I didn't mean to be that person
But I was
And I can't change that fact
I wish I could help you
But I don't think I can
It may seem selfish
But I really am helping myself right now
And anything else will hinder that progress

There's so much I want to do
So much I want to be
And I'm finally realizing that I have the power
To really make a difference for myself
And it's intense
But also amazing

I wish you nothing but
Love and everything good
Because you do deserve it
You are a good person
And your depression doesn't define you
Neither do your coping mechanisms

But I do not hate you
Because I know you're only human
And the only thing we all want
Is to be happy and not feel pain
That's how we're all connected
So I hope you find peace
And I hope you stay clean
Through the process of finding your truth
Because you are an amazing person
And I know you can pull through this