It took a few months
Before I knew I was ready
Once, I wanted you to touch me
But after the physical excitement faded
I knew I needed more time first
It's the longest I've waited
I needed to know how I felt about you
Before *** interfered with that
It wasn't about physical gratification for me
Though my body appreciated it too
I knew I wanted to share that intimacy with you
To be vulnerable in the the barest of forms
I wanted to give you all of me
Emotionally and physically
It felt different in the best way
And I still don't know what to call it
"*******" is too emotionless
"***" is too
But "making love" is too odd a phrase for me
But it could've been
Before, I was scared
(another first)
But in the moment I wasn't
Kissing you felt natural
Without the pressure of hyper-sexuality
It felt real and raw
Unlike anything I've had before
It's always been too physically focused
I'm used to the roughness
Used to the pleasure in pain
But you were so gentle
It felt different but I loved it
Because it was so you
Your touch and your heart
Gentle, kind, genuine, good
The things I'm usually into
I can't say I want to do with you
Because even though they're good and consensual
They may come from a place of darkness
And I wouldn't want to taint your gorgeous light

I find it funny
That you don't take me seriously
Until these words
Stain your phone screen
I feel that though
Because I could say anything
But if I write it then
You know it's real

**** this ****
I'm over it
I know I said I'd be here
But I don't deserve this
Your anger is valid
But you don't get to take it out on me
I can't change the past
But I can grow from this
I can be better
But not if you're sitting there
Whipping me with your words
Simply because you hate the truth
I'm sorry it happened this way
But it's not all one-sided
Neither of us are perfect
We both **** up
But I can't keep doing this
We're good for a minute
And then you're mad again
And it's always my fault right?
When my ex was doing this
You told me it seemed unhealthy for me
Now here we are, it's just the same
So maybe I'll take your advice this time

I feel your soul as you lay beside me
Sound asleep but I'm still awake
Days like these I wish I could hold onto
But this much emotion also breeds fear
Fear of hurt
Fear of pain
Fear of losing myself again
I love you
And this is hard
Even though you're under the most pressure
This situation is pushing me too
Of course it's worth it
But that doesn't make it easy
I'll always keep trying though
Because this love is worth it

Yellow syrup coats the glass
Held together by rainbow metal
Flashing lights line the coal-black screen
This is my vice
Begging me to cave in
To take one taste
I'm overwhelmed with sadness
But I see through its disguise
If I fight the cravings
My brain attempts to manipulate me
Back into the drug
Sadness
Anger
Frustration
Anxiety
They're all ploys
Trap doors to fall through
Right back into my addiction
I have to check myself
To remember that quitting
Is an active choice I make
And even though it's only been 5 hours
It's better than nothing

I have bad thoughts
Of beautiful things
The color red
Oozing from my pale skin
The simplicity of a clean line
Only to be ruined by smeared blood
Why do these thoughts haunt me?
Am I obsessed with my own pain?
Or simply so ****** up
That I find beauty
In the face of my demons

Even as tears stain your face
You've never been more beautiful
A gorgeous warrior
Fighting the battle that is your life
Typically intense and headstrong
Before me you're sensitive and hurting
You're so complex but
Your heart is pure and good
And I love every aspect of your existence
I'd hold you forever if I could
I want to save you from your demons
But I know I can't
So I'll be here with you through it all
Whether you're fine or not
I will always be here for you
Because I love you
And I know you can make it
I see it in your resilience
I feel it in your soul
You are undeniably strong
And I believe in you