I must admit
That I hadn't
Thought about our song
For quite a while now
But I would never forget it

I remember you playing it for me
Your amazing voice echoing across the walls
Of that small, somewhat creepy, practice room
I remember how I could feel
This energy between us that
Fueled those lyrics' creation

You've always been a beautiful writer
I was definitely jealous when I first read it
That day we sat in the library
You were supposed to be working
But we've always made our own rules

I wish I could explain
The hurt I feel while reading our past
So clearly plastered across this bright screen
Similar to how I feel
While replaying these memories
But it's complicated
And I've always been bad with my feelings

I'm sorry I've been quiet these days
I have other poems in the works
That might better explain where I'm at
But it doesn't mean I don't care

I reread your texts a lot today
Trying to decide if it's worth it
To engage in conversation
When it just always ends the same way
My feelings and thoughts
Could never agree
So I didn't say anything back

I'm listening to that song you sent me now
I wasn't sure what you meant by it
And I'm not fond of the sound
But I feel and think of you
When I hear the lyrics

And speaking of songs
My heart basically stopped today
Because my new Spotify
Includes a playlist with depressing music
And of course it played "I've Given Up on You"
It reminds me of you undeniably
But the title means something different this time

I don't want you to think that
I've given up on you
And assume that my silence
Means that I don't care
I love you
I always will
But you're also bad for me right now

Your aggression
While possibly justifiable
Hurts my soul and
Absorbs all of the energy
That I need
To take care of myself
And others

But I am still here
I'm a phone call away
I can't say we can be friends at this moment
Because it was harder for me
Than I had thought it would be

But don't think I don't remember
And don't think I don't care
Because you're still everywhere
From the music I vibe to
And the games I can't play
But more than anywhere else
You're in my thoughts and memories
And those still torture me

I'm sorry I'm so ****** up and
Overall just complicated
I know my feelings
But sometimes I don't feel them
And that's terrifying
I know they're there but
They get shoved under
By the waves of anxiety and fear
I want to give you everything
But I don't know what that means
I get trapped within myself
And it feels like I can't breathe
These thoughts thrash through my mind
Tearing up everything they touch but
I love you entirely
And I don't want this darkness to touch you
So I'll probably always question
Why you make the active choice to be with me
I'll never understand
How someone as amazing as you
Could ever love someone this broken
For that, I am the luckiest person
Because you do love me
And you're with me
And you're the most loving and supportive person I know
And you remind me constantly
As exhausting as that might be
So thank you for being you
And for being here
I love you
Always

Glowing screens in the
Dark dark dark
White smoke against a
Spark spark spark
I'm consumed by this ****** up
Heart heart heart
And I need an escape from all its
Parts parts parts

I feel so broken and lost

My mind is a skipping record
Repeating everything until it's
Dead dead dead
I'm on the couch
And my love is in my
Bed bed bed
And I feel so trapped
Stuck in my
Head head head

I can't break this cycle alone
But I'm losing my cool
This is fear
This is panic
This is irrational
It's useless

And I need it to stop
Stop
Stop
Before it rips me
Apart

This fear is consuming me
A rope tying tightly around my throat
My chest
My stomach
Constricting my breath and cutting off circulation
Thoughts are spinning spinning spinning
Through my hollow mind
They won't stop
They're stealing my sanity
How do I function through this
When my mind knows it's illogical
But I cannot stop the panic that's destroying me?
I need an escape
I feel trapped but I'm not
I don't know what to do
This isn't the first time
And it isn't the last I'm sure
I don't know how to escape this
When I'm running from myself

I wanna see the blood
I wanna see the pain
I wanna prove that my body
Is nothing more than a frame
My mind is screaming
Parts of it beg me to bleed
The others demonize those pleas
I just don't want to feel this way anymore
And I suppose it's my own fault
I know how I get
When I start drinking then stop
Maybe that's why I always overdo it
Because then I can get sick and sleep
Before this depression takes its hold
And sets my demons free
Digging and clawing at my mind
Until I do the same to my own skin

Sitting in this dark room
Running from my own darkness
Drowning out this fear and pain
With cold liquor and burning nicotine

Anxiety is spiraling through my veins
And the alcohol tames it for a minute
But then again I'm drinking alone
And that itself is dangerous

My clean arms are taunting me
Begging me to stain them red
With my own hands
To coat them with my own demons

I've been clean awhile now
And I've been doing well
But some days I'm not so sure
Because the knife is always a few feet away

How do you **** something inside yourself?
How do you escape your own feelings?
I know it's unhealthy
But these substances make it easier to deal

I know I've felt happy lately
But you don't see how close
The darkness really is
Threatening my neck with every step

I am ashamed of what I've done
To you and others alike
But that's why I'm trying to change
It's why I'm growing into a better person

Believe it or not
Worrying too much about others is
At least in part
Why I've hurt so many people
I try to save these broken people
But I hurt them more in the end
Because I was listening to their desires
Without thinking about myself
Without realizing what I truly feel

Trust me for once
It isn't easy to live this life
I am not proud of my past
I am not proud of my choices
But I really am trying
I really am changing

I know you think it's too late
But there's nothing that could change
The fact that I hurt you this bad
All I can do is learn from my mistakes
And stop myself from hurting anyone else

Because even though I'm happier these days
I still hate myself for what I've done
You think I'm standing on the bones
Of the lovers who I've hurt
Just to get myself ahead
But those skeletons live in my mind
And they're not tucked nicely away in closets
They're scattered in unexpected places
Drowning me in endless flashbacks
Burning the skin where they've touched me
Their goodness destroyed by my darkness
Those memories destroy me
But I'm trying to get better

And since I can't change the past
That's all I have to hold on to