The first weekend of quarantine
I bleached my hair from black
to a neon pink and yellow pulse
My family booked a room at the Ramada hotel,
the only family there
I practiced opera in the empty bathtub while they swam
While they slept I layed outside
on the porch
in all my black clothes
listening to 200km In the Wrong Direction by tATu
on full blast through my headphones
The pain was pent up
And expelled through that hysterical humidity

i am the world's
younger sister
and older brother

no one will ever find me
no one will ever know me
no one will ever see the sadness & stay
no one will ever find me
no one will ever hold me
or tell me I’m alive when I think that I’m dead
no eyes that are watching
no ears that are listening
no one will ever see me
no one might ever hear me
they leave me a puzzle unsolved
it’s not that I’m tricky
just not what they’re used to
but with me, they believe,
their efforts will be wasted
all I need is one person
and a person, I need

my sister is gone
and the cat is gone
and my brother is gone
and my mother's been knocked out since noon

shake away my body
hustle when you tear at it
i don't want to be perceived

death's arms around me
as if they've always been
they cradled me
in my childhood bedroom
the warmth I recognize still
they slow my pulse and calm me
they lull me
to my home, the empty

"you can tell me anything"
you want me to
confess to
the wrong crimes

I've thought of myself as open
Carelessly trusting
Does it matter what I say or what people know?
But I suppose it doesnt count
The things I've never spoken of
Just because it's never come up
In conversation
Because those things dont come up in conversation

It's too much
I am not 'wholesome'
There is nothing whole
You say it like you're scraping
To devour my void

I feel worse for my apathy
Than I do for you

People were shuffling into the halls in tears
I turned to her and said
'I think I have apathy issues'
She told me she loved me
Squeezed my shoulder
I didnt say anymore

You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?
You, too?

I don't get why any of them like me
Hell knows I wouldn't
Ew

why was I most murderous in my childhood
I was young and I was magical
and craved the taste of blood
like a wild woodlander
I'd think of myself that way
Now I'd laugh at the thought
my hands are only softer
meant for caressing the skin
of such a child's face

Forget my jacket
I want to feel the cold
I want to feel my mourning
From the air

I've been saying "*******"
a lot more these days

Grey shore
Stretched over the horizon
Where i am the only one
Above the surface
I am fated to dive
Fated to sink
Purposefully
Alone
The debris of my body
I only hope
Life may emerge from it

Year of the cat
My anthem for letting go

the mushroom council has deliberated
i think they think
its time to take me

scrubbing the tears off from under my chin
this was an accident
but i don't have the heart to change it

god you're so pretty
god you're so pretty
god you are lovely
I want to hold your waist
I want to feel your hands
I want to feel your words
As you speak to me
in the flesh
I want to secure you
in the flesh
With my affection,
infiltrate you

She hears me not when I call
for her but when I call her name
I see the lines that catch around
her frame, but cannot see her face
I think to speak although she's nowhere near
And dare to dream although I know
she lies awake
in hopes to lie alone and lie for long
Along that growl that she hides behind her
dully, she stares, nothing
And I see it
And I know
She won't let me pry myself apart
but shes gone from me

Different meanings to the passing bird
I heard you've been mentioning my name
I heard it all until 5am
I dream I'll hear it again
There was no moon today
In the place where it should usually be
At this hour
It was full the night before
The sky is clear now
I wonder what it might mean

I went on a walk
And failed to find any cool rocks

There arent any teams
but they're both against me
I live in two houses
And am welcome in neither
I will forever be stuck
Sleeping on this basement couch
Confined and silenced
A servant of time

oh no,
here it comes again
if it feels like you're the only one i confide in,
it's because you are
it's overbearing: an issue
like i'd let that happen again
oh man
here i go again
i'm alone

a day again
and still I'm saying
I need help

unlovable
for the last time I
will hope that another will come along
I hope that
Looking out these windows is a sign
that death is near
and nearer than you
I am so poorly written
i'm sick of it

Let me be ill
And let me be free
I'm starting to sound like you
Nothing could
Disgust me more

I knew from when
You shaved off your eyebrows
I knew from the stubble
I get it, you get it,
We've all heard it,
But I could swallow your eyes whole
I want to worship your cheek
Frame your face with my own
I thought I was empty
You make me dream of sitting in the rain
You remind me of my life
I want to cherish yours

its the horror
of seeing them at the age you were
facing the same pain

I open my phone
its a text from you
that takes all of passing
to read
3 paragraphs to delicately explain
how and why we are through
If I knew
I wouldn't have opened it
The door shuts
and she tells me to read the poem aloud
My stare that compensates
For the dull of my mouth

watching you like this is weird
through a one-sided mirror
there are moments you look straight at me
without realizing that I'm there
you forgot to turn screenshare on,
I think

bare minimum
wring me as the towel
that I use to wash
from the oil & the pigment
leave me in the faucet

Firmly believing
That the past doesn't dictate your future
How do I advertise myself to you in that sense
Whatever story I have to tell
Is buried in the footprints
I left on the way here

some part of me still has hope
it constitutes my fear
I can never be numb
there is only suffering

I climb this Ithaca hill and I am
much closer to the clouds
I am
aging with each step
growing younger
smaller
laughter flooding through me
like rain finally flowing
through the cycle
I can lift my head higher
reversing gravity's pull
which has weighed on me
for all these years
Another revelation
this time, it's Spring

I cant believe it but ive
Forgotten this feeling
Of craving to be near someone
Even if it isnt you
I might have hope for me

Get out of my heart
I dont need a reminder
Of the stone in my future
I dont wish to grasp you
If I cant forever

I remember hearing the words
I remember feeling found
When she spoke of isolation
When she spoke of being alone

I am not the same
And nothing new

I think some of us are still hopeless
by the end of it
They went through a rough patch &
got over it
but not all of us can
I think some of us are born
Knowing that our end
would be the result of our own hands

here i lay on this cold section of the stage
where no one can see
where i escape
it is the same as death encompasses me
experiencing the narrative through
to the end

I repeat the ******'s word like he was meant
to live within me
I say it like an anthem
as if death took form and walked through my door
and gave me words to worship
as some personal salvation
it invades my nightly silence:
"I am young enough to repaint and
old enough to sell"
I make it a multitude of myself

Unworthy of a body
I want to destroy myself

Bind me
Bind me
Bind me

I am no different
Than any child close to death
Even if my bones
Seem to be so feeble
My health is not eternal
There was a time when
We would've been the same

we need more poems
about being *****
straight up
¯_(ツ)_/¯

my body decomposing like
its telling me to die already