I think it's you, for now
You are vague
& you're below
stood in the corner
with an open stance
that's where I saw you today
And the day before
how I think you really
looked at me
for the first time
in a way that wasn't conversational
Tell me about that
I want to hear what you have to say

this ****, now?
exactly how long has it been?

5th grade and I'm flying high
4th grade and I learn to write
For the second time
I don't know what it means
To reverse the order
But I know how to relapse
and lapse and lapse

what revelation am I supposed to come to?
it’s tiring
i’m tired

I am my own blackhole

a little bit manic
and a little bit dreary
there's not a soul left
for me to turn to
so i spit out poems
on a website with strangers
it won't help, won't fill the void
but it's the best i can do
at least i'm doing it

Once I'm on my own two feet
It'll start to make sense
I do not want to be provided for
Anymore

I am no identity
I am a body for the glow to rest on

i like the sound of it
i like to think its quiet
not as a stillness
but as a roaring tide
it shreds and it kills me under its collapse

I'm getting hungrier again
fifty dollars
to last the semester
feeling illegitimate
at the pantry, still
I feel I'm not worthy
of a free box of macaroni
as if I don't deserve dinner tonight

I want to be punched
Any volunteers?

having thoughts that make me go
aaa i need severe psychological help

I reveal myself and I am lesser
I will never
be loved
by the likes of them

The ascension and depletion of self-worth
When you lose the ability to write
Relatable poetry

if the days just keep on coming like this i might just have to actually give up 🤟

There is an attitude
about coming together
to create something new

I wonder if that is the cause
For corruption
When someone steps up
To take another's place
To carry out something prewritten
There is no longer the cause
There should never have been
Permanence in legislature

moon, you are
my only love
when i remember
that soon we'll be one
that is when i
no longer fear death

Horribly hollow
I face the bell jar
with daydreams of face paint
And a pair of nail clippers

I'm either dead
or in fear
the inbetween is nice
but still there are sides to the spectrum

suicide is
  sobering
death is
  sobriety

i'm still not getting better
i'm still not getting better
i'm still not getting better

my friends who love
can sculpt a lover's face
onto a sheet of paper

I feel closer to my childhood self
When I am sobbing

for those of us whose arms bend backwards
I see you behind the mirror
And I know you die
The moment those headphones are in

I think our souls have touched
Though we haven't shared our names
But your words have moved me
And you've grown attached to mine
And we brought ourselves here
Because there's something underneath
That we both want to explore

there's not enough talk
about accepting death with no afterlife
I can't read hundreds of articles
on how to comfort myself of this fact

you have scary things to say
at least scary for me to hear
i am feeling for once
so i allow myself to feel
in that i hold no shame

You are not the one
I'm supposed to be missing

consistently revising the suicide note
it’s now years in progress
from the original draft,
only a rare few words remain
why write the note at all?
I’ll wait until you forget

I'm tired of rotating through
the same conclusions

sometimes life is
going about your day
and then remembering
all the times your mom tried to **** herself

Bruise Blue Sky you
frame the dirt and
draw the courtyard

Dont get too close
Or I'll get cocky
Stare in awe
Only when distanced
And self-depricated
From that my pedestal is built
You see me raised
In my only light
When yourself lowers

Why the ****
Would I miss you now
You, the one not from two years ago,
But three
The one before
The one that I'D left &
have stood behind that
for these three years
Why would I miss you now
Even if for a moment
What the ****
Was that feeling supposed to mean

Handprints on the wall
I'll never know their names
They'll never know our failures
Resting in peace
Without the weight of our legacy
Which has been scrapped thereafter
And withers the print

Today is a day
I never thought I'd make it to
living every day knowing that
no one is promised tomorrow
yet wondering if there is life for me
wondering if i might live
for longer than a moment

how can I live blindly
are they hiding the fact
that there is nothing to see

I think very often of our pain
I think very often. why can't we care for each other
What is it that stops us
What is it that holds me back from holding you and holding them
and what stops them from letting go
letting go
To give up
and give your hand
and live instead
and live with compassion

I'm tired of being told
That wanting to be loved
Is childish

all i have are hard won lessons
but you dont believe in those

I dont want to start over

At times I'm scared
by how much I like you

near midnight, hello again
I’ll be in no one’s company tonight

why can't i just be who ive always been
but reinvent myself
so that i dont face this world alone?
why do i have to make myself
convenient, conventional
in order to be worthy of
understanding

The first weekend of quarantine
I bleached my hair from black
to a neon pink and yellow pulse
My family booked a room at the Ramada hotel,
the only family there
I practiced opera in the empty bathtub while they swam
While they slept I layed outside
on the porch
in all my black clothes
listening to 200km In the Wrong Direction by tATu
on full blast through my headphones
The pain was pent up
And expelled through that hysterical humidity

i am the world's
younger sister
and older brother

no one will ever find me
no one will ever know me
no one will ever see the sadness & stay
no one will ever find me
no one will ever hold me
or tell me I’m alive when I think that I’m dead
no eyes that are watching
no ears that are listening
no one will ever see me
no one might ever hear me
they leave me a puzzle unsolved
it’s not that I’m tricky
just not what they’re used to
but with me, they believe,
their efforts will be wasted
all I need is one person
and a person, I need

my sister is gone
and the cat is gone
and my brother is gone
and my mother's been knocked out since noon