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115 · Nov 2019
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
my friends i know don’t want me to stay
they can sense i feel the same way
in that i am unfit as a person
i do not want their help
& they do not want to help me
that’s how it’s still working
115 · Aug 2020
Untitled
winter Aug 2020
my sister is gone
and the cat is gone
and my brother is gone
and my mother's been knocked out since noon
115 · May 2021
requiem
winter May 2021
Virginia, I'm feeling you tonight
Like you're waiting outside my window
Arms outreached with Jacques Rigaut
Elliot I hear you mumbling around
Why now, when you've been quiet for so long?
Cradle me with dreams of California
Under those Teasdale Stars
Drown me like you did to River
I cant take the Mayakovsky life
It's like you're whispering, Brandis
But i hear you,
Your presence moves me
Closer to something
That I'm too scared to see
And yet
You won't stop coming for me
Until the end. This,
I know
115 · Sep 2022
repossessed
winter Sep 2022
my childhood self
is inhibiting my body
like an old queen
returned to her throne
this time with no feeling
this time with nothing
114 · Jul 2022
7-13-22
winter Jul 2022
sometimes i want you
to soak in my absence
but sometimes i want to die
just for me, too

i want the wind to
******* away roll me
into the ground where
i could lay for the rest
of my biodegradation
melt into bits and streams
and pools of nothing
forever
114 · Sep 2022
streetlight
winter Sep 2022
midnight
everybody wants to follow me home

who is gonna pick me out from the crowd,
and mutilate me
114 · Aug 2020
Untitled
winter Aug 2020
for those of us whose arms bend backwards
I see you behind the mirror
And I know you die
The moment those headphones are in
113 · Aug 2019
20123345922
winter Aug 2019
i am too known to be seen
vanished at my own disposal
huddled under the morning park bench
those who pray do not pray for me
as is nature
but all is well; there is grass in between my toes
113 · Dec 2020
Untitled
winter Dec 2020
The first weekend of quarantine
I bleached my hair from black
to a neon pink and yellow pulse
My family booked a room at the Ramada hotel,
the only family there
I practiced opera in the empty bathtub while they swam
While they slept I layed outside
on the porch
in all my black clothes
listening to 200km In the Wrong Direction by tATu
on full blast through my headphones
The pain was pent up
And expelled through that hysterical humidity
winter Feb 2022
sometimes at my most suicidal
i get premonitions
and experience memories from the future
whether its months or years ahead
i get a sneak peak
that lets me know i'm not going to die soon
its disappointing now
relieving later
and scary
when i have no more visions
to look forward to
to still experience
112 · Nov 2023
protection
winter Nov 2023
by my heart, may i be fierce
in rounding up you nihilistic
prey to destruction
mother's arms will strangle you
from dropping past the black horizon
squeeze and break you from
falling leaving bruises leaving
life
111 · Nov 2019
the pen
winter Nov 2019
It isn't paranoia
but the fear that has been following
Waiting for my word and for my pen
premonitions of the sword
that which men may have sheathed
though their waists still not unscathed
The lack of rhythm in each year
however steep the run can be
November always seems
to be the downbeat
It does not care whether we've moved on
or whether we cared at all
Still it holds you to that point
and it dares you to speak
inversed by the genie
of the very next morning
I did not mean, and did not wish
to find the pulse within my own
living, breathing, grieve-ish
body in disguise of a person,
in disguise of a tomb
I regress while you digress
and it can only be unfair
that I am worn, but I'm extended
apprehended by the likes of vacancy
and vacancy alone
I tell the tale to the dirt itself
the rubble I intend
to sink within and sink without
a means to any end
no mighty sword to **** the pen
where the pen has left my hand
where Divinity's demands
demand for more
than the sword
and the pen
who cannot bargain for his own
and cannot bargain with no hand
I will not pick it up
for I refuse to understand
the purpose of a Lord
and the meaning of command
where I am to live
in place of those who wish to
and I am to speak
to ground in those who can't
and the rhythm is lost
and the gateway is clear
that something new was meant for me here
&from nothing, I'm now bound to believe:
without the pen, the hand is clean
111 · Jan 2020
ah shucks
winter Jan 2020
there's no more me
111 · Nov 2021
Untitled
winter Nov 2021
smells of love
feels of hurt
winter Jun 2022
just because I've won for all these years
doesnt mean i'll win tomorrow
doesn't mean i've got the upper hand
I've built a mountain of luck
for having a quick draw
but the thing I'm defeating
can never be killed
in fact, only i can
this is my insurance
that i'll be fighting until i die
the question becomes a matter of
will it be tomorrow?
and can i control that?
and
do i want to?
110 · Jan 2021
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
I'm tired of rotating through
the same conclusions
110 · Feb 2020
Untitled
winter Feb 2020
How many letters
Murmur the name of hide and seek
Where the seeker has always been
An undesirable position
110 · May 2021
5-10-21
winter May 2021
days haven't been good but I'm
still committed to growing
face to face with people
who believe that pain is necessary
to make means more efficient
who dismantle their own hurt,
thinking life is just a game
but i'm committed to keep going
make amends through it all
even when i feel put down
or so angry i start crying
i'm just trying
to prove them wrong
their exists hope
and kindness and love
for the simple act of being
and i'm being patient for you
if I can endure this world
I can endure you, too
109 · Aug 2019
Colder
winter Aug 2019
Even when I seem colder
I'm not getting older
For all the things you sold her
You'll never be by her side

Even when the whitest lies unfold
There'll be no escaping your hold

Fighting every second of time
as its density keeps you wavering

I can't fight for you
I won't cry for you
I won't fight for you
I might try for you

You don't need my excuse
You think I feel used
For that, I didn't need you
I chose to live by my own rules
109 · Feb 2022
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
afton still sends me
pictures of the moon
is it too rash for me to say
i love you too
108 · Jan 2021
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
in bed for four hours and i
tell myself i just need to lay down
108 · Nov 2021
Untitled
winter Nov 2021
i'm still not getting better
i'm still not getting better
i'm still not getting better
108 · Nov 2021
Untitled
winter Nov 2021
I'm getting hungrier again
fifty dollars
to last the semester
feeling illegitimate
at the pantry, still
I feel I'm not worthy
of a free box of macaroni
as if I don't deserve dinner tonight
107 · Sep 2021
ghost light
winter Sep 2021
I'm feeling that old theatrical feeling
Where I become a creature in facepaint
A shadow taken form in gowns and robes
and I myself am the echo of footsteps on the stage
I feel that aching feeling
of looking into your eyes and feeling horrible things
like my desires to love and keep you and take you with me
into a place where it is always night
and we live inside the walls and watch the curtains from the side
and we come to life and circle the ghost light
I cannot have you
but we will always be the same
and I will always feel your name
forming at my lips
when I kiss these walls goodnight
106 · May 2022
the march
winter May 2022
I am crossing a threshold
walking home I felt
people in numbers
walking behind me
following the march
something is coming
something still on the way
I can feel it
106 · Feb 2022
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
i wish i could apologize
without it being selfish
105 · Sep 2019
in a glance
winter Sep 2019
his eyes who want to know me
they needn't a second look
I direct my clarity in his direction
an invisible beam of something greater
if he knows me, he knows me
'less he knows me not,
the beam dissipates
but there is no worry
we are still collective in time
105 · Jul 2019
the pinacle
winter Jul 2019
I dyed my hair purple
to look like Gaz Membrane
from Invader Zim
that's all
105 · Apr 2022
Untitled
winter Apr 2022
people look over crowds
the same way
they look over the hills
105 · Oct 2020
Untitled
winter Oct 2020
saying your name
under my breath
over and again
105 · Jun 2022
little body
winter Jun 2022
how can this
little body
have so much to say
just a
small little thing
trying so hard to
change the world
no power
no force
no rallying cry
no car nor army
nothing of influence nor traction
just a pen
just a dream
as they will
from their basement
104 · May 2021
Untitled
winter May 2021
i think i'm starting to overcome it
I can love life, accept death, and believe
there's nothing after
all at once
104 · Sep 2019
something like a first date
winter Sep 2019
that’s it
I’ve felt it once
and the ending doesn’t surprise me anymore
I feel it now
as if I’d never left
and you’d never said goodnight
I’m alone for a day
and reduced to believing
in the remedies of being held
We are different
that’s what I’ll say
you’ll ask me “how?”
and for a moment, I’ll lose my answer
But they find their way back again
104 · Aug 2019
impression
winter Aug 2019
no, I have not grown
there is no new wisdom in my eyes
I gave you no prejudice to remark on my behavior
You are a stranger
and my blood is not your compromise
103 · Aug 2019
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
an antidote to worsen the symptom
the day, once threatening
the night, now laborious
time passes as a slow & steady tide
but there is no more time for me to wait
there is no more good
there is no more guilt
only the weight,
only the lack
everything is tiring
103 · Nov 2023
Untitled
winter Nov 2023
i feel my mouth in my soul
muscles in my cheeks
teeth, cosmic, prophetic
they'll outlast me
102 · Sep 2019
streaks
winter Sep 2019
the good morning
is sitting at the back of my school's library
so the sun hits my face
just before I leave for class
just before I finish my coffee
I listen to my mother's spotify
and choose not to finish my math homework
101 · Aug 2019
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
i don't care if it's fake
i want to feel it
i don't care if it'll last a month
i want to feel it
i don't care it'll hurt
i need to feel it
101 · Oct 2020
3
winter Oct 2020
3
Days of you saying "I'll go there for you"
and we waited so long
they won't be waiting for us

These days girls have started calling me
their best friend
While I sit here alone
It feels just as it was before

Annika

What has become of us
How have you made it so far away and
why are we alone

Ex-lover, premature,
daydreams of whispering in her ear
Dreams of her again being mine
(but I know I'm only) longing for an old companion

Even if it'll always be you
Afton Magenta
Even if it is only you
101 · Feb 2021
Untitled
winter Feb 2021
here i lay on this cold section of the stage
where no one can see
where i escape
it is the same as death encompasses me
experiencing the narrative through
to the end
101 · Feb 2022
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
having thoughts that make me go
aaa i need severe psychological help
101 · Jan 2020
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
digitally dirtied
is my poetry
no erase marks
to document the delete button
delete myself amiright
101 · Nov 2019
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
I am loveless
I am unloving
I don’t want to live
100 · Dec 2021
symphony child
winter Dec 2021
symphony child
it's time
to arise from the basement
from your little couch cusion
wear the dress that you keep
folded in the bathroom
along with the rest of your clothes

put on your pretty symphony face
and sit in the front seat
with bravery
stare straight ahead
when you're on the road
and look them in the eye
only when you're told to

melody baby it's okay
to take your eyes off the pain of the stage
because when the lights go down
it is only you in the back of the house
and it is only you
who can hear the voices
of the folk
in that great, rolling, symphony ceiling
only you can see their eyes
peaking from the catwalk
it is okay,
to let the sounds lift you up there with them
lift you up to death
a beautiful calm
that begins to
distort
the concert is starting to feel quite long

treble youth
for now this will be your life
you shouldn't have to
be aware of how temporary it all will be
you shouldn't have to
look forward to it

but while it lasts
feel free to explore
even if that may only be your own mind
grow where you're planted
even when the *** is quite small
as a seat at the back of the symphony
as the cushion seat
of a couch in the basement

symphony child
music functions
through movement
as time will move
through you
100 · Jul 2022
6-28-22
winter Jul 2022
I was born from the dark
and to the dark I shall return



when i see leaves
flicker in the sun
i know i'm home




I've always known
i wasn't from this world
my home is the cosmos
my body is the cosmos
in the cosmos i belong
all of my matter
scattered and uneternal


i want to thank you, universe
look what you created
look what you can do
this strange breath of life of earth
what a beautiful life its been

i think you always knew
how we would self implode
how we would suffer
in between meals and laughs
what a miracle
i have come from
what a miracle
it could last this long
i am sorry
we cut it so short
100 · Aug 2019
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
someone once told me
they believed the afterlife was a new earth
some call this hell
but for once
i hoped someone was right
100 · Jun 2022
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
My instagram
flows and flows
pictures and snapshots
at the top of a waterfall
ready for flight
raining down in full
relentless
I do not write when I am happy
I do not write when I am okay
I cannot capture security with words
I take pictures
Here is my cat,
Here is a latte,
Here are my friends,
Here is a cool tree
that reminded me of the one
that stood in the field
of my elementary school
That I cherished and loved
They cut that one down
I couldn't show you a picture
But this one looks quite like it,
don't you see?
And so they flow
Outweighing the scraps
of my written despairs
pouring like paint
to color my memory
of things
that are good
and things
that are okay
into the feeds
the scrolls of squares
they flow
100 · Nov 2020
Untitled
winter Nov 2020
all i know
is that there is no one watching over us
99 · Feb 2020
Corpse
winter Feb 2020
Does my skin have to feel like paper
From the inside out
Do I have to feel so gutted and hallow
A stringy shell
An awful stench
An emptied corpse
I want to dig within it
99 · Aug 2019
the tea, sis
winter Aug 2019
my shorter poems get all the attention
just cuz yall too lazy to read the rest
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