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137 · Aug 2019
annika
winter Aug 2019
I expected the relapse
but still there is a warmth
One year ago, on this day
Two years ago, on this day
I never should have left you,
my dearest friend
I never knew how cruelly
our time would be taken for granted
This was never the end
I'll be seeing you
137 · Aug 2022
mourning medley
winter Aug 2022
No wonder your body is breaking down
you've run out
of everything you've ever known
You can't get it back
the time the lack of
patience in a world ever changing
dictated by moments and space
and distance
that is time
that is our god we obey we
don't really have a choice or say




lightning storm strikes down
disaster, fading threads of
fate and putting terror in it's place


august skies can be vast and glorious and
threatening
astrological wakening the
retrograde is dead

flaming hot souls
scourch through the clouds at dusk




there was a reason the future looked so blank
there was a deadline, this whole time
sometimes the world kills
in order to spare you from what's next
but i want to know, i want to see it all
i want to see everything,
until the very end


i think it's fine if youre useless, it's
fine if you have no point or
purpose to serve
it's fine if you can't bring joy to others
it's fine
136 · Jun 2019
born and bred
winter Jun 2019
who i am is a product
of my mother
of my father
however hateful,
and however proud
as a flower doesn't choose its color
this, I've become

from my mother I learned
that there exists love
fruitful, but sour
bled from vanity
never a man but a child
could one ever love
that is what I learned from my mother

from my father I learned
to let the past go
that what is left home
will be torn apart
and what you hold onto
will be torn from your hands
that is what I learned from my father

I learn fast
and grew up young
born from my mother
captive of my father
splitting my life into integrated sectors
dividing my time and pleasures
into two, neat halves
the halves are muddy
but separate nonetheless
and in two different directions,
I am going one
happy father's day
135 · Apr 2022
oil
winter Apr 2022
oil
an exorcist
mines in my brain like its digging for gold
ow that hurts mister
can i eat dinner now please
winter May 2021
Child searches for truth in the eyes of
Others and finds nothing until the eyes
Of music
The brain is humanity's most powerful
Weapon and yet here we are
I want to say goodbye and be nothing.
I want to die. I want to see the stars.
I want the universe and future. I want to exist
I want to be free from this hell
134 · Aug 2022
just texting phase
winter Aug 2022
you're a good fantasy
you know how to keep the
darkness away
or at least, how to turn it
into something greater

i think of you
when i can't fall asleep
i feel guilty
though you're so far away
you make dreaming better
it's enough to combat the insomnia
it could better, it could be more
but it's enough
it'll do

it won't work out
i think you need excitement
loud, fast cars
loud life, fast death
i can't excite you, that way
but if you needed a break
i could be here
if you wanted calm
i can be

you look so tall
in your pictures
i think you'd be disappointed
if you saw me
i will never
be your babe
back-of-the-motorcycle
stunner lover
i can only
tremble
i can only
hope

but you're still texting me
somehow, friend
sending me songs
being so sweet

nothing could happen
you don't mean it like that

that's why,
i suppose
i don't have to worry
for thinking like this
i can bury it,
i can suppress it
in that, i am quite skilled

i don't know you well
i don't know you at all
but your flaming hot soul
you called me a river
said my soul could cleanse
the others around me

and yet all i want
is you around me
you at night
you in the day
i want your soul
and your arms and your voice
and your heart all wrapped around me
so that i could feel your flames,
if you'd let me
so that i could cool you down

so that's what i think about
and i hope that it's cool,
i hope that it's fine
to keep you this way
in my heart, in my dreams
my friend, my fantasy

nothing will happen
nothing could be
so we don't need to worry
we still can be free
133 · May 2021
5 years from now
winter May 2021
Winter finds
the tops of mountains
Short of breath from the climb
Crystals shaped like snowflakes fall
On their cheeks, stung by the sun.
They wear long clothing with
Buttons that match: a uniform
Symbol that, though small, reflects
Defining strength and aptitude
And keeps them standing tall.
But when they climb back down
The home they return to
Is distant and virtuous and small.
A familiar pen writes papers and poems
To fill up the shelves of a well-crafted den.
It’s a habit more than a hobby, by now
They’ll have published at least one or two, by then.
On weekdays they travel to libraries and schools
Read books to children and sing.
When afternoon comes, they’ll be fighting for justice
With knowledge, compassion, and persevered dreams.
Winter is seen taking walks in the spring that can last up to 10 hours long
With friends, old and new, who walk right alongside- the journey, though tiresome, is strong.
They’ve grown a few inches, in shoes or in heel, and their childhood fears have finally nulled
Traveling far away, small spiders and mirrors, these terrors now trivial, lackluster, and dull.
Winter is a season that she once felt was impossible to feel like herself in, she’d say.
But now they have conquered the long blist’ring winds, and Teasdale’s Stars, and Woolf’s Dalloway.
They keep moving forward, inspired and stilled, by the pleas of a kid who once called out their name
In hopes of an answer, running up that hill, fiercely demands of them: Requiem for: identities lost and spirits regained.
132 · Dec 2019
Untitled
winter Dec 2019
how can I live blindly
are they hiding the fact
that there is nothing to see
132 · Feb 2022
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
sometimes life is
going about your day
and then remembering
all the times your mom tried to **** herself
131 · Feb 2023
strength
winter Feb 2023
strength
in the morning
every hour minute moment
when despair takes its hold and every
word thought sight reminds you
of everything you've lost but
despair is useless and
despair won't get you through
131 · Nov 2019
duffle pt 2
winter Nov 2019
not right for me
not right for me
that is something you know
but i haven’t yet caught on
maybe it’s only the play
maybe i’ll want you after
how can i tolerate myself
if i’m not over you by then
131 · Aug 2022
witness trauma
winter Aug 2022
it wasnt that
animalistic, choking
raw death that read about
and call the hard, real truth
it was unearthly,
it was paranormal
like a demon holding her
up by the throat
and slamming her down
twisting her limbs
and trying to escape from her insides
it was
a horror scene
but more cold
more violent
there was no reason
for it to happen that way
at that time in the morning
i can still hear it
i can still see it
i can still smell it
i am bending over her as we speak
131 · Dec 2021
eulogy
winter Dec 2021
you know
people are constantly mourning
the version of myself
they created in their minds
but i've really never changed

i'm talking about ten years old
all of a sudden i've become an adult
ready for the push and shove
i'm talking about twelve years old
i'm apathetic and anxious
and antisocial
i'm talking about thirteen years old
i'm a *****
i'm talking back too much
i'm talking about fourteen years old
the time i bleached my hair
and suddenly i was a new kid in class
someone entirely else
you can approach me now
except for my father
because now i look like my mother
which means now i'm ready
to be the outlet of his rage
i'm talking about fifteen years old
freshman year of high school and i'm scared
but friends 1 2 and 3 from last year
see my instagram photos and
decide i'm **** and a ***** and a ****
and i'm so very very very changed.
sixteen years old my hair is back dark
and i'm wearing extra layers
and oh no you can't talk to me anymore
people can't know you associate
i no longer look pretty for your social media
seventeen years old
i cut my hair and dyed it purple
no one talks to me anymore
not even the kind ones
apparently i'm too far gone
eighteen years old
i've been through black, blonde, purple, brown and blue
i'm supposed to be more adult now
so my mother thinks i just must be cruel
i cut off all my hair
they think that changed me, too
nineteen years old
great news, i'm transgender
they're holding funerals for me back home
i dye my hair pink
my friends who i've known for only months, weeks, say

i can't recognize you
you've changed
130 · Dec 2019
nothing
winter Dec 2019
my spine is cracking more
these days
what happened to my pen
that used to litter my journals
with chicken scratches
that were more raw
than this clarity will ever be
why did I turn her off
and shut her away
where she now erupts
my mother says I've gotten smaller
and look for once like a child
I feel, for once, like a child
Everything I'm feeling,
I've felt once before
that horrifies me
comfort in dreaming
reliance in hope
I am building myself to fall
but I'm pretending not to know
feigning ignorance
to comfort my lack of motivation
to console the last shot
I'm young enough to do it all over
old enough for it to mean nothing
130 · Jun 2022
Untitled
winter Jun 2022
no man is deep
as a woman's womb
trans women have metaphorical wombs btw. not trying to reduce to biology in this house
129 · Apr 2021
Dolphin Letter
winter Apr 2021
A letter to the president
We’re begging you
To see us in the attic on our knees
Thrifted stationary on the floor and
The scribing of our pleas
Hear us when we speak, we are young
And all too aware of our dreams
Our lives in front of microscopes
Analyzing our hopes
Dear god, let us breath
There’s no crime in our dreams
Now they’re far across the world and I write all the same
I remember hope when I remember your name
Dear president,
The ocean’s long gone
And the reefs have all fled
And the humans learn to starve and
Home has gone to ****
With nothing left for the children
Whose lungs are black from the air they dreamed of protecting
You’ve exterminated devotion
To the selfless cause
O President
Did you feel betrayed
When you learned for the first time
What this world was truly like
Do you seek revenge for your hurt
Do you seek control
And, in spite of the trauma,
Can you remember
Your love for this world.
I had a childhood memory of when a friend and I wrote a letter to the president, asking him to save the dolphins. I felt sentimental, remembering our innocence and our ignorance.
129 · May 2022
Untitled
winter May 2022
there is nothing
i can do
there is nothing
left for me
i could leave
right now
and not a thing
would change
129 · Sep 2019
Untitled
winter Sep 2019
my friends who love
can sculpt a lover's face
onto a sheet of paper
128 · Jun 2022
quantum
winter Jun 2022
my childish nightmares
have started to come to life
creeping around the corner,
down the stairway
dark endless rooms with no doors
to exit or enter
launched into nothing
by an impossible swing

the dark

as death waits outside the window i
can't help but feel it coming back to me
shadows beginning to dance
exactly like they used to
whisping and waltzing
but most of all
watching, waiting
reassuring me that the end is
quite familiar
the end is
a dream
of a long ago girl
so new to life
so close to death
having only spent as much time
as she ever could or will

death is a lot like how it was before you were born

i'm fortunate, in that
i have a good memory
i'm unfortunate, in that
i can remember the pain
the longing
being late to the party
being a whisperer of stars

being so

enveloped

in

the dark
128 · Jan 2020
dinner time ayay
winter Jan 2020
my parents thought it was cool of me
to be so independent
they thought it was cool of me
to recoil from affection
thought it was cool
that during 5th grade
I'd hold a knife to my heart
instead of the steak
they aren't red flags
if they make you 'special'
if you survive,
you aren't suicidal
128 · Oct 2021
Untitled
winter Oct 2021
It isnt too late for compassion
And it isnt too late for hope
You from the city
Who comes from peace
Knows no difference
Between land and borders
I come from the coldwar
I come from plains
And I've seen the real need
To be unified
To be free
127 · Aug 2019
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
you did it!
the emptiness has gone away!
just kidding
127 · Dec 2019
2yrs going strong
winter Dec 2019
my youth was stolen by my love.
I brought myself to life
and paid the price.
I remember the moments
when my heart wasn’t beating,
a moment of you between the beats.
I change the story every time
but that one moment remains

I will age with it & die with it
my chant for when I sleep
and when I wake in the morning
I can’t remember how to cope with it
a journal by my bedside
to keep track of what to think
I cannot think, if not of you

My epitaph
my memoir

I crumble and become your absence
126 · Nov 2019
annika (again)
winter Nov 2019
I was always the main character in my narrative
until I met you
I had never felt that I was living with such purpose
as when I lived with you
I loved you as I love my mother
You are gone, and the purpose is lost
I feel empty, now you are gone
If I've upset you again
there is no greater failure
and my prevalence holds no truth
126 · Jan 2020
gravity
winter Jan 2020
It's easy to remember
that life isn't terminal
takes a moment longer
to see death isn't either
At times I wonder what use
it is to give my bones to the soil
to crumble into other forms
to replenish the earth
When the earth is where it ends
The earth is what will stop
Rotating about its axis
Revolving around the sun
It is not meant to last
It cannot be protected
We will die first
The earth will die last
And none will exist to remember
126 · Aug 2022
accident
winter Aug 2022
i am near the water
barely breathing
feeling like i'm
gonna lose myself in there

i am underneath
the concrete
completely unaware

the motors scream ahead
and she is holding
someone's hand

and the pulses
die beneath her
she is there
watching the end
126 · Jul 2019
a child; coping
winter Jul 2019
of something spiritual, romantic
stripped bare
to the ashes of biology
to the child
so willing, so loving
ripped not from the womb
but dropped from the night
hitting the dirt
and smelling for the first time the earth
love, relentless
ripped apart midday
only for the slivers to creep
from bedroom mirrors in the dark
the ghost terrifies me
the ghost is a product of my love
which no longer belongs to me
but the child alone
to ideologies
that kept the loneliness exciting
hyper and intoxicated
yet still spellbound
by horrors lurking a foot away
out the window
under the bush
that horror was the love left in me
a fiction of the brain
real in its affection
to be seven years old
and fantasize wooing the darkness
to be swooned by fear
it is inevitable
the cruelty of biology
124 · Feb 2020
gtfo
winter Feb 2020
I despise your envy
I am not the cause of your self-pity
I am my own to worry of
124 · Aug 2019
Untitled
winter Aug 2019
it's alright if they'll miss me
i'll miss me too
but for the life of me
this road i have to take
for the life of them
my road ends here
123 · May 2022
Untitled
winter May 2022
my eyes are
the color of the earth
as seen
from far away
123 · Mar 2022
Untitled
winter Mar 2022
everybody would have seen it coming
i've been waiting my whole life to die
122 · Aug 2019
Estrangement
winter Aug 2019
I'm not like my sister
who ***** up to you
because her real dad is dead
I'm not like you
who ****** up to your parents
so you could enroll to Eastman
I'm not like my mother
who ****** up to your promises
before it was too late

The words that I speak to you are real
I am not a puppet
You make me *****
With every demeaning scoff
At any instant I open my mouth

Estrangement isn't a joke, you know
You won't be laughing
when the last of us are gone
and you die alone
with no company but your own ego
122 · Sep 2019
Untitled
winter Sep 2019
you have scary things to say
at least scary for me to hear
i am feeling for once
so i allow myself to feel
in that i hold no shame
121 · Feb 2021
Untitled
winter Feb 2021
I just felt a timeless feeling
I'm drowned out with a song
And I see myself dead
And wonder who will hear
This same song
And see the same images
I wonder who
Listened to Elton John or Eric Satie
And saw themselves dead
With people of the future listening in
I can feel them now
121 · Nov 2021
kindness
winter Nov 2021
as a child
the people who interacted with me were
people who
actively hurt me
whether it was familial
or predatory
or in some other form, all the same

i don't know how to act, interact
i don't know the words people say
or the things people do
i never got to learn
how to be kind

i was never exposed to it
although i desperately want to
i greatly struggle
with how to give it

kindness

i want to show that to you
someone, please
show me how to
121 · Feb 2022
Untitled
winter Feb 2022
a lot of people see me
and decide they'd like to hurt me
maybe let me smile and laugh
until i'm cornered into that wall
they like how they tower over
they see my strength
and they want to test the limits
120 · Jan 2020
Untitled
winter Jan 2020
Near death experience
Became more frightening
When it wasnt myself
120 · Aug 2019
yeah
winter Aug 2019
yeah the dread is a little bit completely overwhelming
the famous daves billboard gives me a lot of anxiety
I watched a youtube video about "haunted" instagram posts
humanity has allowed all of this to happen
it's so ****** weird
humans are the weirdest ******* coincidence
maybe I need to listen to a different playlist
cut off this train of thought as abruptly possible
block it out until I die
that's what I've been doing this whole time, yeah?
120 · Jul 2023
home by sunset
winter Jul 2023
The smell of childhood ***
creeps out with the morning
like rays of light through the trees, the scattered pupils watch
Talking through the fence

All this summer makes me sick
memories of my hometown
and the ant colony men
who've been alone for too long
and only look for ways
to spread their disease
120 · Feb 2022
sdsu
winter Feb 2022
Who are you?

I came to your new house when you cried
Your life was falling apart, I Saw.

When he died,
when everyone else left for the night
and you opened up to me
you were still searching for yourself
and nothing made sense
I heard you
I knew you

and when you slowly revealed so many bits and bits and bits
your mother and your father
your brother and your sister

your family your history the
day you showed up in braces, even though your teeth were already Perfect.
"they told me i have to be perfect."
you said.

in that moment, i knew you.

we drifted apart, of course,
mostly because i didnt belong there
but still, but still,
i did know you

but years have passed
i watched them pass you too
blue gowns and suede shoes
the entire lot of you
in one grand assembly line
all looking exactly the same

no, i didn't know any of them
and there was no trace of you

more time has passed
actually, i've traveled far away
i see y'all exclusively now in photos

but it scares me.
"kristi"
is in your eyes
i dont know what theyve done to you
or what youre doing
in that evil town
that steps over the people it buries

but i'm looking at you now
i've never seen anyone so
far
gone.

there is no trace of you
i can't even recognize you
your mother is in your face
your father is in your dress
those things i know,
because thats how i know you
but the rest isnt true

so who the hell are you?
to all of the girls who go to south dakota state university
119 · Aug 2019
featherbed
winter Aug 2019
I like to think that your bed
is still filled with feathers
with your weight, and pressure
releases the crush and the sigh
of something more fragile
and something more stable
119 · Nov 2022
Untitled
winter Nov 2022
the end of the universe visits me each night and whispers the consequence of sleep
the dark, like a blanket, drapes itself over
the ashes of all we grieve
this bed where i lay, once soft and serene now threatens a place to be burried
consciousness drifts as i draw my last breathe, and what's left is this thriftless worry
i'd like to wake up, and i'd like to live on
but the end of time each day comes
i wish i could've saved all those who are gone
but the pain eventually numbs
118 · Jan 2021
Untitled
winter Jan 2021
There is an attitude
about coming together
to create something new

I wonder if that is the cause
For corruption
When someone steps up
To take another's place
To carry out something prewritten
There is no longer the cause
There should never have been
Permanence in legislature
118 · Aug 2022
real death
winter Aug 2022
it wasnt that
raw, choking
animalistic death that we read about
and call the hard, real truth
it was unearthly,
it was paranormal
like a demon holding her
up by the throat
and slamming her down
twisting her limbs
and trying to escape from her insides
it was
a horror scene
but more cold
more violent
there was no reason
for it to happen that way
at that time in the morning
i can still hear it
i can still see it
i can still smell it
i am bending over her as we speak
witnessing all
and being unable to do a thing
about it

for something so natural as death
you'd think there'd be an instinct,
a chemical in our brain
that allows us to deal
a way of processing and
understanding that
what we dealt with was real

but there is no such thing,
not in our bodies,
not in our souls.
apathy for the world
misanthropy aside
i cannot sit by
and watch the world
race itself into nothing
this universe alive, aching
shaking this God by the shoulders
and pleading for life,
life
let me have life
for a moment
and I will never speak of it again
I will forget all I know
I will return to the dark,
to the formless, to
nothing
with no one to watch me go
with no one to hold my hand
I am vanished
I am ceased

When a tree falls down with no one around to hear it, it never happened at all
Because as it falls,
on the forest ground,
on the hardwood hallway floor,
it surrenders itself
to the infinite void
and as it dies
the forest dies with it
the past dies with it
and as all the data decays
there is nothing left
to indicate
and with no way
to ever find out
that anything was ever even there
to begin with

this is the end of our universe
this is the grand finale
of this little cycle of existence
and we are watching it
right from home, folks!
with not a **** clue
of what we're looking at
at all

We can conceptualize
we can philosophize
we could be right
and yet
as we cross that line
of that great event horizon

it will not have mattered
and we will have learned
nothing

and to nothing

we will return.
118 · Nov 2019
co-star
winter Nov 2019
"You're pupils are a lot more dilated"

I know it isn't you
it's your proximity
I feel nothing but guilt
for allowing myself
to project this loneliness onto you

I tell you it's only the lights
winter Oct 2021
this song feels like
my life flashing before my eyes
it becomes obvious now that
instagram has become my scrapbook
my grandchild's historical tomb
to peer into
and realize that life has always been
a hollow broken chest
of insurmountable aching
the internal eternal abyss
that lies within a hurting heart
the hurt lasts centuries, lifetimes
bloodlines
so they might see a reflection
of their own emptiness
so they might see
that i could see their future
and can speak to the past all at once
118 · May 2022
Untitled
winter May 2022
i'll never be able to go through it
without ******* up
it's always me
117 · Aug 2019
no one
winter Aug 2019
nobody
nobody
nobody
nobody
nobody
116 · Jan 2022
being short
winter Jan 2022
yk i think part of the reason
i'm asexual
is because i'm so short
and i think that
when tall adult people
are attracted to me
it's kindof creepy, isn't it?
115 · Nov 2019
Untitled
winter Nov 2019
my friends i know don’t want me to stay
they can sense i feel the same way
in that i am unfit as a person
i do not want their help
& they do not want to help me
that’s how it’s still working
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