I can hear everyone in the back having a gay old time
So this wouldn't be the best time to lash out right now
but I cant help it tonight
I already lost my shoes somewhere in this wretched house
I wanna get out of this heavy dress
its scratchy and probably going to give me a rash later
strip away all the gold and pearls from my skin
Kick away the **** dress till its a heap of crumpled up material
expensive, useless and insignificant
Take off every **** bobby pin that's stuck to my scalp right now and chuck them on the floor till I am standing in the middle of a black pool of pins
Smash out all the twinkly lights till I can only hear my self breath in the dark
Sit and wait for some unknown but strong force to swallow me into the ground
take me underground to a new universe
one that I have only imagined maybe about 100 times in my dreams and absent mindedly continue to sketch in my many sketch books
I don't want to face these people anymore
their ugly grinning faces
the stupid photos
Smile and wave
but don't give the finger
Continue to pretend that I am thrilled to be hosting this **** party
to celebrate his success or something equally stupid
Being happy is too much work
Being happy for him is too much work
I would settle for indifferent tonight!

Wherever I go, and whatever I end up reading late at night always talk about a restful night of sleep
In order to
find yourself
feel better
overcome depression
be more productive
become rich
feel satisfied overall
Sleep plays a big role in this
But I am so behind
It seems like I have all the problems
Feeling lost
Depressed
Sluggish and unproductive
Poor and trapped
Pills don’t do the trick
Decorative pillows, comforters and imported sheets just take up space
White noise machines, rain and thunder as well as bubbles the cat have all failed
A new ambiance with the perfect shades, proper lighting and essential oils have already done its job
Sleeping masks and silken nightwear has been added to the list
Teddies and sleep inducing pillows just lie on the floor now
Your far away and never coming back

Where did I go wrong?

There was a time when I wished I could hate you for all the things that had happened between us
I really wanted to but wasn't sure how that would be possible
I gave you all the good things but you later cast them aside
so what was left?
Hatred, anger and resentment
Maybe this would have taken away some of the hurt
Maybe this would have forced me to think of something else other then you
But I shook my head and smiled when I felt like I was loosing
a sad kinda smile
I couldn't do it
because hatred would only taint the love I had for you
I was flawed both a person and as a lover
full of mistakes and errors
but loving you had seemed so right
The only part of me that was perhaps was not tainted at all

I Overslept!
Missed The Alarm
Out of cleanser
Forgot to hand in an assignment!
Late for an appointment
Out of milk and cheese
Favorite dress is at the Dry cleaners!
My shoe has a hole in it
I cannot find my pink binder
And I am out of passes for the bus!

Its only 10:00 Am
But I am already having a bad day
What else is suppose to wrong today?

Honestly didn't need this today
I present in the next 10 minutes about why this place needs a gym, and activities like spinning classes and more vegetarian options on the menu
No doubt they will be judging me right down to my shoes
Make up cannot fix this mess and I left my contact solution at home so I am stuck with black rimmed granny glasses
Confidence levels are seriously starting to dwindle
the box said non drowsy works in 20
but I don't know, I am starting to feel kinda funny
almost loopy
Ok 5 minutes to go
I am going to slowly count down to 100
my throat feels weird
but at least my eyes do not itch and nose isn't so red
Crap
somebody's already done
he's coming out and looks ghastly
all sweaty, kinda pale and hair sticking out in all directions
"Well then, you look like **** but good luck in the dragons den"
I cant believe I am suppose to see this guy later
charming my foot!

My hatred for you runs so deep my dear, that someone can choke on it

Maybe he is going to be like this
granted that he is older then me
I didn't think we would end up here
we were born in two different parts of the world
he from a middle class background
I happen to be above that
But no I am not the selfish rich brat the media and my aunts make out to be
I should point out that I am kind, down to earth, resourceful and trusting
He is smart, good looking, well spoken and generous in his ways
But very aloof and completely absent minded
not just during times of stress or commotion
But i am beginning to think that he will forever be like this
means well but jumbles up his words
needs peace and privacy but cannot say no to others
Nice but too obedient
shallow, and becoming increasingly stubborn these days
Men will always have the upper hand but he just happens to also be the oldest
I was born to an librarian with a lot of ancestral land
my daddy went up the ladder thanks to handwork and the right contacts
I cant say i hate him because i don't
I cant day he is a bad man because he really isn't
But there is a lot missing
talking to him has become painfully boring
we say only what needs to be said
Our routines are different
so different, that sometimes we don't see each other for months
which suits me just fine because I don't think that either one of us misses the other