You look tired and completely out of it, old friend
Your body is here but your mind elsewhere
I cannot tell what you are thinking right this minute
But I understand you were here on an assignment
To help a young but brave woman battle an untimely illness
To figure out what snatched her husband and only son on a cold night in 88
You remember him right?
you two were practically best buds in high school till you got early acceptance into the academy
Vowing to serve mankind and always make sure that justice was meted well among the poor and the restless
This could have not been easy for you
but maybe this part of the world proved to be too much for your eyes
The modern landscapes and technology
The bold lifestyle choices that are now available to the young peoples
The off putting language and mindset
You are still no good with words but I know you were mortified on seeing woman prance around with their little doggies in million dollar purses
Men showing of their briefs and pierced earlobes in the streets
Babies clinging more to their phones then pacifiers
I also know that you fell hard for a wine maker's daughter
Trinity
I don't think she was at the academy
Fine wine wont be enough to forget her assets
Go on talk to her while I wait

Everyone says being angry is pointless yet this is the easiest emotion to feel
Forgives is key
Repentance is good for the soul
Nothing good comes from making a hasty decision
Shooting the messenger
Using colourful language
flipping the finger and watching as everything hits the floor and the wall
Do not stew but vent
Its not good for the heart
even my doctor agrees
What does it matter anyway when my heart has shrunk 3 sizes
because of the same people who tell me to smile more often and not frown
Its not becoming on a woman
Count my blessing because for once I am not tarnishing anybody else's reputation with my life choices
the towns people have only recently stopped talking about me and my many mishaps from 2010 and onwards
Just to deal with the ugly cards life has dealt me because it is much easier and less costly then starting all over being happy on my own terms while everyone is busy leading their own lives
My unhappiness counts for nothing
my endless tears and frustration is never seen
my anger is never felt
The elders and the rest of the ******* seem to know what is best for me
Even though they will never get to be me
Face my fears
have my set of strengths and weaknesses
everyone feels the need to repeat themselves and point their fingers at me
one grave mistake is all it takes be invisible in this pathetic town
to be ignored
to be criticized forever
to be held accountable
To be told that you will amount to nothing so shut up and do what the pristine worldly people tell you to do
How much longer before this kills me
On the inside
I bet that they will all be there for my funeral many years away from now
sporting mourning clothes as well as the right face
feeling loss and pity for my family and everybody else
but no one will never admit that they had a hefty contribution in the steady decline of my mental health
They should have minded their own business instead of meddling with mine

She has that look in her eyes again
Its not a happy look
Its not like anything I have ever seen to be honest
She looks like she has given up on life
She looks at everything but no one has ever heard her speak
She is thin practically boney
Her hair is way too long
Her clothes short and shabby
Her fingers always shake
Almost never eats
I don’t know how long she was has been here for
I want to know more about her
I can tell she used to be really pretty
I know everyone else talks about her
In whispers
With stares and laughs
But I am too afraid to say hi
She just looks like she needs a friend
This place can get really lonely
And loneliness is a killer

I know I talk a lot
My job is to motivate
its to lift people up when they fall but want to stay down
But today I wont be talking
I hope you find this in time
….
It was all you
You were nice like a walk in the park or a picnic for two
You had no real bad habits like smoking, drinking, gambling, lying, cheating
Not that I would care much about that they complicate things
I have learnt to walk away from all that
I cannot tell you what to do with your life because you claim to be more experienced but still don't want to listen
You hated being told to grow up and change your ways for your own good mostly not mine
I know you will listen and remember my words only after I am gone
Why does it always have to be that way?
Why do we wake up only after everything falls to pieces
You can blame money, pedigree, degree, upbringing, past hurts, tradition, gender and everything else in the world for why you act the way you do
But it does not help me.
I do not always speak up but I can see past the *******
It wont change my mind either
Your toxic
You either change or I can do all the growing up

Look out the window and tell me what you see
The world Is not that great of a place to be in right now
People blindly trust the disbeliever and bash the one who always had his heart in the right place and thought of everyone else but himself
Education is still very important but kind of overrated
the things that should be taught in school are so much bigger then just a bunch of text books and handbooks that can be printed and bought from a store
Exams set you up for so much more then failure
People care but only about themselves
Fake friends have become more common that fake nails
It is cheaper to live off and mimic peoples ideas and innovations then to think own your own
people are too lazy to do that as well
Apple everything and robots do it for us now
It is easier to break things and watch them turn to dust then to rebuild and prosper
Words are have lost their meanings too
Reading is a luxury but emojis and abbreviations are a must
People will think I am crazy for writing this but it doesn't take an person with a Phd or plain old street smarts to figure out that we are all doomed
The world is truly going to ****

Don't forget to read the fine print the cheery looking barista warned me
I shrugged my shoulders and hurried away with my order
What fine print I wondered
You are not a criminal or a patient from an asylum
Rough around the edges
rowdy for sure given that your a cop
one of the finest according to my mom
But what could you have that is worth talking a second look
You read people for a living
You get rid of ****
Make the streets safer then the day before
You are the reason that children can come home to their moms
daughters do not go missing so often
boys stay at school instead of hanging around in abandoned malls, houses and parks
Her words continue to echo in my head tonight
I am trying to slice up peach cobbler and not my fingers
You are in the dining room charming away my parents with promises of always wanting to protect me
look out for me
and help me with my problems
But what about your own
Did you get divorced before
have anger problems that I should know about
An illicit affair with southern bombshell
Dope
too many DUIs to your name
A restriction order from 2009
Still pay child support

Ugh how do you even bring this up to a cop

For Love mother asked gently
For Fame little sister wanted to know
For Friendship dad guessed
For Money my husband scoffed
For Power friends concluded
For Revenge My bitter half gleefully asked
For the Touch of another an ex boyfriend whispered
For A Fix a con artist demanded
For An Escape my best friend inquired
For A Permeant Solution my head wondered
For One Last Yesterday the child in me screamed

No, no no, Just a huge slice of Ferrero Roche Cake made from chocolate mousse and hazelnut my stomach answered