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Ana Habib Aug 2019
The one who disturbs me in more ways I would like to admit to the world
To my own psychologist even
The one who disturbs my sleep
Real sleep, the kind with no dreams, or nightmares night after night
The one responsible for unexplained aches, full time confusion and a type of pain
I think it is in my head somewhere and refuses to subside
Pills, creams, therapy, potions, elixirs nothing has worked
I do not know how to keep quiet
I do not know how much longer I can continue to carry the weight of this mask
Scrape off the unhappiness and longing and replace it with a fresh smile every single day
Flutter these mascara filled lashes and look at what the world wants to me too see
But I don't really see it
You know what I mean?
It is just one act after another
You ****** away at my happiness
Every day without fail
When something good finally happens I end up feeling guilty
Like it should not be happening to me
You bask in my sadness and grief
You laugh at my frustration
You draw strength from my anger and bitterness
You tsk away at my sensitivity
You roll your eyes at my empathy

But you still refuse to go away
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Do not call again
I do not want to hear you voice
The same one you used to tell me that I was perfect
Perfect for you
The voice that yelled out « I hate you »
The voice that thretened and said « I do not want to see you again »
The voice that smirked, then smiled and said « I do not ever want to see you again »
The pity iin your voice is all fake
The remorse in your voice is a little to late
The hope in your voice has been practiced and perfect
The relief iin your voice is coming
There was never an « us »
Only « My this » and « My that »
Only « because I am a man »
Only « because i said so »
This only happened and got dragged out because it had always been one sided
I was only part of a nasty drunken truth or dare game
So lets get this over with a coin toss
Heads or Tails it’s still your loss
Ana Habib Aug 2019
The cure for a break up might be
Spending time with your buddies and working on retail therapy
Working on your body and eating right
Drinking it up and meeting new people
I am not saying that its wrong or that it doesn’t work
It does and that it doesn't because no two people break down, walk away or give up on a person in the same fashion
We all had our reasons

You will still face doubts about yourself and your abilities
You will still have trouble saying no to an opportunity, friends and families
Then feeling guilty right after you have said it because all you want right now is to spend time with your self your thoughts and do all it takes to feel stable again
It will get lonely
You will feel sad and depressed on some days
There will be triggers and flashbacks
You will torture yourself with the What if game
Don't sweat it, some questions do not have an answer
There is nothing below right after you have scratched away the ****** surface
You will get upset multiple times in day
Go into denial
Wish that all that love you gave away, comes back to you
All that wasted time, energy and emotion that you did not think you had in yourself
I know it weights heavily on the heart and the mind

The trick to being normal again
To finding yourself again
Is to fall in love with more then one thing, not at the same time but gradually
Really fall in love with it
Bring out passion, optimism hope and hard work
The same things that are poured into a relationship
They could not have been all that bad if they taught you something(s)
About yourself or your body
What you deserve and what you do not need
Where your strengths lie
How to strengthen those weaknesses
You were able to rise above it all
Ultimately all on your own
So always keep your chin up
Otherwise that smile is going to be crooked
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Whats the matter
Why do you look so sad?
Isn't this is what you've always wanted
isn't this what you've always talked about
Suit and Tie
Shaking hands with the big people
Smiling and the charming the people who you don't really care about
9:00 meeting
Perky PA's
handsome salary and little to no over time
so you could go home to her just in time
to celebrate anniversaries and have fun on Friday nights
Winding down after a long and stressful day
long drives and roses in the backstreet
Swimming in the moonlight
You've got it all now

So why the long face
How does it feel to be at the top
Does it ever get lonely?
I bet your busy with this and that
But when the night comes to a close
she is lying right next to you
Do you ever think of me

How does it feel to have everything in your palms now
but know that you will never be close enough to hold me
Kiss the nape of my neck
and tell me that you love me
Ana Habib Aug 2019
I have way too many moods to list
today, however I can tell you exactly how I feel
The sun is out but my thoughts are cloudy
The sky is clear but I want to cry
The flowers are in a bloom but all I want to do is hide
the view from my window, looks perfect
A mirror of happiness and glee but all I want to do is break it and watch as all the pieces shatter and fall to my feet
Everything is so neat and tidy, I wanna change that
The plates and silver are out for display
I want to smash all the plates and watch as the all the forks and knives fly into the celling and stay there
That ugly ancestral flower vase is my face again
I think it should have been buried with my dead grandmother
The mean one ofcourse
But I will do no such thing because the peoples are coming!
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Now I don't believe in genies
I don't blow on candles
Look for dandelions
Or throw pennies into wishing wells
But I do wish for some things
I wish I was smarter
I wish I was prettier
I wish I was skinner
I wish I was clever
I wish I was good with numbers and statistics
I wish I was musically gifted
I wish I was genius with food
I wish I more organized and resourceful
I wish I didn’t love so much
I wish I didn’t care so much
I wish I didn’t feel so much
I wish I didn’t have to hurt so much
I Just wish I had been enough for him
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Details are so important
But we are usually too much in a rush to even care
We only want to look at the big picture
Profit or Loss
Good or Bad
Nice or Mean
Lust or Commitment
It all comes down to two choices
To succeed or to fail
to work things out or abandon it
But no one cares about the details
her favorite flower
His choice of coffee brew
The significance of lemon scented aftershave
what july 25 may mean to someone
sapphire birthstones
white roses
purple balloons
Hershey kisses
The details are endless but usually mean something
Why do we only pay attention to then when the end is near
when words become scarce
Why do we take such comfort in the meaning of things
when the story is over
when a loved one has already departed
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