Blackness covers
my body so weak
a restless mind
blank inside
with fear beside me, I’m full of doubt

where is my sunshine
my guiding light
to love and protect
against the demons at night

You cannot love in anger
an open heart is a forgiving one
God teaches in quiet whispers
and when we are willing to listen
we learn

Don’t get lost in judgement
it keeps you from your truth
Have you ever looked in the mirror
and felt your soul looking back on you?


December 19, 2011

I stand before you
Naked
stripped of everything
you have ever said,
done,
thought,
of me
Your ugly words
harsh judgements
devastating critiques
misdirected Anger
lingering sadness
those bitter tears
of undeniable
disappointment
Idle.
A ***** drift
of soot
bury my feet
So I weep
I weep for you
for me
for Us
and for the world of endless
Sufferers................................................­......
and watch in awe
as the raging river
washes away
Our past
Present
our future
Gone
by dawn,
Love.
A flood - your life
Faded away
My life
Sharply focused
I stand before you
Seeing myself
For the very first
Time
stood still
basking naked
in the vastness
of my Truth
When
through the whispering
winds
prolonged echoes                  D
of Freedom                         E
christened me               R
and                           A          
I                           O
                        S

Wisdom whispers
In the aftermath
As calm greets the storm
And anger takes its seat

Wisdom whispers
In the dead of night
As I cross against a flashing light
And moonlight fills my eyes

Wisdom whispers
In the reflection
As time stands still
And my soul begins to speak

Wisdom whispers
In the break of dawn
As rays give birth to awareness
And adversity has lost its place

In two dead eyes she gazes
reflecting back the ugly stranger
whose scars and inner bruising’s
cast the essence of a failure

She quickly turns the lights to black
and glares back at the image
but even in the dead of night
she sees the naked hostage

Bound and gagged by cruelty
With no tools to set her free
She begs and pleads the stranger
Let her go just let her be

In denial of self-infliction
and a prisoner of her past
she can’t escape the profile
that the mirror’s reflection casts

Grasping fingertips
clutch stagnant air
I am desperately searching
while you remain everywhere

The space between the trees breathes with me
it is me, I am it
The vastness holding the sky is alive
it speaks to me with wordless truths
and I with it
we are One
a blissful peace becomes the stillness as it desires nothing that I have
while beckoning all that I am
I am home

She is born of uncertainty
an activist for change
She's the path and the destination
desired outcomes she obtains

She won't appear through wishful thinking
nor the desperation of prayer
She's not fulfilled through lack
you won’t ever find her there

She's a healer of the deepest wounds
penetrates the open mind
With trust as her foundation
She holds the ability to unbind

Captured in a glimmer
and ignited by a spark
Subtle ripples like a current
through her ever beating heart

She's a gentle breeze tickling the trees
the waves caressing the shore
She partners with the rising sun
an intention to be restored

So the next time crisis looms
and life is filled with despair
Extend a hand to Hope
she always has change to spare

You are appreciation, kindness, sincere
Your whispers of love ring loud and clear

Angels sing softly by your side
Protecting and guiding you with pride

You are precious to more than those you see
You are a gift from heaven, a priceless piece

So rest your body and calm your mind
Take moments to reflect then leave them behind

Look to the present to guide you to
Friends and Family who love and cherish you

September 22, 2013

I dipped my toes into her ocean and was completely swept away

One who loves with conditions will never be unconditionally loved

She slipped in quietly
through the back door
the dead of night carrying a silence
she’d never heard before

Even with the rustling of wind
through the trees
its stillness halted everything
including her desire to breathe

A sudden rapture grasped her heart
like a long lost lover
unraveling into its arms
she became one with the other

Out through the front door
at the first light of dawn
she left the keys to certainty
with the comforts of home

I witnessed magic today
Saw them gather round
as sparkles of light
fell down
from beyond this realm
and intentions gave way
from a thousand miles away

Body glistening
from the inside out
plugged in to source
as above so below
I witnessed your soul
embrace the angel's way
from a thousand miles away

I felt deeply
this state of being
you, vibrant and gleaming
and at Love's command
they took your hand
and miracles gave way
from a thousand miles away

Your footprints washed off
the shore today
It was just like you to go away
I never agreed to you leaving me
Drifting in oceans beneath the sea

You know me
I won't ask why
You spread your wings
To soar the endless skies

As you dance with sparkles
Beyond the stars
I hold dear the memories
And release the scars

I am in denial
of this untouchable pain
I cannot heal
Where does tenderness go
when I am not enough?
as shards of shame
pieces of this shattered soul
collect themselves in my fascia
intertwining misery around bones
and dulling my light
with their dense shadows

A collection of masks
hang neatly behind my closet door
ready to cover up vulnerability
willing to wage war
aloof, pretty, **** and sweet,
being more than enough to all I meet
rebellious, witty, charming and mean
willing to do anything
not to be seen
I’ve worn them all
they’ve all worn me out

I must be ready to heal
surrender to uncertainty
be willing to feel
nourish emotional pain
with compassion to be real
to give vulnerability
centre stage
and free my tenderness
from its desolate cage
it’s only when I unmask the concealed
will this shattered soul finally heal

Court is now in session
With gavel in hand
We are the Jury
And justice we demand

No you cannot plead your case
We’ve heard it all before
We find you guilty on all accounts
and sentence you once more

Your life hangs in the balance
What punishment will you receive?
We the judges;  the all mighty
Won’t offer you reprieve

We are far from perfect
But won’t ever let you know
Why we turn a blind eye
To the persecution we bestow

Judgment is a reflection
of the punishers’ history
and the condemnation
appointed by their own jury

It is all so wry
And plain to see
We the Jury are the punished
And these prisoners will never set you free

Negative thoughts
Lavish with shame
Guilt has my number
Calls me by name

My mind the gatherer
Of failure and faults
Taking pride in her kingdom
She's the queen of assault

With fear by her side
And esteem feeling low
She brings me to my knees
With a single blow

Judgement steps in
When I'm down and out
Her mirror reflects
my pain and self doubt

Worry's a warrior
Not an ally of mine
Slow and methodical
She will **** me over time

A silver lining
crosses an endless horizon
deep silence echoes
over a waveless shore
I inhale the stillness
and it breathlessly welcomes me
wandering leisurely
into the stream
adrift in oceanless tides
beyond the boundless edges
escaping time
the voiceless in everything
whispers to me
“you are the threading of this tapestry
unveil its serenity”
and the verity of love
became me

Her easterly side
lies barren and marred
A persistent reminder
of deeply wounding scars

I feel her conviction
to never let herself grow
attesting to the impact
that a love lost bestows

To those who don’t know her
she appears vibrant and pristine
Hidden within layering branches
the pain of separation unseen

But I know her sorrow
we are connected through pain
The evergreen and this woman
wear the residue of love’s stain

Can I undress this torment
With a lingering, sultry intent?
****** her till she's lusted
Run like hell once I am naked

Turning on my witty charm
I take her swiftly by the arm
Looking deep into those eyes
Until she reveals every filthy lie

I will come across as flirty
Lick my lips while talking *****
A tongue lashing may do it
If not I'll storm the cockpit

I'm not afraid to turn this trick
In order to be free of this
Some may call me cheap
Others know I go too deep

She dips her toes into the shallows
and watches apathetically
as her form migrates
with the current
forever washed out to sea
drowned is the concept
of who she had to be

The moon shines into desert eyes
as she walks midnight back to dawn
grains trickledown the hourglass
yet time remains loyal
to the presence within
a blank canvas to the light
as dawn paints her crimson

Across space
beyond time
now extends itself
inviting stillness to speak
of divine love, joy and peace
here she becomes the image of clarity
and honours the art of authenticity

We tread within the depths
of a tumultuous sea
Sometimes against the current
fully aware we cannot see

Each wave tediously drains our spirit
but know the tide will soon retreat
where the vastness of abundance
will ground our weary feet

It isn’t churning within an ocean
where our purpose has meaning
It is reflective contemplation
when our wisdom takes the lead

Forever adrift in uncharted waters
not meant to be confined
attuning to the circle of life
we transform soul, body, mind

Golden leaves linger
on veiled branches
frantic for one last dance

Summer’s spirited wind indulges
conscious their season of romance
is reaching it’s end

Soulfully embracing beyond the sun’s peak
a long goodbye to a faithful friend
they gracefully sway into twilight

The sorrowful slowly gather
blanketing soil in daylight
Lifeless yet vibrantly alive

Naked branches expose their pain
as Autumn’s rawness arrives
the wisdom of love remains

The wind by it’s breath
renders me breathless.

The underlying peace within and beyond
all experience follows me here.

It beckons my attention to rest in the bliss of stillness through which this exquisite moment remains endless

She rests in grainy white sand
the sun glistening on her winter skin
warm waves caress bare legs
her breathe in rhythmic perfection
as the ocean’s harmonies
greet the silence of land

Her eyes match the bluest of skies
she gazes into its blissful abyss
welcoming the sanctuary
of ancient and timeless wisdom
as peripheral vision fades away
so do lifetimes of dead lies

Gratitude adorns the soles of her feet
and she rises from lifetimes of pain
each step away from the past
invites a deeper sense of ease
as she walks into the present
love is what she does to feel complete

I slouch amongst the weariness
this broken heart in toe
Soaking in burdens I am the witness
to a landscape drenched in dreariness

I trudge toward the warpath
to familiar stones I cast
Loyal soldiers heed my sudden wrath
the mighty victors of the bloodbath

A prisoner inside this open cage
I still cannot escape
Freedom beckons in so many ways
but I'm accustomed to the craze

I have risen
amidst the skipping beats
of this weary heart
blood, sweat and tears still dripping
trust is the fire I have been missing

Faith in my light to guide me home
I shimmer to the composition
of my heart’s song
the cure to my soul sickness
I heal in its harmonic richness

Open, wakeful and free
my body grounded, my soul at ease
the joy of everything invites me in
giving rise to tenderness
and the Love within

I am left to bathe in the residue of your cruelty
scrubbing every festering wound
to the bone
but your scent lingers like a thousand deaths
and I can’t wash away this ugliness
I am rotting in your filthy essence
Alone in this bloodbath
infected with the incurable disease
of hatred

This restless leg
Begins to twitch
I’m starting to crawl
I feel the itch

My mind is busy
With endless chatter
I can’t figure out
What is the matter

I soon will pull
My hair all out
I’m starting to tantrum
Past grin’s a pout

Anger begins
This bloods a boil
Chemicals surge
In my state of turmoil

What will I do
I cannot think
Panic sets in
I’m on the brink

Airway cuts off
I cannot breathe
This rooms’ getting dark
God help me please

Heart skips a beat
Then two then three
I’m pretty sure
This is the end for me

I cry out for help
There’s no one in sight
Where is my savior
My prince charming, my knight?

Who are you kidding
I hear with a snicker
You don’t want to be saved
You’re always a quitter

I know that voice
It sounds familiar
A childhood friend
A permanent fixture

******* FEAR!
You don’t have a right
To mess with my mind
And take over my life

A second later
My lungs fill with air
My heart finds it’s rhythm
I’m no longer impaired

her infinite wisdom is implied
throughout
a cloudless winter sky
playful winds
dancing with glee
high atop
a swaying maple tree
lone bird subsists
on January branches
warm sun melting snow
the glistening enhances
glittery white diamonds
in amongst the trees
the poetic beauty of nature
speaking to me

I have walked with shadows
let them lead the way
Believing their chains and shackles
were keeping me safe

The scars have faded
The bruises all healed
Now I face the regrets
with my back to the battlefield

I am a child of war
the domestic kind
I know how to survive
and keep my needs confined

I am a soldier, a caregiver
I’ll put your needs before mine
I have sacrificed myself
for the superior bloodline

But a hierarchical system
is not for me
I have the right to freedom
and equality

Though I struggle with belonging
and what I prefer
I will chose to be alone
than battle for survival in another war

So I walk with courage
and strength by my side
Knowing their liberties
bring peace with each stride

In light of this wakeful hour
the newly breaking dawn acknowledge the beasts
of burden inside

conspiring, their taunting jabs
pierce the fractured mind
unleashing the raging
fear inside

The choice is yours
A warrior stance
Golden chainmail
unyielding conviction

Inside illusions
amidst the darkness
The parasites penetrate
your amnesiac corpse

Unconsciousness breeds
obscurity as
Ignorance leads the disease
And apathy opposes interest
While judgement honours hate
And entitlement claims the mind

Encrypted codes lie dormant
Until the light bleeds in
A catalyst for the memory
Of universal motive

The time to eradicate fear is now
Employ, perceive and be Love;  
sit with compassion
Reflect around empathy
embrace kindness
breathe with acceptance

A peaceful heart
In the eye of the storm
breaks the cycle of fear
And so it begins again

Lie down gently upon the last
of the summer’s sweet grass
and quench your thirst for beauty
upon which each moment drifts further
into a cloudless sky
while yellow leaves dance in periphery
to the harmony of Fall
breathe slowly and deeply
welcoming the fragrances
as they playfully invigorate your senses
just be in this placeless place
listening as time stops ticking
where stillness prevails
all other sounds they are like waves
sinking silently into the depths
of its bottomless sea
become the vastness now
and close your eyes
know yourself as the last
of the summer’s sweet grass
and that cloudless sky
those yellow leaves dancing
to the harmony of Fall
you are the harmony and
the fragrances invigorating your senses
you are the breath
from which the winter wind blows
existing as everything
defined by nothing at all

You’ve woven the deepest of sorrows
neatly into my seams
and I hang by a thread
tattered and stained

Stripped completely naked
Your foul waters filled the womb
I let you seep into my bones
My magnificence selfishly consumed

Feeling irreparably broken
For much of my life
You said I was never good enough
and I believed every cruel lie

I spend too much time gazing
out the window with despair
The Chief who lives in the Evergreen
perceives my need for repair

Hope does not rise
with the morning sun
So I seek solace in the stars
a fleeting distraction

How do I unleash
your merciless grip?
While the insecurity you created
tightens the noose around my neck

Déjà vu directs us
As the ghostwriter depicts us
Beholden to their feelings
The movie keeps us reeling

Brought to familiar places
With familiar looking faces
Queasy churns my stomach
While logic runs amuck

I know she has connections
To the writer of the scenes
Recalling intimate details
Before they hit the screen

Memories I can't recall
Though a knowingness of it all
Emerging in fragmented facts
The mind unleashed, extracts

beneath the anguish of sorrow
within the resistance to hope
I let go
into the sigh of surrender
where a tenderness washes over
this wounded heart
whispers of love
emerge through its cracks
crowding the silence,
filling the emptiness
and subtly piercing the dark

Looking into your eyes I wondered
where have you gone?
How long have you been missing?
and when did everything go so terribly wrong?

A little girl so vibrant and free
was taught to hate herself
to never be seen

The light inside grew dimmer and dimmer
she searched within her soul
took glimpses but never saw a glimmer

Hope was false for all those years
until one day she refused to stay
wiped away her tears
and chose to walk away

Pleasing others, losing herself
it was time to gather courage
dust her soul off
and remove it from the shelf

It hasn’t been easy finding her way
sometimes the terror of leaving
made her want to stay

Grief and sorrow are easy to swallow
when you need to survive
so she let them rise
and made a wish to thrive

I never imagined how alone she would be
at the end of suffering
she’s beginning her life
belonging to the only one who’s ever truly mattered
me

The soulful sounds
of a rhythmic heart
expanding its resonance
without judgment,
without fearing rejection
without earthly limitations,
embodies the infinite essence
of Life itself

I wept an ocean of tears and left you in the depths of sorrow

How dare you bully me into giving away a piece of myself!!
I.was.ten.years.old.
10
How dare you expose yourself in front of me!!
No.Self.Control.
How dare you steal my innocence without a second thought!!
your.one.track.mind.
How dare you use me against myself!!
my.low.self.esteem.
How dare you ask me to put that in my mouth!!
you.disgust.me.
How dare you!
no.self.respect.
How dare you!
you.changed.me.forever.
How dare you!

I placed all my worthiness
into your nurturing hands
and you cared for me
seemingly unconditionally
so I believed you only wanted
the very best for me
until I knew you didn’t
I grieve many losses
but there’s one in particular
within its cervical grooves
that I am deeply entrenched
tugging on my heartstrings
is this yearning to heal
but I’m trapped inside the core
of every infected cell
with the incurable
mother wound

My words are so protected
terrified to lose themselves
in others misunderstandings

So I battle for the cure
of their never ending war
in amongst the trenches

As they lie dormant inside
awaiting the perfect moment
and the safest place to escape

Overcome by numbness
and the inability to speak
I reek of battlefield sorrows

Their grave misunderstandings
cut deeply into my core
and I uncontrollably bleed the truth

My words unravel in a fury
valiantly staking their claim
to never lie dormant again

She rests in grainy white sand
the sun glistening on her winter skin
warm waves caress her legs
her breathe in rhythmic perfection
as the ocean’s harmonies
greet the silence of land

She’s crying on the stairs again
it may be the loneliness
I don’t ever ask
I know she won’t answer

She keeps to herself these days
sleep her sanctuary
I don’t often wake her
I think she needs the rest

Most days I feel guilty
she needs more than I give
and I often ponder
how much longer will she live

Her mom left on August 8th
Heaven called her home again
she weeps in silence
in the still of night, alone again

I can’t help but wonder
what words do escape
as her lips gentle quiver
and tears soak her face

Were you truly prepared
At the age of twenty-three
to bring your first born into the world
and unconditionally love me?

You said I was a mistake.
But is that really the truth?

Did you know whom he was
when you two first met?
That he would never meet your needs
and you would settle for that?

You said he was rebellious.
So why did you commit?

Were you over your head
when your son made three?
Did you contemplate leaving
before he slept with Sherry?

You said he wasn’t trustworthy.
So why did you stay?

What made you decide
it was for the best
to alienate my daddy
and keep me oppressed?

You said he didn’t love us.
But did he really say that?

When did manipulation
become such a tool?
And why are you so selfish?
What happened to you?

You said you had a good childhood.
But who didn’t nurture you?

Was the little girl adored
cherished and blessed?
Or did terror control you
through your dad and his fists?

You said he was a professional boxer.
Was it gloves off outside the ring?

Was she truly prepared
flying thousands of miles away?
She left a loving family
Did she know the price she would pay?

You said she struggled everyday.
Why did Grandpa abandon her, why didn’t he stay?

Why were you often so out of control?
Yelling and hitting us so much
Do you know how terrifying that was?
Were you really so unhappy with us?

You said you did your best.
Did you know that wasn’t good enough?

Who tore the love
from your little girl’s heart?
Who stole your innocence
and blackened your heart?

You said your memory was bad.
Did you bury the answers deep inside?

Why did you see me
as a caregiver to you?
At five years old
I wouldn’t have known what to do

You said I was your confidante.
Will you ever know the damage you’ve done?

Do you long for acceptance
like I do every day?
Will you ever understand
why I had to walk away?

I know you remain a child of war.
So will I ever stop expecting you to love me more?

There is infinite peace
in the blackness of morn
Contemplating myself in solitude
waiting for light to explode the dawn

My hopeful heart yearning
for the inspiration of today
to spill into my bones
keeping the mundane at bay

Light illuminates the shadows
and the dullness of these four walls
Temporal boundaries crush my wings
and once again my spirit falls

Out of the celestial blue sky
plunging into the blackest of seas
With desperation I scream
but there’s no one to rescue me

The subtle cruelties of this world
are not for the faint of heart
Protect yourself at all cost
for it will casually rip you apart

Who am I that I love a muse?
Composing verse
by light of the moon

Who am I that I cherish the morn?
Inhaling hope from the stillness
of a new dawn

Who am I that I talk to trees?
Embracing their trunks
to connect our energies

Who am I that I adore the blossoms?
Delighting in their beauty
as my hardened heart softens

Who am I that I face adversity?
Weathering each storm
with emotional security

Who am I that I walk with courage?
Stepping into the darkness
knowing through it I will flourish

Who am I draped in compassion?
Driven to abolish suffering
for unity consciousness expansion

Who am I that I display affection?
Care and consideration of others
with the greatest of intentions

Who am I that I yearn to know?
My connection to the universe
and purpose in its flow

Who am I that I suffer alone?
In the depths of ego
I remain disconnected from the whole

Who am I when I accept my identity?
One soul attuned to the richness of life
committing to serenity

I will meet you at the table
even pull out your chair
invite you home for a while
to feel the depth of my care

I will pour my heart into your cup
in hopes of quenching your thirst
feed your soul with my love
to satiate your search

I will nourish your desires
by filling your plate
with a delectable closeness
never forcing you to eat

I will listen as you serve me
what you’re willing to share
even if it’s how I’ve hurt you
I’m willing to swallow my share

I will sit with your anger
and the sorrow underneath
the cloth may hide the table
but the scars remain beneath

I will stand when you stand
wishing you would pull me in close
invite you to stay
tell you this heart is yours

I will meet you at the table
but I won’t sit here alone again
hoping you will join me
while starving for the war between us to end

You preach about acceptance
Do you even know what it means?
It’s not about the false pretense
Or silent discrimination

It lacks the room for ego
Or to justify your authority
Acceptance dignifies the obligation
To brand us all as equal

It holds no place for gossip
With a friend or sibling too
Breeders of hate can’t collaborate
When acceptance owns the room

You pick apart my perfections
With your elusive expectations
Acceptance perfects the blemish
By upholding my existence

The expression of my feelings
Or the thoughts that I may have
Aren’t there for you to critique upon
Or use for future extortion

You may just throw this back at me
To practice what I preach
I can say I’m not always accepting
But at least you’re all aware  

So do not profess
To fully accept
All that encompasses Me
When judgment is all you bear

I devoured it
every last morsel
your beliefs and concepts
the distorted images and judgements
you baked, I ate
knowing they were the only meals
I would ever get from you
I gorged on your infection

Years would pass
before my stomach began to churn
poisoned by your scanty rations
the thought of another mouthful
was more than I could bear
You tried spoon feeding me
But I choked on every toxic ingredient
you blended into my existence

Not so long ago I found someone
who knew exactly what I was craving
she dishes out compassion
bowls full of the sweetest of truths
I consumed platefuls of her love
until I satiated my starving soul
and devoured every last morsel
as she taught me to nourish myself

Today I tend my fruitful oasis
planting bountiful seeds of intention
appetizers of love I serve myself
with impeccable kindness
followed by self-respect; a favourite ingredient in all my main courses
and the toppings on my dessert
generous sprinkles of serenity and awe