I let myself down most days
feeling inadequate in most ways
so love doesn’t always flow freely
from this wakeful soul
sometimes my heart skips beats
unbalanced by the weight of sorrow
this unresolved grief tips the scales
and this misery bleeds heavily
through my veins like lead
shame and judgement collide
stirring up the fear inside
and from this cloudy mind
I wonder why
I chose the burden
of this Lifetime

You cracked my crystal vision
Temporary blindness has set in
This scapegoat meets my profile
we share the same name

The battle’s just beginning
With an end you won’t be expecting
Your swords and daggers won’t protect u
from the power that’s within me

The light shines down upon me
I have angels there to guide me
through the darkness that confines you
truth will lead the way

So if you must seek shelter
from the light & all it’s glory
I won’t judge the path you’re choosing
Just know I can’t be with you

This does not mean I won’t feel sadness
as I watch your shadows fade
down the path God did not intend for me
a different journey I will embrace


February 18, 2012

When the cold winds blow
when summer leaves die and fall
I am reminded how much I miss you
and how living without you has taken its toll

It’s the day before your passing
yes, two years ago
I’ve contemplated your last hours
hoping you didn’t suffer at all

I’m grateful we reconnected
in September before your passing
I would never have left you
if I had known this was going to happen

Two souls connected
in many lifetimes now past
Our love is deeply rooted
but in this one, not meant to last

In the blink of an eye
a void filled my soul
and I regret never getting to tell you
how your spirit made me feel whole

Your sudden death made me see
the true beauty of your essence
I took your role in my life for granted
and now long to feel your presence

It is in the depths of grief
that I continue to be shown
all the ways in which you loved me
now the burden is mine and mine alone

Be the gentle ripples
guiding the tidal waves
of change

She walked back in
into the Lions Den
an undeniable fierceness
raging within

She had awakened
a beast so savagely wild
but it was no surprise
to the memory of this child

Though it’s presence was felt
fear was not her concern
She had tamed that beast
every scar they had earned

She took one step forward
it was two steps back
a bold move to bait the devil
anticipating the attack

She led with courage
dropping the armour of her past
the potential risk to survival
would be her greatest conquest

Finally, there was no epic battle
this time, no need to run
One step back in to the lions den
the war had already been won

Bullies have no power
when you realize your worth
so feed your self compassion
and commit to loving yourself first

I gaze in awe
as black branches paint themselves
onto a sleepy skyline
haunting the stillness of morn
they stretch at the gesture of light
shadows yearning to linger
across drifts of delicate snow
I contemplate the illusion
upon my own reflection
and regret storing your love in escrow

The poets arrive
Through the windows of life
Dancing on words
And surfing the light
While fragments of dust
Escape into night

Can you hear the whispers
Of the world outside?
Feel the breeze of the wind
As you drift with the tide

Magic at midnight
Is close at hand
As words of wisdom
Now transcend

The soul has power
The mind its' muse
Belief or blasphemy
Which will you choose?

August 21, 2013

Become not the longing to be seen
but the scene itself

She’s locked herself up again
Despite his lies and her own truth
She finds herself back at the beginning
Shackled

Desperate to fill the void
As loneliness stabs at the open wound
Penetrating deep into her soul
Where the damage can be found

She keeps that hidden and locked away
The pain it reveals is beyond compare
She’ll choose to be mistreated
Anything to steer clear of there

The child longing to be accepted
Who cannot accept herself
Is consciously blind to their deception
And true love displaying itself

A heart still broken
A thousand pieces longing to mend
She covers herself in flypaper
And is insulted as the infection sets in

She’s hidden the keys again
Despite the burden she carries
She’ll suffer into the next end
Shackled

I wept
for the abandoned child
imprisoned by years of neglect
until I found myself
cradled in the arms of forgiveness

Tender-eyed she gazed upon me
with endless compassion
and gently, unconditionally
weaved her love inside of
my locomotive mind

Ten thousand tremors subside
into a sea of blissful consciousness
My body surrenders its anguish
and I abide in the grace
of self acceptance

I weep
as my soul emerges
like first light on a snow capped peak
highlighting the clouds of oppression,
illuminating the beauty of my existence

It’s less than an hour
before you’ll be done
but I wonder what time
you’ll really be home

This house is quiet
everyone is asleep
I’m tortured by silence
and the company I keep

This gum is stale
my jaw is sore
there’s a purring *****
taunting me like a *****

She’s a flirt; she’s a tease
She smells sweeter than candy
this green eyed monster
she sure is dandy

but don’t be deceived
by her charm and ease
this cat will surely skin you
if you forget her pate and cheese

I took a page
Straight out of your book
It was torn, frayed, shapeless
Wreaking of empty promises

I took a page
Straightened out the creases
It was incongruent, pliable, shameful
Weakened by exaggerated script

I took a page
And cast it straight back
It was misleading, trite, shabby
Words soiled in enabling deceit

I took a page
Straight from humility
It was embracing, modest, shameless
Welcoming unity with exceptional grace

I took your page
And read between the lines
It was intricate, rooted , shackled
Waiting to be implied

You pulled me in
then pushed me away
you say it’s for my own good
so I don’t tell you I really want to stay

I know you are not cruel
or desire to hurt me in any way
but you left me in a void of uncertainty
and I’m struggling to keep my feelings at bay

My higher self is confident
knowing I will get by on my own
but my ego remains somewhat fragile
believing she will perish if left alone

I find myself creating stories
about how this is affecting you
whether my absence has an impact
or if my ideals of truth were ever true

I am driving myself crazy
asking questions, not knowing why
you opened the door then closed it
and didn’t give me time to say goodbye

I won’t express my feelings
it’s not the time nor the place
see you’ve come to me a teacher
don’t want you realizing sorrow crowds my face

Brittle are the bones
Stricken with the dis ease
Of the mind
So as the desolate land
Encompass the bitter winds

Hardened are the hearts
Beating with the fear
Of exclusion
Bait to the darkness
Flock the evil tribes

Blind are the eyes
Impaired by the vision
Of I versus we
As the journey of the soul
Is separate to the feat

Wicked is the weakness
That embodies us all
Of inability
Like death to the flesh
In a ground covered hole

I seek to finally uncover
The truth that’s deeply hidden
Still the shadows and the darkness
Leave me sick; I am disease-ridden

In a place of utter misfortune
My mind is not at ease
The past she leaves me burdened
Unable to truly grieve

Crocked are the pathways
Through this journey I do stumble
Over judgments and harsh labels
Wrapped in constant turmoil

They say adversity gives birth to wisdom
An open heart will set me free
Perhaps I lack in vulnerability
Or am just too blind to see

There are lies in the words
that scatter these pages
I want to be viewed as a poet
but creativity only flows with certain phrases

There lies a victim
in-between these lines
she misconstrues my conflict
and unravels my rhymes

Hidden agendas
to manipulate and deceive
wanting the reader
to identify with me

My attempts to impress
with beauty and grace
receive passerby glances
and a pie in my face

Backfiring motives
a shot through the heart
critique, the smoking gun
my ego blown apart

Although I have failed
I haven’t given up hope
there’s a victor pending
and it’s gonna be dope

“Can u see me?” I wondered
As I followed your gaze
This seeker of validation
required acceptance and praise

I would lash out in anger
or be innocent and sweet
Whatever got me noticed
I aimed to please

My tears were never good enough
my sadness out of place
Not allowed to express my feelings
as fear and anguish blemished my face

When the energy began to build
I learned to scream and shout
It was the only way I knew
I could get my feelings out

A child craving acceptance
in a jail cell I called home
I longed to be acknowledged
where I always felt alone

A quarter century later
I have set myself free
The jailer was found guilty
the judge and jury destined to be me

Consumer advertising
To politically advising
This world is overwhelming
I'll buy a do-over if you're selling?

Organic or GMO
Import vs locally grown
Is impeachment on the table?
Broken laws beat mentally unstable

Build a wall vs a helping hand
Acceptance vs Muslim bans
Deflate your country's dollar
vs an economic leader

Opinions vs Feelings
Healthcare system vs blackmarket dealings
Deregulation
All equal a crumbling nation

I don't typically spend my time
Getting lost in sludge & slime
With humanity at stake
Can't help but commiserate

Bathe in the infinite waves
of stillness
linger here with no time
as no thing
be as you are intended;
the expansion of everything
the image of nothing

The child
Uncovered deep inside
She cries
Layers of open wounds
Fester beneath
Blanketed memories kept
HIDDEN

A mother
Lost in circumstance
Fear attacks love at all cost
She won’t compromise
Her need for security
Over the needs of the child
INSIDE

I am the mother
I am the child
Same vision
Two views
I am the parasite
I am the product
THE UGLY TRUTH

Years of torture
Without knowing why
Answers bubble to the surface
And down I spiral
Through the rabbit's hole
In darkness and despair
I SEEK TO FIND

There I am
She is what they see
Through eyes like mine
As the child they be
Fear induced patterns
Without security without
LOVE

A boy sits alone
cornered by the conflict
darkness pervades the room
silence cradles his crying

A mother sits alone
in the corners of her mind
darkness pervades her life
silence cradles her crying

Together they sit alone
in silence
waiting for the light to pervade
their darkness

We forget, lured into the confines
of this human condition
Lost in the dream
unable to listen

While the subtle truths
beckon softly to our soul
amnesia disconnects us
from making our way home

Blinded by separation
we lead with the mind
Intelligence may be ****
but won’t unravel the ties that bind

There’s a captivating truth
unlock its door, we hold the key
Composed within our hearts
patiently waiting to set us free

I am the ever-changing sound which beckons me to listen

Darkness now covers
Where  lightness has been
This train has derailed
I’m stuck once again

With worry and fear
No wisdom within
A prisoner in this railcar
The walls closing in

With judgement of self
Leading the way
Punitive pain
Leads her astray

The damage extensive
She may not be saved
Demons encompass
Her mind Enslaved

A window of hope
If only she could see
Love is waiting
To set her free

I am a caged butterfly
within a sea of wildflowers

I can’t escape the tides
That wash away the silence
As each grain tumbles
With every crashing wave
I close in on the shore

The truth claims my voice
Epiphanies envelope my mind
Like gale force winds
Churning the endless sea
I close in on the shore

Through the eye of the storm
I am reborn
Of strength and of courage
With a new found vision
I close in on the shore

I have awakened to the Cosmic call
Every ripple affect a download
Each wave removing debris
With the embodiment that is me
I rest upon the shore

Sixty-three years ago today
A beautiful soul emerged with grace
She made her way along side four young men
The building block for her strength within

Pahl's the name she carries with pride
A diamond in the rough country side
No ordinary girl was she
Pet badger to protect her, no one could compete

Though struggle she did to make ends meet
She kept digging in, wouldn't cater to defeat
Resilient, independent she made her way
Raising three small children couldn't get more brave

So stop for a moment and take it all in
There's wisdom, perseverance and courage within
Let nothing discourage from chasing your dreams

I believe in you
And all that you are
Your sixty-three years is just a start
I celebrate you with love in my heart

Your naked body
For all to see
Tatters visible wounds
you could not treat

unveiled secrets
you held so close
for fear that others
would judge and expose

For years the mask
Is all you wore
Convinced it covered
The flaws you deplore

Substance quickly
Enticed you in
You dance with the devil
As he mangles your soul, with a grin

Illusions of grandeur
Lead you astray
Blind with temptation
As you rot and decay

I watch from afar
As you wither and fade
Wishing I had influenced
The decisions you’ve made

Holding hope in my heart
And plenty of love
I pray that your Angels
Will guide you from above

Clapping your hands
won’t get this song wrote
just free your mind
and bring it on home

Rock the house
hear the beat
tap your toes
on the street

lamps all humming
moon walks the light
thousands of stars
attacking the night

sky is above us
everything is alive
cut that rug like you’re Elvis
or just do the jive

Talkin is misunderstood
so let the melodies flow
feel rhythm and blues
igniting your soul

searching for answers
as the notes hit your ears
dance like you’ve never
had any fear

Factor in those moments
when everything is clear
this song may be fading
but you will always be here.

Can You see me?
Glistening with your morning dew
Passionately but peacefully
discovering the likeness of me
In You

Can You embrace me?
The all of me
the unacceptable
the unruly
the suspicious and untrue me
While I chase the knowingness of You
within me

Will You connect to me?
The culmination
of intricate pieces
perfectly created to define
that which is me
of You

Will You come for me?
The lost yet hopeful one
who denies her self-love
and soulful divinity
who won't ever give up
the quest for truth
and the journey back to You
to find Us all

Death is slouching towards me
from the corners of the room
The appearance of truth
Revels in my impending doom

You exhale as I hold my breathe
As blackness claims the space
You gloat in selfish victory
While betrayal ingests my face

I remember like it was yesterday
You were a giant back then
Love was not inside your heart
As you wore the devil's grin

Curled in fetal positions
As fear tightened its grip
I cover my ears from the screaming
And hide my quivering lips

Nurtured is a foreign word
Forty years I've lived without
Starved of love & tenderness
I sit in blame & self doubt

A product of dysfunction
On the same destructive path
A child once filled with innocence
Has become the model's *wrath

I am not the hatred in your eyes
but the gaze of understanding
I am not the back you turn on me
but the embrace of compassion
I am not the rejection in your tone
but the gentle voice of acceptance
I am not the wounding of your words
but the bandages to heal them
I am not your prison of unworthiness
but the freedom in belonging
I am not the poverty in your jealousy
but the abundance of admiration
I am not the blindness of your limiting fears
but the insight into your infinite love

This is my song
and its measure is profound
every pulse of my rhythm
expands the sweet melody of sound

You can see it in my steps
and feel it in my stride
but the truth of my song
lies deeply in my eyes

For I am one note
of a universal tune
A passageway to a chorus
where no one is immune

This impassioned piece
will speak to your soul
for the key to my essence
is the same as your own

It is the richness of love
within the chords of harmony
that perfect the rhythm
of our infinite symphony

This passion that lingers
The excitability of your fingers
Intricate pages of memoirs
Seep intuitively out of your pores

Drop by creative drop
The words they never stop
Clinging to the waiting page
Like a thespian to the stage

This beating in your chest
Emotions aching to be expressed
As you let go of the rhymes
Ecstasy seeps into your pleasured mind

She gathered them like the dead
autumn leaves of Fall
old habits and beliefs
crumbling into dust
through her fingertips
never once grasping to save one
or any at all
now only remnants remain
her soul reclaimed
she leaves all suffering behind
as the most desolate parts of winter
begin to fade away
uncovering her beauty
and the love she was meant to find
unearthed like the roots of Spring
she is Violet amidst the blossoms
reaching out to the Summer’s sun
it kisses her radiance
and welcomes her home

As dawn breaks
On the darkest skyline
Oceans of feeling
Flood this mind

I’m churning against
The endless sea of life
Crashing wave after wave
Resistant to change

Fear the devil’s muse
Precious moments
Lost in vain
To an inner battlefield

Never ending E motion
Direction has no meaning
Expanding vastness
Confuse this mind

The heavens unfold
Saturating drops of wisdom
That cannot soak
This impenetrable mind

Lessons surround me
Like sharks to their prey
I fall victim inside
This narrow mind

How do you navigate
The endless sea of life
When fog engulfs the horizon
Inside this gloomy mind?

And you think I would take advice
from a man discovered by his son
choking his wife on the kitchen floor
of their marital home
How doth this man become?

Was it the *****, your insecurity
or the entitlement of hierarchy
feeding the need for power and control?
Regardless, you abuse my mother
and I see the darkness within your soul

With your judgment and your greed
you cast your broken stones
into the heart of my sacred home
in hopes of cracking our foundation
and taking what’s not yours to own

But I will not respond in kind
I prefer to greet your madness
with silence and a forgiving heart
because the depth of love between us
you will never tear apart

I wade into its forest
and wander inside its ocean
this heart carries their rhythm
my love ‘tis its own

I soar across this earth
and walk beyond its skies
my feet rest upon its solidity
its foundation is my home

I ingest its symphony
and bathe in its purity
this mind becomes empty
Oneness and I, alone

I listen to its fruitfulness
harvesting its riches
this body fills with silence
its void is my unknown

It sees through these eyes
all of its creations
this spirit is in but not of this world
my breath it has bestowed

She walks in silent misery
a prisoner to subconscious memories
trapped within this repeating reel
believing what is not real

Blaming herself for not being the cure
shaming herself for pain she’s endured
willpower cannot break The cycle
without cellular healing wounds recycle

Intergenerational trauma exists
without intervention suffering persists
family history has infected her DNA
genetically coded for a life of disarray

She longs to walk in silent peace
where suffering and misery cease
she believes the solution will be found
when her body is six feet underground

May you be showered with love's presence
in the most joyful
and unexpected ways

A sacred space void of quiet
My mind embracing creative riots
Limitless possibilities engulfed in limits
I seek what has been given

The sound of my pulse quickens my heart
Interpretations become like abstract art
The victim of my inner critic torn apart
I seek what has been given

No voice of reason to keep me sane
Lost in worry as I drown in shame
There’s no one here only myself to blame
I seek what has been given

A thousand winds constrain me here
Trapped inside my vision unclear
In need of a cane as I walk with fear
I seek what has been given

A word without letters, a book without pages
My self realized imprisoned in cages
I hold the key to the truth and watch as it closes
I seek what has been given

They say answers lie in between the spaces
Beyond the terror of never-ending mazes
The time has come for making changes
I seek what has been given

In this muddy puddle for which I cannot see
Lies a sea of wonderment just waiting for me
Lift the fold, see the light just turn the key
And find what has been given

I am beholden
to the mist of her winded breathe
whispering through ruby red lips
a swarm of lustful intentions

A pucker so precise
with nectars so sweet and tangy
I'm spun into her web
of wild and crazy

The mind's desires
possess this ravenous body
I want her, and from afar
I have her

Inflamed with secret yearning
for the ****** within her eyes
I lie drenched in the truth
of my wanting and all that she implies

You whisper softly into my ear
From slumbers grip I lose this fear
The dawn she greets me I feel you near
Until she rises, the world awaits

Taking pleasure in this nakedness
It is all of you I want to caress
Breathing in all of your best
Until she rises, the world awaits

Can’t bear to take my eyes off of you
Your transformation, art in Hues
A moment away your essence I’d lose
Until she rises, the world awaits

This love affair has just begun
Wrapped within your safe haven
I’m so in love I’ve found the one
Until she rises, the world awaits

With bitter sweetness I watch you fall
Until the morn when I hear you call
The world around grows dark and small
Until she rises, the world awaits

Your power ignites my hopes and dreams
Shining on simplistic, diminishing extremes
Your mystery, your beauty; the source of all things
As she rises, the world elevates

I rush deep into the valley
through this tidal wave of pain
in search of its core
desperate to end its reign

I find what remains
a half rotten apple writhing feverishly
as deathless maggots infest
it’s spiritual domain

Our intentions may be well
tender and sweet
but we are never immune
to the destruction of fears deceit

Permit the mind to run amok
and Knowledge will consume you
If you host this intrusive parasite
it will gorge on your toxic residue

Your words are filled with anger
Resentment lingers like secondhand smoke
on your grandfather’s favorite wingback
I knew you were bitter the second you spoke

Her words are filled with sadness
Sorrow consumes her like death
as she witnessed her mother fade away
I knew she was depleted by the sound of her breath

The battle began when tensions were high
Blinded by judgement you lost your sight
entangled in the web of misunderstandings
I knew your agenda and your need to be right

They sweep their truth up under the rug
conceal closets full of skeletons with doors that won’t close
Buried in the trenches of guilt and shame
where approval is smothered and bitterness grows

Both crying to be heard with mouths full of fear
spewing venom of spite laced with years of pain
Two prisoners of the past
a place neither one could sustain

Their connection is deep but riddled with scars
unhealed wounds have festered, tainting their hearts
Like unraveling wool on their favorite sweater
each longing to mend it without knowing where to start

Most times I am choppy and chaotic
churning in an edge less void
I’ve forgotten my beginning
and don’t ever think I will reach the end

it is not till the wind turns its back on me
that the moment gives way to silence
where this light has room to be
casting it’s rays past the greyness
above which the blue sky remains

it is not till I am bathed in a wakeful
but silent presence do I know
I am not only the waves
churning, choppy and chaotic

I am the ocean that has always cradled it’s waves expanding with every fallen droplet
of my all encompassing existence ebbing and flowing as the infinite spaciousness of all that is

You have robbed me of my beauty
as your judgments label and discard me
take a closer look
Have you not seen the vibrancy of my petals?
the intricacy of their placement, in and around
and over each other
how my color enlivens this flat and desolate field

You have robbed me of my richness
as your anger at my existence fuels
the chemicals you annihilate me with
take a closer look
Have you seen how the bees simply adore me?
drawn to my hues, while a symphony
emerges from the buzzing of their bliss

Do not discard me
instead sit and rest here with me
in the stillness and the silence
surrender your labels and judgments
and just be here with me now
see me as I see you;
simply and beautifully

Allow the wonderment of what I am
mirror the wonderment of you
let us stop robbing ourselves
of the exquisiteness
that we are

Blackness covers
my body so weak
a restless mind
blank inside
with fear beside me, I’m full of doubt

where is my sunshine
my guiding light
to love and protect
against the demons at night

You cannot love in anger
an open heart is a forgiving one
God teaches in quiet whispers
and when we are willing to listen
we learn

Don’t get lost in judgement
it keeps you from your truth
Have you ever looked in the mirror
and felt your soul looking back on you?


December 19, 2011