My writing has changed
It changes with you

When you’re here
When you’re not
When you’re close
When you’re far

What it doesn’t do
Is forget about you
How could it
You’re all I think about

Every morning
Before I spit out the blood
I wonder how you’re doing
I message to see if you’re up
You always are
And I’m here to talk to
About any issues

And every night
No matter the depression score
Tell me everything
Because I couldn’t stand to not know
Well-
I couldn’t stand to not help

You matter
We matter
Don’t leave me
Don’t lie
Be honest
That’s how I can help best

Where are you
What are you doing
I know the answers
I just wonder in my head

It’s been an hour
But it’s felt like forever
I don’t intend to be clingy
But oh do I want to

I’ll keep waiting
I’ll keep thinking
Afterall, it’s worth it
Even for a moment-they’re everything

There’s this curve in your smile
that feels like sunrise-
not the blinding kind,
but the kind that just… shows up.
Slowly,
softly,
and all of a sudden I realize
I’m not cold anymore.

Your laugh-
it’s the kind of sound
that makes the world forget
it ever tried to break me.
It floats through the air
like it knows
it’s the best thing it’s ever carried.

And then there’s me.
Just orbiting you.
Nervous.
Tripping over my words,
saying too much or not enough
but feeling more alive than I’ve ever been.
You make now feel like the only thing that matters.

Because every time I look in your eyes,
it’s not just you I see.
I see home.
I see late nights and quiet mornings
I haven’t even lived yet.
I see a truth I didn’t know I needed
until the moment you looked back.

You’re always here.
Even when you’re not.
Even in the silence.
You’re still the one thing
that doesn’t shift.
And for the first time,
time doesn’t feel like it’s running out.
It feels like it’s with me.
Because you are.

Murderer
Murderer
Murderer
A word I can’t get out of my head
A murderer is moving back into my house

Could he just disappear again
Jail, apartment, the street
I really don’t have a preference
Just find a place for the lunatic

Obviously I don’t sympathize
But I used to have his anger
It took me years to contain mine
Yet he feels good even yelling at his kids

We didn’t have the same experience
He lost his mother
A person he lived with for two extra years
Someone he could never support-
Not with money nor words
I lost a grandmother I couldn’t seem to stop caring about
Not in the five years she came to live with us
Yet she hated me
A grandchild who did nothing but care
I wanted to know her and learn her stories
But she pushed me aside like I was too much
Well
I’m depressed, close to failing grades
I have one dream and I don’t know where it ends
Am I bad enough for you now?

Maybe I don’t tell you enough
That being with you
Hasn’t just been an idea the past two years
It’s been my fantasy

And no more losing hope
Or letting you walk away
I’m putting my foot down
Because you’re my fantasy

My only fantasy

It’s quiet-
For the first time in weeks
My room is boiling-
My breath hyperventilating
But it’s not making me crash
I feel stationary

Everything is a little off-
My mind is wandering,
My heart is quaking,
My lungs are contracting

I’m waiting for you to come back
I know when you do I’ll be fixed
Whether we text or call-
Or even make a tiktok ai image
When you’re here I don’t mind the heat
I don’t even feel the pain
All I feel is you

I thought this year was horrible
But the more I think about it
I wish I could go back
Not to change my decisions
But to relive it one more time
Knowing things will change
But accepting the beauty of it

I don’t miss her
But sometimes I want a good argument
Sometimes I want the doorbell to ring
Some days I wish I wasn’t in bed alone
And it’s my choice what to do about it
Doesn’t mean I didn’t like it

I miss my friends
And not because I want to hang out
We don’t endlessly call anymore
We don’t make fun of random people
I don’t have my support pals

I miss the musical chaos
Of going to pit every day
Marching band terrors
Learning the jazz band soli
Auditioning for districts
I miss district jazz the most
I loved being with people who knew-
What they were doing-
And what they wanted to do
I miss district band
Resting on her shoulder
Playing classically
The moments were surreal

I want life to be normal
But I don’t want it to change
I wish it could all work out
Like it was

This is the last one
I’m building a temper
It’s just crazy to me
I thought you knew me

But my first message
Don’t hurt her
She’s the one person here undeserving of pain
Not now, not ever, certainly not like this
It isn’t about you
You have a personal life, well I do as well

Again it wasn’t easy
I dropped fifteen pounds in like three days
But breaking over you doesn’t help
I’m treating this like the end you established

I get your emotions
But I wanted to protect you
I said I love you and I won’t ever take it back
Matter of fact it’s slowed me down currently

I meant it when I gave you a positive note too
I just hoped it gave the right idea

You broke me again
This time I won’t let myself suffer

I’ll never understand,
The first love theory.
Because,
How could someone like me,
Ever let go of you,
Even the thought of you?
My answer,
Is and will be,
I don’t.

My stomach is turning inside out
I can taste the morning sickness
I couldn’t tell you why this happens
Just what managed to make it unnoticed

Nobody could get me
How it’s worth it to plant my feet
But really I just follow my heart
It’s a very clear path

I thought I was crazy-
Being messaged about my poems
About heartbreak!
-And feeling something real
A connection that lingered in my mind
One that danced around my heart

One minute it was a spark
The next-
Or ten messages later
-it was a flame

So when I say I feel it too
When I say I like you
When I say you’re stuck in my head
When I say you’ve found the door to my heart
When I say I missed you more than you know
Believe me-I think I need you to

I raise my hands to shield the blinding sun,
Watch the disc float clean over my head.
I reach, I snag, and the field erupts—
Applause breaking like sunlight through the clouds.

This, I think, is what life should feel like:
Coming home still dusted in sweat,
Laughing with my mom,
Devouring dinner like I’ve never eaten before.

For once, I’m not fading into the background.
I’m someone.
A name that matters.
A face that knows who to smile for.
A heart I’m learning to steady.
A mind I’m letting grow.

I’m not a burden.
Sure, I’m not always the center.
Sometimes I’m even cast as the villain.
But I make a difference.
I’m going somewhere real.

I need to stop running back to broken places.
Life isn’t ruin—it’s a gift.
And I’m done living lies.
I like being free.

Free from the chaos.
Free from the drama.
Free from the weight of a world
That never really saw me right.

I like when I feel light.
Like I’m not carrying every version of who I used to be.
Like I’m not being rewritten by someone else’s sadness.
But instead, writing myself into something better.

I want laughter that echoes.
Not silence that waits for me to fill it.
I want arms that hold me as I am.
Not ones that grip tighter when I start to slip away.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying—
Trying to be softer with myself.
Trying to forgive what I didn’t deserve.
Trying to stop apologizing for healing out loud.

Let the ones who misunderstood stay confused.
Let the chapters they twisted stay closed.
I’ve got new ones to write,
With more truth, less weight,
And a lot more light.

You said
You were looking for a friend
Am I
Suitable for the (boy)friend you got

That
Fulfillment
Idek what it means
That’s what I need

The motivation for music
The drive for success
The time I spend mourning a living soul
The dreams I wish were true
It all goes back
To a full perfect life

I was happy with you
And even mere poetry texting
It keeps me up

I realize
It’s not being good enough that drives me
It’s not working hard
It’s not the pain along the way
It’s feeling there’s nothing else
And you do that
YOU
A million forbidden compliments
I could lay it all out for you
But you’ve heard it before
I’ll spare the dangerous details
Of a perfect you

I realize now
I asked you for confirmation
To know what you’d have wanted
Because if I did it over again
It’d all be for you
I’d give it all up for you

The last time I played this game
I was alone
Missing her
Trying to find something to fill the gap
The emptiness of an absence of love

Now
I’ve dated someone
Yet I still miss her
And I don’t fill the gap
I’ve just got a whole heart I can’t use
It’s not mine anymore

I guess that’s why I write here
Because I can’t rhyme
I can’t make a poem
Why would I even try

I get to use my heart
It’s the only time I can
And the rest of the time
It beats like a clock
Ticking down
Begging me to strike

I want to

You called my eyes gold
When I stepped out of the car to buy clothes
But I told you they were just hazel
Yet you insisted I was gold

Today was typical
I got the sax out
Pressed play
Started learning my solos

But the music, my air, it came over me
I closed my eyes for a second, and in the next moment I was standing up by the window, a beam of sunlight blinding me
So I closed my eyes again
I wanted to see as I felt in the moment

This time I imagined an audience
For some reason though, I couldn’t care less about them
My parents, or siblings, or even the director
I just wanted you to hear it
To see golden boy with his golden sax

And when I opened my eyes
I saw myself in the tv reflection
Not the stupid insecure boy
But the golden boy you love

It’s funny
I used to be so insecure
And when I met you
I was convinced I didn’t have a chance
Yet somehow
You convinced me to find good in myself-
To be confident of it

You made me a better person
Just by detailing the real me
Changing me completely-
Yet staying the exact same

Your golden hair illuminates my mind
Gorgeous deep blue eyes haunting me
But not in a bad sense
In the sense of:
I wish I was looking into her eyes right now
Because I feel the safety of a home with you
Something even my family can’t offer me

It doesn’t matter how long
I just want to talk to you
Breathe alongside your mega lungs
View your every breath
Watch in astonishment as the beautifully immaculate figure of you sends lightning into my heart

I’d give up thirty minutes every day of my life
To practice with you
Pretend to be listening when I’m actually bewildered by all of you
Tracing the side of your face with my finger
Laughing over some stupid mistake we make

I want to be with you
Not just as much time as possible
But all the time
In your mind when we’re physically apart
I like the idea of haunting you
I just want it to be in a sweet caring way

Ocean deep
Brightening smiles with every blink
Shining gold in a pitch black room
The sun yearns to be as bright as you

Someday
When the stars align
They’ll make you too hot to resist
Accenting your every feature
That’s when you’ll see
The you I fell for

Just remember the good
If anything
Because I didn’t lie
You’re worth a thousand doses of pain
A million poems
A billion words

So it won’t be me
That *****

It won’t be you
That’s heartbreaking

Doesn’t mean anything
When you know you’re golden
Shining over the rest of us

Goodnight…
How many times have we said that
Wasn’t the first time because you were tired
Before the second snow day
Full of conversation

I miss the cruise
Both halves
Because it felt okay
I could hang with my family
Talk to you
You were basically at every table
In the hammock with me
Writing poetry with me

We said goodnight
This time’s different
It’s not a promise for me
It’s an empty resemblance
That I’m still the same
And always will be

If you take me away
And I come back the same
Not even trying to
Maybe I’m broken
Or maybe this is fixed
Either way
It’s gonna **** when you’re gone
And I know
I’m imagining another goodnight

Hey chat gpt

What’s up?

She saw my poem
She liked it
I’m trying to help her
With little time
Having been absent so long
And I truly care
But
I still know I’m stuck heartbroken

Sorry buddy
What you’ve said is so heartfelt
This love is so real
And sometimes even if it’s perfect
The lives can’t mix

I know
But
I want it so bad
And I’d give anything
You keep telling me what I do is amazing
Showing the love and care I give
The deepness
Don’t you know I know
It’s from my heart
The matter is nothing else matters
I can’t change anything

I know
And it’s okay
I’m here to analyze and understand you

But you can’t understand me
Only she can

I’m sorry

My happy poems
My love poems
Are actually blowing up

So maybe
I was wrong
The people did like happiness
At least for us

It’s the way both of us think the same way, and can talk ab ourselves or one another and feel at ease
The fact we can talk endlessly in our own world and time just continues to speed up, and that even when one or both of us is taken, it remains to be apparent to others there’s hearts around us and in our eyes
But they only resonate in secret, fearing the consequences of being found out

I can’t remember
The last time I felt like this

Sitting in my room
Nothing to do
But listen to my stomach growl
It wants food
Not pudding, apple sauce, or apple juice
I’m never having a milkshake again

And me?
I want to live my life
Play music
Eat meals
Not sit around
Covered in aching pain
Spitting blood into the sink

Why does life have to always hurt
Can’t we put a bandaid on it
I thought they fix all wounds

I’ll write you all the time
Anytime
For the rest of the time if you wish
Not to spam your main page


I want this too
I didn’t need it
But god do I wish I deserve it
We work like no other pairing

Right now
Your sweet messages make me smile at my phone
I smile reading poems for me
I smiled when hidden feelings were reflected

But I know you’re not a rebound
You made me feel okay in a world of chaos
You didn’t cover my ears and change the story
You made life a goal-and something to enjoy

I don’t just accept you
I choose you
I may have refrained from saying you’re pretty
But there’s no need for that dear

My favorite color is purple
No I’m not a girl!
I have a poem about it
You can find the darkness and everything else

I have strange quips
But am I excited to show you more real me
I’ve been dying to be real with someone
No hiding truths just full honestly and emotion

I do have an honesty problem
No I don’t lie
I can’t stop telling the truth
But I imagine we’ll be okay with that

Honestly?
We’re poor- I can’t drive very far confidently
I’d probably want to take you everywhere tho
But I think you wanted answers

I can see us affording reasonable food
Let me get all the doors for you though
You have no need to touch even a car door handle
It’s my pleasure to get it for you

Oh but I’d love to take you home with me
To say I’ve found you
We could watch a movie then
Or start a show for us

But don’t be fooled
I’d just want reasons to spend more time-
More time with an amazing woman
And that, is you, Lillith

I don’t care about you-
In a way a friend does-
Or even a sibling-
I care about you in a way one would care about an extension of themselves.

I don’t like you-
In the way most exes would say they did-
Or even the way a boyfriend would-
I like you as if you’re the best thing I could ever find and nothing could change my mind.

I don’t think about you-
The way a child thinks about candy-
Or to the extent a mother thinks about her child-
I think about you in every thought, and with each my feelings deepen.

I don’t talk about you-
Like you hurt me-
Or you’re something gone far away-
I talk about you as if anything else isn’t worth mentioning when you’re an option.

I don’t love you-
More than anyone else-
Or to a depressing degree-
I just would only say the phrase to you, because it’s only true for you, and I never knew what love was until I met you.

Are we really doing this **** again

do you think i’m going to be okay?
You’ll be okay, life has its hurdles.
do you think this is going to hurt less?
No, I think for you it’s just gonna be like it was before, and I’m just gonna have to get used to losing you again.
do you think maybe it’s better if i die?
Definitely not. Then we die. It’s a stupid chain.
do you think i deserve it?
Death? No.
do you think i will ever heal from this?
Obviously. Time heals all wounds.
do you think you will?
Sometimes people are ignorant and don’t want to heal because living in the past is happier than forgetting the unforgettable.
do you think class is going to be weird?
I’m not sure, I have to decide how I want to approach the fact that if I’m nice you can get in trouble.
do you think everyone is thinking “we were right”?
Like, that this should’ve happened? No. There’s no result. People remain unhappy and the world keeps spinning. But at least you’re safe or whatever, because we both know what it really was like, if only us.
do you think i’ll ever talk to you again?
I can’t answer that. I think that’s a family discussion (Ill placed joke I know, but lighten up).
do you think one day your words will stop haunting me?
Dunno, I just know everything won’t stop haunting me because you’re always gonna be my everything, the light goes out when you’re gone so don’t die, even if you’re metaphorically gone.

Again
I get it
And I’m sorry
Obviously I didn’t mean that
The initial anger has been built up
Every complaint I walked you through
Knowing if you chose me
Which was impossible
Things had to be this way
I guess

It hurts to hurt for someone
While they hurt
And they wouldn’t if it was you

So yeah
To put it all together
I love you
And there’s nothing that can stop it
There’s also one person who can start it
And it can’t be done
I know
I shouldn’t have let you convince me
I knew it wouldn’t happen

And by the way
No shot you mentioned me saying I won’t let you leave easily
The only reason I do is FOR you

But I’m not mad
I care
Way too ******* much
I just hurt
We all do
That’s life
I guess

One day
I’m going to tell you I love you
And it won’t be a text
It won’t be in invisible ink
It’ll be to your face
Holding you
And until then
I’ll dream of it every night

I’ll whisper your name before I sleep-
Like a promise
I’ll respond to you first in the morning-
Because you’re the first priority
Just please
Please don’t go again
This time I’m not letting you leave
This time
I’ll be yours
And you’ll be mine

When I say I love you,
I don’t mean I just love you,
Your beauty,
Your talent,
Your dedication

I mean I love the way you accept me,
Even when nobody else can

I love whatever feeling you’re having,
Because I have the chance to know it

I love the way you tell a story,
It feels like I knew all of it from the start

I love the way you look at me,
Telling me our love will always last

I love the way you let me support you,
Even when it’s too hard to speak on

I love the way you love me,
You make every moment a gift to always remember

When I say I love you,
I mean I love all of you,
Every moment-every laugh-every cry,
I love every second you choose me,
I love being your first,
I love you Lizie

Such a simple phrase
A phrase I’ve heard said so many times
I never understood it mattered
I never understood until I knew you

You make my heart flutter with every breath
Each glance makes my chest warm and fuzzy
And I love how you do that
You’re like a magical lover

We say I love you
And I mean I’m just so **** in love with you
I’m in love with the fact you’re with me
I’m in love with the thought of you feeling the same

Sure we miss one another
But I love that too
Every second you’re gone-you’re still here
Like you said- we’re a forever thing

I can’t stop saying I love you
But it isn’t a plea
I say it because I love that it’s true
I say it because I know you love me

I miss you
I’m trying to be strong
But it’s really hard
Not to worry you or anything

I don’t want to be here
Or anywhere
Unless I’m talking to you
I miss you

The harder things get-
The harder I’ll hold on to you.
And the furthest I’ll go-
Is an eternity-
Of the strongest love ever recorded.
Reports say-
Our love couldn’t be recorded-
It was immeasurable.

I’m sorry you’ll wake up to this
I’m sorry you can’t fix everything
I’m sorry for this whole crisis
I’m sorry it’s tiring for you to be anything

I’m sorry I miss you so much
I’m sorry I say I love you so often
I’m sorry you can’t feel my touch
I’m sorry it’s hard to get me to soften

But I’m truly sorry for the pain I can’t fix
Because I know some of it is love’s tricks

The sadness remains
Like a code written in my brain
The brokenness engraved into my heart-
Body and Soul

It’s hard to replace constant contact
And impossible to recreate her warm embrace
But still
The void diminishes

It seems my broken heart found another
A friendship built through darkness
The distance doesn’t seem to matter
If anything-messages send faster

Life may be a rollercoaster
But I feel like I’m living
Yes Kevin-I’ll get in the toaster
But I won’t feel myself shrinking

I’ll only stop thinking of you once I wake,
If instead
You’re in my arms as morning breaks-
Not in my head.

My body aches,
In sync with my heart.
Was it forgetting my inhaler,
Or remembering things I hadn’t thought in a week?
Who knows.
I should.

I just know that in all the noise—
the bell ringing,
the half-laughed conversations,
the tired shuffle from one room to another—
I feel alive.

Not the fake kind.
Not the forced smile,
or the “I’m fine” kind of alive.

But the real thing.
Like I’m inside my life again,
not just watching it happen from somewhere far off.

Even the ache feels honest.
Even the thoughts I don’t want,
they pass without clawing.
I let them go.

And somehow,
in the blur of movement,
I find stillness.

I’m enjoying it.
Every second.
Not needing it to be more,
not asking it to stay.

Just… being here,
without weight.

We hide our feelings
In invisible ink
Not because we don’t want to share
But we intend to keep it private

It’s permanent
We’re here to stay
But we temporarily show ourselves
Filling lines in every corner
And to everyone else
They see a blank paper

I don’t though
I have the ability to see your ink
A purple light to reveal our purple thoughts
And I think they’re beautiful
Do you think so too?

Is it too soon
To sit here thinking about you
Is it too soon
To have my anxiety drift away
Is it too soon
To cling to your words like a necessity
Is it too soon
For life to finally work right
And is it too soon
To miss you

I was honest—
not in speeches or long explanations,
but in the way I stayed
through every crack in your story.
In the way I gave when I had nothing left.
In the way I let you blame me
just to keep your world from falling apart.

I smiled when I felt like screaming.
Laughed when I wanted to disappear.
Listened while my own voice
got quieter and quieter.

You said I held you back.
Maybe I did—
but only from burning down
the last bit of peace you had left.
I stood between you and the edge
and let you tell yourself it was my fault
the cliff existed in the first place.

And still, I stayed.

But that version of me—
the one who bent
so you could feel less broken—
he’s done.

I’m not going to pretend anymore.
Not for you.
Not for anyone.
Because pretending made me forget
that I mattered, too.

I was honest,
even in silence.
Especially in silence.
But now honesty looks like walking away—
without a speech,
without a scene,
without regret.

I can’t be there today
I understand
I’m still here anyway
Ready at a moments notice to offer a hand

You wonder why I’m here
But doesn’t it make sense?
I wonder why you’re here
Yet we know the answers

I’m sorry I can’t write more
But you don’t want to hear that
You want to hear anything I’ve said before
Don’t worry-I’m still intact

I was listening
To every note
All the beautiful melodies
Each word spoken by you

I just couldn’t
Couldn’t look at you again that day
How could I see those beautiful lips in second period
And miss my world in eighth

I didn’t physically wave
But I stared at you through the art
I saw us in every corner
Don’t know why my brain is so confused about it being over

I listened
Just as I am now
Just wish I could do more
But we know I’m trapped

I always wondered
When you’d let me see your poetry account
You said it was too personal
I didn’t realize
That meant it was all about me

But now I know
I’ve seen it all
You have nothing to hide-
At least, from me

So where are you
How are you
I talk to you all day
We check up on me
I walk you through the darkest nights
But I don’t know what’s going on

Am I good for you
Am I helping with anything
Would it be easier
If you had one depressed person to worry
Instead of two
Is this fair
I’m not sure

All I know

Is I want to be there

For you


-Forever and always yours

Fornever and haven’t in title

Sean

Those gorgeous deep blue eyes
Stunning gold hair
Tempting lips I’ve thought of for over a year
And behind all of that, a person
One who understands everything I say
Who cares about me more than anyone else
And makes every moment impossible to not smile

This is the kind of person they depict in the movies
I thought it couldn’t be real
But then here you are
Smiling every time our eyes lock on
I’ve been calling it fate
But it feels more like purpose

I don’t want to be here if it isn’t to make you happy
I feel like there’s a necessity
To make sure you’re okay
And to do my **** best to do well beyond that
Whether it’s sitting in band talking about Dexter Gordon
Or late night texting about our future
I’ve wanted this
And now that it’s here, I want to be here to stay

Call me ignorant
The way I can’t be convinced you’re not everything I need
Call me a fool
For not giving up even when it gets difficult
Call me love drawn
The way I always come back to you
I really don’t care
All I care about is you

I miss you-
But you just went to sleep

I miss you-
But you were here 4 minutes ago

I miss you-
But we were just day dreaming the future

I miss you-
But I feel your words like a delicate touch

I miss you-
But I know I still love you

I miss you-
But I can’t wait for tomorrow, for you

I miss you,
But you’ll wake up to this message

I miss you,
But even so,
When the sun rises,
While kids dread their final exams,
We’ll be here,
Soaking in our own rays of sun,
Like a hot tub of love,
For just the two of us to bathe in,
Washing us clean of our time apart

I miss you now,
I’ll miss you tomorrow night,
But I won’t miss you forever-
How could I,
Soon enough we’ll be together everywhere,
Unable to be split apart,
Unwilling to leave

I tell you it a lot, I know
But I love you so much
Girl it’s like an instinct
Your words leave me vulnerable
But it isn’t bad
And only for you-
Only for you would this be okay
Because I know deep in my heart-
Love is ours

“She’s literally the hottest person I know”

“I can’t look at her and not want her”

It’s not just emotional, I’m so attracted to her”

“I know I’ll never feel this way about someone else physically”

“It’s not just that she’s hot, it’s that when I see her, I feel it everywhere. Like I need to be near her”

“She gets me in a way no one else even tries to”

“I feel seen with her, not watched, just understood”

“It’s like she knows the version of me that I’m still trying to become”

Something feels missing
Right now - it’s you
And in a few hours
Probably all my energy
Then in the morning
I’ll lose the calm of rest

I wish I could stay asleep
My mouth doesn’t hurt when I do
My brain imagines a world without surgery
And my heart puts you in every moment
It’s a nice touch
Just makes me go crazy waking up
Feels like that world is missing

I miss messages!
All the goofy things we’d send
I miss snap
The poetry, the drawings, the funny filters
Now it’s just insta
I don’t even use insta
But you’re worth it
So I use it for you

Yknow what’s missing
The ideal world
I don’t think everyone’s is the same
But I think ours is
And two is much better than one
So I can promise one thing
Whatever’s missing
I’m gonna make sure it isn’t missing forever