This fruit tastes like nothing
I think after brushing my teeth
This apple juice tastes sour
Yet still I drink, fearing being noticed
Morning anxiety, morning problems

You’re not here
And I know it’s okay, because you’re safe
I’m just stuck keeping my thoughts to myself
Yet if you weren’t here, I’d have never opened
Morning loneliness, morning problems

I feel sick
Every morning
Nothing can fix it
It only goes away when I tell you about it
Or I can’t worry about it
Because I’m worrying about you
Morning sickness, morning problems

So are you my queen in gold armor
Because you seem to fight off
The morning problems

I watched a movie today
It was good
Somehow I managed to find myself in it
Actually
I found you first

The female lead looked just like you
Just less hot and less pretty
She had a temper
Like someone we know
The guy said she needed therapy though
So some roles were reversed
Still true tho

It was weird
It made me long for you more
Yet it reminded me of everything
All the things I’ve done
Said
Felt

I’m realizing I’m not flawed
It’s okay to put in your all
The failure is just a reason to fit in better
I’m not struggling
I know my audience
I can’t choose who listens to me
Who makes me feel safe

I don’t wish you didn’t
I’ve thought that a lot
I don’t want you to stay away
I just want things to be uncomplicated
Can you punch freshman me
Really hard
I hate myself for it
That’s my only mental health issue rn
And my brain’s disfunctioning without you

Truth is
I’ve thought of what I’d say
If you asked for me to come back
For the fourth time…
I thought: sorry I’m not trying to be led towards another heartbreak
Please, I can’t do the cheating thing
What, so your mom can ground you permanently and shoot me?
But really
My answer would be
[in invisible ink]
{Let me grab a new number}

I know you won’t see this
I think you’d be disgusted
I’m worried it’ll **** me to never know
I feel like my feelings are never going

Every woman I talk to feels like cheating
If they’re taken or not
Funny
Didn’t bother me with us

I guess what I’m saying is
We did so much wrong
So much
We broke records
People hate me for not listening
For “being blind”
And I’m certain my answer is-
That no matter what the situation is
No matter the awkwardness
I find my way to you
And that’s all that matters

So
I hate the world
I despise the haters
I still love you
And I’m sorry I didn’t say it more
Even if you couldn’t
You deserved it
I promised everything
I never stopped wanting to
And I’ll always regret it

My mom said to me
I’ll be the one who got away
I always thought-
It’s the opposite
Could it be
It’s the same for us both?

Well
You can’t
You won’t
You shouldn’t…
But if you ever see this
It’s still true
Even if I’m dating again
Idk
Ask me
Make me cry
It’s okay
I deserve it
I shouldn’t have hurt you
It was just sudden
The heartbreak I promised wouldn’t happen
The last heartbreak I’m going to endure
It’s not worth it if it’s not you

Life isn’t so bad
When I stop worrying about careless problems
I spent months following my heart
Worried about other people
When I had so many other things
That I should’ve prioritized

AP exams were a blast
I had holes in my euro knowledge
But I used the test to fill out the blanks
Human geography was fun
I knew all of it
I think I ate

Wildwood was amazing
Once I stopped complaining I just lived
I had fun
Stewart loved the ***** shorts
You’d be embarrassed
Got Sax?

I’m enjoying things
I’m not dying
Maybe I can’t eat
Maybe I’m not hungry
Sure I’ve missed practices
I’ve been pushed to third line JV
But Doc sent me a sweet appreciation email
I led the **** middle school trumpet section

I feel proud of myself
I know I have work to do
But to take all the drama
All the pain
And say I’m done
That’s more than enough
At least for me
To keep living

You may be sorry, but I’ll never accept it.
You may be tired, but I don’t want you spending your remaining energy feeling bad for me.
I’m always yours, and that means that I’m always here.
It’s not a problem for me to be your everything, I’m just returning the favor.
Don’t let your heart bleed for me, let it rest with me.

I think I love you
More than you could ever know

It’s not a bad thing
It’s just

The way you make a room full of smiles
Your lips tempting me to kiss you
The most beautiful blue eyes-
Looking at me like I’m valuable

Everything about you
Is like a fairy tale
And somehow
You still exist
Choosing me

One day
We’ll give one another what we want
And we’re gonna be so happy
We’llcforget what sadness felt like

Yes
I’ll hold your hand
While you get allergy shots

Yes
I’ll kiss you
Anywhere
Everywhere

Yes
Eventually
I will marry you

I’m an overthinker
But with you
I lose that grounded approach
Because with you
My dreams meet reality
They have to-
You’re my dream

-I can’t do this alone
Not really, I can’t without you, but I’m trying

-And as the earth burns to the ground-oh girl, it’s you that I lie with-as the atom bomb locks in
Well maybe not but mentally, and I still feel the connection even if it isn’t there or if it’s not what I think it is

-This time, I swear I won’t find someone new
True. At least I’m still able to live, maybe indefinite love can be burned indefinitely

-That you’re the one I want to go through time with
This song was rough, but yeah it’s all eternal and that’s the message, I don’t feel heartbroken, I feel accepting I’m forever yours and also alone at the same time

-oh, pretty baby
Don’t bring me down I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I’ve found you, stay
And let me love you, baby
Yeah it’s too late. But hey. Doesn’t make it any less what my heart is screaming alongside heath ledger.

That’s it, a lot of my fav songs, and the lyrics that most make me think about you. This is messed up but I still get those feelings I get talking to you, sorry if I scare you away.

I’m self centered for ignoring your feelings
I’m selfish for only seeing my pain
I’m self deprecating for believing the worst
I’m stupid for not telling you how I felt

I thought you were happy
I felt like I was some unwanted safe space
I believed everything real you preferred
I ignored everything you had told me

And you said it again
Yet I took the wrong intent
Now I feel dumb and sorry
I made it harder for you to break the silence

I’m reworking my thoughts
I’m reorganizing my feelings
I hope you can forgive me
I won’t make that mistake again

Burning
Dreadful
Sickening
Fearful

My anxiety slowly eats at me
It consumes my stomach first
Then it reaches for my mind
Before it attacks my heart

That’s when she steps in
My princess
My baby
My…savior?

Yes we heard it right
My dearly beloved
Whom I’ve sworn to never hurt
Has saved me from my sea of emotions

That pains turns to a void
The nausea slowly fading
And my fear-
Becomes barrels of love

I’m not sure why I am how I am
I just know she loves me for all of me
I’m not sure why she hates parts of her
I love her the same way

She’s tall
She’s fearless
She’s strong
She’s mine

And when I’m in desperate need
When I need a hero
I don’t even have to call
She comes flying

I feel the tears slide down my cheek
Crossing the lines around my nose
And I know
It’s going to be a long-
Lonely night

Last night
I didn’t send a lovey goodnight
This morning
I didn’t say goodmorning Lizie

When will I wake up

I have pain
Everywhere
The numbing wore off
Someone help
I can’t sleep
I’m trapped
I can’t talk
My mouth won’t stop bleeding
I hate it
The taste
The feeling
The pain from swallowing

I don’t believe time
How was it over a year ago
When our hearts first came together

I could’ve sworn we were not a thing-
Which as itself was a thing-
Less than six months ago

I love looking at our saved snaps
But it hurts
All those memories fading

Our love isn’t the same
It’s mature, settled, teenage-bonded
Spontaneous if you will

I don’t miss those days
I love us now
I just forget what it was like to love you then

I hold two things close to me in life

Music
The thing I plan to pursue
My goals and accomplishments

And her
The person I love most
My dreams and safe place

Music makes me feel one with my instrument
I’m no longer
Myself
I can be something more
I can be the notes
Bouncing off the walls
Vibrating across the building

But she makes me feel warmth
A warmth nothing else can
A warmth I’ve longed for so long
And now-
That desire is replaced with her
Every time I fall, or jump, or even sit still-
I want her to be there-
To pick me up, or congratulate me, or sit next to me

I like making the saxophone sound warm and fuzzy
It’s my favorite sound to make
My favorite feeling is similar-
It’s the warm fuzziness my heart swells with when she’s here

My two most important things in life
Are music and love
Often intertwined
But don’t be fooled
I’d give up the music in a heartbeat-
To keep this specific love
One where our hearts beat deeper than any metronome can

I love her more than life itself
And to be honest-
I’d fight for her over myself
It’s just how I love her, and only her

I don’t understand
Why does everything have to be drama
Like I don’t enjoy this
I’d rather not cry alone
It was all I wanted
But now that it’s here
I just want it gone

I don’t want to die
I’d like a chance to improve
To prove my worth to everyone
I’m just not sure how long I can hold out
Not like this

I know how life works
My luck hasn’t failed to disappoint me yet
But I’ve got to say
I feel happy with you
I’m happy with you

we didn’t name this,
but we both know the shape of it.
soft i love yous
hid between poems and half-jokes,
tucked in between messages
that mean more than they say.

she says she can’t give me
what i deserve right now,
and maybe she’s right.
but i’ve never been the type
to count losses
when i already found
what i wasn’t looking for.

we’re not clean,
not easy,
not ready—
but we’re here.
still writing,
still hoping,
still stupid enough
to believe in something
even when we’re not allowed to hold it loud.

it’s not perfect.
it’s not public.
but it’s ours.

and there’s nowhere—
nowhere at all—
i’d rather be.

Too good to be true
That’s your theme
The theme I didn’t accept
The theme I should’ve stayed with
But instead
You reeled me back in
Let me believe that wasn’t to last
Just to tell me
We were too good to be true

I don’t want you to go
So I’m writing to you here

We said goodnight
We used our old emoji
I missed our old emoji
I miss you

The past few hours have been a dream
Imagining life in the far future with you
It didn’t feel like a wish
It felt like the probable outcome
And I for one
Can’t wait for what’s in store for us

Writing poetry in bed, hiding our screens
Not because we won’t see it later
But because we don’t want to spoil the surprise

Talking you down when you’re upset
Supporting you when you’re sad
Laughing with you when we’re happy
I never thought I’d find these things
But I’ve found them with you

I don’t want to lose the moments we have making music
I don’t want you to let go of who you are because it’s not what everyone sees
I see you
And I want to be the person encouraging you to stay you
The true Eliza I fell in love with
The Eliza I am in love with-
Will always be in love with

I miss you
But that’s alright
I’m just reminiscing-
Our old future memories

Your lunch table is empty
A lot of tables are empty today
Life should be moving like normal for me
But it’s throwing some nostalgia in a spree

I used to overthink you sitting right across from me
Wondering if I make eye contact or ignore your existence
It wasn’t much of an issue once I had other issues
But somehow it’s all flooding back

I wish things were normal
You kicking my bag through the bars
Me giving you a random surprise gift
Life makes more sense that way
With the old worries

Therapy
What a deep word
To some it’s a joke
For people like me-it’s everything

Therapy is the pain at every fall
The dread until I climb
The hope that I’ll get up again
The drive to keep my head up

But last time I went I had friends,
I had things to do,
I had hope
Not sure where they all went

I’ll give it a go
New therapist, same boring me
Same depressed me
Same empty me
(Same broken me)

I’ll give life-
One last run
(Maybe the final run)

I was thinking earlier
How I have two summers left
Everything I do
Once chance left after
And maybe I won’t do it again

I wonder if this summer will be blue
I assume it’ll be good
Considering my current position
I’m making it without crying at night
But I guess I can’t know
Life has its ups and downs

I fell
And as I did
The world spun around me
I think the stars were trying to say something-
Oh never mind
I can’t see them-I’m inside
So what were those things..
Maybe it’s air
Maybe it’s hope
Whatever it is
It’s in sight
But out of reach-
So is my ability to get up
So is the handle to my bedroom door
And so is the life I liked living

Stolen glances across the room
Smiles that manage to hide our thoughts-
Our feelings

During the day I act okay
Just a friend, student, brother
But as soon as I’m out of the public eye
I come running back to you

The warmth pulls me closer-
Making hours feel like seconds
And even if the moments you’re gone feel just as long-
I treasure the time we have

I’m hidden from society
But believe me when I say
I’m living the dream
And it’s because you’re in it

They say an old man said-
“Don’t let the love of your life go when you’re young, because I had to grow up and marry someone else”

I, for one, could never be so stupid as to do such a thing.

Just occurred to me
I’m not home
But I feel at peace
Because you know where I am
And how I am
I don’t have a message to respond to
I can rest

I hate planes
Taking me away from you
What’s worse than how it pains-
Is how I know what you say is true

You do miss me more
And it’s hard to admit
Because I can’t measure your effect in my heart’s core
Yet somehow - you handle worse ****

I wish I could make us painless
No waiting or missing
But all I have is truthful promises
I hope it’s at least partially soothing

So I write to you now
Pleading for a promised forgiveness
I’m sorry to make you frown
Do you accept nudges?

Lizie
I am here
Just because we can’t be anything-
doesn’t take away me

Please
Please be careful
“Be safe”
I couldn’t live with myself if it gets worse

So wash, hide, wrap
Or even ask for help if you can’t anymore
It’s going to be okay

I’ll be a silent voice
Somebody you know is there-
Even just in poems

I need you-
I need you to take care of yourself
It will get better
It’s been three days

It’s not always bright
there can be darkness
but it’s got a bit of sentimental value to it there’s joy to be caught
even in small amounts

If I had a purple crayon
I’d draw us together

I’d erase all our problems
Creating a world for the two of us
A world we can be happy

We’d forget what our problems were
Living carefree in each others arms
All because of this crayon
It fixed our mess for us

But I don’t have a crayon
And we’re here now

I’d ask you for a crayon
But I think I have for years

Before I ever felt love,
There was purple.
Purple was the night we started talking,
Purple was each message we sent,
Purple was the infinite care you provided,
Purple was the time we had to talk.

Purple became my life.
Before I could think,
I was purple at home,
Purple with friends,
Purple at school,
Purple on a snow day,
Purple with you.

I gave up video games,
They weren’t purple.
Anything not purple no longer mattered.
Music wasn’t purple,
But I thought about purple,
Every note emphasized with purple.

And purple.
Baby,
Purple is you.
It was just my favorite color.
I never imagined it’d be the heart I sent 💜,
The contact color of my lover,
The color I see when I think of love.

But here we are,
In a world that doesn’t accept us.
But I see it,
Do you?
The purple light?
Girl,
It’s shining,
And it’s you.

It’s real
It always will be
But it will never be

Is this real?
Yesterday life was life
I could feel happiness
Now I’m numb
I still feel pain
It won’t go
I still feel sick
It won’t ever go
And after all of this
I’m still hopeful
Who made me like this
I’m not good at heartbreak
Even after a fourth time

Eliza... if you're thinking of ending it, I'm not gonna push you-but I am going to be honest. I want you to stay. I want you with me. And if some part of you wants that too
-if this thing between us feels as real to you as it does to me-then maybe it's worth choosing. I see you completely, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be sure about everything right now, just about how you feel in this moment. And if that's me-
I'm here.

It feels like my sadness-
My grief and weight,
Have been forgotten.
Like I don’t have a heart,
But instead a body and soul,
Channeled to my thoughts.
Maybe I’m not in the mood,
But don’t explain.
I like the me that thinks for himself.
The me who doesn’t cling from one person to the next.
The me who trusts himself,
And reaches out to his nearest allies.
Living a lie is a fun challenge!
It’s not right.
Living life is where it’s at.
On any planet, across the universe.

I’m scarred
From head to toe
But not with circles or lines
No, my mind wouldn’t let me do that
No matter how hard I try
Blade against the skin-
My body trembles
I keep trying to do something
But all of me says no
Let the pain linger on its own

It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could
My methods don’t really help
What does a fist covered in blood do-
Knuckles begging for a wall to cool off in
I don’t even have anger
I just like the way it stings and burns
And how I can look at myself and see pain
Not just feel it

She gets me completely,
where other people don’t,
where I thought people never could
She sees my energy and matches or raises it,
she’s here for me forever,
she doesn’t fail to help when I need it-
even without asking
And she tries her **** best to be “good enough”
as if she isn’t already so perfect-
So perfect that I don’t think I deserve her.

“Emotionless”
“Dead inside”
“Careless”

I grew up believing that’s who I was
I’m not a person
I live to fit in
I fit in to have a life

Today I felt different
I felt warmth
Talking to my grandmother
Playing a sax piano duet with my other grandmother

I didn’t feel alone
But I always feel alone
My depression silenced
I became an anxious boy with a heart

I realize now
I wasn’t broken
My heart was waiting
Till it could beat purple

I can’t stop writing
Maybe the inspiration is what I’d be saying to you
Or it could just be the aching of my heart
That wasn’t here for a month
Just to come back worse than ever

It’s cold
At the beach
Even with a flannel
I’m shivering

And I keep zoning out
I don’t mean to
But losing myself in my thoughts
Old our thoughts
It’s nicer than reality

I’m a ******* disappointment
For everyone
There’s nothing I can do to help it
I’m just not happy
I have no energy
I have nothing

All the trust
The energy
Love
It only mattered with you
We were a source for me
The only way I could be human
But I’m just a monster
A shell of a person

I face planted
Right through my bedroom door
Straight into the burning carpet
It was quick
But silent
As if I never made an impact
I wonder if my death will be like that
Will anyone be left to hear it
Or will I have to cry and wail
Scream and yell
Until someone listens
Would they want to hear it
Or see it
Would I matter to them
Or would they walk past
Like a half chewed rat left in the street
Do I belong on the street
Do I even belong anywhere
I’m not sure
But right now
I can’t get up
I’m glued to the carpet
Accepting fate
A silent fate

I’m going to **** myself
I don’t know when
I don’t know how
I don’t know why

Some random day
In a soon to be known season
I’m going to be so alone
Like I am right now
And I’ll have had enough

No more endless supporting-
Without any support
No more backlash drama-
While I try to live day by day

Nobody gets it
How hard it is
And I’m just done
I can’t handle the anger
I’m not even allowed to be angry
What a **** double standard

I was venting
In all honesty
I have no one to talk to
I’m alone yet again
It’s fine
I knew it was hard, and believe what you want, I’m just hurt that every time I open up it gets thrown in my face
It’s not your fault obviously
You could’ve done something, but it wouldn’t be worth the risk
Forget me
I’m just a lost cause
In every reality
Except the one I wish was true

I’m running out of words to write,
But it’s not because I’m out of ideas.
I talk to you in poetry,
Each message containing a memorable line,
One that I could paste here,
But feels too personal- too real to record.

But I’m still here,
The Sean you fell for,
The Sean you can’t stop falling for.
I’m just adapting,
Learning to say the things I want to say,
Instead of posting them.

I can’t promise painless
I won’t fight reality
I’m not perfect
But I can try my **** best for you

So send the battles my way
I’ll do my best to help
Maybe I won’t be much
But I can hope to be enough

I live life on the edge
No wonder everything about me is spontaneous
Yet there’s always one constant-
You

Whether I like you-
Or love you
Worry about you-
Or care for you
I’m here
That’s not changing

I have a lot of time
We have a lot of time
Maybe not the way I desire
But I’d rather be here
And help you
Having you here to support me
While nobody else does

I’d rather this
Than the pain of being without
Because alone is one thing-
Without you is torture
Why split up two people-
So right for one another

So I sit
Stationary
Here for anything
Here for nothing
Whatever you want
I’m ready to give

I don’t care what people think
What they would think
What can happen
I just don’t want us to be split up
Or to be hurt by being split again

Still here
Still dying
Still me
Still

Still

….so……alone……

We wrote poems like promises,
paper hearts folded between the lines.
not always together,
but never apart in the ways that matter.

I chase music now,
like I once chased understanding,
and I finally feel found in it.
but there’s still a note missing,
and it sounds a lot like you.

I say I’ve let go,
but my hands never learned how to forget you.
I move forward,
but sometimes I wish you’d catch up,
or maybe I’d slow down.

I don’t want to need you.
But I don’t want to lose you.
And maybe that’s love,
or maybe it’s just what’s left of it.

But you’re still there.
And I’m still me.
And somewhere in that mess
we still link.