Just occurred to me
I’m not home
But I feel at peace
Because you know where I am
And how I am
I don’t have a message to respond to
I can rest

I hate planes
Taking me away from you
What’s worse than how it pains-
Is how I know what you say is true

You do miss me more
And it’s hard to admit
Because I can’t measure your effect in my heart’s core
Yet somehow - you handle worse ****

I wish I could make us painless
No waiting or missing
But all I have is truthful promises
I hope it’s at least partially soothing

So I write to you now
Pleading for a promised forgiveness
I’m sorry to make you frown
Do you accept nudges?

It’s not always bright
there can be darkness
but it’s got a bit of sentimental value to it there’s joy to be caught
even in small amounts

If I had a purple crayon
I’d draw us together

I’d erase all our problems
Creating a world for the two of us
A world we can be happy

We’d forget what our problems were
Living carefree in each others arms
All because of this crayon
It fixed our mess for us

But I don’t have a crayon
And we’re here now

I’d ask you for a crayon
But I think I have for years

Before I ever felt love,
There was purple.
Purple was the night we started talking,
Purple was each message we sent,
Purple was the infinite care you provided,
Purple was the time we had to talk.

Purple became my life.
Before I could think,
I was purple at home,
Purple with friends,
Purple at school,
Purple on a snow day,
Purple with you.

I gave up video games,
They weren’t purple.
Anything not purple no longer mattered.
Music wasn’t purple,
But I thought about purple,
Every note emphasized with purple.

And purple.
Baby,
Purple is you.
It was just my favorite color.
I never imagined it’d be the heart I sent 💜,
The contact color of my lover,
The color I see when I think of love.

But here we are,
In a world that doesn’t accept us.
But I see it,
Do you?
The purple light?
Girl,
It’s shining,
And it’s you.

It’s real
It always will be
But it will never be

Eliza... if you're thinking of ending it, I'm not gonna push you-but I am going to be honest. I want you to stay. I want you with me. And if some part of you wants that too
-if this thing between us feels as real to you as it does to me-then maybe it's worth choosing. I see you completely, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be sure about everything right now, just about how you feel in this moment. And if that's me-
I'm here.

It feels like my sadness-
My grief and weight,
Have been forgotten.
Like I don’t have a heart,
But instead a body and soul,
Channeled to my thoughts.
Maybe I’m not in the mood,
But don’t explain.
I like the me that thinks for himself.
The me who doesn’t cling from one person to the next.
The me who trusts himself,
And reaches out to his nearest allies.
Living a lie is a fun challenge!
It’s not right.
Living life is where it’s at.
On any planet, across the universe.

I’m scarred
From head to toe
But not with circles or lines
No, my mind wouldn’t let me do that
No matter how hard I try
Blade against the skin-
My body trembles
I keep trying to do something
But all of me says no
Let the pain linger on its own

It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could
My methods don’t really help
What does a fist covered in blood do-
Knuckles begging for a wall to cool off in
I don’t even have anger
I just like the way it stings and burns
And how I can look at myself and see pain
Not just feel it

She gets me completely,
where other people don’t,
where I thought people never could
She sees my energy and matches or raises it,
she’s here for me forever,
she doesn’t fail to help when I need it-
even without asking
And she tries her **** best to be “good enough”
as if she isn’t already so perfect-
So perfect that I don’t think I deserve her.

I can’t stop writing
Maybe the inspiration is what I’d be saying to you
Or it could just be the aching of my heart
That wasn’t here for a month
Just to come back worse than ever

It’s cold
At the beach
Even with a flannel
I’m shivering

And I keep zoning out
I don’t mean to
But losing myself in my thoughts
Old our thoughts
It’s nicer than reality

I’m a ******* disappointment
For everyone
There’s nothing I can do to help it
I’m just not happy
I have no energy
I have nothing

All the trust
The energy
Love
It only mattered with you
We were a source for me
The only way I could be human
But I’m just a monster
A shell of a person

I face planted
Right through my bedroom door
Straight into the burning carpet
It was quick
But silent
As if I never made an impact
I wonder if my death will be like that
Will anyone be left to hear it
Or will I have to cry and wail
Scream and yell
Until someone listens
Would they want to hear it
Or see it
Would I matter to them
Or would they walk past
Like a half chewed rat left in the street
Do I belong on the street
Do I even belong anywhere
I’m not sure
But right now
I can’t get up
I’m glued to the carpet
Accepting fate
A silent fate

I’m going to **** myself
I don’t know when
I don’t know how
I don’t know why

Some random day
In a soon to be known season
I’m going to be so alone
Like I am right now
And I’ll have had enough

No more endless supporting-
Without any support
No more backlash drama-
While I try to live day by day

Nobody gets it
How hard it is
And I’m just done
I can’t handle the anger
I’m not even allowed to be angry
What a **** double standard

I was venting
In all honesty
I have no one to talk to
I’m alone yet again
It’s fine
I knew it was hard, and believe what you want, I’m just hurt that every time I open up it gets thrown in my face
It’s not your fault obviously
You could’ve done something, but it wouldn’t be worth the risk
Forget me
I’m just a lost cause
In every reality
Except the one I wish was true

I’m running out of words to write,
But it’s not because I’m out of ideas.
I talk to you in poetry,
Each message containing a memorable line,
One that I could paste here,
But feels too personal- too real to record.

But I’m still here,
The Sean you fell for,
The Sean you can’t stop falling for.
I’m just adapting,
Learning to say the things I want to say,
Instead of posting them.

I can’t promise painless
I won’t fight reality
I’m not perfect
But I can try my **** best for you

So send the battles my way
I’ll do my best to help
Maybe I won’t be much
But I can hope to be enough

I live life on the edge
No wonder everything about me is spontaneous
Yet there’s always one constant-
You

Whether I like you-
Or love you
Worry about you-
Or care for you
I’m here
That’s not changing

I have a lot of time
We have a lot of time
Maybe not the way I desire
But I’d rather be here
And help you
Having you here to support me
While nobody else does

I’d rather this
Than the pain of being without
Because alone is one thing-
Without you is torture
Why split up two people-
So right for one another

So I sit
Stationary
Here for anything
Here for nothing
Whatever you want
I’m ready to give

I don’t care what people think
What they would think
What can happen
I just don’t want us to be split up
Or to be hurt by being split again

We wrote poems like promises,
paper hearts folded between the lines.
not always together,
but never apart in the ways that matter.

I chase music now,
like I once chased understanding,
and I finally feel found in it.
but there’s still a note missing,
and it sounds a lot like you.

I say I’ve let go,
but my hands never learned how to forget you.
I move forward,
but sometimes I wish you’d catch up,
or maybe I’d slow down.

I don’t want to need you.
But I don’t want to lose you.
And maybe that’s love,
or maybe it’s just what’s left of it.

But you’re still there.
And I’m still me.
And somewhere in that mess
we still link.

You’re not in danger.
You’re not hurt.
You’re just not here.

And still—
my chest folds like a paper map
creased where your name used to lie.
The silence grows teeth at night,
soft ones,
but they bite.

I know you’re somewhere safe.
Maybe smiling.
Maybe lost in a thought I’ll never hear.
And I don’t want to take that from you.
I just want you near.

When you leave,
it’s not disaster.
But the air doesn’t settle right.
I wait—
not because I’m desperate—
but because nothing fits
without your weight.

I tell myself you’ll be back,
that this is just space,
not distance.
But my hands don’t listen.
They reach anyway.
They always do.

There’s no storm.
No sirens.
Just a slow drip of maybe,
of soon.
Of hoping the next time I blink,
it’ll be you
walking back through the room.

Still here
Still dying
Still me
Still

Still

….so……alone……

I’m looking forward
To the beaming stadium lights
Performing in a warm summer night
Feeling my sunburn prickle off my face as I smile

So many memories
Reduced to tears
Yet here I am
Still alive

I miss the constant memories
Each hall filled with still life
Of tapping on display cases
Slamming water fountains

At the same time
I dreaded each memory
Because I thought the past was so great
In reality
Life doesn’t change
Just the things we have

She was my everything
From the moment I first laid eyes on her
All my trauma faded
Insignificant to that gorgeous babe

Creamy gold hair
Glowing in the sun
Strands swaying in the breeze

I so badly wanted to grab your sweet hands
To stop you mid count
Have you turn to face me
Our hands hit constantly
I wasn’t sure if it was on accident or I tried
I just wanted to keep doing it
By back against yours
Our heels colliding
There was nobody I’d rather be with

Waving in the hallway
Filled my heart with joy
I felt like the center of the world
Of course
Right beside you

And how soon that faded
I stopped seeing you
And my dream was left unanswered
I could’ve sworn you gave me a look turning the corner
Going to the library
It was the perfect opportunity
Us alone in the school
But I overthought it
You made me more nervous than the waiting room for my surgery

But then that miracle happened
I added you on snap
And within hours
Conversations
Of nothing
Of everything
The start to a fiery love
The kind that can’t be put out
Because it grows with each attack

I still remember
“Do you play?”
The start to it all
Was my piano
Back when I put your name into my moonlight
e-li-za
It more than worked
And let me tell you
That’s when I knew
You were the one

You loved everything I gave
I felt something I’d never felt before
Finally having someone who cared
Who saw me and didn’t run
You embraced who I was
I felt like a child
Giggling at stupid things
Grinning at my phone

That’s why that night I cried for six hours straight
My mom trying to comfort me
And giving up
Because it was everything
And saying it was nothing
Just broke my heart more

And I saw you move on
I saw you with someone else
I watched you ignore me
So I did what I had to
I bottled it all up

Yet I had the summer blues
All the while
I was missing you

Then band camp came
We were back
And somehow
Small talk
Subtle jokes
Became leaps of faith
And we were in one another’s arms once again
Until we got stripped away
Believing it was for the best
That was my worst era
Because I knew I couldn’t do without you
But I tried to

And she came along
Messed me all up
Gave me alternative sensations
Compensating for the pain in my heart
Until it was too much
She didn’t like what she saw in me
She couldn’t change who I was
And I was thrown out

But you
You scooped me up
Nursed me back to full health
And confessed

I know you’ve thought it
But it wasn’t stupid
Because it brought me to my knees
Everything made sense
I could finally figure out where I am
Because I had you again
The final time

I wished
I hoped
I dreamed
I cried
I prayed
I wondered
I thought
I loved

It wasn’t enough
And you were gone
Because we can’t decide our own fates
I can’t pick me for you
You can’t pick me for everyone else
I regret letting you go though
Even though I couldn’t have fought

Then my poem found you
And you reached back
And I pulled you right to me
Not letting go
But I didn’t have to
You grabbed back
Maybe even pulled me closer than before
Our bond feels like a single program
One soul building two lives

This is it
I have to leave us here
I can’t lose you
So I remain

Talk to me
Whisper to me
Invisible ink to me
Cry to me
Yell to me
I’m here for it
I’m here for you
And I’m never going

I was obsessed over you
I fell for you
I cried with you
I died with you
I returned for you
Girl
I love you

You made me happy
Truly happy
But I guess
That’s not how you wanna go out

Sunlight changes people
Some get burnt all over
Others tan until they look like another person
But I think she’s got it best
Every detail I love about her-
It shines

Her blue eyes reflect the world in front of her
Her skin appears closer, and smooth
Her hair becomes golden like sunlight
And her words travel across the heat
Making every muscle in my body quiver

I might have golden hair and eyes
But you’re the true gold, girl
I don’t think I’d be gold at all-
Not without my lovely ray of sunshine

What a memorable smell
I don’t like it
Sunscreen is icky
Takes me forever to rub in
And it doesn’t really help
I burn and tan

But
This morning
Sitting in the car with my brother
It felt like freshman bandcamp
Standing in the sun
Staring you down as I covered my eyes with my arms
Pretending to be performing whilst I imagine what we could be

It reminded me of my exit from my Sophomore slump
Getting a month of peace
Of wonders
Of promises
Even if only temporary
It’s forever changed me
Because I can hold on to hope

But who am I kidding
I’m writing about sunscreen

Then again
I’d much rather write about you

It’s always about you

I’m scared
The iv doesn’t help-
My skin pinched over a needle
Blankets guarding the freezing air
But it doesn’t cover my pounding chest
All I can think about
Is how I have to get back to you
Just like last time

My heart threw a tantrum
Wailing through anxiety for days
Until it got tired
Until it missed the love

I used to long for the warmth
Now it seems I can’t escape from it
And it’s not that I want to
It wasn’t used to switching back for a moment

But I think it’s cooled down
I’ll manage the rest on my own
It’s my turn to deal with pain
Simple as that

Tears won’t come
No matter how hard I try
The last time I could was in March
Since then I haven’t felt alone
Even when I am

I guess it’s what I get
The quiet peace of a falling world
Crumbled dreams
Fantasies destroyed

Words don’t speak-
Not like eyes do
We can promise ourselves for months
But the look we give one another says it too
There’s no secrets between us
It all spews out in a simple glance

I don’t hear the meaning in your words
I hear what’s going on in your head-
The ideas put onto the screen
You’re so readable to me
As if I know what you’ll say before I’ve seen

I can feel love next to you
I can see love in your eyes
I can hear love in your voice
I can be in love with you
And that’s all I want to do

I’d say don’t leave me now-
Don’t leave me ever
But I see in your head-
I see the same dreams, forever

******* in knots
Spewing nausea in an endless stream
Keeping my head in the dark
That’s my stomach for you

I can’t stand tennis without keeling over
Couldn’t finish half a meal
My mom thinks I need a job
What would I know, I’m in the dark

Maybe I should try therapy- again
Let someone tell me my life as it is
Then at least I won’t be alone 23.8 hours a day
I think that’d be nice

I miss having people to cope with
Now it’s just one or the other- or none
Everyone is growing distant-
Like my ex best friends

But how would I know
I’m in the dark
Waiting for something to shine down-
To take me out of the dark

I’m ******
Not only because
You lied several times
You broke about thirty promises
And hurt me
REALLY
Hurt me
Several times
But because I saw through all it
And let you break my heart thrice

Once, shame on me
Twice, that’s my fault for not seeing it again, shame on me again
Thrice???
Now that’s your own **** fault
SO sorry!
But there’s definitely some anger pent up
I can’t even focus
On anything

I’m just
Mad
Angry
Confused??
I shouldn’t be
Because I know you don’t care
If you did you’d decide for us
Not to save your own skin
Every **** decision you make
Is for your benefit
Dragging me along twice
Oh sorry, thrice
And hurting me every step of the way
You know, it’s childish
Like honestly
Just give up

And sorry for not cussing you out
I’d definitely be doing that
But this is my school mac
I’m sitting in English
Ignoring my work
Stomach in knots
Brain and heart aching
I can’t do this
I can’t do without you
It’s not fair
The fact that the only way you can pay me back for what you’ve done is to be here
ANd you say you can’t even do that
This is just, this is ridiculous
Because you made me care
And I was all for it
And you left
I’ve never left
I never will
But I hate you for this
For everything
And when I get, or got, “sassy”??
That was for you
Because of you
I can’t stand this
I don’t want to do this anymore
It’s not worth it
Because you made it worth it
Even with a thousand deep cuts
Piercing my heart
As you do, miss heartbreaker

Just a theory
If I couldn’t look you in the eye
Was it because of your beauty
Or my fear of the pain to come
If it was
It was worth every gut wrenching moment

There’s a lot of space between us
Even so
I wished you’d hear the engine spattering
My foot lifting off the clutch slightly too quick

There’s a lot of space between us
Yet you’re still on my mind
Good, bad, longing thoughts-
I can’t seem to shake off

There’s a lot of space between us
But you’re still filling my heart
Making the world bright and purple
Lifting me up inside

That space between us
It echoes in my soul
Pounding through my chest
Trembling across my fingers

The space between us
Isn’t a lovely thing
But somehow-
It’s still pure

“Her eyes are gorgeous”
A real thought flashed in an instant,
As she looked at me,
Seeming eager to be partners.

I wonder,
“Does the hot sophomore want anything to do with me?”
But it’s not like I have a choice.

“Seannn” she says,
Like it’s a secret password to my heart,
And it worked.
I was open from then on.

And here we stand,
Back to back,
Me slowly pressing my back into yours,
Wondering if you notice.
And you step on my foot time to time,
Making me overthink,
“Is this really happening”
“Am I being stupid”
“What do I say”

And so I do the only thing I know how to.
I laugh.
And it makes you laugh.
And your laugh,
Sent me into spirals,
Resulting in lots of down the field stairs,
And who would’ve thought,
Love poems.

Your voice,
it drips like sunlight over my skin-
not burning, just warm,
like a kiss that starts in the heart
and spills outward.

You say my name,
and it’s like fingers brushing the back of my neck,
gentle, like you always are when you mean it.
Every syllable
a promise without pressure,
a tether made of silk and intention.

We talk until the day folds in on itself,
hours dripping slow like honey,
and I want more-
of your thoughts, your hands,
your breath softening the air between us
as we sit close
in the hush of the car,
windows fogged by the gravity
of just being near you.

God, Eliza,
I see us in years we haven’t lived-
your laugh decorating a kitchen,
your feet on my dashboard,
your eyes asking nothing
but still saying everything.

Love is not loud with you,
it’s skin-on-skin in words and time,
in the way your touch exists
even when we’re not touching.

And maybe-
maybe one day I’ll kiss you
like I’ve kissed you a thousand times
in dreams I never wake from.
And it’ll feel like this:
not fireworks,
but a soft ignition.
Not a storm,
but a home.

I used to search through my purchases
Before the months passed too soon
I’d count the days from each that you left
The further I got, the more lost I felt

When the day came
That April 20th and April 22nd faded
My dinner with my friends marking the night before
I lost it
I convinced myself you were better without me
I told myself I wasn’t deserving

It didn’t make it easier to feel it

Our bond

Which lasts through all rough and tough
There’s no way I keep going without you
And I don’t mean that in a disastrous way
I’m always here, you’re always there

It’s us

And I’m glad we’re not tied to pain
I’m no longer cursed
I’m found

I wish I knew
How much-
Just how much you had loved me
I could’ve saved us pain
Even if I couldn’t manage everything
I could’ve managed us

We’re okay now
The storms have passed
But it hurts
Because I loved you
More than anything
So much-
I don’t even think I knew what it meant-
At least-
Until now
And yet
I didn’t know
You were there too

I read your old poems
The ones about me
Maybe sometimes for me
Even knowing I couldn’t read them

I wish I did
I wish I grabbed your hand at practice
Pulled you towards me
Gave in to temptation
At least if I had
You would’ve known sooner
We could’ve started sooner

Our love is here to last
But why-
Why did the universe choose us
Do we really deserve this
Does it matter
I want this
We’re taking it

Please tell me
Do I give up on her
Do I let her mom decide our future
Or do I put my foot down
Do I let myself have what I want

I either give up on something I-we can never let go
Or I stand patient and stubborn

I’m torn
My friends hate me
My name is being gossiped
I asked what I should do
I was instructed to stay quiet
“I was instructed to stay quiet”

This *****
How do I support a friend
Going through a really rough time
While people blame me
I don’t even care!
About the drama
The dumb band positions
It doesn’t matter

Why am I
Falling victim
Of others’ conflicts

Can I please get a breather
Can the hate texts stop
Can everyone look at me without disgust

I can’t argue
I can’t tell the truth
I can’t defend my friend

I’m torn
In all parts
Left to rot
Like I couldn’t matter
Like I don’t have a soul

You asked me if I’m in
Kind of silly if you ask me
Oh wait
You did

I’ve been wanting you since I first heard you speak my name
So sweet and innocent
The way you said it nobody could repeat
Except for the one

I’m sure of it
Convinced

And right now
I’m not fighting alone with a tortured heart
I’m joining forces
One tortured heart to another
We’ll find our way through
We’re already together
And I won’t lose
You
You won’t lose
Me
You and Me
We work like peanut butter and jelly
I’m stuck to you
Best believe I’m not going

Can we do airplane arms on the 45 again
Can we learn Dexter together again
Can we do so many things we’ve dreamed of
Text me and kiss me
Call me and hug me

Girl I want you so bad
I got it bad and it feels so good
That’s how I feel for you

My heart won’t stop pulsating for you
And I don’t want it to either
You’re the one
I want you

Looking out over the waves
My shoes making endless trails in the sand
Washed away by the thick foam
I realize nothing matters
We’re on a rock in space
Filled with billions of emotions
I’m not special
Nobody is worth a **** in the end

That’s how I realize it’s real
Because even when nothing matters
When I’m out here in the middle of nowhere
Far away from everything
I still think you matter
And I wish you were here
Or there
Everywhere
Just with me

Even if it can’t happen
I still want you to
Maybe there isn’t the one
Maybe some people don’t have anyone
Maybe some have multiple
I just know for a fact you’re the one
I’m not deciding
So it’s you or alone

I see our poems trending
The ones we wrote about us
Secrets to never be spoken of again
Even between us

It hurts
To know that people supported us
To know people liked us
Because they knew us
The way we knew us

So in the end
Anyone could see the love
It’s just those that feared it
I don’t know why they fear me
I’m no Heisenberg
Couldn’t hurt a fly
Drink a sip of alcohol
Hell I couldn’t even beg you to stay

The day I saw you play my piano
Making everyone smile
Singing like no one else was in the room
It changed my life forever

I started taking piano lessons
I think you graduated by the time I got anywhere
But I wish I could’ve told you

My sax started seeming like a goal
Not a thing I picked up to “practice”
What is practice anymore
It’s just for my enjoyment
It’s a hobby
A habit

Now I’m earning district medals
And it’s because of you
And I don’t know how to tell you
You created my life
Thank you

A concept I never thought real,
One I believed I’d never know,
Something I longed to have.

And now that I do,
I’m learning everyday,
What makes it true.

The ever longing feeling when we’re apart,
The butterflies I get being next to you,
How everything fades out when I see you,
That sensation when our eyes lock.

True love isn’t lust,
It isn’t being crazy obsessed,
It isn’t even caring too much.

True love is choosing a person,
Even when you think you shouldn’t,
And returning to it,
No matter what stands in the way.

I live a life with true love each day,
Thinking about them more than I do myself,
But most importantly,
Standing ready to return at a moment’s notice.

Smile and laugh
My typical my code to fit in
Not sure how I made it
Or why I feel like it doesn’t work

I walk with my group
Split off from my best friends
But are they really friends if they abandoned me
I don’t feel joy here
I’m just trying to fit in

I also feel happiness
I’m like a broken clock still making the ticking sound
I wonder if it’d be different born fixed
Or if I’d still think the same

The person I am
It doesn’t really apply anywhere
I know I never have
I think I never will

Just trying to fit in
Make myself a character to keep around
Cause I’m not a person
Just an object to use and hate

He was mid-sentence when a sharp pain cut through his body. His eyes dropped in confusion. A knife was sticking out of his stomach, the blade stained red. For a second, he didn’t understand. His mind tried to catch up, but the pain was too sudden, too real.

“W-what…?” he whispered.

Then the knife twisted.

A cry escaped him as the pain surged. It knocked the air from his lungs, made his knees weak. Breathing hurt. Thinking hurt. And then, just as fast, the knife was pulled out. The pain didn’t stop — it got worse.

He pressed a hand against the wound, trying to hold himself together. When he pulled it away, his palm was soaked in blood.

“Blood…” he said quietly, as if saying it would make it make sense. His head started to spin.

He turned, forcing his eyes to focus. That’s when he saw her. The person who had stabbed him.

Someone he knew. Someone he trusted.

His body gave out and he collapsed. The ground hit harder than he expected, sending a shock through him. Lying there, he struggled to keep his eyes open.

She was human, just like him. That was what stuck with him. Not the pain, not the blood — the fact that she chose to do this.

And he couldn’t figure out why.

He knew he wouldn’t make it. There was no one to help, no one to stop the bleeding. He was alone.

There was no anger in him. Just confusion, sadness… and a kind of quiet fear. Not knowing what he meant to her anymore. Not knowing why this had to happen.

He looked up at her one last time. His voice barely came out, but she heard him.

“Did you just twist me out of your life?”

I think I’ve always wanted security
My anxiety eats at anything uncertain
So I ask a million questions
Hoping the answers calm me

But I don’t think the chaos is avoidable
Maybe my nights of crying are deserved
It’s for the lore
Intended to make me who I will be

I’m so broken
Don’t even kid yourself
I can take a hello and make it like a goodbye
Everything in my head is wrong

I’ve always wondered why many others live
Why they don’t slowly die- like me
But I think I realize now
It’s how I was built

I’m a bundle of scraps
Fused falsely to form a half being
My parts strong in the worst ways
I can never escape the torment of uncertainty

I wish I could just hurt myself
Save me the pain I build in my whole body
The thoughts that won’t quit
Why do I make little things everything

I have cool traits
So see me as great
But they’re all baits
To lure me to a good fate