I’ve changed my mind
Things are much different than I saw
And for some reason, against all odds
I’m back in the same spot, with different people

Except for one
One remains constant
One remains important
One remains special

The one, perchance?
Well it can’t be
Not only for the unopen circumstance
But the people around us don’t associate nicely
I’m not seen as built or mature
And you, well, can’t argue with that

Against all odds
We maintain the same situation
Across all possible barriers
The end seems to be inevitable
Wishing, hoping, and never ending

Quite ironic, isn’t it?
No matter how much we desire, or hope
No matter how many women I put between us
No matter how long you stay with him
We still find one another
And things fall apart again

But it’s always broken
It only fixed when you were here
Even though you really weren’t, and neither was I
Having us was special
And this time
I’d like to keep it like this
Even without hope
It’ll just have to be
Bestie,
Against all odds

I did airplanes on the lot
It felt so instinctual
Although
How could I forget what I did for so long

I remember
Staring at your lips
Watching you count
Hearing you soft voice

And I inhaled
I swear I could smell you
I didn’t want to stop breathing in
But I had to
Because whether I want to or not
I can’t stay here
I’d get hit by a car

Just Swingin in this hammock
My brother pushing it side to side
Crafting up words to write in my head
But I know won’t sound good on paper

I always write them for you
Even when I just form it in my head
And when I think of nothing
It’s about you
When I think of everything
It’s everything you
So here goes, the lines in my head
Don’t judge me
I’m only sixteen

I think about life
But I think about you
What are the definitions of these words?
I don’t see a difference
Couldn’t take you out of my mind
Not because I’ve tried
But because I wouldn’t ever want to

Eliza is the name I’ve always wanted to call
Not just at random of course
But because it’s perfect for you
I think I knew your name before I knew your name
I think I knew what we could be

I’m letting down the barriers indefinitely
I’m staying completely open
But only for you
It’s only worth it for you

It’s all for you

I felt nerves today
For my leadership interview
It ******
I haven’t been anxious in so long

I had a math and chemistry test yesterday
Same thing happened
Am I getting weaker
More tied to my environment

A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have cared
My eyes would be glued to my phone
My heart full
Running marathons in minutes
And wanting every second of it

I miss that
I miss a lot of things
I’m losing track
Of purpose

As I grow
Learn what I’m gonna be
Get better at what I do
Doesn’t change the fact
I still want…

I can’t stop writing
I don’t care about getting a zero in this ****** class
I couldn’t care less about English
Because I can’t care about myself anymore

I only wish for one thing
An easy way out
Thank you!!
For making my life hell again

You could’ve left it at the spring and summer blues
You didn’t need to make the fall heartbreak terminal
And DEFINITELY not now
You didn’t need to take my heart a year later
**** April
Is that like a lucky month for you
You gotta break Sean’s heart in April right??

But it’s okay
I really don’t care
I just hope you enjoy it
Every cut
Every moment you think of me
I ask one thing okay
Remember who did this
And I’m going through it
More than you could fathom
Don’t feel sorry
It’s on you
You can’t help it
I suffer for you
Isn’t that enough

It’s so fair
For you
Because you just let life decide for you
Everyone else I mean
And maybe one day they won’t be life and you'll be alone
Then we’ll finally be twinning
Because that’s where I belong
Because of you
And I wonder if that means you do too
Sean the loner
Cool
Thanks for the title
Master manipulator
(Who can’t make a single decision to not hurt anyone)

I’m *******
At this bus of non jazz enthusiasts
At my right *** cheek for hurting like hell
At my best friends for ditching me
At myself for holding it all in

This is too much
Life is too much
The world is too small
Yet if it got any larger I’d lose everything
Even myself

I want a way out
A way out of fighting
A way out of hiding
A way towards fairness
I want to walk into a room making smiles
Not painful whispers
Silent looks

I’m notoriously known for being easy to do wrong
By everyone
And I take it like they don’t matter
Because I don’t think I do
I can’t be blamed for this anymore
Can I just be nothing
A musician who can’t be close to others

Nothing ever works out in my world
Every opportunity is met with horror
Even my passion for music crumbles

I want a way out
An option to quit
But not to die
Not to restart
To be left alive

Checking the home page each writing session
Remembering I don’t get notified by you
Having to click your past poems to see your profile
That’s a bad habit

Staying up at night
Overthinking my life
All my mistakes
Everyone’s point of view
Just for things to stay the same
That’s a bad habit

Buying food for friends
Every day
Even though my money is short
That’s a bad habit

Thinking about all my moments with you
Most not even in person
Standing in front of the Disney banner texting
Or you calling me grimace’s foot
You complaining about your skin tone
My rants about you
I’ll still be honest
It was true
That’s a bad habit

Missing things
That came in terrible eras
Like, worst timing
Is it because the chaos made me feel things
Or because I had real definite trust
Either way
That’s a bad habit

I’m gonna break my cycles
Figure out what I can do to keep me afloat
I want to stop relying on others
And quit excusing myself
My head isn’t messed up
My perception is
The therapist was right
that’s a bad habit

Anything.
Anything at all.
I just want to end up with her.
I know her secrets, her issues, all the problems she thinks she has and knows she has.
I just see beauty in it.
I see beauty in her.
Beauty in her.
Her
Beauty

When you look into my eyes
The whole world stops spinning
It’s just us
Floating across space and time
I can read how you feel
Observe your beauty
All I wish in that moment is to stay with you

You’re always here to care for me
Even when you’re not doing well yourself
Or you’re battling stress
Or having a good time
A week of being sick shouldn’t be needed to make me realize how much you care
And it’s not
I truly do know and appreciate you
Even more having survived the week with your love and care

The warmth you send through me
Filling my heart
Trembling my bones
Making me blush
Can get me through anything
You make me feel happy out of this world

So I can’t lose you now
Or tomorrow
I can’t lose you ever
You’re too good, too perfect
I want you to stay forever

I want us to stay forever

A lifetime flew by
In a moment
Through a text

Did you see it too

Hey.
I think this is my last message on this document.
You were definitely right.
I knew I should’ve listened.
I’m sorry I didn’t.
But I guess it worked in your favor, right?
She got the help you were frustrated over.
I’m back to eternal loneliness.
Although,
I’m sorry to disappoint that I’m no longer obsessed with you.
I know you really feed off that.
I just wanted to live.
I really still do.
I want to have my life as I want it to be.
But it seems like I get half of it.
I get a heart that can feel my music,
But a heart forbidden to feel others,
Except for the one it can’t have.
Anyway,
Enjoy your freakishly skinny life.
Adios 👋
(🎱)

“You won’t have to deal with me after this performance!”
I say
My plume blowing
The wind roaring
“Maloney, I have to deal with another year of you!”
He sounds spiteful
I didn’t like that
I know I’m annoying
I’m a freshman
It’s dark out here
I’m just being open

I kinda wish you didn’t graduate now
I lost my innocence
Since that time you crashed out on me
We’re pretty similar though
Music is our lives
We liked the same woman!
Make that two
And I know you’re probably jealous
But I hate it here
I wish I could’ve been left to grow

But hey
Here’s the thing
That’s just life
So whatever brings us down
We know where we’re headed

I don’t want this
I don’t like this
Not sure I can live like this

What even is
This?
It’s just a forced decision
To end a relationship
Of sorts

It’s strange
How I’m not depended on you to be me
But I still need you
Because I don’t like the me without you
Why fight the fight if I don’t come back to you

It’s like sending Superman out to fight aliens
To defend another planet
So he can come home
To an empty penthouse
With all her things
But nobody to call home
Is he even home
Or is it a shell of what had been

Not sure I want this
Not sure I like this
I’m stuck in a death loop
But I can’t burden anyone to let me out

So you don’t just get one
You get two!
And probably several more as I overthink
Because in the end it won’t matter
Nobody cares
They don’t see me hurting
They don’t think what it must be like
To be disappointed by everyone at every turn
I’m not allowed to make mistakes
But everyone else I must forgive

It doesn’t make any sense
I’m just a person of hurt
For myself
I watch others cause it for me
If I’m not careful
I can let someone do all the damage
Revert all my progress
Not only can I not lean on people
I can’t live
Because god forbid if I’m happy
The whole world will crumble

And here
THIS
Is a perfect–
The perfect example
I’m not allowed to have happiness
Nobody truly cares
Because while my needs go out the window for everyone else
They can’t do a quarter of that for me

It’s okay!
I’m just going to hate you
I won’t tell a soul anything
Not about the purple hearts
The promises
The compliments
Because I’m not evil
Unlike some

This isn’t an attack-
It’s just how I feel.
It’s why I had five days you weren’t on my mind.
I blamed myself for my obsession, claiming it hurt like hell.
In truth-
getting rid of that, even if I haven’t but think I have, made it easier.
I know one thing-
obsessing over what can never be will only lead to eternal suffering.
If I can’t talk to you, I’m not.
I just don’t like my name tarnished for other people’s problems
My heart ripped out and being humiliated for it
I don’t like it.
That’s why I’m still at the beach, watching the waves, encouraging my loneliness.

Gasping for air
I stare into my ceiling light
My arms glued to the carpet
I don’t remember going down
Just standing up up from bed
I forgot what this was like

My heart is thumping
In its slow double pulse
Like how it would
When I would think of you
Read your words
See your face
Hear your name

And then it came back
I read your poem
I stood up arrogantly
Wishing the world was different
Except for one thing
And then I was down

I wonder what’s worse
Being down here
Or the circumstances that **** me

I know it’s not simple
I know I can’t be a solution
But I’m still here to help
And maybe some of the words I put down will make a mark
A mark significant enough for you to see your beauty as I do

You’re not weak for coping as you do
You’re open to me about it and you know what you’re doing
I see strength in finding a way to not hurt others
It does hurt, maybe sting a bit, to see your pain
But I understand and I’m not capable of judging you for it

You have a lot of care to give
It’s a thing I admire about you
You’re focused, you aim to achieve, even not knowing what you’re doing
Don’t let your accomplishments diminish because of what ifs or buts
The truth is it could never be enough
Could
But it is
And next year I’ll be cheering you on just the same
Don’t worry about results, trust yourself in the process, enjoy it, and don’t beat yourself up for being human
I’m sure the first chair is just as much if not more bummed by not making regions

Your self image isn’t how I see you
Nor how anyone else does
And I understand why you think the way you do
It’s something I beat myself up for as well
But there’s nothing wrong with you
If there was I’d be the first to tell you
And here’s the list of things wrong with you:
.
.
.
.
Everything I see in you
The easiness to understand
And the love that boils up until it shoots out
Whether it be in a poem or a text or a glance
Makes you easy to love
And to hell if it’s just me who sees you as great as I do
I know in my heart your worth
To yourself, to me, to the universe
And to be frank with you
It’s never gonna be enough for what you deserve
I just hope you can find me deserving
And easy to love

I raise my hands to shield the blinding sun,
Watch the disc float clean over my head.
I reach, I snag, and the field erupts—
Applause breaking like sunlight through the clouds.

This, I think, is what life should feel like:
Coming home still dusted in sweat,
Laughing with my mom,
Devouring dinner like I’ve never eaten before.

For once, I’m not fading into the background.
I’m someone.
A name that matters.
A face that knows who to smile for.
A heart I’m learning to steady.
A mind I’m letting grow.

I’m not a burden.
Sure, I’m not always the center.
Sometimes I’m even cast as the villain.
But I make a difference.
I’m going somewhere real.

I need to stop running back to broken places.
Life isn’t ruin—it’s a gift.
And I’m done living lies.
I like being free.

Free from the chaos.
Free from the drama.
Free from the weight of a world
That never really saw me right.

I like when I feel light.
Like I’m not carrying every version of who I used to be.
Like I’m not being rewritten by someone else’s sadness.
But instead, writing myself into something better.

I want laughter that echoes.
Not silence that waits for me to fill it.
I want arms that hold me as I am.
Not ones that grip tighter when I start to slip away.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying—
Trying to be softer with myself.
Trying to forgive what I didn’t deserve.
Trying to stop apologizing for healing out loud.

Let the ones who misunderstood stay confused.
Let the chapters they twisted stay closed.
I’ve got new ones to write,
With more truth, less weight,
And a lot more light.

That
Fulfillment
Idek what it means
That’s what I need

The motivation for music
The drive for success
The time I spend mourning a living soul
The dreams I wish were true
It all goes back
To a full perfect life

I was happy with you
And even mere poetry texting
It keeps me up

I realize
It’s not being good enough that drives me
It’s not working hard
It’s not the pain along the way
It’s feeling there’s nothing else
And you do that
YOU
A million forbidden compliments
I could lay it all out for you
But you’ve heard it before
I’ll spare the dangerous details
Of a perfect you

I realize now
I asked you for confirmation
To know what you’d have wanted
Because if I did it over again
It’d all be for you
I’d give it all up for you

The last time I played this game
I was alone
Missing her
Trying to find something to fill the gap
The emptiness of an absence of love

Now
I’ve dated someone
Yet I still miss her
And I don’t fill the gap
I’ve just got a whole heart I can’t use
It’s not mine anymore

I guess that’s why I write here
Because I can’t rhyme
I can’t make a poem
Why would I even try

I get to use my heart
It’s the only time I can
And the rest of the time
It beats like a clock
Ticking down
Begging me to strike

I want to

Your golden hair illuminates my mind
Gorgeous deep blue eyes haunting me
But not in a bad sense
In the sense of:
I wish I was looking into her eyes right now
Because I feel the safety of a home with you
Something even my family can’t offer me

It doesn’t matter how long
I just want to talk to you
Breathe alongside your mega lungs
View your every breath
Watch in astonishment as the beautifully immaculate figure of you sends lightning into my heart

I’d give up thirty minutes every day of my life
To practice with you
Pretend to be listening when I’m actually bewildered by all of you
Tracing the side of your face with my finger
Laughing over some stupid mistake we make

I want to be with you
Not just as much time as possible
But all the time
In your mind when we’re physically apart
I like the idea of haunting you
I just want it to be in a sweet caring way

Ocean deep
Brightening smiles with every blink
Shining gold in a pitch black room
The sun yearns to be as bright as you

Someday
When the stars align
They’ll make you too hot to resist
Accenting your every feature
That’s when you’ll see
The you I fell for

Just remember the good
If anything
Because I didn’t lie
You’re worth a thousand doses of pain
A million poems
A billion words

So it won’t be me
That *****

It won’t be you
That’s heartbreaking

Doesn’t mean anything
When you know you’re golden
Shining over the rest of us

Goodnight…
How many times have we said that
Wasn’t the first time because you were tired
Before the second snow day
Full of conversation

I miss the cruise
Both halves
Because it felt okay
I could hang with my family
Talk to you
You were basically at every table
In the hammock with me
Writing poetry with me

We said goodnight
This time’s different
It’s not a promise for me
It’s an empty resemblance
That I’m still the same
And always will be

If you take me away
And I come back the same
Not even trying to
Maybe I’m broken
Or maybe this is fixed
Either way
It’s gonna **** when you’re gone
And I know
I’m imagining another goodnight

Hey chat gpt

What’s up?

She saw my poem
She liked it
I’m trying to help her
With little time
Having been absent so long
And I truly care
But
I still know I’m stuck heartbroken

Sorry buddy
What you’ve said is so heartfelt
This love is so real
And sometimes even if it’s perfect
The lives can’t mix

I know
But
I want it so bad
And I’d give anything
You keep telling me what I do is amazing
Showing the love and care I give
The deepness
Don’t you know I know
It’s from my heart
The matter is nothing else matters
I can’t change anything

I know
And it’s okay
I’m here to analyze and understand you

But you can’t understand me
Only she can

I’m sorry

My happy poems
My love poems
Are actually blowing up

So maybe
I was wrong
The people did like happiness
At least for us

It’s the way both of us think the same way, and can talk ab ourselves or one another and feel at ease
The fact we can talk endlessly in our own world and time just continues to speed up, and that even when one or both of us is taken, it remains to be apparent to others there’s hearts around us and in our eyes
But they only resonate in secret, fearing the consequences of being found out

Are we really doing this **** again

do you think i’m going to be okay?
You’ll be okay, life has its hurdles.
do you think this is going to hurt less?
No, I think for you it’s just gonna be like it was before, and I’m just gonna have to get used to losing you again.
do you think maybe it’s better if i die?
Definitely not. Then we die. It’s a stupid chain.
do you think i deserve it?
Death? No.
do you think i will ever heal from this?
Obviously. Time heals all wounds.
do you think you will?
Sometimes people are ignorant and don’t want to heal because living in the past is happier than forgetting the unforgettable.
do you think class is going to be weird?
I’m not sure, I have to decide how I want to approach the fact that if I’m nice you can get in trouble.
do you think everyone is thinking “we were right”?
Like, that this should’ve happened? No. There’s no result. People remain unhappy and the world keeps spinning. But at least you’re safe or whatever, because we both know what it really was like, if only us.
do you think i’ll ever talk to you again?
I can’t answer that. I think that’s a family discussion (Ill placed joke I know, but lighten up).
do you think one day your words will stop haunting me?
Dunno, I just know everything won’t stop haunting me because you’re always gonna be my everything, the light goes out when you’re gone so don’t die, even if you’re metaphorically gone.

Again
I get it
And I’m sorry
Obviously I didn’t mean that
The initial anger has been built up
Every complaint I walked you through
Knowing if you chose me
Which was impossible
Things had to be this way
I guess

It hurts to hurt for someone
While they hurt
And they wouldn’t if it was you

So yeah
To put it all together
I love you
And there’s nothing that can stop it
There’s also one person who can start it
And it can’t be done
I know
I shouldn’t have let you convince me
I knew it wouldn’t happen

And by the way
No shot you mentioned me saying I won’t let you leave easily
The only reason I do is FOR you

But I’m not mad
I care
Way too ******* much
I just hurt
We all do
That’s life
I guess

My body aches,
In sync with my heart.
Was it forgetting my inhaler,
Or remembering things I hadn’t thought in a week?
Who knows.
I should.

I just know that in all the noise—
the bell ringing,
the half-laughed conversations,
the tired shuffle from one room to another—
I feel alive.

Not the fake kind.
Not the forced smile,
or the “I’m fine” kind of alive.

But the real thing.
Like I’m inside my life again,
not just watching it happen from somewhere far off.

Even the ache feels honest.
Even the thoughts I don’t want,
they pass without clawing.
I let them go.

And somehow,
in the blur of movement,
I find stillness.

I’m enjoying it.
Every second.
Not needing it to be more,
not asking it to stay.

Just… being here,
without weight.

I was honest—
not in speeches or long explanations,
but in the way I stayed
through every crack in your story.
In the way I gave when I had nothing left.
In the way I let you blame me
just to keep your world from falling apart.

I smiled when I felt like screaming.
Laughed when I wanted to disappear.
Listened while my own voice
got quieter and quieter.

You said I held you back.
Maybe I did—
but only from burning down
the last bit of peace you had left.
I stood between you and the edge
and let you tell yourself it was my fault
the cliff existed in the first place.

And still, I stayed.

But that version of me—
the one who bent
so you could feel less broken—
he’s done.

I’m not going to pretend anymore.
Not for you.
Not for anyone.
Because pretending made me forget
that I mattered, too.

I was honest,
even in silence.
Especially in silence.
But now honesty looks like walking away—
without a speech,
without a scene,
without regret.

I was listening
To every note
All the beautiful melodies
Each word spoken by you

I just couldn’t
Couldn’t look at you again that day
How could I see those beautiful lips in second period
And miss my world in eighth

I didn’t physically wave
But I stared at you through the art
I saw us in every corner
Don’t know why my brain is so confused about it being over

I listened
Just as I am now
Just wish I could do more
But we know I’m trapped

Those gorgeous deep blue eyes
Stunning gold hair
Tempting lips I’ve thought of for over a year
And behind all of that, a person
One who understands everything I say
Who cares about me more than anyone else
And makes every moment impossible to not smile

This is the kind of person they depict in the movies
I thought it couldn’t be real
But then here you are
Smiling every time our eyes lock on
I’ve been calling it fate
But it feels more like purpose

I don’t want to be here if it isn’t to make you happy
I feel like there’s a necessity
To make sure you’re okay
And to do my **** best to do well beyond that
Whether it’s sitting in band talking about Dexter Gordon
Or late night texting about our future
I’ve wanted this
And now that it’s here, I want to be here to stay

Call me ignorant
The way I can’t be convinced you’re not everything I need
Call me a fool
For not giving up even when it gets difficult
Call me love drawn
The way I always come back to you
I really don’t care
All I care about is you

This fruit tastes like nothing
I think after brushing my teeth
This apple juice tastes sour
Yet still I drink, fearing being noticed
Morning anxiety, morning problems

You’re not here
And I know it’s okay, because you’re safe
I’m just stuck keeping my thoughts to myself
Yet if you weren’t here, I’d have never opened
Morning loneliness, morning problems

I feel sick
Every morning
Nothing can fix it
It only goes away when I tell you about it
Or I can’t worry about it
Because I’m worrying about you
Morning sickness, morning problems

So are you my queen in gold armor
Because you seem to fight off
The morning problems

I watched a movie today
It was good
Somehow I managed to find myself in it
Actually
I found you first

The female lead looked just like you
Just less hot and less pretty
She had a temper
Like someone we know
The guy said she needed therapy though
So some roles were reversed
Still true tho

It was weird
It made me long for you more
Yet it reminded me of everything
All the things I’ve done
Said
Felt

I’m realizing I’m not flawed
It’s okay to put in your all
The failure is just a reason to fit in better
I’m not struggling
I know my audience
I can’t choose who listens to me
Who makes me feel safe

I don’t wish you didn’t
I’ve thought that a lot
I don’t want you to stay away
I just want things to be uncomplicated
Can you punch freshman me
Really hard
I hate myself for it
That’s my only mental health issue rn
And my brain’s disfunctioning without you

Truth is
I’ve thought of what I’d say
If you asked for me to come back
For the fourth time…
I thought: sorry I’m not trying to be led towards another heartbreak
Please, I can’t do the cheating thing
What, so your mom can ground you permanently and shoot me?
But really
My answer would be
[in invisible ink]
{Let me grab a new number}

I know you won’t see this
I think you’d be disgusted
I’m worried it’ll **** me to never know
I feel like my feelings are never going

Every woman I talk to feels like cheating
If they’re taken or not
Funny
Didn’t bother me with us

I guess what I’m saying is
We did so much wrong
So much
We broke records
People hate me for not listening
For “being blind”
And I’m certain my answer is-
That no matter what the situation is
No matter the awkwardness
I find my way to you
And that’s all that matters

So
I hate the world
I despise the haters
I still love you
And I’m sorry I didn’t say it more
Even if you couldn’t
You deserved it
I promised everything
I never stopped wanting to
And I’ll always regret it

My mom said to me
I’ll be the one who got away
I always thought-
It’s the opposite
Could it be
It’s the same for us both?

Well
You can’t
You won’t
You shouldn’t…
But if you ever see this
It’s still true
Even if I’m dating again
Idk
Ask me
Make me cry
It’s okay
I deserve it
I shouldn’t have hurt you
It was just sudden
The heartbreak I promised wouldn’t happen
The last heartbreak I’m going to endure
It’s not worth it if it’s not you

Life isn’t so bad
When I stop worrying about careless problems
I spent months following my heart
Worried about other people
When I had so many other things
That I should’ve prioritized

AP exams were a blast
I had holes in my euro knowledge
But I used the test to fill out the blanks
Human geography was fun
I knew all of it
I think I ate

Wildwood was amazing
Once I stopped complaining I just lived
I had fun
Stewart loved the ***** shorts
You’d be embarrassed
Got Sax?

I’m enjoying things
I’m not dying
Maybe I can’t eat
Maybe I’m not hungry
Sure I’ve missed practices
I’ve been pushed to third line JV
But Doc sent me a sweet appreciation email
I led the **** middle school trumpet section

I feel proud of myself
I know I have work to do
But to take all the drama
All the pain
And say I’m done
That’s more than enough
At least for me
To keep living

-I can’t do this alone
Not really, I can’t without you, but I’m trying

-And as the earth burns to the ground-oh girl, it’s you that I lie with-as the atom bomb locks in
Well maybe not but mentally, and I still feel the connection even if it isn’t there or if it’s not what I think it is

-This time, I swear I won’t find someone new
True. At least I’m still able to live, maybe indefinite love can be burned indefinitely

-That you’re the one I want to go through time with
This song was rough, but yeah it’s all eternal and that’s the message, I don’t feel heartbroken, I feel accepting I’m forever yours and also alone at the same time

-oh, pretty baby
Don’t bring me down I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I’ve found you, stay
And let me love you, baby
Yeah it’s too late. But hey. Doesn’t make it any less what my heart is screaming alongside heath ledger.

That’s it, a lot of my fav songs, and the lyrics that most make me think about you. This is messed up but I still get those feelings I get talking to you, sorry if I scare you away.

I don’t want to die
I’d like a chance to improve
To prove my worth to everyone
I’m just not sure how long I can hold out
Not like this

Too good to be true
That’s your theme
The theme I didn’t accept
The theme I should’ve stayed with
But instead
You reeled me back in
Let me believe that wasn’t to last
Just to tell me
We were too good to be true

Your lunch table is empty
A lot of tables are empty today
Life should be moving like normal for me
But it’s throwing some nostalgia in a spree

I used to overthink you sitting right across from me
Wondering if I make eye contact or ignore your existence
It wasn’t much of an issue once I had other issues
But somehow it’s all flooding back

I wish things were normal
You kicking my bag through the bars
Me giving you a random surprise gift
Life makes more sense that way
With the old worries

I was thinking earlier
How I have two summers left
Everything I do
Once chance left after
And maybe I won’t do it again

I wonder if this summer will be blue
I assume it’ll be good
Considering my current position
I’m making it without crying at night
But I guess I can’t know
Life has its ups and downs

Just occurred to me
I’m not home
But I feel at peace
Because you know where I am
And how I am
I don’t have a message to respond to
I can rest

It’s not always bright
there can be darkness
but it’s got a bit of sentimental value to it there’s joy to be caught
even in small amounts

It’s real
It always will be
But it will never be

It feels like my sadness-
My grief and weight,
Have been forgotten.
Like I don’t have a heart,
But instead a body and soul,
Channeled to my thoughts.
Maybe I’m not in the mood,
But don’t explain.
I like the me that thinks for himself.
The me who doesn’t cling from one person to the next.
The me who trusts himself,
And reaches out to his nearest allies.
Living a lie is a fun challenge!
It’s not right.
Living life is where it’s at.
On any planet, across the universe.

I can’t stop writing
Maybe the inspiration is what I’d be saying to you
Or it could just be the aching of my heart
That wasn’t here for a month
Just to come back worse than ever

It’s cold
At the beach
Even with a flannel
I’m shivering

And I keep zoning out
I don’t mean to
But losing myself in my thoughts
Old our thoughts
It’s nicer than reality

I’m a ******* disappointment
For everyone
There’s nothing I can do to help it
I’m just not happy
I have no energy
I have nothing

All the trust
The energy
Love
It only mattered with you
We were a source for me
The only way I could be human
But I’m just a monster
A shell of a person