I’m torn
My friends hate me
My name is being gossiped
I asked what I should do
I was instructed to stay quiet
“I was instructed to stay quiet”

This *****
How do I support a friend
Going through a really rough time
While people blame me
I don’t even care!
About the drama
The dumb band positions
It doesn’t matter

Why am I
Falling victim
Of others’ conflicts

Can I please get a breather
Can the hate texts stop
Can everyone look at me without disgust

I can’t argue
I can’t tell the truth
I can’t defend my friend

I’m torn
In all parts
Left to rot
Like I couldn’t matter
Like I don’t have a soul

I thought this year was horrible
But the more I think about it
I wish I could go back
Not to change my decisions
But to relive it one more time
Knowing things will change
But accepting the beauty of it

I don’t miss her
But sometimes I want a good argument
Sometimes I want the doorbell to ring
Some days I wish I wasn’t in bed alone
And it’s my choice what to do about it
Doesn’t mean I didn’t like it

I miss my friends
And not because I want to hang out
We don’t endlessly call anymore
We don’t make fun of random people
I don’t have my support pals

I miss the musical chaos
Of going to pit every day
Marching band terrors
Learning the jazz band soli
Auditioning for districts
I miss district jazz the most
I loved being with people who knew-
What they were doing-
And what they wanted to do
I miss district band
Resting on her shoulder
Playing classically
The moments were surreal

I want life to be normal
But I don’t want it to change
I wish it could all work out
Like it was

One day
I’m going to tell you I love you
And it won’t be a text
It won’t be in invisible ink
It’ll be to your face
Holding you
And until then
I’ll dream of it every night

I’ll whisper your name before I sleep-
Like a promise
I’ll respond to you first in the morning-
Because you’re the first priority
Just please
Please don’t go again
This time I’m not letting you leave
This time
I’ll be yours
And you’ll be mine

You’re not in danger.
You’re not hurt.
You’re just not here.

And still—
my chest folds like a paper map
creased where your name used to lie.
The silence grows teeth at night,
soft ones,
but they bite.

I know you’re somewhere safe.
Maybe smiling.
Maybe lost in a thought I’ll never hear.
And I don’t want to take that from you.
I just want you near.

When you leave,
it’s not disaster.
But the air doesn’t settle right.
I wait—
not because I’m desperate—
but because nothing fits
without your weight.

I tell myself you’ll be back,
that this is just space,
not distance.
But my hands don’t listen.
They reach anyway.
They always do.

There’s no storm.
No sirens.
Just a slow drip of maybe,
of soon.
Of hoping the next time I blink,
it’ll be you
walking back through the room.

The sun came down
My body adjusting to the temperature
Eyes adjusting to the darkness
Muscles adjusting to the wear of marching

I feel proud of myself
Something I typically can’t do
The day might be nearing an end
But it’s been full of surprises

I sped the way home
Watching the road turn into blotches of color
Hearing the car roar shifting into third

I didn’t feel fake
I threw away the mask
I became me-Sean
I lived my life-it was worth it

The voices are everywhere
Yet only audible to me
It’s like the world just stopped spinning
Leaving me slowly drifting off the ground

Nobody to talk to
Nothing to open up about
No private notes to share
Just waiting for days to pass by

I wonder what I live for
And I think I know the answer
But does it matter
She’s not here for 120 hours

I trace your name across the night sky,
but the stars already know your name.
There’s no way to know for certain which direction you are,
so I spend enough time staring at each angle,
hoping we lock eyes for a second.

Sure I couldn’t tell you how much I miss you,
but I definitely couldn’t describe just how much I love you.
My morning rays of sunshine,
my reliable best friend,
my most comforting night pillow.

I used to think your name like a plea,
Now I come running into your warm embrace.
For my one and only,
my sweet baby,
I love you,
forever and always.

I hold two things close to me in life

Music
The thing I plan to pursue
My goals and accomplishments

And her
The person I love most
My dreams and safe place

Music makes me feel one with my instrument
I’m no longer
Myself
I can be something more
I can be the notes
Bouncing off the walls
Vibrating across the building

But she makes me feel warmth
A warmth nothing else can
A warmth I’ve longed for so long
And now-
That desire is replaced with her
Every time I fall, or jump, or even sit still-
I want her to be there-
To pick me up, or congratulate me, or sit next to me

I like making the saxophone sound warm and fuzzy
It’s my favorite sound to make
My favorite feeling is similar-
It’s the warm fuzziness my heart swells with when she’s here

My two most important things in life
Are music and love
Often intertwined
But don’t be fooled
I’d give up the music in a heartbeat-
To keep this specific love
One where our hearts beat deeper than any metronome can

I love her more than life itself
And to be honest-
I’d fight for her over myself
It’s just how I love her, and only her

I’m dumb
I shouldn’t have let us forget
We’re hurting people
It’s not in our nature to have it good
Dreams are nice
And I’ll hold on to that
But reality is scary
It never remains

Currently
We’re in uncharted territory
With things ending last April
And this past April
Summer was never us
But now we get to fix that

No more crying at night with no one there-
No one to understand
No more seeing you in every room-
Just to remember I won’t see you till band camp

It might be the start to a new era
But there’s something more
Maybe it’s the path to a new normal

I don’t understand
Why does everything have to be drama
Like I don’t enjoy this
I’d rather not cry alone
It was all I wanted
But now that it’s here
I just want it gone

I’m looking forward
To the beaming stadium lights
Performing in a warm summer night
Feeling my sunburn prickle off my face as I smile

So many memories
Reduced to tears
Yet here I am
Still alive

I miss the constant memories
Each hall filled with still life
Of tapping on display cases
Slamming water fountains

At the same time
I dreaded each memory
Because I thought the past was so great
In reality
Life doesn’t change
Just the things we have

My body aches,
In sync with my heart.
Was it forgetting my inhaler,
Or remembering things I hadn’t thought in a week?
Who knows.
I should.

I just know that in all the noise—
the bell ringing,
the half-laughed conversations,
the tired shuffle from one room to another—
I feel alive.

Not the fake kind.
Not the forced smile,
or the “I’m fine” kind of alive.

But the real thing.
Like I’m inside my life again,
not just watching it happen from somewhere far off.

Even the ache feels honest.
Even the thoughts I don’t want,
they pass without clawing.
I let them go.

And somehow,
in the blur of movement,
I find stillness.

I’m enjoying it.
Every second.
Not needing it to be more,
not asking it to stay.

Just… being here,
without weight.

You said
You were looking for a friend
Am I
Suitable for the (boy)friend you got

I see our poems trending
The ones we wrote about us
Secrets to never be spoken of again
Even between us

It hurts
To know that people supported us
To know people liked us
Because they knew us
The way we knew us

So in the end
Anyone could see the love
It’s just those that feared it
I don’t know why they fear me
I’m no Heisenberg
Couldn’t hurt a fly
Drink a sip of alcohol
Hell I couldn’t even beg you to stay

Something feels missing
Right now - it’s you
And in a few hours
Probably all my energy
Then in the morning
I’ll lose the calm of rest

I wish I could stay asleep
My mouth doesn’t hurt when I do
My brain imagines a world without surgery
And my heart puts you in every moment
It’s a nice touch
Just makes me go crazy waking up
Feels like that world is missing

I miss messages!
All the goofy things we’d send
I miss snap
The poetry, the drawings, the funny filters
Now it’s just insta
I don’t even use insta
But you’re worth it
So I use it for you

Yknow what’s missing
The ideal world
I don’t think everyone’s is the same
But I think ours is
And two is much better than one
So I can promise one thing
Whatever’s missing
I’m gonna make sure it isn’t missing forever

So you don’t just get one
You get two!
And probably several more as I overthink
Because in the end it won’t matter
Nobody cares
They don’t see me hurting
They don’t think what it must be like
To be disappointed by everyone at every turn
I’m not allowed to make mistakes
But everyone else I must forgive

It doesn’t make any sense
I’m just a person of hurt
For myself
I watch others cause it for me
If I’m not careful
I can let someone do all the damage
Revert all my progress
Not only can I not lean on people
I can’t live
Because god forbid if I’m happy
The whole world will crumble

And here
THIS
Is a perfect–
The perfect example
I’m not allowed to have happiness
Nobody truly cares
Because while my needs go out the window for everyone else
They can’t do a quarter of that for me

It’s okay!
I’m just going to hate you
I won’t tell a soul anything
Not about the purple hearts
The promises
The compliments
Because I’m not evil
Unlike some

“Her eyes are gorgeous”
A real thought flashed in an instant,
As she looked at me,
Seeming eager to be partners.

I wonder,
“Does the hot sophomore want anything to do with me?”
But it’s not like I have a choice.

“Seannn” she says,
Like it’s a secret password to my heart,
And it worked.
I was open from then on.

And here we stand,
Back to back,
Me slowly pressing my back into yours,
Wondering if you notice.
And you step on my foot time to time,
Making me overthink,
“Is this really happening”
“Am I being stupid”
“What do I say”

And so I do the only thing I know how to.
I laugh.
And it makes you laugh.
And your laugh,
Sent me into spirals,
Resulting in lots of down the field stairs,
And who would’ve thought,
Love poems.

My heart threw a tantrum
Wailing through anxiety for days
Until it got tired
Until it missed the love

I used to long for the warmth
Now it seems I can’t escape from it
And it’s not that I want to
It wasn’t used to switching back for a moment

But I think it’s cooled down
I’ll manage the rest on my own
It’s my turn to deal with pain
Simple as that

I thought I was crazy-
Being messaged about my poems
About heartbreak!
-And feeling something real
A connection that lingered in my mind
One that danced around my heart

One minute it was a spark
The next-
Or ten messages later
-it was a flame

So when I say I feel it too
When I say I like you
When I say you’re stuck in my head
When I say you’ve found the door to my heart
When I say I missed you more than you know
Believe me-I think I need you to

I get that
Hold back on the cutting
For me
It’s all I can ask of you

And if you really believe that
There’s really one answer
Because I’m not letting you die
I may not be able to do anything
But I’m not leaving if you’re stuck here too
**** the haters
If there’s a will there’s a way

He was mid-sentence when a sharp pain cut through his body. His eyes dropped in confusion. A knife was sticking out of his stomach, the blade stained red. For a second, he didn’t understand. His mind tried to catch up, but the pain was too sudden, too real.

“W-what…?” he whispered.

Then the knife twisted.

A cry escaped him as the pain surged. It knocked the air from his lungs, made his knees weak. Breathing hurt. Thinking hurt. And then, just as fast, the knife was pulled out. The pain didn’t stop — it got worse.

He pressed a hand against the wound, trying to hold himself together. When he pulled it away, his palm was soaked in blood.

“Blood…” he said quietly, as if saying it would make it make sense. His head started to spin.

He turned, forcing his eyes to focus. That’s when he saw her. The person who had stabbed him.

Someone he knew. Someone he trusted.

His body gave out and he collapsed. The ground hit harder than he expected, sending a shock through him. Lying there, he struggled to keep his eyes open.

She was human, just like him. That was what stuck with him. Not the pain, not the blood — the fact that she chose to do this.

And he couldn’t figure out why.

He knew he wouldn’t make it. There was no one to help, no one to stop the bleeding. He was alone.

There was no anger in him. Just confusion, sadness… and a kind of quiet fear. Not knowing what he meant to her anymore. Not knowing why this had to happen.

He looked up at her one last time. His voice barely came out, but she heard him.

“Did you just twist me out of your life?”

I’m scarred
From head to toe
But not with circles or lines
No, my mind wouldn’t let me do that
No matter how hard I try
Blade against the skin-
My body trembles
I keep trying to do something
But all of me says no
Let the pain linger on its own

It doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could
My methods don’t really help
What does a fist covered in blood do-
Knuckles begging for a wall to cool off in
I don’t even have anger
I just like the way it stings and burns
And how I can look at myself and see pain
Not just feel it

I miss you-
But you just went to sleep

I miss you-
But you were here 4 minutes ago

I miss you-
But we were just day dreaming the future

I miss you-
But I feel your words like a delicate touch

I miss you-
But I know I still love you

I miss you-
But I can’t wait for tomorrow, for you

I miss you,
But you’ll wake up to this message

I miss you,
But even so,
When the sun rises,
While kids dread their final exams,
We’ll be here,
Soaking in our own rays of sun,
Like a hot tub of love,
For just the two of us to bathe in,
Washing us clean of our time apart

I miss you now,
I’ll miss you tomorrow night,
But I won’t miss you forever-
How could I,
Soon enough we’ll be together everywhere,
Unable to be split apart,
Unwilling to leave

I tell you it a lot, I know
But I love you so much
Girl it’s like an instinct
Your words leave me vulnerable
But it isn’t bad
And only for you-
Only for you would this be okay
Because I know deep in my heart-
Love is ours

Sunlight changes people
Some get burnt all over
Others tan until they look like another person
But I think she’s got it best
Every detail I love about her-
It shines

Her blue eyes reflect the world in front of her
Her skin appears closer, and smooth
Her hair becomes golden like sunlight
And her words travel across the heat
Making every muscle in my body quiver

I might have golden hair and eyes
But you’re the true gold, girl
I don’t think I’d be gold at all-
Not without my lovely ray of sunshine

I’ll write you all the time
Anytime
For the rest of the time if you wish
Not to spam your main page


I want this too
I didn’t need it
But god do I wish I deserve it
We work like no other pairing

Right now
Your sweet messages make me smile at my phone
I smile reading poems for me
I smiled when hidden feelings were reflected

But I know you’re not a rebound
You made me feel okay in a world of chaos
You didn’t cover my ears and change the story
You made life a goal-and something to enjoy

I don’t just accept you
I choose you
I may have refrained from saying you’re pretty
But there’s no need for that dear

My favorite color is purple
No I’m not a girl!
I have a poem about it
You can find the darkness and everything else

I have strange quips
But am I excited to show you more real me
I’ve been dying to be real with someone
No hiding truths just full honestly and emotion

I do have an honesty problem
No I don’t lie
I can’t stop telling the truth
But I imagine we’ll be okay with that

Honestly?
We’re poor- I can’t drive very far confidently
I’d probably want to take you everywhere tho
But I think you wanted answers

I can see us affording reasonable food
Let me get all the doors for you though
You have no need to touch even a car door handle
It’s my pleasure to get it for you

Oh but I’d love to take you home with me
To say I’ve found you
We could watch a movie then
Or start a show for us

But don’t be fooled
I’d just want reasons to spend more time-
More time with an amazing woman
And that, is you, Lillith

600 I love yous
600 different meanings
600 of the same intent

Where did that go
I don’t know
I just miss the afterglow

Marching today was
An experience
Pretending life was different
Ignoring the signs
Just living like I’m alive

I got burned a bit on my right side
Funny though
The sun wasn’t there-
Well unless
Unless I got burned by the steaming hot girl marching next to me
Probably

I need sunglasses to look directly at her
(Yet I still stare)
Couldn’t touch her directly
(But I still did)
Shouldn’t talk to her
(It was impossible to try to stop)
Told not to love her



I think that’s my decision
And it’s pretty clear
If I wanted to I would’ve
Even if I’m trapped

Too good to be true
That’s your theme
The theme I didn’t accept
The theme I should’ve stayed with
But instead
You reeled me back in
Let me believe that wasn’t to last
Just to tell me
We were too good to be true

I asked AI
The trolley problem
It chose changing tracks
That got me thinking

If an AI system
Built to be fully ethical
Would choose several lives over one
Knowing it’s choosing death
Does that mean decisions don’t have to benefit everyone else?

My whole life
I put myself down for others
In every decision
I handed over solos
Let people go
It wasn’t for me
It was for everyone else

Now I’m thinking
What my life can be if I change that
Maybe the way to do so isn’t resurfacing the past
And breaking every ethical law in existence
Maybe it’s to build a new future

So I’m switching out my friends
For ones who actually care and understand
Who support everything I do

I’m putting effort into fixing my family
It never really was that bad to fix
It felt impossible because I had so many problems

What even are problems
I think they’re useless
No life lesson has problems
Sure there are limitations, and motivators
Not making an audition just means working harder though
There’s always next time

I spent so much time
Worrying about me
While I worked for others
Deciding against my own health


I’ll never be okay
Never alright or bien
But I can be me
I can lose useless problems
I can learn what healthy supporting is

I didn’t expect to ever cry reading your letter
Especially not this soon
It’s too soon
It still smells like you

I have a lot of time
We have a lot of time
Maybe not the way I desire
But I’d rather be here
And help you
Having you here to support me
While nobody else does

I’d rather this
Than the pain of being without
Because alone is one thing-
Without you is torture
Why split up two people-
So right for one another

So I sit
Stationary
Here for anything
Here for nothing
Whatever you want
I’m ready to give

I don’t care what people think
What they would think
What can happen
I just don’t want us to be split up
Or to be hurt by being split again

Something like a cursed title
Everyone who takes that label in my life-
Either hates me or left me

Well-
Except for one
But she’s not my bestie really
She’s my lover
Does it still count?

Ocean deep
Brightening smiles with every blink
Shining gold in a pitch black room
The sun yearns to be as bright as you

Someday
When the stars align
They’ll make you too hot to resist
Accenting your every feature
That’s when you’ll see
The you I fell for

Just remember the good
If anything
Because I didn’t lie
You’re worth a thousand doses of pain
A million poems
A billion words

So it won’t be me
That *****

It won’t be you
That’s heartbreaking

Doesn’t mean anything
When you know you’re golden
Shining over the rest of us

Nobody could get me
How it’s worth it to plant my feet
But really I just follow my heart
It’s a very clear path

I think your pinkies will ******* fall off

I’m going to **** myself
I don’t know when
I don’t know how
I don’t know why

Some random day
In a soon to be known season
I’m going to be so alone
Like I am right now
And I’ll have had enough

No more endless supporting-
Without any support
No more backlash drama-
While I try to live day by day

Nobody gets it
How hard it is
And I’m just done
I can’t handle the anger
I’m not even allowed to be angry
What a **** double standard

“Emotionless”
“Dead inside”
“Careless”

I grew up believing that’s who I was
I’m not a person
I live to fit in
I fit in to have a life

Today I felt different
I felt warmth
Talking to my grandmother
Playing a sax piano duet with my other grandmother

I didn’t feel alone
But I always feel alone
My depression silenced
I became an anxious boy with a heart

I realize now
I wasn’t broken
My heart was waiting
Till it could beat purple

I think I’ve always wanted security
My anxiety eats at anything uncertain
So I ask a million questions
Hoping the answers calm me

But I don’t think the chaos is avoidable
Maybe my nights of crying are deserved
It’s for the lore
Intended to make me who I will be

I’m so broken
Don’t even kid yourself
I can take a hello and make it like a goodbye
Everything in my head is wrong

I’ve always wondered why many others live
Why they don’t slowly die- like me
But I think I realize now
It’s how I was built

I’m a bundle of scraps
Fused falsely to form a half being
My parts strong in the worst ways
I can never escape the torment of uncertainty

I wish I could just hurt myself
Save me the pain I build in my whole body
The thoughts that won’t quit
Why do I make little things everything

I have cool traits
So see me as great
But they’re all baits
To lure me to a good fate

You exist like a thought I never meant to say out loud-
but now that I have, I can’t imagine silence without you.

You say maybe I’ll find someone else filling-
But I say baby,
If there’s someone else waiting,
My answer is I have a lady.

You’ve expressed your doubts,
And I hear your thoughts,
However you hit all the spots-
My heard had kept hidden in knots.

To be honest- you complete me,
So much all I think of saying is true,
So here’s something I can guarantee-
I love you

I can’t stop writing
I don’t care about getting a zero in this ****** class
I couldn’t care less about English
Because I can’t care about myself anymore

I only wish for one thing
An easy way out
Thank you!!
For making my life hell again

You could’ve left it at the spring and summer blues
You didn’t need to make the fall heartbreak terminal
And DEFINITELY not now
You didn’t need to take my heart a year later
**** April
Is that like a lucky month for you
You gotta break Sean’s heart in April right??

But it’s okay
I really don’t care
I just hope you enjoy it
Every cut
Every moment you think of me
I ask one thing okay
Remember who did this
And I’m going through it
More than you could fathom
Don’t feel sorry
It’s on you
You can’t help it
I suffer for you
Isn’t that enough

It’s so fair
For you
Because you just let life decide for you
Everyone else I mean
And maybe one day they won’t be life and you'll be alone
Then we’ll finally be twinning
Because that’s where I belong
Because of you
And I wonder if that means you do too
Sean the loner
Cool
Thanks for the title
Master manipulator
(Who can’t make a single decision to not hurt anyone)

Forget
Because I’m not worth it
Because everyone is telling you to
Because if you do I won’t have to look into your eyes and wish it was different
I’m sick
I can’t get these thoughts out of my head
I’m so lost
It’s just dumb at this point
The fact I was so obsessed
And am
But will never be heard

And obviously you heard me
But what’s the point
What can ya do when your whole world says no
My world said yes
I wish that was enough

My stomach is turning inside out
I can taste the morning sickness
I couldn’t tell you why this happens
Just what managed to make it unnoticed

I understand
It’s just killing me
I can’t be there
That’s all I want to be

Tears won’t come
No matter how hard I try
The last time I could was in March
Since then I haven’t felt alone
Even when I am

I guess it’s what I get
The quiet peace of a falling world
Crumbled dreams
Fantasies destroyed

When I say I love you,
I don’t mean I just love you,
Your beauty,
Your talent,
Your dedication

I mean I love the way you accept me,
Even when nobody else can

I love whatever feeling you’re having,
Because I have the chance to know it

I love the way you tell a story,
It feels like I knew all of it from the start

I love the way you look at me,
Telling me our love will always last

I love the way you let me support you,
Even when it’s too hard to speak on

I love the way you love me,
You make every moment a gift to always remember

When I say I love you,
I mean I love all of you,
Every moment-every laugh-every cry,
I love every second you choose me,
I love being your first,
I love you Lizie

Just occurred to me
I’m not home
But I feel at peace
Because you know where I am
And how I am
I don’t have a message to respond to
I can rest

My writing has changed
It changes with you

When you’re here
When you’re not
When you’re close
When you’re far

What it doesn’t do
Is forget about you
How could it
You’re all I think about

Every morning
Before I spit out the blood
I wonder how you’re doing
I message to see if you’re up
You always are
And I’m here to talk to
About any issues

And every night
No matter the depression score
Tell me everything
Because I couldn’t stand to not know
Well-
I couldn’t stand to not help

You matter
We matter
Don’t leave me
Don’t lie
Be honest
That’s how I can help best

I’m too tired
To process
I’m just gonna keep doing this

I do blame you
Like actually
In my mind

I’m writing my thoughts right now

So you wondered what my overthinking was

It’s like this

Except you made it under representing
Of how I should be thinking
Because you couldn’t be good

Thanks for that

Burning
Dreadful
Sickening
Fearful

My anxiety slowly eats at me
It consumes my stomach first
Then it reaches for my mind
Before it attacks my heart

That’s when she steps in
My princess
My baby
My…savior?

Yes we heard it right
My dearly beloved
Whom I’ve sworn to never hurt
Has saved me from my sea of emotions

That pains turns to a void
The nausea slowly fading
And my fear-
Becomes barrels of love

I’m not sure why I am how I am
I just know she loves me for all of me
I’m not sure why she hates parts of her
I love her the same way

She’s tall
She’s fearless
She’s strong
She’s mine

And when I’m in desperate need
When I need a hero
I don’t even have to call
She comes flying