Burning
Dreadful
Sickening
Fearful

My anxiety slowly eats at me
It consumes my stomach first
Then it reaches for my mind
Before it attacks my heart

That’s when she steps in
My princess
My baby
My…savior?

Yes we heard it right
My dearly beloved
Whom I’ve sworn to never hurt
Has saved me from my sea of emotions

That pains turns to a void
The nausea slowly fading
And my fear-
Becomes barrels of love

I’m not sure why I am how I am
I just know she loves me for all of me
I’m not sure why she hates parts of her
I love her the same way

She’s tall
She’s fearless
She’s strong
She’s mine

And when I’m in desperate need
When I need a hero
I don’t even have to call
She comes flying

The world-
Cruel,
Unjust,
Dark

Us-
Bright,
Passionate,
Hopeful

I don’t care what it thinks
What it tries to do to stop us
We’re working against the world
And still,
you’re the only thing that makes sense

I can’t promise painless
I won’t fight reality
I’m not perfect
But I can try my **** best for you

So send the battles my way
I’ll do my best to help
Maybe I won’t be much
But I can hope to be enough

I live life on the edge
No wonder everything about me is spontaneous
Yet there’s always one constant-
You

Whether I like you-
Or love you
Worry about you-
Or care for you
I’m here
That’s not changing

I can’t even care anymore
About anything
I just wish the pain to be gone
But I know it’ll never go
Just *****
That you had to be worth it like that
But not for a good reason

Eliza... if you're thinking of ending it, I'm not gonna push you-but I am going to be honest. I want you to stay. I want you with me. And if some part of you wants that too
-if this thing between us feels as real to you as it does to me-then maybe it's worth choosing. I see you completely, and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to be sure about everything right now, just about how you feel in this moment. And if that's me-
I'm here.

Such a simple phrase
A phrase I’ve heard said so many times
I never understood it mattered
I never understood until I knew you

You make my heart flutter with every breath
Each glance makes my chest warm and fuzzy
And I love how you do that
You’re like a magical lover

We say I love you
And I mean I’m just so **** in love with you
I’m in love with the fact you’re with me
I’m in love with the thought of you feeling the same

Sure we miss one another
But I love that too
Every second you’re gone-you’re still here
Like you said- we’re a forever thing

I can’t stop saying I love you
But it isn’t a plea
I say it because I love that it’s true
I say it because I know you love me

I don’t crash on you because you cause it
I crash on you because you’re the only person I can trust with me

My ill timed crashes aren’t because of you
They’re delayed because you stop me

I go to sleep feeling loved
That’s what you have to blame yourself for

I don’t blame you for being real with me
I accept, understand, embrace all of you

I know I wasn’t here
I’m trying to be
I just don’t want to mess up
I don’t want us to run into problems

I’m scared
I have one vulnerable point in my life
And that’s being stressed
It makes me feel sick

But it’s okay
I still love you
And I miss you baby
I hope you’re getting better

There’s this curve in your smile
that feels like sunrise-
not the blinding kind,
but the kind that just… shows up.
Slowly,
softly,
and all of a sudden I realize
I’m not cold anymore.

Your laugh-
it’s the kind of sound
that makes the world forget
it ever tried to break me.
It floats through the air
like it knows
it’s the best thing it’s ever carried.

And then there’s me.
Just orbiting you.
Nervous.
Tripping over my words,
saying too much or not enough
but feeling more alive than I’ve ever been.
You make now feel like the only thing that matters.

Because every time I look in your eyes,
it’s not just you I see.
I see home.
I see late nights and quiet mornings
I haven’t even lived yet.
I see a truth I didn’t know I needed
until the moment you looked back.

You’re always here.
Even when you’re not.
Even in the silence.
You’re still the one thing
that doesn’t shift.
And for the first time,
time doesn’t feel like it’s running out.
It feels like it’s with me.
Because you are.

There once was a girl,
A very special girl
I thought she was everything,
And at the same time,
Too perfect
I couldn’t see myself with her
She was taller,
She was stunning,
She made people smile and laugh,
She left good impressions
She was out of my league

But soon I learned,
There’s no such thing as incompatible,
Not for us
She let me in,
Making me filled with nerves,
Even sending me to the hospital for anxiety!
But still,
Every moment felt like a dream,
My depression sank until it left my soul,
And all I felt was her presence,
Slowly growing an unwavering love

But,
Me being the idiot I am,
I let her go
I thought she deserved better,
And she’d like being with someone,
Not waiting with someone
Until hours turned to days,
Days turned to weeks,
Weeks into months,
And all I did was miss her
I just wanted her back
And when I locked eyes with her,
When I felt her presence next to me in the sun,
I could feel it in the air,
In the sun reflecting off her beautiful skin,
We weren’t meant to end here

And so I gave her my all,
Loving her deeper through everything,
Until the day she asked me,
“Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened, had we stayed together”
I knew
I couldn’t mess this up again
I loved her harder than ever
And she did too
Every goodnight like a promise,
Each Goodmorning a sign of trust and care

Now
My dream girl,
Who really couldn’t exist
My baby I couldn’t have,
Because she’s all I need
All I want,
All I can think of desiring
Is mine
She lets me know it,
And I’m sharing this,
Just to let her know,
I love her too

******* in knots
Spewing nausea in an endless stream
Keeping my head in the dark
That’s my stomach for you

I can’t stand tennis without keeling over
Couldn’t finish half a meal
My mom thinks I need a job
What would I know, I’m in the dark

Maybe I should try therapy- again
Let someone tell me my life as it is
Then at least I won’t be alone 23.8 hours a day
I think that’d be nice

I miss having people to cope with
Now it’s just one or the other- or none
Everyone is growing distant-
Like my ex best friends

But how would I know
I’m in the dark
Waiting for something to shine down-
To take me out of the dark

A concept I never thought real,
One I believed I’d never know,
Something I longed to have.

And now that I do,
I’m learning everyday,
What makes it true.

The ever longing feeling when we’re apart,
The butterflies I get being next to you,
How everything fades out when I see you,
That sensation when our eyes lock.

True love isn’t lust,
It isn’t being crazy obsessed,
It isn’t even caring too much.

True love is choosing a person,
Even when you think you shouldn’t,
And returning to it,
No matter what stands in the way.

I live a life with true love each day,
Thinking about them more than I do myself,
But most importantly,
Standing ready to return at a moment’s notice.

My walls are clean
My walls were clean
Does blood count as clean
As they drip down the dents and cracks

I leave my fists to dry
But they beg for more
Until I’m no longer sitting in just tears
My tears-my blood-my filth

They don’t leave marks
Just swollen knuckles
I say I hit the wall playing vr
Nobody sees me plucking paint chips from wounds

I cried
Hard
Sure it happens every night
I didn’t expect the school parking lot
Certainly not my own car

He said-
We’re expecting-
A three letter appearance
And I knew-
It was to throw **** in our faces

So I left
I sobbed in my car
Feeling helpless-
Being alone

And I yelled-cried the whole way home
Four minutes
But four minutes of honesty

Then I let myself rot
I felt like ****
I’m not sore though
I wish my body took a bit longer to adapt

And I read a poem
A nice poem
A relatable poem
A poem that made me cry-
But in a sympathetic way

Because even now
In two worlds destined to be apart
We’re still as close as ever
Still feeling the same pain

Maybe it won’t be us
But you’ll always be my Laura
Just remember when I don’t cuss
That started with you, Eliza

What am I to do
When you left me
What am I to say
When I don’t want any more pain

I found out last night
Your sister is obsessed
With gossiping about me
Posting pictures of me

I know you wouldn’t tell her to stop
I’m not mad
I’m understanding of circumstances
I see I’m not worth two words

But you can’t do the same
I live on without you
I keep quiet about my pain to survive
I’m not honest with you because you’re gone

Can’t you see it’s the same for me
I see you smiling and talking
I was hopeful you were happy
But I can’t help what doesn’t ask for it

This isn’t fair
You live in your mind
And you blame me
Like my love never existed

This isn’t fair
Every minute I watch myself be used
Gossiped and put in a horrible light
It kills me every night

I can’t give up
But hell do I want to
I don’t blame you
I just wish you loved me the same way


You won’t see this
I pray that you could
Because I still don’t blame you
I can’t explain for you to understand

I fell
And as I did
The world spun around me
I think the stars were trying to say something-
Oh never mind
I can’t see them-I’m inside
So what were those things..
Maybe it’s air
Maybe it’s hope
Whatever it is
It’s in sight
But out of reach-
So is my ability to get up
So is the handle to my bedroom door
And so is the life I liked living

Murderer
Murderer
Murderer
A word I can’t get out of my head
A murderer is moving back into my house

Could he just disappear again
Jail, apartment, the street
I really don’t have a preference
Just find a place for the lunatic

Obviously I don’t sympathize
But I used to have his anger
It took me years to contain mine
Yet he feels good even yelling at his kids

We didn’t have the same experience
He lost his mother
A person he lived with for two extra years
Someone he could never support-
Not with money nor words
I lost a grandmother I couldn’t seem to stop caring about
Not in the five years she came to live with us
Yet she hated me
A grandchild who did nothing but care
I wanted to know her and learn her stories
But she pushed me aside like I was too much
Well
I’m depressed, close to failing grades
I have one dream and I don’t know where it ends
Am I bad enough for you now?

There’s a lot of space between us
Even so
I wished you’d hear the engine spattering
My foot lifting off the clutch slightly too quick

There’s a lot of space between us
Yet you’re still on my mind
Good, bad, longing thoughts-
I can’t seem to shake off

There’s a lot of space between us
But you’re still filling my heart
Making the world bright and purple
Lifting me up inside

That space between us
It echoes in my soul
Pounding through my chest
Trembling across my fingers

The space between us
Isn’t a lovely thing
But somehow-
It’s still pure

I was venting
In all honesty
I have no one to talk to
I’m alone yet again
It’s fine
I knew it was hard, and believe what you want, I’m just hurt that every time I open up it gets thrown in my face
It’s not your fault obviously
You could’ve done something, but it wouldn’t be worth the risk
Forget me
I’m just a lost cause
In every reality
Except the one I wish was true

Keys
MY keys
For MY car
My brother in the passenger seat
Of MY car
My mom in the back seat
Still my car!

I pray first gear will be smooth
Somehow everyone’s head stayed still
I shift to second
Can’t win all your battles…
But I’m smiling
Not because I know where I’m going
I know who I’m going to

We pull in to the Wa
I’m not sure if I locked my car
My mind is racing
I feel nervous-
But in a lovey dovey feel

I lay my eyes on her
She smiles
I smile back
Not on purpose-
I felt like it-
Similar to a dog wagging its tail

We order our food
I walk to the drinks
There she is
The most beautiful person I’ve ever seen
My favorite girl-
My baby

Somehow I manage to stumble on a hi
Who does that?
I wait to make a stupid quip
Since when am I careful on my quips??
I can’t stop looking into her gorgeous eyes
Why can’t I stop feeling in love???

Soon I watch her walk back
I can’t help but eye her down
Not that she isn’t anything I haven’t seen
She’s not something ever worth drifting from-
Even with just my eyes

And in that moment
I feel safe
My public anxiety fails to hold me down
My world is right here
I’m sticking by it
Even as I stall the car at the stop sign…

Is this real?
Yesterday life was life
I could feel happiness
Now I’m numb
I still feel pain
It won’t go
I still feel sick
It won’t ever go
And after all of this
I’m still hopeful
Who made me like this
I’m not good at heartbreak
Even after a fourth time

I thought I couldn’t cry
I didn’t know why
Now I know
You kept me whole

When will I not **** up
Why can’t I do it now

Chest thudding
Hands shaking
I lose control of my body
Even if my mind still works the same

I can feel my blood flowing
Cold
Tired
But fast

I get a constant chill
My pain goes away
I’m left with a broken everything
Nobody left me like this but me

I’ve been as honest as I can be.
I haven’t lied,
I haven’t not tried,
I haven’t even cried.
So why does it feel like you’re reaching too far inside.

How I feel,
Is for my heart,
Also known as me and her,
And considered none of your business.
Also, you haven’t asked about that.
I’m not sure I could tell you,
Not because I’m afraid of any consequence,
But because I made a promise,
And I intend to keep it.

You don’t know.
Not me,
Not this,
Not that,
Not anything.

You should leave now.
Before my problems make you sick too.

I have no one
Nobody to tell me it’ll be okay
Nobody to support me
Nobody to hold me

I’m alone
Left in my puddle of sorrow
This is me
This is Sean

He’s not evil
He’s not some stupid boy
He doesn’t intentionally hurt people
He just gets damaged

I’m so broken
I’m not even broken
I’m so lost
That, I am

I don’t know how to act
If I live my life
If I drop it all
I can’t even think of any future

One night
Took it all away
And nobody to blame
I don’t know what schemes went on

I’m just left here
Completely alone
No friends, no support, no nothing
Empty

Why is now normal
What happened to last week
I’m stuck in the past again
This time-it’s permanent

It feels like me
Happiness was too much to ask for
My stomach wants to **** me though
I need an antidote

This is the last one
I’m building a temper
It’s just crazy to me
I thought you knew me

But my first message
Don’t hurt her
She’s the one person here undeserving of pain
Not now, not ever, certainly not like this
It isn’t about you
You have a personal life, well I do as well

Again it wasn’t easy
I dropped fifteen pounds in like three days
But breaking over you doesn’t help
I’m treating this like the end you established

I get your emotions
But I wanted to protect you
I said I love you and I won’t ever take it back
Matter of fact it’s slowed me down currently

I meant it when I gave you a positive note too
I just hoped it gave the right idea

You broke me again
This time I won’t let myself suffer