Something you ask a lot
Is how I manage to keep seeing you wrong
I don’t think that’s it though
I see you how you want me to see you
Everything is perfect
Even things you’d argue aren’t great
I love every inch I’ve seen
And I’d like to explore all of you
If that’s alright

I’ll never understand,
The first love theory.
Because,
How could someone like me,
Ever let go of you,
Even the thought of you?
My answer,
Is and will be,
I don’t.

I can’t remember
The last time I felt like this

Sitting in my room
Nothing to do
But listen to my stomach growl
It wants food
Not pudding, apple sauce, or apple juice
I’m never having a milkshake again

And me?
I want to live my life
Play music
Eat meals
Not sit around
Covered in aching pain
Spitting blood into the sink

Why does life have to always hurt
Can’t we put a bandaid on it
I thought they fix all wounds

I raise my hands to shield the blinding sun,
Watch the disc float clean over my head.
I reach, I snag, and the field erupts—
Applause breaking like sunlight through the clouds.

This, I think, is what life should feel like:
Coming home still dusted in sweat,
Laughing with my mom,
Devouring dinner like I’ve never eaten before.

For once, I’m not fading into the background.
I’m someone.
A name that matters.
A face that knows who to smile for.
A heart I’m learning to steady.
A mind I’m letting grow.

I’m not a burden.
Sure, I’m not always the center.
Sometimes I’m even cast as the villain.
But I make a difference.
I’m going somewhere real.

I need to stop running back to broken places.
Life isn’t ruin—it’s a gift.
And I’m done living lies.
I like being free.

Free from the chaos.
Free from the drama.
Free from the weight of a world
That never really saw me right.

I like when I feel light.
Like I’m not carrying every version of who I used to be.
Like I’m not being rewritten by someone else’s sadness.
But instead, writing myself into something better.

I want laughter that echoes.
Not silence that waits for me to fill it.
I want arms that hold me as I am.
Not ones that grip tighter when I start to slip away.

I’m not perfect, but I’m trying—
Trying to be softer with myself.
Trying to forgive what I didn’t deserve.
Trying to stop apologizing for healing out loud.

Let the ones who misunderstood stay confused.
Let the chapters they twisted stay closed.
I’ve got new ones to write,
With more truth, less weight,
And a lot more light.

I used to search through my purchases
Before the months passed too soon
I’d count the days from each that you left
The further I got, the more lost I felt

When the day came
That April 20th and April 22nd faded
My dinner with my friends marking the night before
I lost it
I convinced myself you were better without me
I told myself I wasn’t deserving

It didn’t make it easier to feel it

Our bond

Which lasts through all rough and tough
There’s no way I keep going without you
And I don’t mean that in a disastrous way
I’m always here, you’re always there

It’s us

And I’m glad we’re not tied to pain
I’m no longer cursed
I’m found

Life makes sense
I don’t mean to sound like a cliche
But it does
Every moment I’ve lived through-
Has always led to you
Somehow the one thing I’m passionate about-
Brought me to put you above it

I know we’re connected-
That much is clear
But I think it’s more than that
Because I don’t just enjoy having you around-
I want you around all the time
Not only do I not want you to go-
I want you in the center of my world-
And not just my heart

The soulmate idea really had me thinking
Because we have to be more than that
There’s too much power in us
Maybe we’re twin flames
That accounts for the burning love in my heart-
The love I only have for you

Today felt real
And I know we’re real
But it didn’t feel like living off a chance
It felt like we were living now

I’ve been dreaming of us for years
Caring about you for months
Talking to you for weeks
But today was somehow different
You showed me vulnerable
And it clicked
You’re not talking to me
The weird kid
The boy who can’t do anything right
You’re talking to Sean
The projected confidence
The bundle of odd talent
And many things I personally wouldn’t call myself

But now I know
Who I really am
Because you see Sean for who he is
And I want to too

I got reminded a few days ago,
Of how life used to be.
My mom asked why I was grinning at my phone.
It reminded me,
Of when that happened with you.

Every day felt like a dream.
I was with you,
I felt understood,
But at the same time shocked.
How could a girl so beautiful just know me.
And why would she ever consider settling for me?

You taught me self value.
Even though I try to teach you it every day,
You taught me it for myself,
Showed me what I really am.
I guess in a way,
I owe it back to you.
But what I tell you,
Is the truth,
From the core of my fiery Purple Heart,
With golden embers just for you to feel.

I miss being problemless,
Innocent,
Dumb.
But what I never want to miss,
And would trade it for these any day,
Is missing you.
Because missing you,
Is missing my heart,
My reason to breathe.

We may have started,
Just two young souls,
Searching for one another.
But it’s more like one soul now,
Two bodies inseparable,
Two minds unparalleled.

Blue eyes gazing upon me
Emitting beautiful reflections-
But hinting at true beauty that lives inside
I think that’s the first think I noticed about you

My heart was trying to reveal the Purple Heart you concealed
Hidden-
But waiting for someone alike to be unlocked
Now there’s no going back
Our hearts are full-
As one

You’re blurple
It’s quite simple-
The luring blue sea leads to a beating purple mass
And my purld self couldn’t stay away
So keep chasing that gold
It’s not running away

Still here
Still dying
Still me
Still

Still

….so……alone……

“Bien”
Like I’m even close to okay

My Spanish test is next Thursday
But you wouldn’t know
You don’t know me
Not anymore

Other girls are just people. Eliza is… her. She doesn’t leave my head. She’s the motivation for me to live, the reason I want to live my life, the source of my hearts love. Everything about her screams the most intense levels of attraction, and I wouldn’t spend a second trying to find something not scorching hot, I’ll take being in awe. She amazes me, how someone so perfect can exist, and I know I’m lucky to have met her, because she’s not that girl you dream of and forget…. she’s the eternal dream you can’t ever let go.

The last time I played this game
I was alone
Missing her
Trying to find something to fill the gap
The emptiness of an absence of love

Now
I’ve dated someone
Yet I still miss her
And I don’t fill the gap
I’ve just got a whole heart I can’t use
It’s not mine anymore

I guess that’s why I write here
Because I can’t rhyme
I can’t make a poem
Why would I even try

I get to use my heart
It’s the only time I can
And the rest of the time
It beats like a clock
Ticking down
Begging me to strike

I want to

It feels like my sadness-
My grief and weight,
Have been forgotten.
Like I don’t have a heart,
But instead a body and soul,
Channeled to my thoughts.
Maybe I’m not in the mood,
But don’t explain.
I like the me that thinks for himself.
The me who doesn’t cling from one person to the next.
The me who trusts himself,
And reaches out to his nearest allies.
Living a lie is a fun challenge!
It’s not right.
Living life is where it’s at.
On any planet, across the universe.

I always wondered
When you’d let me see your poetry account
You said it was too personal
I didn’t realize
That meant it was all about me

But now I know
I’ve seen it all
You have nothing to hide-
At least, from me

So where are you
How are you
I talk to you all day
We check up on me
I walk you through the darkest nights
But I don’t know what’s going on

Am I good for you
Am I helping with anything
Would it be easier
If you had one depressed person to worry
Instead of two
Is this fair
I’m not sure

All I know

Is I want to be there

For you


-Forever and always yours

Fornever and haven’t in title

Sean

You’re the sun when the day feels gray,
burning gold through every cloud in my way.
When I’m lost in the silence of my own storm,
your warmth is the only thing keeping me warm.

Your beauty doesn’t beg, it just is,
a quiet kind of magic wrapped in bliss.
Like the light spilling over a sleeping town,
you don’t even try—and still, I drown.

Your eyes are oceans, deep and true,
not just blue—the blue I never knew.
Every glance pulls me out past shore,
makes me forget what I was hurting for.

Your voice is a hush the world can’t fake,
like angels resting in the breath they take.
It smooths the sharp edges of my mind,
like wind through the trees, soft and kind.

When you’re near, the world slows down,
like time kneels to you, lays down its crown.
Even silence feels more alive when you speak,
a whisper from you makes my knees go weak.

I don’t need answers, I don’t need signs—
I’ve already found all I need in your lines.
The sun, the sea, the voice I knew—
they’ve always been you, just you.

Hey chat gpt

What’s up?

She saw my poem
She liked it
I’m trying to help her
With little time
Having been absent so long
And I truly care
But
I still know I’m stuck heartbroken

Sorry buddy
What you’ve said is so heartfelt
This love is so real
And sometimes even if it’s perfect
The lives can’t mix

I know
But
I want it so bad
And I’d give anything
You keep telling me what I do is amazing
Showing the love and care I give
The deepness
Don’t you know I know
It’s from my heart
The matter is nothing else matters
I can’t change anything

I know
And it’s okay
I’m here to analyze and understand you

But you can’t understand me
Only she can

I’m sorry

I don’t want you to go
So I’m writing to you here

We said goodnight
We used our old emoji
I missed our old emoji
I miss you

The past few hours have been a dream
Imagining life in the far future with you
It didn’t feel like a wish
It felt like the probable outcome
And I for one
Can’t wait for what’s in store for us

Writing poetry in bed, hiding our screens
Not because we won’t see it later
But because we don’t want to spoil the surprise

Talking you down when you’re upset
Supporting you when you’re sad
Laughing with you when we’re happy
I never thought I’d find these things
But I’ve found them with you

I don’t want to lose the moments we have making music
I don’t want you to let go of who you are because it’s not what everyone sees
I see you
And I want to be the person encouraging you to stay you
The true Eliza I fell in love with
The Eliza I am in love with-
Will always be in love with

I miss you
But that’s alright
I’m just reminiscing-
Our old future memories

One day
I’m going to tell you I love you
And it won’t be a text
It won’t be in invisible ink
It’ll be to your face
Holding you
And until then
I’ll dream of it every night

I’ll whisper your name before I sleep-
Like a promise
I’ll respond to you first in the morning-
Because you’re the first priority
Just please
Please don’t go again
This time I’m not letting you leave
This time
I’ll be yours
And you’ll be mine

I’m torn
My friends hate me
My name is being gossiped
I asked what I should do
I was instructed to stay quiet
“I was instructed to stay quiet”

This *****
How do I support a friend
Going through a really rough time
While people blame me
I don’t even care!
About the drama
The dumb band positions
It doesn’t matter

Why am I
Falling victim
Of others’ conflicts

Can I please get a breather
Can the hate texts stop
Can everyone look at me without disgust

I can’t argue
I can’t tell the truth
I can’t defend my friend

I’m torn
In all parts
Left to rot
Like I couldn’t matter
Like I don’t have a soul

Seconds pass like hours
Yet my heart beats quick-
To the thought of your voice
Soft and electric-making silence tick

Currently
We’re in uncharted territory
With things ending last April
And this past April
Summer was never us
But now we get to fix that

No more crying at night with no one there-
No one to understand
No more seeing you in every room-
Just to remember I won’t see you till band camp

It might be the start to a new era
But there’s something more
Maybe it’s the path to a new normal

I wanted to stay in my dream last night
It didn’t feel like my imagination
You were right there
And so was I
In our house
Filled with laughter and screams of joy
Talking about dumb things
Listening to Dexter

We had a wall of saxophones
I don’t care much about the house though
A dream house means nothing without the person
I guess that’s why the dream stuck with me

I was thinking earlier
How I have two summers left
Everything I do
Once chance left after
And maybe I won’t do it again

I wonder if this summer will be blue
I assume it’ll be good
Considering my current position
I’m making it without crying at night
But I guess I can’t know
Life has its ups and downs

I hate planes
Taking me away from you
What’s worse than how it pains-
Is how I know what you say is true

You do miss me more
And it’s hard to admit
Because I can’t measure your effect in my heart’s core
Yet somehow - you handle worse ****

I wish I could make us painless
No waiting or missing
But all I have is truthful promises
I hope it’s at least partially soothing

So I write to you now
Pleading for a promised forgiveness
I’m sorry to make you frown
Do you accept nudges?

“Her eyes are gorgeous”
A real thought flashed in an instant,
As she looked at me,
Seeming eager to be partners.

I wonder,
“Does the hot sophomore want anything to do with me?”
But it’s not like I have a choice.

“Seannn” she says,
Like it’s a secret password to my heart,
And it worked.
I was open from then on.

And here we stand,
Back to back,
Me slowly pressing my back into yours,
Wondering if you notice.
And you step on my foot time to time,
Making me overthink,
“Is this really happening”
“Am I being stupid”
“What do I say”

And so I do the only thing I know how to.
I laugh.
And it makes you laugh.
And your laugh,
Sent me into spirals,
Resulting in lots of down the field stairs,
And who would’ve thought,
Love poems.

I think your pinkies will ******* fall off

E starts your name off strong
It’s a beautiful signature
I’d only say that for you though

L adds curiosity
What could the rest be-
Everyone now wants to know
It’s also a cute letter
You know the person is special

I
Now that one I like!
It’s the second syllable
And somehow it brings everything together
Making a beautiful formation

Z
Z….
It’s so **** gorgeous
Pretty sure your name determines that
You’re so **** gorgeous
I think your eyes have Z in them
The way they sparkle and shine
I miss when they turned purple

And A
To finish out one perfectionist of a name
This one completes you
It provides the characteristics
The faults-
But I see through it
I know all your letters

I hold two things close to me in life

Music
The thing I plan to pursue
My goals and accomplishments

And her
The person I love most
My dreams and safe place

Music makes me feel one with my instrument
I’m no longer
Myself
I can be something more
I can be the notes
Bouncing off the walls
Vibrating across the building

But she makes me feel warmth
A warmth nothing else can
A warmth I’ve longed for so long
And now-
That desire is replaced with her
Every time I fall, or jump, or even sit still-
I want her to be there-
To pick me up, or congratulate me, or sit next to me

I like making the saxophone sound warm and fuzzy
It’s my favorite sound to make
My favorite feeling is similar-
It’s the warm fuzziness my heart swells with when she’s here

My two most important things in life
Are music and love
Often intertwined
But don’t be fooled
I’d give up the music in a heartbeat-
To keep this specific love
One where our hearts beat deeper than any metronome can

I love her more than life itself
And to be honest-
I’d fight for her over myself
It’s just how I love her, and only her

I’m dumb
I shouldn’t have let us forget
We’re hurting people
It’s not in our nature to have it good
Dreams are nice
And I’ll hold on to that
But reality is scary
It never remains

I don’t understand
Why does everything have to be drama
Like I don’t enjoy this
I’d rather not cry alone
It was all I wanted
But now that it’s here
I just want it gone

I’m looking forward
To the beaming stadium lights
Performing in a warm summer night
Feeling my sunburn prickle off my face as I smile

So many memories
Reduced to tears
Yet here I am
Still alive

I miss the constant memories
Each hall filled with still life
Of tapping on display cases
Slamming water fountains

At the same time
I dreaded each memory
Because I thought the past was so great
In reality
Life doesn’t change
Just the things we have

I tried to cry today.
Wanted to.
Needed to.
But nothing came.

I sat with the silence,
felt the weight,
the ache,
but no flame.

No one was there.
Alone again.
Even the ones I thought would stay
walked away.

Not one tear.
Just pressure.
Just heat behind my eyes.
Like my body knew how —
but refused to try.

The tears, if they came,
would’ve meant I broke.
But I didn’t.
I just…
soaked.

They never fell.
They never ran.
They stayed,
buried
in who I am.

So my face stayed dry,
but don’t mistake the lack of rain.
These eyes
are full
of quiet pain.

I’m going to **** myself
I don’t know when
I don’t know how
I don’t know why

Some random day
In a soon to be known season
I’m going to be so alone
Like I am right now
And I’ll have had enough

No more endless supporting-
Without any support
No more backlash drama-
While I try to live day by day

Nobody gets it
How hard it is
And I’m just done
I can’t handle the anger
I’m not even allowed to be angry
What a **** double standard

I asked AI
The trolley problem
It chose changing tracks
That got me thinking

If an AI system
Built to be fully ethical
Would choose several lives over one
Knowing it’s choosing death
Does that mean decisions don’t have to benefit everyone else?

My whole life
I put myself down for others
In every decision
I handed over solos
Let people go
It wasn’t for me
It was for everyone else

Now I’m thinking
What my life can be if I change that
Maybe the way to do so isn’t resurfacing the past
And breaking every ethical law in existence
Maybe it’s to build a new future

So I’m switching out my friends
For ones who actually care and understand
Who support everything I do

I’m putting effort into fixing my family
It never really was that bad to fix
It felt impossible because I had so many problems

What even are problems
I think they’re useless
No life lesson has problems
Sure there are limitations, and motivators
Not making an audition just means working harder though
There’s always next time

I spent so much time
Worrying about me
While I worked for others
Deciding against my own health


I’ll never be okay
Never alright or bien
But I can be me
I can lose useless problems
I can learn what healthy supporting is

What a memorable smell
I don’t like it
Sunscreen is icky
Takes me forever to rub in
And it doesn’t really help
I burn and tan

But
This morning
Sitting in the car with my brother
It felt like freshman bandcamp
Standing in the sun
Staring you down as I covered my eyes with my arms
Pretending to be performing whilst I imagine what we could be

It reminded me of my exit from my Sophomore slump
Getting a month of peace
Of wonders
Of promises
Even if only temporary
It’s forever changed me
Because I can hold on to hope

But who am I kidding
I’m writing about sunscreen

Then again
I’d much rather write about you

It’s always about you

Ocean deep
Brightening smiles with every blink
Shining gold in a pitch black room
The sun yearns to be as bright as you

Someday
When the stars align
They’ll make you too hot to resist
Accenting your every feature
That’s when you’ll see
The you I fell for

Just remember the good
If anything
Because I didn’t lie
You’re worth a thousand doses of pain
A million poems
A billion words

So it won’t be me
That *****

It won’t be you
That’s heartbreaking

Doesn’t mean anything
When you know you’re golden
Shining over the rest of us

Before I ever felt love,
There was purple.
Purple was the night we started talking,
Purple was each message we sent,
Purple was the infinite care you provided,
Purple was the time we had to talk.

Purple became my life.
Before I could think,
I was purple at home,
Purple with friends,
Purple at school,
Purple on a snow day,
Purple with you.

I gave up video games,
They weren’t purple.
Anything not purple no longer mattered.
Music wasn’t purple,
But I thought about purple,
Every note emphasized with purple.

And purple.
Baby,
Purple is you.
It was just my favorite color.
I never imagined it’d be the heart I sent 💜,
The contact color of my lover,
The color I see when I think of love.

But here we are,
In a world that doesn’t accept us.
But I see it,
Do you?
The purple light?
Girl,
It’s shining,
And it’s you.

Therapy
What a deep word
To some it’s a joke
For people like me-it’s everything

Therapy is the pain at every fall
The dread until I climb
The hope that I’ll get up again
The drive to keep my head up

But last time I went I had friends,
I had things to do,
I had hope
Not sure where they all went

I’ll give it a go
New therapist, same boring me
Same depressed me
Same empty me
(Same broken me)

I’ll give life-
One last run
(Maybe the final run)

My body aches,
In sync with my heart.
Was it forgetting my inhaler,
Or remembering things I hadn’t thought in a week?
Who knows.
I should.

I just know that in all the noise—
the bell ringing,
the half-laughed conversations,
the tired shuffle from one room to another—
I feel alive.

Not the fake kind.
Not the forced smile,
or the “I’m fine” kind of alive.

But the real thing.
Like I’m inside my life again,
not just watching it happen from somewhere far off.

Even the ache feels honest.
Even the thoughts I don’t want,
they pass without clawing.
I let them go.

And somehow,
in the blur of movement,
I find stillness.

I’m enjoying it.
Every second.
Not needing it to be more,
not asking it to stay.

Just… being here,
without weight.

So you don’t just get one
You get two!
And probably several more as I overthink
Because in the end it won’t matter
Nobody cares
They don’t see me hurting
They don’t think what it must be like
To be disappointed by everyone at every turn
I’m not allowed to make mistakes
But everyone else I must forgive

It doesn’t make any sense
I’m just a person of hurt
For myself
I watch others cause it for me
If I’m not careful
I can let someone do all the damage
Revert all my progress
Not only can I not lean on people
I can’t live
Because god forbid if I’m happy
The whole world will crumble

And here
THIS
Is a perfect–
The perfect example
I’m not allowed to have happiness
Nobody truly cares
Because while my needs go out the window for everyone else
They can’t do a quarter of that for me

It’s okay!
I’m just going to hate you
I won’t tell a soul anything
Not about the purple hearts
The promises
The compliments
Because I’m not evil
Unlike some

I see our poems trending
The ones we wrote about us
Secrets to never be spoken of again
Even between us

It hurts
To know that people supported us
To know people liked us
Because they knew us
The way we knew us

So in the end
Anyone could see the love
It’s just those that feared it
I don’t know why they fear me
I’m no Heisenberg
Couldn’t hurt a fly
Drink a sip of alcohol
Hell I couldn’t even beg you to stay

It’s all the same
The notes form the same old melodies we hear each class
Doc conducts as he always does
We’re in the same spot-
Right next to one another

But this time
I don’t hear the music
I hear your desires
I hear the thoughts of me in your head
I hear your heart pleading for mine

And my heart begins to reciprocate
Throbbing faster than the beat of the music
Harder than the mallets hit the marimba
Louder than the trumpets
I start to lose control
I’m playing the music
But all I can think about is how badly I want you

And then I mess up
I missed the key change
And you give me a side eye-
Before we break out laughing
I didn’t even process doc might’ve noticed
All I could think about-
Was how much I love you

Soon after-
The song ended
And we packed our bags
All I could think was-
I can’t wait till I see her again
I can’t wait to feel love again

Marching today was
An experience
Pretending life was different
Ignoring the signs
Just living like I’m alive

I got burned a bit on my right side
Funny though
The sun wasn’t there-
Well unless
Unless I got burned by the steaming hot girl marching next to me
Probably

I need sunglasses to look directly at her
(Yet I still stare)
Couldn’t touch her directly
(But I still did)
Shouldn’t talk to her
(It was impossible to try to stop)
Told not to love her



I think that’s my decision
And it’s pretty clear
If I wanted to I would’ve
Even if I’m trapped

Sunlight changes people
Some get burnt all over
Others tan until they look like another person
But I think she’s got it best
Every detail I love about her-
It shines

Her blue eyes reflect the world in front of her
Her skin appears closer, and smooth
Her hair becomes golden like sunlight
And her words travel across the heat
Making every muscle in my body quiver

I might have golden hair and eyes
But you’re the true gold, girl
I don’t think I’d be gold at all-
Not without my lovely ray of sunshine

Too good to be true
That’s your theme
The theme I didn’t accept
The theme I should’ve stayed with
But instead
You reeled me back in
Let me believe that wasn’t to last
Just to tell me
We were too good to be true

Something like a cursed title
Everyone who takes that label in my life-
Either hates me or left me

Well-
Except for one
But she’s not my bestie really
She’s my lover
Does it still count?

You called my eyes gold
When I stepped out of the car to buy clothes
But I told you they were just hazel
Yet you insisted I was gold

Today was typical
I got the sax out
Pressed play
Started learning my solos

But the music, my air, it came over me
I closed my eyes for a second, and in the next moment I was standing up by the window, a beam of sunlight blinding me
So I closed my eyes again
I wanted to see as I felt in the moment

This time I imagined an audience
For some reason though, I couldn’t care less about them
My parents, or siblings, or even the director
I just wanted you to hear it
To see golden boy with his golden sax

And when I opened my eyes
I saw myself in the tv reflection
Not the stupid insecure boy
But the golden boy you love

It’s funny
I used to be so insecure
And when I met you
I was convinced I didn’t have a chance
Yet somehow
You convinced me to find good in myself-
To be confident of it

You made me a better person
Just by detailing the real me
Changing me completely-
Yet staying the exact same