She was my everything
From the moment I first laid eyes on her
All my trauma faded
Insignificant to that gorgeous babe

Creamy gold hair
Glowing in the sun
Strands swaying in the breeze

I so badly wanted to grab your sweet hands
To stop you mid count
Have you turn to face me
Our hands hit constantly
I wasn’t sure if it was on accident or I tried
I just wanted to keep doing it
By back against yours
Our heels colliding
There was nobody I’d rather be with

Waving in the hallway
Filled my heart with joy
I felt like the center of the world
Of course
Right beside you

And how soon that faded
I stopped seeing you
And my dream was left unanswered
I could’ve sworn you gave me a look turning the corner
Going to the library
It was the perfect opportunity
Us alone in the school
But I overthought it
You made me more nervous than the waiting room for my surgery

But then that miracle happened
I added you on snap
And within hours
Conversations
Of nothing
Of everything
The start to a fiery love
The kind that can’t be put out
Because it grows with each attack

I still remember
“Do you play?”
The start to it all
Was my piano
Back when I put your name into my moonlight
e-li-za
It more than worked
And let me tell you
That’s when I knew
You were the one

You loved everything I gave
I felt something I’d never felt before
Finally having someone who cared
Who saw me and didn’t run
You embraced who I was
I felt like a child
Giggling at stupid things
Grinning at my phone

That’s why that night I cried for six hours straight
My mom trying to comfort me
And giving up
Because it was everything
And saying it was nothing
Just broke my heart more

And I saw you move on
I saw you with someone else
I watched you ignore me
So I did what I had to
I bottled it all up

Yet I had the summer blues
All the while
I was missing you

Then band camp came
We were back
And somehow
Small talk
Subtle jokes
Became leaps of faith
And we were in one another’s arms once again
Until we got stripped away
Believing it was for the best
That was my worst era
Because I knew I couldn’t do without you
But I tried to

And she came along
Messed me all up
Gave me alternative sensations
Compensating for the pain in my heart
Until it was too much
She didn’t like what she saw in me
She couldn’t change who I was
And I was thrown out

But you
You scooped me up
Nursed me back to full health
And confessed

I know you’ve thought it
But it wasn’t stupid
Because it brought me to my knees
Everything made sense
I could finally figure out where I am
Because I had you again
The final time

I wished
I hoped
I dreamed
I cried
I prayed
I wondered
I thought
I loved

It wasn’t enough
And you were gone
Because we can’t decide our own fates
I can’t pick me for you
You can’t pick me for everyone else
I regret letting you go though
Even though I couldn’t have fought

Then my poem found you
And you reached back
And I pulled you right to me
Not letting go
But I didn’t have to
You grabbed back
Maybe even pulled me closer than before
Our bond feels like a single program
One soul building two lives

This is it
I have to leave us here
I can’t lose you
So I remain

Talk to me
Whisper to me
Invisible ink to me
Cry to me
Yell to me
I’m here for it
I’m here for you
And I’m never going

I was obsessed over you
I fell for you
I cried with you
I died with you
I returned for you
Girl
I love you

Hey.
I think this is my last message on this document.
You were definitely right.
I knew I should’ve listened.
I’m sorry I didn’t.
But I guess it worked in your favor, right?
She got the help you were frustrated over.
I’m back to eternal loneliness.
Although,
I’m sorry to disappoint that I’m no longer obsessed with you.
I know you really feed off that.
I just wanted to live.
I really still do.
I want to have my life as I want it to be.
But it seems like I get half of it.
I get a heart that can feel my music,
But a heart forbidden to feel others,
Except for the one it can’t have.
Anyway,
Enjoy your freakishly skinny life.
Adios 👋
(🎱)

-I can’t do this alone
Not really, I can’t without you, but I’m trying

-And as the earth burns to the ground-oh girl, it’s you that I lie with-as the atom bomb locks in
Well maybe not but mentally, and I still feel the connection even if it isn’t there or if it’s not what I think it is

-This time, I swear I won’t find someone new
True. At least I’m still able to live, maybe indefinite love can be burned indefinitely

-That you’re the one I want to go through time with
This song was rough, but yeah it’s all eternal and that’s the message, I don’t feel heartbroken, I feel accepting I’m forever yours and also alone at the same time

-oh, pretty baby
Don’t bring me down I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I’ve found you, stay
And let me love you, baby
Yeah it’s too late. But hey. Doesn’t make it any less what my heart is screaming alongside heath ledger.

That’s it, a lot of my fav songs, and the lyrics that most make me think about you. This is messed up but I still get those feelings I get talking to you, sorry if I scare you away.

Why can’t I stop
Where am I getting these words from
Each line
Each sentence
Feels like a desperate cry
For dreams to meet reality
For your hand to be placed in mine

When does it end
When does the reality check land on us
When can I finally be done dreaming
When can I instead be living
A life I can built with you
Pure and genuine

We won’t give up
We won’t retaliate

We can’t fight non verbalized wars

My hearts stays pure to you

As it’s the only version of me that’s true

I’m sure you have the slightest clue

All I want is you

Girl you’re the only thing that makes sense in life

The only person who understands
Only one who listens
Only understander
Only listener
Only true lover

So the words fly to my beating heart
I’m wondering
Do yours flow too
And if so
May they speak to me

Your golden hair illuminates my mind
Gorgeous deep blue eyes haunting me
But not in a bad sense
In the sense of:
I wish I was looking into her eyes right now
Because I feel the safety of a home with you
Something even my family can’t offer me

It doesn’t matter how long
I just want to talk to you
Breathe alongside your mega lungs
View your every breath
Watch in astonishment as the beautifully immaculate figure of you sends lightning into my heart

I’d give up thirty minutes every day of my life
To practice with you
Pretend to be listening when I’m actually bewildered by all of you
Tracing the side of your face with my finger
Laughing over some stupid mistake we make

I want to be with you
Not just as much time as possible
But all the time
In your mind when we’re physically apart
I like the idea of haunting you
I just want it to be in a sweet caring way

I face planted
Right through my bedroom door
Straight into the burning carpet
It was quick
But silent
As if I never made an impact
I wonder if my death will be like that
Will anyone be left to hear it
Or will I have to cry and wail
Scream and yell
Until someone listens
Would they want to hear it
Or see it
Would I matter to them
Or would they walk past
Like a half chewed rat left in the street
Do I belong on the street
Do I even belong anywhere
I’m not sure
But right now
I can’t get up
I’m glued to the carpet
Accepting fate
A silent fate

Extraordinary
Lovely
Irreplaceable
Zealous
Affectionate

Layers
Of emotions
Depths
Of pain
The weight of the world
Resting on top of my heart

I don’t know why
I let myself get frustrated
How conveniently it maxed as soon as the moment came
If I had just begged
Listened to my heart
Then at least if it wouldn’t have worked
I could know it wasn’t me

But instead
I got mad
For my own mistake
I’m just frustrated with myself really
Because I say I can’t have anything
When I send it all away
At the first opportunity
Without even thinking

I don’t struggle with actions
Not at all
I just can’t decide
I never know what’s BEST
I just know that you are
Which makes me the worst
For everyone
For you
For me

I don’t want this
I don’t like this
Not sure I can live like this

What even is
This?
It’s just a forced decision
To end a relationship
Of sorts

It’s strange
How I’m not depended on you to be me
But I still need you
Because I don’t like the me without you
Why fight the fight if I don’t come back to you

It’s like sending Superman out to fight aliens
To defend another planet
So he can come home
To an empty penthouse
With all her things
But nobody to call home
Is he even home
Or is it a shell of what had been

Not sure I want this
Not sure I like this
I’m stuck in a death loop
But I can’t burden anyone to let me out

My happy poems
My love poems
Are actually blowing up

So maybe
I was wrong
The people did like happiness
At least for us

I’m ******
Not only because
You lied several times
You broke about thirty promises
And hurt me
REALLY
Hurt me
Several times
But because I saw through all it
And let you break my heart thrice

Once, shame on me
Twice, that’s my fault for not seeing it again, shame on me again
Thrice???
Now that’s your own **** fault
SO sorry!
But there’s definitely some anger pent up
I can’t even focus
On anything

I’m just
Mad
Angry
Confused??
I shouldn’t be
Because I know you don’t care
If you did you’d decide for us
Not to save your own skin
Every **** decision you make
Is for your benefit
Dragging me along twice
Oh sorry, thrice
And hurting me every step of the way
You know, it’s childish
Like honestly
Just give up

And sorry for not cussing you out
I’d definitely be doing that
But this is my school mac
I’m sitting in English
Ignoring my work
Stomach in knots
Brain and heart aching
I can’t do this
I can’t do without you
It’s not fair
The fact that the only way you can pay me back for what you’ve done is to be here
ANd you say you can’t even do that
This is just, this is ridiculous
Because you made me care
And I was all for it
And you left
I’ve never left
I never will
But I hate you for this
For everything
And when I get, or got, “sassy”??
That was for you
Because of you
I can’t stand this
I don’t want to do this anymore
It’s not worth it
Because you made it worth it
Even with a thousand deep cuts
Piercing my heart
As you do, miss heartbreaker

I hate the way you know when something’s wrong,
I hate that you always know what to say to calm me down.
I hate when you disappear at night,
I hate it when I wait for you to wake up.
I hate watching you hurt yourself,
And knowing I can’t stop the pain.
I hate how insecure I feel knowing you can read me like a concert band piece,
Which isn’t such a bad thing when I get quiet and silently beg for someone to notice.
Really,
I hate going through my day without you,
In fact,
I hate everyday I don’t see you.
But in truth,
I’m never going to leave,
Because maybe-
Maybe I hate the fact that I lied,
I don’t hate this,
No not at all,
What I hate is the idea of a world without us.

I did airplanes on the lot
It felt so instinctual
Although
How could I forget what I did for so long

I remember
Staring at your lips
Watching you count
Hearing you soft voice

And I inhaled
I swear I could smell you
I didn’t want to stop breathing in
But I had to
Because whether I want to or not
I can’t stay here
I’d get hit by a car

Gasping for air
I stare into my ceiling light
My arms glued to the carpet
I don’t remember going down
Just standing up up from bed
I forgot what this was like

My heart is thumping
In its slow double pulse
Like how it would
When I would think of you
Read your words
See your face
Hear your name

And then it came back
I read your poem
I stood up arrogantly
Wishing the world was different
Except for one thing
And then I was down

I wonder what’s worse
Being down here
Or the circumstances that **** me

Life isn’t so bad
When I stop worrying about careless problems
I spent months following my heart
Worried about other people
When I had so many other things
That I should’ve prioritized

AP exams were a blast
I had holes in my euro knowledge
But I used the test to fill out the blanks
Human geography was fun
I knew all of it
I think I ate

Wildwood was amazing
Once I stopped complaining I just lived
I had fun
Stewart loved the ***** shorts
You’d be embarrassed
Got Sax?

I’m enjoying things
I’m not dying
Maybe I can’t eat
Maybe I’m not hungry
Sure I’ve missed practices
I’ve been pushed to third line JV
But Doc sent me a sweet appreciation email
I led the **** middle school trumpet section

I feel proud of myself
I know I have work to do
But to take all the drama
All the pain
And say I’m done
That’s more than enough
At least for me
To keep living

Maybe I don’t tell you enough
That being with you
Hasn’t just been an idea the past two years
It’s been my fantasy

And no more losing hope
Or letting you walk away
I’m putting my foot down
Because you’re my fantasy

My only fantasy

I felt nerves today
For my leadership interview
It ******
I haven’t been anxious in so long

I had a math and chemistry test yesterday
Same thing happened
Am I getting weaker
More tied to my environment

A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have cared
My eyes would be glued to my phone
My heart full
Running marathons in minutes
And wanting every second of it

I miss that
I miss a lot of things
I’m losing track
Of purpose

As I grow
Learn what I’m gonna be
Get better at what I do
Doesn’t change the fact
I still want…

A lifetime flew by
In a moment
Through a text

Did you see it too

Your lunch table is empty
A lot of tables are empty today
Life should be moving like normal for me
But it’s throwing some nostalgia in a spree

I used to overthink you sitting right across from me
Wondering if I make eye contact or ignore your existence
It wasn’t much of an issue once I had other issues
But somehow it’s all flooding back

I wish things were normal
You kicking my bag through the bars
Me giving you a random surprise gift
Life makes more sense that way
With the old worries

You say I see you too kindly,
like the way I talk about you doesn’t match the mirror.
But I’m not making anything up.
I’m just telling you what’s always been there-
what you won’t admit,
but I’ve always seen.

You’re warmth.
Not just kind warmth-
but the kind I’ve been looking for,
the kind I thought didn’t exist.

I tell you you’re beautiful,
and you give me that look.
But it’s not about belief.
It’s just what’s true.

You’ve said you might love me more.
Maybe you do.
But I still love you like it’s the only thing I’m sure of.
And that doesn’t stop
just because someone’s love runs louder.

When I play, I lose myself in sound.
But when I’m with you,
I don’t want to be anything else.
No note I’ll ever play
means more than sitting beside you when nothing’s happening.

Music makes me feel everything.
You make me feel home.

So even if you shake your head at what I say-
even if you never fully believe it-

I’ll still say it.
I’ll still mean it.
I’ll still love you
as hard as I can.

If I had a purple crayon
I’d draw us together

I’d erase all our problems
Creating a world for the two of us
A world we can be happy

We’d forget what our problems were
Living carefree in each others arms
All because of this crayon
It fixed our mess for us

But I don’t have a crayon
And we’re here now

I’d ask you for a crayon
But I think I have for years

I’m scared
The iv doesn’t help-
My skin pinched over a needle
Blankets guarding the freezing air
But it doesn’t cover my pounding chest
All I can think about
Is how I have to get back to you
Just like last time

I don’t believe time
How was it over a year ago
When our hearts first came together

I could’ve sworn we were not a thing-
Which as itself was a thing-
Less than six months ago

I love looking at our saved snaps
But it hurts
All those memories fading

Our love isn’t the same
It’s mature, settled, teenage-bonded
Spontaneous if you will

I don’t miss those days
I love us now
I just forget what it was like to love you then

It’s quiet-
For the first time in weeks
My room is boiling-
My breath hyperventilating
But it’s not making me crash
I feel stationary

Everything is a little off-
My mind is wandering,
My heart is quaking,
My lungs are contracting

I’m waiting for you to come back
I know when you do I’ll be fixed
Whether we text or call-
Or even make a tiktok ai image
When you’re here I don’t mind the heat
I don’t even feel the pain
All I feel is you

I can’t stop writing
Maybe the inspiration is what I’d be saying to you
Or it could just be the aching of my heart
That wasn’t here for a month
Just to come back worse than ever

It’s cold
At the beach
Even with a flannel
I’m shivering

And I keep zoning out
I don’t mean to
But losing myself in my thoughts
Old our thoughts
It’s nicer than reality

I’m a ******* disappointment
For everyone
There’s nothing I can do to help it
I’m just not happy
I have no energy
I have nothing

All the trust
The energy
Love
It only mattered with you
We were a source for me
The only way I could be human
But I’m just a monster
A shell of a person

I was listening
To every note
All the beautiful melodies
Each word spoken by you

I just couldn’t
Couldn’t look at you again that day
How could I see those beautiful lips in second period
And miss my world in eighth

I didn’t physically wave
But I stared at you through the art
I saw us in every corner
Don’t know why my brain is so confused about it being over

I listened
Just as I am now
Just wish I could do more
But we know I’m trapped

Maybe I should get off the site
Or make a new account
I don’t want to lose my library
Nor my audience

Everything I attempt goes to you in the end
Even if it was supposed to be a dump
Or a creation
Maybe that’s what I get for taking your site

I didn’t even remember
That this was yours
Until you reminded me
Just to be honest

I think I love you
More than you could ever know

It’s not a bad thing
It’s just

The way you make a room full of smiles
Your lips tempting me to kiss you
The most beautiful blue eyes-
Looking at me like I’m valuable

Everything about you
Is like a fairy tale
And somehow
You still exist
Choosing me

One day
We’ll give one another what we want
And we’re gonna be so happy
We’llcforget what sadness felt like

Yes
I’ll hold your hand
While you get allergy shots

Yes
I’ll kiss you
Anywhere
Everywhere

Yes
Eventually
I will marry you

I’m an overthinker
But with you
I lose that grounded approach
Because with you
My dreams meet reality
They have to-
You’re my dream

I watched a movie today
It was good
Somehow I managed to find myself in it
Actually
I found you first

The female lead looked just like you
Just less hot and less pretty
She had a temper
Like someone we know
The guy said she needed therapy though
So some roles were reversed
Still true tho

It was weird
It made me long for you more
Yet it reminded me of everything
All the things I’ve done
Said
Felt

I’m realizing I’m not flawed
It’s okay to put in your all
The failure is just a reason to fit in better
I’m not struggling
I know my audience
I can’t choose who listens to me
Who makes me feel safe

I don’t wish you didn’t
I’ve thought that a lot
I don’t want you to stay away
I just want things to be uncomplicated
Can you punch freshman me
Really hard
I hate myself for it
That’s my only mental health issue rn
And my brain’s disfunctioning without you

Truth is
I’ve thought of what I’d say
If you asked for me to come back
For the fourth time…
I thought: sorry I’m not trying to be led towards another heartbreak
Please, I can’t do the cheating thing
What, so your mom can ground you permanently and shoot me?
But really
My answer would be
[in invisible ink]
{Let me grab a new number}

I know you won’t see this
I think you’d be disgusted
I’m worried it’ll **** me to never know
I feel like my feelings are never going

Every woman I talk to feels like cheating
If they’re taken or not
Funny
Didn’t bother me with us

I guess what I’m saying is
We did so much wrong
So much
We broke records
People hate me for not listening
For “being blind”
And I’m certain my answer is-
That no matter what the situation is
No matter the awkwardness
I find my way to you
And that’s all that matters

So
I hate the world
I despise the haters
I still love you
And I’m sorry I didn’t say it more
Even if you couldn’t
You deserved it
I promised everything
I never stopped wanting to
And I’ll always regret it

My mom said to me
I’ll be the one who got away
I always thought-
It’s the opposite
Could it be
It’s the same for us both?

Well
You can’t
You won’t
You shouldn’t…
But if you ever see this
It’s still true
Even if I’m dating again
Idk
Ask me
Make me cry
It’s okay
I deserve it
I shouldn’t have hurt you
It was just sudden
The heartbreak I promised wouldn’t happen
The last heartbreak I’m going to endure
It’s not worth it if it’s not you

I don’t care about you-
In a way a friend does-
Or even a sibling-
I care about you in a way one would care about an extension of themselves.

I don’t like you-
In the way most exes would say they did-
Or even the way a boyfriend would-
I like you as if you’re the best thing I could ever find and nothing could change my mind.

I don’t think about you-
The way a child thinks about candy-
Or to the extent a mother thinks about her child-
I think about you in every thought, and with each my feelings deepen.

I don’t talk about you-
Like you hurt me-
Or you’re something gone far away-
I talk about you as if anything else isn’t worth mentioning when you’re an option.

I don’t love you-
More than anyone else-
Or to a depressing degree-
I just would only say the phrase to you, because it’s only true for you, and I never knew what love was until I met you.

I was honest—
not in speeches or long explanations,
but in the way I stayed
through every crack in your story.
In the way I gave when I had nothing left.
In the way I let you blame me
just to keep your world from falling apart.

I smiled when I felt like screaming.
Laughed when I wanted to disappear.
Listened while my own voice
got quieter and quieter.

You said I held you back.
Maybe I did—
but only from burning down
the last bit of peace you had left.
I stood between you and the edge
and let you tell yourself it was my fault
the cliff existed in the first place.

And still, I stayed.

But that version of me—
the one who bent
so you could feel less broken—
he’s done.

I’m not going to pretend anymore.
Not for you.
Not for anyone.
Because pretending made me forget
that I mattered, too.

I was honest,
even in silence.
Especially in silence.
But now honesty looks like walking away—
without a speech,
without a scene,
without regret.

Checking the home page each writing session
Remembering I don’t get notified by you
Having to click your past poems to see your profile
That’s a bad habit

Staying up at night
Overthinking my life
All my mistakes
Everyone’s point of view
Just for things to stay the same
That’s a bad habit

Buying food for friends
Every day
Even though my money is short
That’s a bad habit

Thinking about all my moments with you
Most not even in person
Standing in front of the Disney banner texting
Or you calling me grimace’s foot
You complaining about your skin tone
My rants about you
I’ll still be honest
It was true
That’s a bad habit

Missing things
That came in terrible eras
Like, worst timing
Is it because the chaos made me feel things
Or because I had real definite trust
Either way
That’s a bad habit

I’m gonna break my cycles
Figure out what I can do to keep me afloat
I want to stop relying on others
And quit excusing myself
My head isn’t messed up
My perception is
The therapist was right
that’s a bad habit

do you think i’m going to be okay?
You’ll be okay, life has its hurdles.
do you think this is going to hurt less?
No, I think for you it’s just gonna be like it was before, and I’m just gonna have to get used to losing you again.
do you think maybe it’s better if i die?
Definitely not. Then we die. It’s a stupid chain.
do you think i deserve it?
Death? No.
do you think i will ever heal from this?
Obviously. Time heals all wounds.
do you think you will?
Sometimes people are ignorant and don’t want to heal because living in the past is happier than forgetting the unforgettable.
do you think class is going to be weird?
I’m not sure, I have to decide how I want to approach the fact that if I’m nice you can get in trouble.
do you think everyone is thinking “we were right”?
Like, that this should’ve happened? No. There’s no result. People remain unhappy and the world keeps spinning. But at least you’re safe or whatever, because we both know what it really was like, if only us.
do you think i’ll ever talk to you again?
I can’t answer that. I think that’s a family discussion (Ill placed joke I know, but lighten up).
do you think one day your words will stop haunting me?
Dunno, I just know everything won’t stop haunting me because you’re always gonna be my everything, the light goes out when you’re gone so don’t die, even if you’re metaphorically gone.

It’s freezing
I’m dying
My lips are cracking throughout
My nose won’t stop running
And that ******* kid has the room key
If he could just answer his phone
I’d have time to grieve
Instead of this ****

We hide our feelings
In invisible ink
Not because we don’t want to share
But we intend to keep it private

It’s permanent
We’re here to stay
But we temporarily show ourselves
Filling lines in every corner
And to everyone else
They see a blank paper

I don’t though
I have the ability to see your ink
A purple light to reveal our purple thoughts
And I think they’re beautiful
Do you think so too?

“She’s literally the hottest person I know”

“I can’t look at her and not want her”

It’s not just emotional, I’m so attracted to her”

“I know I’ll never feel this way about someone else physically”

“It’s not just that she’s hot, it’s that when I see her, I feel it everywhere. Like I need to be near her”

“She gets me in a way no one else even tries to”

“I feel seen with her, not watched, just understood”

“It’s like she knows the version of me that I’m still trying to become”

Your eyes whispered sweet dreams to me
Impossible to ignore-
Nor look away
Deep blue
But reflecting the treasures they store

I missed looking at you
Laughing with you
I missed that look you gave me
Maybe I just missed you

I desired to kiss you
And I’ll be honest-
That’s why I tapped you with my soda
Because if I can’t lay my hand on your cheek
I’ll settle with you knowing I’m there

I have pain
Everywhere
The numbing wore off
Someone help
I can’t sleep
I’m trapped
I can’t talk
My mouth won’t stop bleeding
I hate it
The taste
The feeling
The pain from swallowing

I’m sorry you’ll wake up to this
I’m sorry you can’t fix everything
I’m sorry for this whole crisis
I’m sorry it’s tiring for you to be anything

I’m sorry I miss you so much
I’m sorry I say I love you so often
I’m sorry you can’t feel my touch
I’m sorry it’s hard to get me to soften

But I’m truly sorry for the pain I can’t fix
Because I know some of it is love’s tricks

Don’t forget

I play for you too
All the writing is about you
Every note is feeling you
Even if you don’t ever hear it
It’s still for you

This isn’t an attack-
It’s just how I feel.
It’s why I had five days you weren’t on my mind.
I blamed myself for my obsession, claiming it hurt like hell.
In truth-
getting rid of that, even if I haven’t but think I have, made it easier.
I know one thing-
obsessing over what can never be will only lead to eternal suffering.
If I can’t talk to you, I’m not.
I just don’t like my name tarnished for other people’s problems
My heart ripped out and being humiliated for it
I don’t like it.
That’s why I’m still at the beach, watching the waves, encouraging my loneliness.

we didn’t name this,
but we both know the shape of it.
soft i love yous
hid between poems and half-jokes,
tucked in between messages
that mean more than they say.

she says she can’t give me
what i deserve right now,
and maybe she’s right.
but i’ve never been the type
to count losses
when i already found
what i wasn’t looking for.

we’re not clean,
not easy,
not ready—
but we’re here.
still writing,
still hoping,
still stupid enough
to believe in something
even when we’re not allowed to hold it loud.

it’s not perfect.
it’s not public.
but it’s ours.

and there’s nowhere—
nowhere at all—
i’d rather be.

I thought we were over
That day people spread my name-
Like a curse
It scared me shitless
But you listened
You stayed
And I love you more for it

I’m not sure where to start
I can start with endless apologizing
Or that can be the end so my point is clear
Or I can just not
Maybe I’ve done enough already

Enough damage to you
To everything I touch
Or don’t touch

I know you feel cursed
Every time I come in to your life I go
But this time is different
It’s different because I hurt you

I did promise
That I wouldn’t leave
And to be honest
When I promise to you it isn’t restricting my actions
It’s telling you what I believe and plan and will do

I know I broke a promise
A huge one
And I beat myself up every second for it

But it doesn’t change anything
I’m still here
I’m hurting
But there’s nobody I’d rather talk to
No one I’d rather support
Than you

And I hope I can help take away my damage
I hope I can make you happy again
And I won’t stop trying

I can’t beg anything more from you
I’m here though
Forever and always

Again
I get it
And I’m sorry
Obviously I didn’t mean that
The initial anger has been built up
Every complaint I walked you through
Knowing if you chose me
Which was impossible
Things had to be this way
I guess

It hurts to hurt for someone
While they hurt
And they wouldn’t if it was you

So yeah
To put it all together
I love you
And there’s nothing that can stop it
There’s also one person who can start it
And it can’t be done
I know
I shouldn’t have let you convince me
I knew it wouldn’t happen

And by the way
No shot you mentioned me saying I won’t let you leave easily
The only reason I do is FOR you

But I’m not mad
I care
Way too ******* much
I just hurt
We all do
That’s life
I guess

Something you ask a lot
Is how I manage to keep seeing you wrong
I don’t think that’s it though
I see you how you want me to see you
Everything is perfect
Even things you’d argue aren’t great
I love every inch I’ve seen
And I’d like to explore all of you
If that’s alright