It’s not always bright
there can be darkness
but it’s got a bit of sentimental value to it there’s joy to be caught
even in small amounts

This fruit tastes like nothing
I think after brushing my teeth
This apple juice tastes sour
Yet still I drink, fearing being noticed
Morning anxiety, morning problems

You’re not here
And I know it’s okay, because you’re safe
I’m just stuck keeping my thoughts to myself
Yet if you weren’t here, I’d have never opened
Morning loneliness, morning problems

I feel sick
Every morning
Nothing can fix it
It only goes away when I tell you about it
Or I can’t worry about it
Because I’m worrying about you
Morning sickness, morning problems

So are you my queen in gold armor
Because you seem to fight off
The morning problems

You made me happy
Truly happy
But I guess
That’s not how you wanna go out

It’s the way both of us think the same way, and can talk ab ourselves or one another and feel at ease
The fact we can talk endlessly in our own world and time just continues to speed up, and that even when one or both of us is taken, it remains to be apparent to others there’s hearts around us and in our eyes
But they only resonate in secret, fearing the consequences of being found out

Smile and laugh
My typical my code to fit in
Not sure how I made it
Or why I feel like it doesn’t work

I walk with my group
Split off from my best friends
But are they really friends if they abandoned me
I don’t feel joy here
I’m just trying to fit in

I also feel happiness
I’m like a broken clock still making the ticking sound
I wonder if it’d be different born fixed
Or if I’d still think the same

The person I am
It doesn’t really apply anywhere
I know I never have
I think I never will

Just trying to fit in
Make myself a character to keep around
Cause I’m not a person
Just an object to use and hate

I miss you
Not in the way a high schooler misses an ex
The way a spouse misses a life partner

Just Swingin in this hammock
My brother pushing it side to side
Crafting up words to write in my head
But I know won’t sound good on paper

I always write them for you
Even when I just form it in my head
And when I think of nothing
It’s about you
When I think of everything
It’s everything you
So here goes, the lines in my head
Don’t judge me
I’m only sixteen

I think about life
But I think about you
What are the definitions of these words?
I don’t see a difference
Couldn’t take you out of my mind
Not because I’ve tried
But because I wouldn’t ever want to

Eliza is the name I’ve always wanted to call
Not just at random of course
But because it’s perfect for you
I think I knew your name before I knew your name
I think I knew what we could be

I’m letting down the barriers indefinitely
I’m staying completely open
But only for you
It’s only worth it for you

It’s all for you

So
Yeah I’ve just been living life
Um
Screenshots?

It’s real
It always will be
But it will never be

I’m *******
At this bus of non jazz enthusiasts
At my right *** cheek for hurting like hell
At my best friends for ditching me
At myself for holding it all in

This is too much
Life is too much
The world is too small
Yet if it got any larger I’d lose everything
Even myself

I want a way out
A way out of fighting
A way out of hiding
A way towards fairness
I want to walk into a room making smiles
Not painful whispers
Silent looks

I’m notoriously known for being easy to do wrong
By everyone
And I take it like they don’t matter
Because I don’t think I do
I can’t be blamed for this anymore
Can I just be nothing
A musician who can’t be close to others

Nothing ever works out in my world
Every opportunity is met with horror
Even my passion for music crumbles

I want a way out
An option to quit
But not to die
Not to restart
To be left alive

Please tell me
Do I give up on her
Do I let her mom decide our future
Or do I put my foot down
Do I let myself have what I want

I either give up on something I-we can never let go
Or I stand patient and stubborn

I don’t want to die
I’d like a chance to improve
To prove my worth to everyone
I’m just not sure how long I can hold out
Not like this

I know it’s not simple
I know I can’t be a solution
But I’m still here to help
And maybe some of the words I put down will make a mark
A mark significant enough for you to see your beauty as I do

You’re not weak for coping as you do
You’re open to me about it and you know what you’re doing
I see strength in finding a way to not hurt others
It does hurt, maybe sting a bit, to see your pain
But I understand and I’m not capable of judging you for it

You have a lot of care to give
It’s a thing I admire about you
You’re focused, you aim to achieve, even not knowing what you’re doing
Don’t let your accomplishments diminish because of what ifs or buts
The truth is it could never be enough
Could
But it is
And next year I’ll be cheering you on just the same
Don’t worry about results, trust yourself in the process, enjoy it, and don’t beat yourself up for being human
I’m sure the first chair is just as much if not more bummed by not making regions

Your self image isn’t how I see you
Nor how anyone else does
And I understand why you think the way you do
It’s something I beat myself up for as well
But there’s nothing wrong with you
If there was I’d be the first to tell you
And here’s the list of things wrong with you:
.
.
.
.
Everything I see in you
The easiness to understand
And the love that boils up until it shoots out
Whether it be in a poem or a text or a glance
Makes you easy to love
And to hell if it’s just me who sees you as great as I do
I know in my heart your worth
To yourself, to me, to the universe
And to be frank with you
It’s never gonna be enough for what you deserve
I just hope you can find me deserving
And easy to love

Just a theory
If I couldn’t look you in the eye
Was it because of your beauty
Or my fear of the pain to come
If it was
It was worth every gut wrenching moment

I’ve changed my mind
Things are much different than I saw
And for some reason, against all odds
I’m back in the same spot, with different people

Except for one
One remains constant
One remains important
One remains special

The one, perchance?
Well it can’t be
Not only for the unopen circumstance
But the people around us don’t associate nicely
I’m not seen as built or mature
And you, well, can’t argue with that

Against all odds
We maintain the same situation
Across all possible barriers
The end seems to be inevitable
Wishing, hoping, and never ending

Quite ironic, isn’t it?
No matter how much we desire, or hope
No matter how many women I put between us
No matter how long you stay with him
We still find one another
And things fall apart again

But it’s always broken
It only fixed when you were here
Even though you really weren’t, and neither was I
Having us was special
And this time
I’d like to keep it like this
Even without hope
It’ll just have to be
Bestie,
Against all odds

Anything.
Anything at all.
I just want to end up with her.
I know her secrets, her issues, all the problems she thinks she has and knows she has.
I just see beauty in it.
I see beauty in her.
Beauty in her.
Her
Beauty

Are we really doing this **** again

Hey twig
You’re a pretty hot twig

You asked me if I’m in
Kind of silly if you ask me
Oh wait
You did

I’ve been wanting you since I first heard you speak my name
So sweet and innocent
The way you said it nobody could repeat
Except for the one

I’m sure of it
Convinced

And right now
I’m not fighting alone with a tortured heart
I’m joining forces
One tortured heart to another
We’ll find our way through
We’re already together
And I won’t lose
You
You won’t lose
Me
You and Me
We work like peanut butter and jelly
I’m stuck to you
Best believe I’m not going

Can we do airplane arms on the 45 again
Can we learn Dexter together again
Can we do so many things we’ve dreamed of
Text me and kiss me
Call me and hug me

Girl I want you so bad
I got it bad and it feels so good
That’s how I feel for you

My heart won’t stop pulsating for you
And I don’t want it to either
You’re the one
I want you

For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been.’
— John Greenleaf Whittier

Hours passed,
Turning into days,
Then to months,
Until it had been almost a year

I still remember
The days of sleeping on the couch
Haunted by my bed
My outlet
My tv

I thought that night would never end
The morning felt like a typical colorful day
We were talking about random things
You complained about your allergies
But then
In one snap
Everything darkened

I can’t remember the exact amount of time
Could be 7 hours 32 minutes and around forty two estimated seconds
I spent awake on the couch
Staring at the wall
Thinking of us
Or what used to be us
Probably what could’ve been us


And soon came a long era
Of lying to myself to create brightness
Of emotions I couldn’t contain
Thoughts that triggered me
Until it almost consumed me
And I was back in school
Surrounded by you

God I prayed that I would be around you
Even though I knew nothing would happen
I’d fight my best friend over standing next to you in the stands
But I’m glad I won every time

I know the story is you hurt me in the fall
But in truth,
You opened my heart back up
And although you took the hits from that
It made the inevitable make sense
If something is impossible,
And makes sense,
What you’ve got is something
And that’s not to give up on

I’ve always seeked approval from you
Wanting you to see me as something to keep
Or to obtain
Life just doesnt work that way though
I can’t make you want me
Which is why the inevitability is my second greatest ally
The first would be you

Those gorgeous deep blue eyes
Stunning gold hair
Tempting lips I’ve thought of for over a year
And behind all of that, a person
One who understands everything I say
Who cares about me more than anyone else
And makes every moment impossible to not smile

This is the kind of person they depict in the movies
I thought it couldn’t be real
But then here you are
Smiling every time our eyes lock on
I’ve been calling it fate
But it feels more like purpose

I don’t want to be here if it isn’t to make you happy
I feel like there’s a necessity
To make sure you’re okay
And to do my **** best to do well beyond that
Whether it’s sitting in band talking about Dexter Gordon
Or late night texting about our future
I’ve wanted this
And now that it’s here, I want to be here to stay

Call me ignorant
The way I can’t be convinced you’re not everything I need
Call me a fool
For not giving up even when it gets difficult
Call me love drawn
The way I always come back to you
I really don’t care
All I care about is you

The days of doing airplanes on the 35
The ease of moving into depression
Hurting but wanting
Hurting from wanting

It was like clockwork
Each day I would fix everything
Only to make it worse
Wanting what I couldn’t have

Now I work harder
I do more than ever
Yet there’s still the hurt
Maybe it’s time to **** want

When you look into my eyes
The whole world stops spinning
It’s just us
Floating across space and time
I can read how you feel
Observe your beauty
All I wish in that moment is to stay with you

You’re always here to care for me
Even when you’re not doing well yourself
Or you’re battling stress
Or having a good time
A week of being sick shouldn’t be needed to make me realize how much you care
And it’s not
I truly do know and appreciate you
Even more having survived the week with your love and care

The warmth you send through me
Filling my heart
Trembling my bones
Making me blush
Can get me through anything
You make me feel happy out of this world

So I can’t lose you now
Or tomorrow
I can’t lose you ever
You’re too good, too perfect
I want you to stay forever

I want us to stay forever

I know you won’t stop
Just keep being careful
If I go to class one day and you’re not there
And I hear you won’t be back
We’re both not gonna be there
And we won’t be back

The day I saw you play my piano
Making everyone smile
Singing like no one else was in the room
It changed my life forever

I started taking piano lessons
I think you graduated by the time I got anywhere
But I wish I could’ve told you

My sax started seeming like a goal
Not a thing I picked up to “practice”
What is practice anymore
It’s just for my enjoyment
It’s a hobby
A habit

Now I’m earning district medals
And it’s because of you
And I don’t know how to tell you
You created my life
Thank you

We wrote poems like promises,
paper hearts folded between the lines.
not always together,
but never apart in the ways that matter.

I chase music now,
like I once chased understanding,
and I finally feel found in it.
but there’s still a note missing,
and it sounds a lot like you.

I say I’ve let go,
but my hands never learned how to forget you.
I move forward,
but sometimes I wish you’d catch up,
or maybe I’d slow down.

I don’t want to need you.
But I don’t want to lose you.
And maybe that’s love,
or maybe it’s just what’s left of it.

But you’re still there.
And I’m still me.
And somewhere in that mess
we still link.

Looking out over the waves
My shoes making endless trails in the sand
Washed away by the thick foam
I realize nothing matters
We’re on a rock in space
Filled with billions of emotions
I’m not special
Nobody is worth a **** in the end

That’s how I realize it’s real
Because even when nothing matters
When I’m out here in the middle of nowhere
Far away from everything
I still think you matter
And I wish you were here
Or there
Everywhere
Just with me

Even if it can’t happen
I still want you to
Maybe there isn’t the one
Maybe some people don’t have anyone
Maybe some have multiple
I just know for a fact you’re the one
I’m not deciding
So it’s you or alone

My happy poems
My love poems
Are actually blowing up

So maybe
I was wrong
The people did like happiness
At least for us

Layers
Of emotions
Depths
Of pain
The weight of the world
Resting on top of my heart

I don’t know why
I let myself get frustrated
How conveniently it maxed as soon as the moment came
If I had just begged
Listened to my heart
Then at least if it wouldn’t have worked
I could know it wasn’t me

But instead
I got mad
For my own mistake
I’m just frustrated with myself really
Because I say I can’t have anything
When I send it all away
At the first opportunity
Without even thinking

I don’t struggle with actions
Not at all
I just can’t decide
I never know what’s BEST
I just know that you are
Which makes me the worst
For everyone
For you
For me

Why can’t I stop
Where am I getting these words from
Each line
Each sentence
Feels like a desperate cry
For dreams to meet reality
For your hand to be placed in mine

When does it end
When does the reality check land on us
When can I finally be done dreaming
When can I instead be living
A life I can built with you
Pure and genuine

We won’t give up
We won’t retaliate

We can’t fight non verbalized wars

My hearts stays pure to you

As it’s the only version of me that’s true

I’m sure you have the slightest clue

All I want is you

Girl you’re the only thing that makes sense in life

The only person who understands
Only one who listens
Only understander
Only listener
Only true lover

So the words fly to my beating heart
I’m wondering
Do yours flow too
And if so
May they speak to me

I’m not sure where to start
I can start with endless apologizing
Or that can be the end so my point is clear
Or I can just not
Maybe I’ve done enough already

Enough damage to you
To everything I touch
Or don’t touch

I know you feel cursed
Every time I come in to your life I go
But this time is different
It’s different because I hurt you

I did promise
That I wouldn’t leave
And to be honest
When I promise to you it isn’t restricting my actions
It’s telling you what I believe and plan and will do

I know I broke a promise
A huge one
And I beat myself up every second for it

But it doesn’t change anything
I’m still here
I’m hurting
But there’s nobody I’d rather talk to
No one I’d rather support
Than you

And I hope I can help take away my damage
I hope I can make you happy again
And I won’t stop trying

I can’t beg anything more from you
I’m here though
Forever and always

“You won’t have to deal with me after this performance!”
I say
My plume blowing
The wind roaring
“Maloney, I have to deal with another year of you!”
He sounds spiteful
I didn’t like that
I know I’m annoying
I’m a freshman
It’s dark out here
I’m just being open

I kinda wish you didn’t graduate now
I lost my innocence
Since that time you crashed out on me
We’re pretty similar though
Music is our lives
We liked the same woman!
Make that two
And I know you’re probably jealous
But I hate it here
I wish I could’ve been left to grow

But hey
Here’s the thing
That’s just life
So whatever brings us down
We know where we’re headed

Goodnight…
How many times have we said that
Wasn’t the first time because you were tired
Before the second snow day
Full of conversation

I miss the cruise
Both halves
Because it felt okay
I could hang with my family
Talk to you
You were basically at every table
In the hammock with me
Writing poetry with me

We said goodnight
This time’s different
It’s not a promise for me
It’s an empty resemblance
That I’m still the same
And always will be

If you take me away
And I come back the same
Not even trying to
Maybe I’m broken
Or maybe this is fixed
Either way
It’s gonna **** when you’re gone
And I know
I’m imagining another goodnight

I can’t stop writing
Maybe the inspiration is what I’d be saying to you
Or it could just be the aching of my heart
That wasn’t here for a month
Just to come back worse than ever

It’s cold
At the beach
Even with a flannel
I’m shivering

And I keep zoning out
I don’t mean to
But losing myself in my thoughts
Old our thoughts
It’s nicer than reality

I’m a ******* disappointment
For everyone
There’s nothing I can do to help it
I’m just not happy
I have no energy
I have nothing

All the trust
The energy
Love
It only mattered with you
We were a source for me
The only way I could be human
But I’m just a monster
A shell of a person

I used to search through my purchases
Before the months passed too soon
I’d count the days from each that you left
The further I got, the more lost I felt

When the day came
That April 20th and April 22nd faded
My dinner with my friends marking the night before
I lost it
I convinced myself you were better without me
I told myself I wasn’t deserving

It didn’t make it easier to feel it

Our bond

Which lasts through all rough and tough
There’s no way I keep going without you
And I don’t mean that in a disastrous way
I’m always here, you’re always there

It’s us

And I’m glad we’re not tied to pain
I’m no longer cursed
I’m found

Your golden hair illuminates my mind
Gorgeous deep blue eyes haunting me
But not in a bad sense
In the sense of:
I wish I was looking into her eyes right now
Because I feel the safety of a home with you
Something even my family can’t offer me

It doesn’t matter how long
I just want to talk to you
Breathe alongside your mega lungs
View your every breath
Watch in astonishment as the beautifully immaculate figure of you sends lightning into my heart

I’d give up thirty minutes every day of my life
To practice with you
Pretend to be listening when I’m actually bewildered by all of you
Tracing the side of your face with my finger
Laughing over some stupid mistake we make

I want to be with you
Not just as much time as possible
But all the time
In your mind when we’re physically apart
I like the idea of haunting you
I just want it to be in a sweet caring way

I don’t want this
I don’t like this
Not sure I can live like this

What even is
This?
It’s just a forced decision
To end a relationship
Of sorts

It’s strange
How I’m not depended on you to be me
But I still need you
Because I don’t like the me without you
Why fight the fight if I don’t come back to you

It’s like sending Superman out to fight aliens
To defend another planet
So he can come home
To an empty penthouse
With all her things
But nobody to call home
Is he even home
Or is it a shell of what had been

Not sure I want this
Not sure I like this
I’m stuck in a death loop
But I can’t burden anyone to let me out

A lifetime flew by
In a moment
Through a text

Did you see it too

Your lunch table is empty
A lot of tables are empty today
Life should be moving like normal for me
But it’s throwing some nostalgia in a spree

I used to overthink you sitting right across from me
Wondering if I make eye contact or ignore your existence
It wasn’t much of an issue once I had other issues
But somehow it’s all flooding back

I wish things were normal
You kicking my bag through the bars
Me giving you a random surprise gift
Life makes more sense that way
With the old worries

Life isn’t so bad
When I stop worrying about careless problems
I spent months following my heart
Worried about other people
When I had so many other things
That I should’ve prioritized

AP exams were a blast
I had holes in my euro knowledge
But I used the test to fill out the blanks
Human geography was fun
I knew all of it
I think I ate

Wildwood was amazing
Once I stopped complaining I just lived
I had fun
Stewart loved the ***** shorts
You’d be embarrassed
Got Sax?

I’m enjoying things
I’m not dying
Maybe I can’t eat
Maybe I’m not hungry
Sure I’ve missed practices
I’ve been pushed to third line JV
But Doc sent me a sweet appreciation email
I led the **** middle school trumpet section

I feel proud of myself
I know I have work to do
But to take all the drama
All the pain
And say I’m done
That’s more than enough
At least for me
To keep living

Maybe I should get off the site
Or make a new account
I don’t want to lose my library
Nor my audience

Everything I attempt goes to you in the end
Even if it was supposed to be a dump
Or a creation
Maybe that’s what I get for taking your site

I didn’t even remember
That this was yours
Until you reminded me
Just to be honest

Don’t forget

I play for you too
All the writing is about you
Every note is feeling you
Even if you don’t ever hear it
It’s still for you

-I can’t do this alone
Not really, I can’t without you, but I’m trying

-And as the earth burns to the ground-oh girl, it’s you that I lie with-as the atom bomb locks in
Well maybe not but mentally, and I still feel the connection even if it isn’t there or if it’s not what I think it is

-This time, I swear I won’t find someone new
True. At least I’m still able to live, maybe indefinite love can be burned indefinitely

-That you’re the one I want to go through time with
This song was rough, but yeah it’s all eternal and that’s the message, I don’t feel heartbroken, I feel accepting I’m forever yours and also alone at the same time

-oh, pretty baby
Don’t bring me down I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I’ve found you, stay
And let me love you, baby
Yeah it’s too late. But hey. Doesn’t make it any less what my heart is screaming alongside heath ledger.

That’s it, a lot of my fav songs, and the lyrics that most make me think about you. This is messed up but I still get those feelings I get talking to you, sorry if I scare you away.

I was listening
To every note
All the beautiful melodies
Each word spoken by you

I just couldn’t
Couldn’t look at you again that day
How could I see those beautiful lips in second period
And miss my world in eighth

I didn’t physically wave
But I stared at you through the art
I saw us in every corner
Don’t know why my brain is so confused about it being over

I listened
Just as I am now
Just wish I could do more
But we know I’m trapped