149 poems later, one can still trace you in my poems
I wrote you carefully in metaphors and words that scream
In the anagram that holds your lovely name

149 poems later I’m still stuck in this hedge maze life
I try to cut my wrist and let my tears speak the unspoken
I’ll try to cut the ones who surround me and be a new version

149 poems later, my feelings remain unspoken
For the most part, they’ll forever haunt my existence
Even if I bleed them out on paper

149 poems later, I wish to be left alone
i'm afraid to walk into the future
I'm taking my leave here, soon I'll be 20

it happens when you least expect it
"et tu, brute?" were the last words he uttered
before falling down on his knees
a witness to a horrific scene
where Brutus stood with the crowd of assassin
with his dagger in Caesar's heart

it happens when you least expect it
Caesar's cries echoed through the halls
the hurt was caused by a dearest beloved friend
who promised to stood by and defend the empire
Did Brutus ever shed tears or did he ever stopped his hands?
23 stabs but only one hurt that came from the one who he loved

you lost your dignity in my eyes
the moment i sat down to write-
about your impudence and lies
that you threw at me and said goodbye

a coward in the skin of a roaring lion
threw stones at my door after setting it on fire,
allow me to brief you about the damage caused
karma will always follow you, or whatever path you stroll

skin in flames, tears and my pain
you caused it all while i was grieving someone's loss
thought you loved me like i was your favorite flower
but you tore me apart from petal to petal

your prayer to ascend for heaven, will always remain as a wish
years of torture that you have me hiding under love's disguise
it will come to hunt you just like your memories haunt my dreams
and in that moment i will know that was my revenge

the town that once sat in the foothills
one night felt the terror of nature
someone was dancing with their lover
while someone was having dinner
and someone was playing with their kids
it all came down like the ruins of an empire
the rocks started to destroy the homes
then the water that followed swept away everything

They all witnessed the horror with their eyes
While this poet was horrified from what I saw on TV
Families stuck between the flood water, holding each other close
Gets thrown off from the height like a rock falling from waterfall
 
How can that fool sleep at night after watching this?
Just a little message from him into local newspaper
And the story settles to the ground, never rising again
Until more atrocious scenes baffles the mankind

Families searching for their loved ones
After the mud has settled to the ground
And water is flowing at a normal pace
But all that left are the little memories
In forms of clothing, pearls or
In their decayed form as a skeleton

you asked me, “how you’re doing?”
while pointing your gun on my head
when you could’ve brought some flowers
and said the same thing “you never felt like that”
i still would’ve forgiven you thinking,
you are still a kid figuring your feelings out
but you’re still in utter disbelief of my love
that crossed seas for you my love

now let me tell you how i am doing
tell you, “what your desertion brought me?”
summer went by without ‘summer love’
and fall full of depression
my eyes rained blood
and fog covered my whole world
with no place to call home

I have this picture of you—or should I say, I own this picture of you—
that I have kept hidden in my chambers,
neither inside my diary nor within a vault,
but frozen in time within my mind.

It is both painful and lovely to watch,
my lingering feelings keeping me tied to it.
Yet, all it brings me now are memories that ache.

"You're sitting and smiling, posing for a picture,
your eyes concealed behind silver glasses.

A month named after Maia
A transition from spring to summer
24 rotations on its axis
19 circles round the Sun
A boy born, his future uncertain
Years of hardship, keep enduring pain
Heart shattered at 16,
And haven’t recovered from the loss
Her body cremated and ashes in the river
Never got a chance to bid farewell
Turned 17, oh what a miserable life
School life turned to hell, full of rumors and lies
At 18, graduated from school
His efforts and work never came to ripe
I hope you’re okay on this fine Friday
Accept my regards as this poet turns 19
Cause I haven’t given up yet

for who i am right now,
i'm but the result of someone's monstrous generosity
first they would show you the bright colors
and later sink their teeth into your skin
was it a cactus hidden among the flowers?
or was it a snake in the lake?
this poet couldn't differentiate as
they both share their thorn and fangs with you
and for so long, i tried to make sense of it all
only to realize i was a passing object you never needed

'greatest' is just a title that cannot take away your pain
I saw a pianist, his eyes raging with fire in pain
he had his sleeves rolled up, revealing his veins
playing the piano's ivory keys with passion,
pushing the limits, pouring his heart into melody
only for his fingers to bleed, painting the white keys red

You never wanted to hear me out,
neither in the beginning nor in the end
But I stood at your door,
and so you stood your ground
"You never loved me," you mouthed with a stupid face.

I apologized to you as many times
as there are stars in the sky,
but the dark clouds obscured your view,
so my love remained hidden in plain sight
even when I was gone you held your flag above our grave

i could feel your touch even though you are miles away
lost in the thoughts of you and suddenly it’s 4 in the morning
“cigarettes smoke and my black jacket hold,
holds your aroma and our clothes on the floor”
hysterical of me to be this close
i opened my eyes and it’s 12 on the clock
it was a dream, a reverie never to be disclosed
of who it is about but one reader will know for sure

oh my! oh my!
i always prayed for days like these
“when i would run late for the class
and someone saving me a spot”
though something it speaks to me
of truth i’m facing bigger than my dreams
“this ain’t your dream college
this ain’t what you worked for”

but something it speaks to me
“avenoir a great this desire, till you see the worst”
a savior in the war
a refuge from my demons
shelter till i fly again
my cold barren land
has already dug my grave
i’ll stay till the summer arrive

my firm belief in your words
that i believed it to be true
you played your games
but hid your troops
“i love you”, is what you said
but it lacked the feeling of you
memories i woven on a tangle thread
but you burnt it down with me and you

ashes from your fire reached my crown
and our ill fated love reached oblivion
i tried, you tried and we both screamed at the sky
now that you’re gone, my cries cannot reach to your sky
my friends seek pleasure in my pain
my lover died before the age
my eyes cried in longing of you
searching closure but pain is here to stay

i don't know when but
i stopped receiving invitations,
i was already running low-
low on the number of people i could count,
they say everything happens for a reason
i also know that much now,
but i hate that it all happened to me
fate made me realise in the cruelest way possible,
that i'm on my own on these empty roads
yet it's good to walk alone, knowing i'm alone

I was always on my own
even when i was deserted by you
for months, your silence haunted me
and a battle continued to rage in my heart
as i set out to seek the answers-
"are you there? are you alive?"
that futile simmer turned gray
which was meant to be full of love
i held meetings in my mind
my heart was asking to believe you
but my mind concluded you betrayed me

everyone is going to their place of dream
their pen and papers screams pride and dignity
and in the fate's script it only talks about my failure
my efforts led me to nowhere but my defeat
i'm envious of everyone who got to follow their dreams

i learnt about the stars, galaxies and cosmos
so one day i could steal a portion of their shine
to add in my name
learnt a language to study in a foreign land
but my dreams collapsed, i cried, i state

yesterday august knocked at my door
today he is once again here
and asked me if I’m fine
with every week, month, year passing
the time continues to count days dear
since you sail on your ship to seek peace
leaving a part of you engraved in me behind

stole my peace,
pushed me into the storm
who once was oxygen
is now a poison pushing me to grave
never ever before my eyes punctured at night
never ever before i thought of goodbye
i knew the risk i was taking
i knew how it would end
yet i chose to love you for your words
i still do, i fear

winter knocked at my door
before it could bloom
staring into an abyss
i long for the days old good

deserted like embers from burning firewood
love took a huge rebound
still waiting for it to return
return in the best shade of blue

i saw the gray entering my periphery
the fog  covered my sense of insecurity
thought- the lost is for someone who are “us”
but my story didn’t even began

Fate played its dirtiest tricks on me,
Made me believe "our" and "us" would mean something,
Only for everything to end in the cruelest way possible
I'm still picking up my broken pieces

I had faith in myself, at least
I decided to follow the path my heart paved
I was mocked by destiny
And was finally brought down from the clouds

"Why can't we exist?" I screamed at the night sky
A lot of big challenges awaited with their schemes
I only thought about my love in that moment,
Unaware of the storm that would take away my dreams

be my death and wear my bones
be a ghost in my life and
come to haunt me every night
i'll sit at the cemetery
or you can sit by my grave
just for once be my death
a reason i could happily die

life feels too much
let it be one of my escape
use your knife and
make me bleed till
all that is left are my bones
or be a ghost in my life and
come to haunt me every night

betwixt the chaos and happiness
i'm feeling something
in the tranquil nature of wind,
in the tranquil sounds of birds
in the tranquil calmness of the pond
i see a reflection of mine
and hope for the eternal peace
to put out the fire
to challenge the eldritch figure
who has destroyed my home

i've been vexed by my haunting dreams
i've been vexed by the actions i take
each step i take feels like dying
each breathe feels like perishing
each thought feels like confined
time to quell this nearer or beyond the horizon
clouds of uncertainty surrounds this question
all i know is a place in my mind
where tranquility takes over my soul

mark your territory with those cherry lips
make me your altar, a sacred place to worship
mark me yours in places no else been
so bite me, kiss me and love me

i'll be your sitter, as you sculpt a figure of me
naked and alone, for your eyes to feast upon me
too much ecstasy will fill up our red glowing room
as you devour and left me in ruins

I took the punches
paying price of my convictions
like a withered rose
my pieces all over this froze
can't resist and can't let you go
I come back even when you bleed my bones

in my boat with a knife
floating on a silent, blue sea
what a serene beauty
bewitched by the cursed one
my boat is drowning
the moment's grace to draw the knife

climbing up high to touch the clouds
gray mountains are challenging me
my leg slipped, i'm falling down
the moment's grace to draw the knife

for me blue is a shade of gray
happiness is an illusion
always ending up in the same old cage
where death keeps a hold on my thoughts
an inner turmoil that is never at peace
poetry i write,
from every dying fragment of me

hold the rope tight, never let go of a safe hand
the journey ahead is far too brutal to make sense
what once seemed fated, shall shatter one's hopes
the idea of love was born from a poet's thought

lover's rose from the ashes to finish their lovelorn stories
heart wrapped in barbed wire yet still beating-
for the one who will break my heart
uncover new truths in each arc

in my periphery
you arrived at my door
with your guns and cannons
i wondered why the uproar?
marched into my house with full force
and aimed your cannons at my door
to destroy my peace and drag me to the sea
the celosia in my garden still flourishing in the war
been through your drought, my undying love
i hate you to your face
but I love you behind your back
my friends called it a “a toxic affair meant to be crushed
either by fate or by your lover’s hand”

at the cemetery of dreams
buried but not achieved
their dead soul rises at night
to haunt my existence
and remind those good memories

something i added on the fabric
something i penned on the paper
remain unforgettable
and I find myself reeling and mourning
days turned to nights
and nights turned to days
with no sign of goodbye

the chains that hold on to me
i kept ‘hold on to the memories’
now screaming looking at the sky
beacon tell me will I survive?

the chains of the past
and the pain stuck under my skin
the blood moon is on the rise
and something buried will come out at night

in chains of blood
in chains of memories
i try to survive
but haunting midnights comes after

your ghosts keep you awake at night
you hate the nights but are forced to be a nyctophile
night is supposed to be an hour of peace
but something burned rises from the ashes

goodbye came as if it’s always by your side
your eyes rained turning red in pain
but like a warrior, you keep that mask
hiding the painful truth behind that smile

you see yourself as a grown-up version
always trying to bring daylight into the dark
but what can you do in daylight with daylight
when in both hours, demons rule your mind

you carry a dagger stabbed in your heart
but suppress the tears full of guilt and pain
You’re a child of the moon
Light your own world for once

his wings were chopped at an early age
he was just learning to stand up and live his life
the cricket grounds are still lively without him
but his ghost still lingers around watching everyone

what could've been, what he would've been
they all haunt him in middle of the night
what he has become now is the result of ignorance-
someone whose heart was bleeding but ignored each dawn

unhealthy this obsession of mine
that asks you to use me at your will,
the room is glowing red and-
can hide your imprints on my neck

unhealthy this obsession of mine
to be burned by your touch,
your cigarette against my skin
and its smoke filling up my lungs

unhealthy this obsession of mine
to be deserted and left in ruins
your teeth biting into my skin
not everyone can see love through pain

our long lost love in depths of time
our story like a folk tale
started with a kiss and ended in a torturous goodbye
will passed down in time
to be recited for generations
was never too pure and dark

in my wistoragic periphery,
i saw you come and leaving
i wonder,
what if our mondegreen conversations
never led us to different places?
what if you would've been the one?
the one i would dance with
the one i would host parties with
the one i would sing my songs to
the greatest love of all time in our own movie?

all you wanted was the closure i never got
when you expressed the will to reunite
your crime was to abandon us at a time
when the need for a savior was too high

i got your message and plea in my court
you stood like a fool and defended your crime
calling my convictions a theatrical show
and apologizing in the end after stabbing a dagger

he collected all his hopes, dreams and wishes
hid them under floorboards of his room
letting them all rest in darkness
while burning in fire that comes from loss

he collected everything he had in himself
every star that was showed him
and when nights begin to bleed memories
they all rose back like ghosts in the fog

he collected every last bit of innocence
it was no longer the way to live
he must abandon the house he lives in
in order to fight something that isn't his

he told his child version to stay quiet
listen the voice through the cracks
silent all the voices from under floorboards
and rest in peace if he can't run away

they fight with their bows and arrows
while facing the one standing with a gun
they fight with giants millionth times their size
in terms of wealth, they're richer than old pharaohs

they fight with the monsters lurking towards their land
to claim it as theirs but they weren't even born there
they set the stage and talk about love
while their hunters hunt the indigenous

everyone flying high above the clouds
a gasp and i fell on the ground,
my blue ink is now red, glittering with tears
their blue ink fought the great war, the real winners
pain for evermore caused by the dagger,
a dream so grand, an epic defeat
a search party sent into the woods,
i pray now & then to rise
a latibule to reverse the augury
ended up in a chimera
someone set fire to the woods
suffering from asphyxiation
learnt about the twinkling lights in the sky
learnt about the script that was never mine
i dreamed to be so high, stargazer is just a word now
my dream shattered, i cried
an excruciating pain

Staring at the sky, pink-blue
That just cried its eyes out, dark-maroon
Emptiness from the inside, don’t know what to do
Close my eyes or hide inside my room
I cry in veil
As the man cut my wings
The defeat led to my feet
His actions, his words
Still haunts my existence
Should I stay or die?

Arrival of fall, rustling of leaves
Strangers walking down the alley
Far reaches from the city grounds
A girl, a charmer arrived in the fall
The planet on its tiptoes danced 16 times
To welcome new chapters in her life
In the trouvaille, I found a friend in a stranger
A friend I never knew I needed,
In my journey to love myself
The courage flowed like river from her words
Her aura that outshines moonlight
In longing of someone, she counts the stars
A hidden sadness behind the beaming smile
A hidden pain behind those eyes
In her happiness, the gunnen rises on me
Went through ups and down
She always fought the demons in her mind
A figure who loves “tea”, to be debutante in her prime
Have friends like poison ivy
But she knows how to live life

in the woods
dances a devil named hope
that is out to get you
it holds a power, so divine
it can set your life in flames
or grow daisies on your grave

do not step on the same steps
do not walk on the safe grounds
it will as you to take risk
give you poison or love potion
to see what it makes of you

on a little evening walk
lost in my thoughts
wondering what others are up to
while i'm left behind,
crushed with my own thoughts

the sky turned dark
cool breeze begins to flow
peacocks are singing
trees are dancing
clouds are weeping

i'm completely soaked,
not moving at all
dark clouds that heal
i want to drown
to come out alive

in search of closure,
I kneel on the ground
and pray to the god of sky
and ask him to take back gray
give me my blue sky
In search of solace,
I met a lot of travelers
With stories of unrequited love and
Hope for love in their eyes

The drought ended after 50 days
For to be back at my door in 5 days
A friendship built on love bond
The bond broke, I’ve nowhere to run
I turned into a ghost, never slept through the night
Cried all day long, a never ending torture
Without getting sight with tears in my eyes

i came across a case like historians
who failed to decipher scripts of old age
i failed to read his mind
who through his actions had put it on display
i failed to read his actions

kept his life locked behind the doors
never letting me in
and knowing
what he was going through
i foolishly
               tagged him
               blamed him
“for ruining our friendship”

the mizpah, the bond that kept us close
broke in an instant
bringing my world to an
“blackout”
my nights turned haunted again
the savior absquatulated me again
my ghosts began to rule over me again
leaving me in a state of despair

he is not cut out to live with all of this-
to live while bearing the scars
countless of spears in his chest
yet still breathing
blood all over the floor, returned defeated
every time he went on the war
with a hope that someday a savior will arrive
bearing a sign of peace and not bruises from a father

they flooded the towns with screams
that was louder than voice of their leaders
they flooded the towns with their signboards
calling out for help in the global south

the indigenous living deep in the forests
fighting everyday with a giant
with force so brutal that breaks their legs
but they still stand up and protect the land

the rich continues to get richer
while poor is forced to eat the mud
someone has gold shining across the neck
while someone's eyes shine with sparkling stones

you are a loss i will forever mourn even in my sleep
paralysed by the ghost of you that haunts me in dreams
i gave you my heart till you bleed it out
forced me to say words i never once believed

they say people are always blinded by the truth
"forever lost" is truly the lost case
i was here bleeding at the shore
when you departed to another sea

sitting on the dinner table
where instead of food, he was served cold
silence turned into words that hurt

sitting on the dinner table
he was served disappointment from others
who questioned his existence

sitting on the dinner table
his father made a loud thump on the table
spewed out his hate he always keep close

darkness that once I befriended
is pulling its strings and laid down it’s plans
the tales I recited following the shadows
of his and her, my and their life
are being used as a canon
to shatter decomposed walls
who plead me to say “yes”

with every single breeze,
with every single breathe,
i refuse to kneel before defeat
in my cold barren land,
every season feels colder
but I’m looking at horizon
waiting for that summer
to let the dear readers know
“i’m trying not to dissolve in the darkness,
that eternal excruciating peace”

the closest of my friend chose to desert me
your letter never engraved a word called sorry
but you shamelessly pleaded your case
that how it was me who was the problem

the closes of my friend chose to desert me
the one keeping a record of my wishes, my muse
and all the untold secrets i never refused to tell
every second chance was a new way to betray

maybe you are happy with your new friends
maybe you are happy with your new found love
maybe you are happy with chasing your dreams
maybe i'm happy with you no longer being in life

i'm this dramatic poet who should direct a theater
my friend returned to me after committing infidelity
i'm not his lover but a savior when he is in crisis
i wrote this plea as a way to channel my emotions