as I watch the protests from within
tearing down my streets my people
I have come to love and hate this country all at once
but in times of trouble and pain
the israeli people are my family
I feel my heart breaking all over again
but as well I remember the tears and blood
of the palestianians blood that is still fresh upon
the same land for the past 75 years of terror
see people think that its just the land of israel or palestine
but no its been a land of conflict and pain for a long while
a place where the greatest demons fears and patriarchial patterns
play out
I think that's why its one of the centers of the world
probably the only place.
You can feel the energies burning through seething
I can't explain it
only the ones who feel connected to this place
feel it
its as if the land cries
along with its people
the scorching sun
lights afire
and the people are on fire
for life for good or bad
I know that this place will prevail on
in some way
my place
my israel
my falestine
my middle east.

my whole life
i spent searching for you
for a love that would save my life
for someone to save me
from myself
from my pain
from my sorrorw
now I realize the love has been there for me all along
the love within myself
I realized I was always waiting for someone else
to give me permission to allow me
to live the life that
I want to live
the only permission that I need is my own
and what I realized was
that my greatest fear came true
but not in a bad way
I was always so afraid of being all alone
without friends or family
and I am
and eventhough it is hard sometimes
it is not as scary as I thought
its actually a blessing
to learn who I am
to learn how to heal myself
how to start accepting myself
loving myself and listening to myself
and my wants and my needs first
before anyone else's
to learn to proritize myself
many people when they are dying say
I wish I would've listened to myself more
and lived the life of my own choosing
I think this should be the goal before anything else
for in this body
we only live once
so the more I listen
the more I see
that life can be so beautiful
in its simplicity
in the present moments
of  a slower life.

The world is dark tonight,
as it pours
pours out ,
my soul within  it
the lonlieness is like a scar within me
my face hardens i feel jealousy envy and so much pain
i see others around me so loved with friends a partner
and I ask why not me ?
I am just as worthy as others
and I have been trying for years of my life to heal
feels like I have been given some of the hardest battles to fight
and I just want out alot
But I can't help it
I want friends I want to be alive
even though only now am I learning the super basics
in how to be a human
in what it means to be alive slowly
in how to cook how to eat how to clean
and maybe even how to sleep
how to care for myself
watching movies shows pop culture and music
that most have watched and seen their whole life
while my life was sheltered by viscious abuse
and by totalitarian cults.
hoping the darkness ignites the darkness in me
and I will find my place within it
with my people inside of it.

The day of yom kippur this past year
has been so very traumatic
that I never even wanted to touch on it
not in therapies not in my writing
but it keeps on ebbing and flowing throughout my mind
every day or two or so
and that when I met you again three weeks ago
you brought it up
how that was the last time you saw me
in my bikini
after one of the many ****** assaults
that happened that day publicly
had occured
you told me
you had watched me  go to  the pool
and watched me while I meditated
you remarked
how I have been wanting to tell you
how much I admire you
that even after something so horrible had occured
you went to the pool to meditate and sit with yourself  
how I learned  english
to be able to talk to you
how much I wanted to talk to you
for you are bisexual like me
and you understand...
I do understand your  soul and heart
so similar to mine
that you saw me at my darkest hour
and still saw my beauty
I wished I could tell you how much
that meant to me
how when I see you
even in my darkest moments
you light me up
I feel so happy
I feel like you actually understand me
I feel safe with you
for I haven't felt this way with any man
in the longest time
how all I want to do
is to take care of you
to laugh with you
to make sure your okay
how when we talked
it seems how we have many similar life experiences
how it seems from the moment I met you two years ago
you lit up a place in my heart
that hasn't touched me in a very long time
for my heart and soul has been mired from the extreme abuse
I have been through
how you saw my abuse and made sure
I was okay .
How you are so very sorry.
I just wanted to say you were the light
in my deep darkness
on such a horrible day like that was.

my trauma
didnt even allow me
to dream
yet alone
think
or even be who i am
without always being in a trauma response
i can't say i have moved past that fully
but i am learning slowly
and i am learning to slowly have goals
for myself
for my life
to pick up myself
beneath all of the rubble
to start to stand
with my head high admist all
of the rubble

I see you in my mind's eye
pleasuring me
being inside of me
feels like bliss
I miss you
your lips
your eyes
your **** quiet look
that  way that you can  look at me from
across the room
and I feel warm inside
no one says, its just about that
to me it's not
to me I really liked you ,
even though it was only just  once
I think about you almost every
single day,
the hot desire
the feeling of being effortless
with you
at the cafe
you being my gentleman
and I your princess
I miss that ,
and the way you whispered
to me
I like you like that
you are so ****
you turn me on so much:)
I like to think about those thoughts
with you ,
I wonder if you still
think the same
bout me ?
;)

I went out without wearing makeup
without feeling the need to constantly
check myself for perfection
and I ask myself
why can't woman
just be allowed to be human?
Why do we have to shave to
look perfect the whole time
to birth children
and still be expected to always function perfectly
why are our bodies constantly  taxed objectified
in **** movies music and in so many relationships
why do we have to wear makeup
to disguise our beautiful
so called imperfections
that are just so human
why are we fed lies so often
that we must shrink our bodies
our pain
and laugh off our abuse
our rapes our ****** abuse
our ****** assaults
why do we have to always say but its not everyone
its implied
why can't we just be allowed to walk home
without always feeling cautious
why cant we go to parties alone
why can't we just live alive
in our beautiful bodies
and not be hated.
I can't wait for the men to heal
and for the women to heal and
that maybe one day
the world can be a better and safer
place for us
and for all of the future woman
all I know is
the amount of violence that exists
makes me so so angry and so hurt
I wanna turn away
I wanna look away
but I can't because its my own face
staring back at me
begging me to tell our story
begging me to feel my anger
my anger at all the men
that made so many aspects of my life
very messed up for a very long time
that I still cry about every single **** day
of my life
for a very long time
and I when I didn't cry
I drank I numbed
for the pain
that I felt  
for the shudders
I felt in my body
when I felt the men objectify me
abuse me  use me violate me
hurt me in the worst ways possible ,
it is  a pain no human should ever experience.

For in my religion
it is taught
that women are blamed for everything
for every **** thing
and still we must be submissive
and they tell me" that this is life".

No I always yelled
it seems like slavery,
so I yelled I fought with my voice,
just to be woken up to see the non religious world ,
a pretty bad place as well .
So I guess this is my silent but loud cry.

since I was a child
I carried the shame
of feeling wrong
of feeling that I shouldn't be the way that I am
that I shouldn't view women in that way
that I shouldn't feel so much desire for them
that I shouldn't love them the way that I do
that I don't want this burden in my life
I feel like so many straight people
don't understand their privelage
especially the religious ones
I often wonder who else grew up gay or bisexual
from my religious class
are there others that are forced to live in quiet silence ??
I always felt afraid
and now that I am facing more of myself
and I watch the world around  me becoming more
homophobic
I genuinely feel scared and afraid to be out
I spent my whole life hiding
I don't wanna hide anymore
I wish I long for a world
where I don't have to worry if my country
will pass laws against me
where I don't have to walk in fear .

I feel the holes inside of me,
The pain of witnessing and knowing unimaginable horrors and destruction feeling hopeless,
The music plays
Of ancient sounds old and new.
I hum along
Read stories of anguish
From a mere three hours away from me,
Divided and separated by language sound, cultural divides and walls.
But not by heart.
Never knew I could feel so much,for those whom,I was taught to hate for whom I was taught are different,
In their humanity.
When no we are all one!
Despite our perceived difference,
We are all human deserving and worthy.
Their anguish I carry along with me,
A brutal reminder to not dehumanize
As the music gets louder
My heart grows softer.

I remember laying on the beach with you
the night we met
talking beneath the stars
about conciousness about life
about lonlieness
and at the time
I didn't quite understand your words
or understood why a man as talented kind
and as loving as you
wouldn't have friends
but now I see 2 years later
I see why
you told me
I was your first kiss
at 25
we kissed under the moonlight
not sure if it was because you had a bad vibe
or because my heart was so wounded
that I was so afraid I pushed you away
I still think about you form time to time
and wander how you are,
if we could catch up talk about life
over a cup of coffee
interesting how you don't seem to
value things until they are no longer
there in your life.

You make me
wanna write poems about you
You have been on my mind for so so long
probably because you were honestly
one of the most handsomest men
I've ever met in my life
that was so so my type
and the funniest thing was
that at the time
I never realized that
We met in Jerusalem
I thought you were gay
because you were so beautiful
the most gorgeous hair
the most beautiful eyes
that I could get lost in
forever
the most beautiful  earrings
we sat on the bed
in your room with all your plants
and pleasured me
I dream of you all the time
we sat on my bed and spoke about
concioussness in hebrew
it seemed fluent on my tongue
when I was with you
I held your curls close to my face
carrassed your hair
stared into your eyes
with lashes so long
you walked to me barefoot
and asked me how you looked
and I told you handsome
you are always so handsome I said
it seemed fate brought us togehter
how weird that was.

You told me how beautiful I was
and that you didn't need anything from me
just to hold me and kiss me
maybe it was because eventhough
you were probably a bit of a player
you showed me that a man can be
romantic sweet and a pretty boy
who is deep
and that people like you exist
so I don't know what this poem is about
but I wander about you
so much
I hope maybe we will meet again
in another metaverse
or down the streets of Florentine
or Dizengoff Telaviv
I wander what that would be like
I love the pretty boys
I try to convince myself
that I am always just gay
but I gotta admit
I love the pretty boys
the ones who are deep kind
have a great fashion sense
and love to strum a guitar
the men that I was always taught not to like
that they weren't "man" enough
but to me they are
because I think real men are kind
loving sweet and beautiful .

I saw his face
As I encountered  one of my enemies,
and I told  him with pride and with so much anger inside me
"I know what you did to me
last night on the porch
and I will tell everyone ,
until you get punished.
You will know how to properly treat a woman."

As the boss of the hostel
spat words in my face,
as he blamed it on me.
I knew again
what it was,
my body,mind and soul remembered
that it was just like
when I went to the police stations
for the other men who had hurt me and violated me
and how noone cared , how they told me
that I was messed up, how they treated me like I was
a ***** little ****.  
How I was blamed for it again and again and again
how the inner child ,the inner girl inside me
was drowning in so much pain ,
bleeding from the pain and humuliation
that burned so much,
when the abuse burned me so much ,
that I had no where to stay and no one to talk to about it,
and I thought I would die  inside and outside.
All I wanted  my whole life was to be safe.
So again I ran...
I ran away from,
the toxic  religion that I had left 3 years ago ,
that politely taught me
and not so politely lied to me
that if you were modest you were safe,
or that the way you were treated was based entirely on you .
Than I ran away from my country ,
ran away to a new country
ran to different people
who pertended to be my friends
while really they were just lighting me more on fire
with their pain and mistreatment.
I ran all the time from myself
because it was something,that I was good at,
cause I didn't want to face
the little baby inside,
who had been betrayed
by her own tribe.

:

I would love to dream of a world
where my daughter never knows what
****** assault harrassment or **** is
where she has loving parents
where she is loved and celebrated for the light that she is
where she is allowed to eat as much as she wants
where all of her quirks are seen as "normal"
this should be the basics
and this is what I wish I would've had.
Now I will give this to myself
and be my own mommy.
I will break my family's horrible patterns of abuse
and I will take my future back.

I should've seen it
maybe I did
but I didn't listen
came in dressed to the party
as a NEO ****
making **** jokes
NEVER MIND
YOU KNEW
my family was murdered by them
by people
LIKE YOU !!!
I scrame
FAKER
ABUSER
ASSAULTER
I AM NOW
SHREIKING
INSIDE
AGAINNNN
It HAPPENED AGAIN
Now all I can do is play music in my house,
do you understand
every holiday and sabbath of my life
was ruined by a
MAN"S TOUCH!!!!!
FIRST
MY DAD '
than
ALL THE OTHERS !
WHY CAN"T ALL OF YOU
HORRIBLE MEN
JUST DIE
leave us in
PEACEEE
only the
GOOD MEN '
GOOD PEOPLE REMAIN
HERE
KARMA is done.
justice is paid .
THINGS ARE DUE
DON"T BELIEVE
THAT I AM WEAK!
I am the keeper of  the shadows,
I AM learning to be the master of my shadows
everyone says to be scared of the darkness.
BUT I just learned  to embrace
see there is nothing wrong with darkness
it is where we are all from
the womb
MY LILITH is with me
AND if you dare mess with me
I see it
they don't talk about deep healing ,
people think it comes from flowers and angels
but NO
It COMES
from HEARTWRENCHING SCREAMS
CRIES
FEELING TRAPPED
beneath your bed
in the bathroom
cutting out your arms
watching the blood bleed
bleed down your arms
thinking about death all the time
since I WAS FIVE
wanting to grow up
SO FAST,
SO FAST!
SO I COULD ESCAPE
watching shows and books
JUST TO GET OUT!!!!

When you have been in your darkness for so long
you don't understand joy for a while,
but than you learn that if you can feel the pain
the abyss of pain
than you can feel joy too
BUT FOR NOW
KNOW
I have been
BEATEN every part of me
DESTROYED
BUT NOW I'M RISING
AND NO ONE CAN EVER STOP
ME AGAIN
SO I press
BLOCK
on my phone
to all of you
and I wish you to hell!

If self love was a song it would look like
comforting my inner child
looking at her with love
listening to her cries
feeling her joy pulse out of her
in her beautiful curls from age three and on
it would look like
claiming myself
saying goodbye to toxicity
treating myself as number one
saying goodbye to the energy vampires
narcissits
doing the things that makes my heart leep with joy
it feels like dancing my *** of f
in the kitchen
hugging the trees in the park like no one is watching
petting the cats
allowing my freaky flag to fly
telling my child that she is always always so safe with me
hugging her ,crying with her
validating her feelings
learning to respect my no's
and learning to be my own safe space
it feels like sunshine freckles
beaches
warm water
reading all of the fantasy romance books
and feeling finally happier and freer.

I sit in the chair across from her
and I shake
violently
while recalling trauma
she reminds me to breathe
as I start to cry
she tells me how brave I am
but I am still trying to see it in myself
the journey of healing
of crying every single day
many times for hours
crying tears puddles of mascara
all over my sheets
my dolls
my hair
my eyes
tears of bravery of so much pain
that was never expressed
I shake out my trauma my pain
and I let it go finally
I get to breathe and allow myself to
just live breathe
and to slowly know
that it is okay to just live
that I can really just be okay.

It's like a hunger
but larger than one for food
that almost consumes me.
Its a hunger for love
for real acceptance
for others seeing me as who
I AM
without masks
with being able to be free
from the never ending ache and pain
in my soul ,
of utter rejection and torture
by my own flesh and blood,
each birthday that passes
each shabbat dinner that passes
and each  holiday that I live on ,without them.

Feels like a possession in a way.

I am  yet so free on one hand
but on the other hand I still feel  so trapped in pulsating pain

But why do we fear pain ??

maybe if we take our pain and our fears
and we learn to love it ,
to sit beside it,
with our demons,
we can learn how to truly love and live life,
more fully and more deeply
          
I am learning to accept
that this pain is me,
and I am this pain,
and I am my feelings, but I am also not them
that I can choose the trajectory  of my life
to learn how powerful I truly am.
               ^
How one look or stare
can bring people to their knees.
                     ^
see because  when you have lived through things like I have
you really understand pain more than anything else,
Pain is the central emotion,
that I felt so much that I was numb for so long
now I am carrying my pain and allowing it to be heard
slowly more and more
to sit in the fields
and to just scream my guts out
and to yell all the curses outloud,
                     ^
I have seen and lived through more pits
of unbearable hell.
Than most,
who  haven't survived,
nonethless I came out alive
which is a big feat in itself.
                            ^
I feel that I can read people's secrets through their eyes
the things they don't wanna tell others
the desires that they try to suppress deep inside.
                           *
But what I have learned
is that religion or culture might try to suppress
what they think
is "bad" or "wrong".

But that is what all humans crave on some level,
and until we sit and see this and own all of this.
only than can we be truly free
and it gives you true power,

Not fake power,
see I have met many "successful people"
in my life
but most lived in a prison
of the rat race
or of religion
and that is true prison ,
you can be rich and be free
it is all choice,
and I think the greatest power
is to be in the process
of truly being who you are
regardless,
if many reject you or hate you ,
usually it is because you have a really great purpose
in this world,
because the ones that people judge the most,
Are usually  the ones that are the most powerful desired
successful and happy people.

I feel so much pain inside
knowing that you are married
I literally couldn't see
how horrible you were to me
because you would mask it
with fake kindness
and because as a women
I was more trained to see that coming
from a man than from someone who was a close friend to me
you met me at such a vulnerable hard period of my life
I had just moved to a foreign country
I met you at a shabbat meal
we bonded over food
at first when we met
I was so attracted to you
I thought you were so beautiful to me
because in those moments you were .
We would go out drinking and partying
and although you were the religious one
you would party harder than me
I remember how so many times you would
leave me for dead
when we were around strange men
in the bars
and I would beg you to stay
to not leave me
I was so drunk I could barely move
and you didn't care
you only cared about having fun
and not about me
so because of you I experineced
so much violence.
I remember how I cried in those stairwells
begging him to stop
how I felt robotic
how you left me all the time
while promising to come back
how you would treat me like dirt
leave me on red
and make up some excuses for why
you are a shtty human ...
now honestly ,
You never once said I am sorry
until I begged it out of you,
you would talk to my roommates
who bullied me viciously,
became their friends
and even rented that apartment
in that house after I moved out
I saw that you got married
and although I would like to feel happy for you
all I feel for you is so much hate anger
and so much immense pain
I don't know why it took me so long
to see how much of a horrible person you are
a wolf in sheep's clothing
and soon you will move back here
and if I ever do see you again
I would love to spit in your face
and say Fk You!
No more to letting people walk all over me
and do as they please
I don't wanna care about being liked anymore
I'd rather be myself be safe and be around those
who actually see for who I am
instead of using me
for their own jealous gain.
Many times the ones who are the worst
are the ones closest to you
that you can't even see
now I am learning to trust the subtle red flags that I feel
when I meet someone so I don't meet a person like you again.

rebuilding my life apart from the toxicity
every time i listen to myself
cook myself a meal
spend a day in peace and harmony
knowing i don't have to deal with treachery anymore
healing is in the small things

I loved playing with dresses
wearing heels
and maybe that was the last time
that i felt that i could do so
that I could wear what I want and feel free
in that moment
because after that all I remember
is wanting to be everything  but myself
because nothing ever felt safe
to always be met with laughter and torture
whenever I would be my lovely feminine self
so I carried the wound of what some would say is gender dysphoria
but also just wanting to be anything that wasn't me
pertending I was my friend inside  ,  or an animal or a chair
just so I couldn't feel
the depth of painful rejection,
just so I could be free
now lately these feelings are here,
because I haven't felt safe
instead of pushing the feelings away
and listening to everyone else
I Am starting to listen
to the little voice
who says she wants to be free to be herself
to be powerful
to be strong
to be a girl
who loves dresses and is strong
for being that way
not weak
to love who I am
and to learn to embrace that
and to realize
there was never anything wrong with me
I was just brought into the world into a place with people
who could never love me
or appreciate my light
now I am choosing different
for my inner child and for myself.
Now is the time to choose power
to choose strength.
But most of all to choose love
to choose to love all of me
and that I never needed to long to be someone that I am not.
I alone have the power to change my life
and to save myself in the end.

It seems like the tales in my heart
are mired in my soul
scars on my body
are basically just tales of
intense violent mysogony
what I realized
was that  my femininity is not what I hate
its the longing to feel safe
to feel okay
in my womaness
to not equate my womanhood with violence.
        
I am healing
I am working on separating this
on healing the patterns of violence
that I was brought into this world with
from a violent man known as my father
and the men in my family
I feel the anger in my heart
that I have always carried and pointed towards myself
now all I listen to is metal music
and I feel so much comfort
in this music ,
that explains my emotions in words that I can't even describe,
What hurts more
is that I overlooked so many good men
because of the way that my violence,
has painted me into a corner
in my mind.
This is why I choose my healing
above all else.
When we are so mired in our pain
We can barely see that our HELL  is HELL,
because part of us thinks  that it will always be that way!


I called you crying my tears running down my face
waterfalls of pain,
runny mascara,
In the back of an ambulance
you my brother told me,
you were sorry
but to stop talking
because it hurt you ,
and you were too busy to come
help me!
Well guess what
there was NO ONE  ever to help me !!!!!!

I instead had to sit there in the hospital all alone
With nothing to my name
but Police records
Empty faces
pitying looks
And **** kits
I was too bruised too move,
There are some things one can't forgive
and this is one of them.

What's worse is this man who abused me ,
was like all the others
who preach modesty!

Why not preach kindness ,
love
equality
seeing women as equal,
as worthy of everything that you have
just because you have a *****,
doesn't make you better than me !!!!

One man who abused me called me
his femme fatale,
oh Hunny,I am worse than that if you mess with me!

I think for so long
I have been more afraid of myself ,
than anyone else
for the rage that is held inside of me
is enough to build buildings with !

So instead of telling you
TO GO  FUCKKKKK Yourself ,
which I have already done
to one of the abusers that I  had met  before,
I will say I remember it all
and my body doesn't forgive!

As the jewish new year comes around
in a few weeks,
I can count on my fingers all the sins that
all these horrific monsters of men
did to me ,
because men like these,
they aren't real men
they are monsters who pertend to be men.

I think about you when I touch myself
I remember the way you touched my heart
the way your hair felt in my hands
the way you kissed my cheek
and the way you flirted with me
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
and I could just forget you.

My whole life everyone has abused me
hurt me
tried to shrink me
laughed at me, when I was down
spat at me
and told me I was nothing.

Now you know whats even better
the men who laugh at me objectify me
the women who insult me my body
and who I am,
think that I am worthless
maybe you haven' experienced what I have in life,
but I will say this,
you haven't seen me in my villian era.

See many feminists
won't actually admit
that women
can be just as bad as men or worse
see it ain't about gender
its about a certein kind of people
who are rotten to the core,
and they don't show their face,
until after they are done.

But KARMA sees and knows.

oh so this goes out to all my haters
everyone that acted like my friend
and was my actual flesh and blood
who harassed my body
made ****** jokes about me
who hate me for just existing,
well really you just hate yourself
and when these things have happened to me
I would just wanna die
and say what's the point??

and I still feel that way ,
but this time
I am even more empowered
to be even more in my power
and to not allow those who are
toxic as hell
to take me down anymore!

One day I will meet my people
and the ones who deserve it will
get what they need,
because that's how the universe works
I trust it
I have my whole life,

always tried to be the good person
but no more.
I just laugh
because its always the men
who claim to be feminists
and woke,

its the women who pertend to be awakened and spiritual
y'all are just lying pieces of sht
so don't pertend to be awakened
when clearly your just a piece of hell.
I hope you learn your lesson
because I ain't being around you anymore.

I allow the dark feminine to rise within me
and I say enough is fcking enough!!

It took me so so fuking long
to realize what you did to me
I saw you today walking down the street
you piece of sht
when I asked you about your mental health
you told me you have great mental health
well no wonder
your a predator
a manipulative abusive
piece of sht
I am so so angry
I was trauma bonded to you for so long
You payed for all of my meals and pertended to be such a gentleman
I actually thought you were different than the rest
that I had met
after you came into my life
and broke me
I stopped dating and everything pretty much
I am so so angry
the anger feels like chaous inside
whats' more messed up
is because of all of the trauma that these men have put me through
I have been in so much pain for so long because of all of the unprocessed trauma
FK you
I will rise up
claim myself
and live a beautiful life
and get better and better with time
as a gaint FK You to you and to all the other
men who stole my innocence joy and love from my heart
and replaced it with so much pain for the longest time
and tried to bind me to you
but thankfully I got out
no longer a slave to other people
only in service to myself.

I feel exhausted
tired from life
from trauma
from pain
I would love to just be in peace
from the horrors
have someone listen to me
care about me
check on me
and want to know that I am alright.

Feel so lost in pain and quite sad

All I remember since living here
the past 3 years
is mostly lots and lots of hardships
I wonder to myself
is this all worth it?
I just don't know anymore ...

As I sit here crying all by myself
the pain of my life
just gets to me
everyday feels like a year ,
I've lost so much in my life
yet I still see the good in it
I guess, 
that it was worth it .

But when i interact with others
I just wish that I could have a family
that I could speak to,
or even just one good friend.

I don't think that's asking for so much ...
I checked my brother's Instagram today
after months of not,
and I wish I still didn't care
after the ways he has abused me so,
but I do
I worry
looking at his shaven head and his gaunt body
to the brother who was once
my best friend in this whole world,
the one that I felt,
loved me no mater what ,
but turns out that this was never love
it was abuse and trauma bonds,
which is reflected in the way that he now appears,
as this scary looking gangster man,
who cares more about money& his ego
than loving and caring about others.

And I just ask myself why??

But I think it was always this way
or maybe it wasn't ,
Life just feels so painful
in some moments .

I just so badly wish
that I didn't feel anything in my heart,
I feel so often
that I wasn't born for this world,
I am just so extremely sensitive
and I love with such a big heart,
that I remember every single fling
I had, and I still love every man who cuddled with me
and hugged my little heart so tight :(
To know that the ones that I loved
could care less about me,
bleeds with a soul knife
that  just likes to taunt me
all the time
with its memories.

honestly i don't give a f if its controversial
why can't people actually think for themselves anymore?!

I feel so fed up and so angry inside,
maybe to others they think,
why does she care so much ?!
because I was harmed by this ideology
of gender,
of telling me that I am not a women,
of dictating to me who I must be ,
of what labels and what pronouns I should carry ,
that it no longer feels safe to me to be in my own community.

Of brainwashing so many others
no what we need is a more loving society
where women can be loud
without being labled as masculine or non binary
where men can be emotional without being labled as gay
can't you see its just mysogony in another form?

gender ideology
thinks its making strides ,
when its really just erasing women more,
and allowing people to steep more into their self hatred
instead of allowing others to be humans
without giving them labels,
to allow those who struggle with dysphoria
to learn how to love themselves
to sit with their pain ,
to ask why do I feel this way??
what has caused me so much pain to make me hate my gender that I was born into?

For me I realized
I experienced so much violence  by men
that it made me hate being a women in many ways,
I wanted to feel strong
I wanted to feel that my voice mattered
so I thought, sometimes I wanna be a man ,
but after thinking more and more I realized
that isn't the truth,
its that the world doesn't feel safe to me
to be a curvy outspoken women ,
who is loud passionate and blunt.
to feel and recoil inside
when the creepy men stare at me
like I'm a  **** -*** doll on wheels ,
I just wanna scream
from the rooftops
I AM A WOMEN,
Allow me to be FREE!

I left religion because it caged me in a box
and now i see that ideologies are the same.
I encourage you to think for yourself,
despite the cancel culture.
for only then can we know,
who isn't a robot
and who is a human.
Humans have their own thoughts,
robots don't question anything.
so start to question.

maybe
learning to love ourselves
is trusing ourselves
to not invest in people time or places
that don't make you feel good
that don't align with who you are
or what you want
maybe its learning to open our eyes
our hearts our souls
to not hold on so tightly
to our five year plans
to learn to let go
and to have more fun
on our own
to find more people with time that align with our souls
to take care of ourselves our lives
to be disciplined
but also to be free
to dare to tell ourselves
we are beautiful
even when we don't feel like it
to give ourselves
notes of confidenence
to learn to stick up for ourselves
and to broaden our horizons.

liberal & conservative both are prisons with different features
in order to achieve the  true freedom you must exit both
and learn how to think for yourself !
see the lies within both and the truth in the end.
Learn how to  
exit the matrix

What does it mean to be here now
maybe its to come into the body
breathe in
breathe deep
to love life deeper
to love the little moments
to ground into the nature
to appreciate the sunshine
on the face
the feet in the earth
to change the vibration inside of you
to change the places that you congregate in

to think deeper about what you truly want,
to listen to different music
to have things aligned more
into a deeper reality
because conciousness
and all of us that live within it are so real

Crystals rocks plants
ants
are all my friends
ladybugs
cats and my colors
are my friends
kind people with good reliable souls
are my friends
my partner of my dreams
breathed into reality
living in sunshine in nature
in peace
in my purpose
creating music and healing
and helping to guide others back to their true self!
This is all that i crave and wish and call into my current loving reality.

Life doesn't need to be so hard
it can be loving  and so easy
its all a choice
and the choice is yours and ours to make !

Hunger
raw
inside
my stomach churns
it seems i can't ever get it to stop
to be satisfied
with the food that I feed it
feel so much fear around food
around eating
am I eating too much
or too little
will it make me fat
will it heal me
will it make me sick
all I know is since the age of five
I was put on diets
for my "health"
and my stomach would ache
and I would cry and scream
I remembered today
the wounds
how I would go to bed hungry
how I was threatened that if I didn't behave
I wouldn't eat
how I would store the candies
in my drawer
how me and my brother made a game out of it
how I would take the candies from my mom's purse
how my mom would eat it and would tell me that I couldn't
how my brother would cry out at night
from hunger.
I see patterns
calling out from the depths of my internal darkness
wanting to be heard and seen
maybe others see me today
and think that I eat too much
because I am no longer a size zero
more like a size 10
but really what they don't know is
how much I struggle each day
to feed myself
how much of a joy and healing it is
for me to buy myself cookies
and eat them
to enjoy them
I would love to live in  a world without diet culture
but alas I am working
on setting myself free
slowly
from its clasps.

It's like when all that the world you knew
was pitch darkness
and you start to emerge
from the rubble
you realize
wow how much hell
I lived in,
and I thought it was normal!!

I thought it was okay
that I was treated so badly
that I chased people
for the breadcrumbs
of love,
they would shake at me
and me with my greedy hands
would lick it up
thinking it was love
when it was really toxicity
masked as love
like sharded swords
masked as love
is still killing.

Today I woke up and
decided
ENOUGH!


All I know is that
we can always come back to ourselves
always
it is never
never too late
even when the darkness
has come behind the eyes
and you feel as if you can't go on
see because I felt like that for most of my life
and I pushed so deeply
because I knew my purpose
was greater than my suffering
and still sometimes it feels like this
but I hold myself
and tell myself
I am worthy of softness
of a life that is filled with healing
of good memories
of good moments
like beautiful coffee moments
like dancing to the electronic music
like writing my first books
like singing
hearing and seeing myself
dressed to the nines
like kissing my loved ones
being someone's muse
for their poetry and love songs
knowing that I am worthy of these moments
maybe for some
it can take more time
for us to experience
but I know that
if i was created from star dust
than star dust can happen.

Thick thighs
I would love to feel them beneath my hands
press my hands against you
feel your body beneath mine
and hear your cry

You asked me what's wrong
you looked at my face
really looked at me
you said I am so sorry
you said
would you like a hug
I nodded
you hugged me and pulled me so close
I felt your heart beating
I never wanted the moment to stop
and that's when I realized
how lonely and
starved for touch I am
when I see other people my age
having friends
and relationships
and having adult jobs
I cry inside
my soul starves inside
asking
how long
until its my turn?
when will it be my turn??
Its been so hard for me to ask for what I want
for I feel so starved for affection
but I told my friend to
respect me and my time
for if I don't care for myself
how can anyone else truly care for me?
true love
true care
is not being treated as a second option
its not someone calling you out of guilt
its not someone stepping on your boundaries
apologizing
and than doing it again
its not making someone wait for you all the time.

I am still waiting for it to be my turn
but I am learning to choose myself first.
as painful and as hard as that is
to be truly alone
in this world.

For not many I think
truly care for me at the moment.

It hurts so much!

I think I have lived my whole life
with an open bleeding broken heart.

I cope with music and with art.

I feel so behind everyone else in life.

Now when its war time
I can't help but feel,
now everyone knows how it feels
to live
with so much trauma.

Still I don't want pity
I want healthy connections
and a meaningful life
filled with so many beautiful safe adventures
I will never ever give up .

It tastes like grief
i hear the children
playing in the background
and the piecies inside of me
that were held together
just broke finally
i never ever
got to have that childhood
that i have been dreaming of my whole life
my whole life all I have ever wanted
was to be grown
to move out of the terror
the holocaust
known as my home growing up
where now still i feel so much fear and anxiety around kids
and babies
for they remind
me of the childhood
that had the worst atrocites
scarred inside of it
where my inner child
feels so scarred by life
that i sit with her and all i can hear is screams and cries
where every time that it gets closer to holidays or to the weekend
the pain just deepens
I am going to encounter one of my fears
to work with children
for my first time in years
and although children bring me so much joy
i am afraid to face myself
but i know that things are better
because for so long
I couldn't even look at pictures of my old self
and now I can a little bit more
I wish I could protect all of the children of the world
and not allow them to experience the pain
that I did my whole life
where I wasn't allowed to be a child
where I was abused so much
that I wanted to die all the time
where I would dream about
being a little bird
that could fly away
and be free
where I dissacociated so much
that I at the ripe age of 26
barely know who I am
because so much of who
I am is just pain
bullying and abuse
where I love people so much
but they have wounded
an incredibly broken heart
with their mocks stares
glares and just utter hatred of me
It hurts so much
but I am learning that I am the only one
that can save myself
so I am doing so
hugging my inner child
and telling her that I am so proud
because I truly am
and because no on ever really told her so.

If I could tell my younger self
id say its so worth it to choose you
over your abusers
and that was never love
it was pain
it was terror it was abuse
better to spend a holiday alone
vibing out
or even crying out and feeling your feelings
while lovingly
drying our own tears and pain
than being with people who will never see us
or love us and our light
and that it was never our fault
not our bodies's fault or our brain's fault
that beauty is in everyone
and that we don't need to compete with others
in order to feel or be loved
that love is unconditional.
and that love is true love
when we are sovereign.
I love you .
That's all.

I remember
how much I loved you and wanted you
but I couldn't ever express it
and I was always taught that it was wrong
to love a girl
like I did
when I was so young
it still rings in my mind
trying to convince me to feel shame
but I know that what I felt for you was real
and I can't ever share it with you
or know if you ever felt the same
for you are married
and you hurt me in such a deep way
but I still miss you so so much
I always wanted to be you and to be with you
you were always so so beautiful to me
I have always tried to get over you
but maybe a childhood love
is hard to get over
you were the one who made me
find the word
that I know was my truth
that maybe I am bisexual
now I try to not label myself
for this label too has caused me pain
I love souls I love energy
I love people
I am trying to forgive you and to let this pain go
and maybe one day we will talk again soon.

all the people i worshipped my whole life
maybe its time to finally  worship myself
to see myself in all of the love that i am
in the  light that I am
in who I am
and to love and live for myself fully
maybe its time.

There it left me
shredded
bleeding
sinning
not thin like you wanted me to be anymore
not quiet like you commanded me to be
not submissive anymore
coming more into me more
and if i am the sinner in your eyes
than so be it
but no matter
how much you try you can't ever erase me
from your world
for
I am your first born daughter
the truth teller
the scapegoat
I was the golden child
at one point
too.

But I saw the truth lying there
and I left
Tredged my feet to move 6000 miles away
from the hell on earth
sometimes like days like  today,
I cry so much about it
for had I stayed in america
my life would've been so different
I am lucky
I am able to look back on my blessings
Admist deep darkness
and I am learning how to find the me
beyond the addictions the pain
the numbness
and to give grace
that I am clean
and that I am working towards
the best things for me
the past serves as a reminder
but it doesn't need to define us anymore.

And with that she slips on her heels
dances with glee
and dissapears into the moonlight.

my whole life
everyone tried to annihilate me
my spirit
my goodness
by choosing to laugh at me
to bully me
the girls
my friends in sublte ways
that I couldn't see at the time
the teachers who called me names
who laughed at me,
at what they perceived  to be " stupid questions "
but you couldn't **** my spirit,
for I am still here standing
coming in to my power finally
freer,
my whole life they tried to annihilate
me
my own parents
my own brothers
my cousins
my aunts and uncles
my rabbis
my friends
my exe's
who just used me for my body
without consent
who tried to annihilate my soul from my body
everyone tried
even many of my therapists
who tried to put me away
who tried to drug me
and close off my voice ,
and tried to tell me that I was just crazy
and mentally ill
and messed up
but maybe my voice
and who I am
is so powerful
and that's why they all
tired to make me go away.
But I am still here
and I remember it all.
I am healing
calling  my power back
that has been gone from me
from the time that I was born
and I will not allow myself to be used
or abused
again!

I am here
and you can't annihilate me
anymore.
You can only try to annihilate
the goodness of the world
but it will always prevail
no matter how dark the world
and its people get.

I just remembered
how the best friend that  i thought  i had growing up
who was also my first love
how horrible she and my other friends were too m e
throughout my whole life
I still don't understand how people can be so so horrid,
how when I was bullied throughout my life, they never cared
how when I confronted her about at age 21 she couldn't believe me,
how they gaslit me and my pain
how they defended my enemies
the ones who scorched me alive with their words
the one who sided with my own mother and parents,
when I told her how much they abused me
& how my dad  ***** me so much,
that they made me at that time, want to slit my throat
and still she proceeded on.

Now i see you and your true colors
your all liars & horrible people
and I am so blessed that I cut you all out of my life.

The ones who took advantage of
my love my kindness my pure heart
the one who only wanted her whole life
to be loved in the way that I tried to love others.
All my ex friends ex family& ex flings
everyone used me and bullied me.

Does anyone fathom the pain?!!

I just don't relate to most people
who say oh I went through a few hard things,
my whole life for along while ,
it was hell on earth
i don't know  how I'm alive
I don't
but I promise to myself
that number one I will create goodness in the world
and i will not shut up about my past
so that other  people know that this level of abuse is truly out there,
so that they also know that is is possible to heal
from all of this pain and move on and create beauty out of pain.

How so many souls are tortured alive
by their own blood
by the people who claim to love  them
and really are just waiting to stab them
when their flesh is still raw
when people would blame me for the rapes done to me
of how much real religion is  a machine for torture and  abuse
of how much hell truly goes on,
how its hard to look in the mirror
or  to feel my body sometimes
because its known so much pain
to feel so much pain for just being a women
that your whole life  you thought you wanted to be both a girl and a boy
and really now realizing now,
that  I was just abused horriffcly
that feeling growing up  that I was a women, felt so so unsafe,
so that's how many women feel in 2023
this world needs to change
and i won't shut up about it.

last night in my dreams
Last night
I saw you
the memories that I tried to push away
of 2 years  ago
when I was so happy and excited to wear my first ever bikini
for I had spent so much of my life religious
where I thought I had met the cutest israeli guy
who I thought was so handsome and sweet
but how sweet
torture can taste
when we think torture is love
we went to the beach
you watched me and tried to **** me while the beach was filled with people
and I didn't realize it
I guess I didn't realize it
because it had happened so often beforehand
of me being abused by men
that it just doesn't hit you
or hurt you the same anymore
I guess some people can ask
why do you write such dark poetry
because this was my life
its not just poetry
i have lived this life for so so long
and I could never scream
I was always so silent
stuck in a never ending muffled scream
from the time I was a child and my father would hurt me
and my mother would laugh at me
and I learnt that my voice doesn't matter anymore
so why would it matter if i scream
noone would hear me anyways
now I am working on
making myself heard
even if it means being alone
so in the past couple of months
I have stopped dating men
stopped having toxic friends
and cut off everyone in my family
for they all bullied me
I want to give hope to maybe even just one person
that no matter if you come from a family and a life
like mien
where the abuse is so intense
it breaths like cuts that run so deep
like shards through your chest
that you think are life giving
so you run back wanting more
where you think ****** assaults
and **** is love
where you think objectifation
and patriarchy is love
no it is not!

To all the men and women who tortured me
and laughed at my screams
one day you will see me
and I will make my comeback
this is the only thing that keeps me going
most of the time is learning to hear my own cries
its learning to  hug myself alone in my room
because right now no one else will
its writing all the time
for it gives me life
its grieveing
a past so painful
that I just feel like
I can't breathe most of the time
its carrying the deepest and saddest pain inside of me
that I can create so much art from it.
for art is created from pain.

just close my eyes
for another day
help me sleep my life away
so i dont have to face my pain
anymore
the sad pained face
the intense pained eyes
the longing to return
to my grandmother who is dead
it hurts so much
i wish I didn't feel so sucidal
I wish I felt happier
I wish I had friends who truly saw me
I wish I had a family and people who truly love me
and a partner who I can love
But alas all I have is myself
and as I sit here truly feeling my true feelings
for the first time in so long
It feels so overwhelming
but I feel like I'm healing
I still have hope
for a better life
its the only thing keeping me alive sometimes.

I feel like so passively sucicidal so often
that feeling hard emotions
just makes me wanna feel like
I wanna off myself all the time
its so hard to deal with
because the other side of me
wants to live so beautifully
but feels so paralyzed too
and just so afraid that
the change just won't occur
I just feel so scared and afraid all the time
I don't understand the way the universe works
on one hand
I wanna hold on tight so much
to my life
and on the other hand I hate it so much
I think I hate life so much
because it feels dull
from joy
no friendships
toxic people around me still
no sense of adventure
and nothing fun going on
its like the last time I was happy for a full day
I don't think happened in the longest time
so I don't know what to say
I just wish I didn't feel this way
so often.

I hate the men
that hurt me so deeply
I hate the women
who tore my heart open
and ate me alive
that's why as much as I want to be in love
I am so afraid of it
because of my past.
One of my past abusers
messeged me
today
that he knows that he assaulted me and wishes to talk
and hopes I am good
what did you think ?
because I am a woman
that you can decevie me
no i see right through your devilish ways
and I know you ahve assaulted other women besdies me
it makes me so so angry
never will anyone
take away my kindenss
I learnt real kindness means
making sure bad people never get access to you
and letting the universe take care of them.

I trust that god will do what needs to be done
and I will always trust myself.

one of my fav things to do is to play music
late at night when the whole world is asleep
and there is such peace and quietness
true peace,
the more I change,
the more my music does!
Instead of romanticizing pain 24/7,
why not romanticize our futures /our goodness &our desires ...
I love to sit in the sunshine at 12pm or 3pm and feel the grass in my toes
and watch the dogs around me it literally  feels like bliss on earth.
I think if more people worked on unprogramming themselves ,
they would  soon realize,
and experience more bliss in this life ,
but honestly,
most of my life was filled with so so so much pain,
for an extremely long time.
But  I think the only way to get to  experience more of what is true joy,
Is to experience lots of pain at least most of the time,
it is that way.
We have the  choice,
Transmute the pain,
or let it rot inside of us,
consuming us,
eating us alive,
Being supressed for all time .

I call back my power
from everyone and everything
that tried to humble me
Today I walked across the street
and gave the angry looks to everyone who tried to
objectify me
people
think that magic is all light
but im here to tell you
that is a lie
in fact it is quite dark
I am tired of the fake positivity
of everyone pertending
in delusions
work towards what you want
but allow your hatred and pain
to transform you
to consume you
to help you
heal your wounds
and empower you to never become like your opressors
use your darkness
don't hide from it.

Its like I can't get your face
out of my head
its like you haunt me ,
it haunts me
how you violated me
in your bed
naked
without ever caring
to listen to my no's!!

While having to go about  the next day,
like nothing else happened
that it had occurred yet again,
although this time
it had left its mark on my  face
that I am still battling all  these months later.

A reminder to myself
to not trust easily anymore!
To NEVER  Allow  Any "MAN" to ever disgrace me again,
to never allow anyone to ever take advantage of me,
and my kindness again!
To never allow myself to hookup with someone again!
To never ever doubt myself
And to always listen to myself!

So as I see your face in my mind
I curse at you,
and all of the pain that you have given me,
and all of its sorrow.

because it hurts so so deeply
and the fear carasses  at my bones

Inner child :
Will I ever be Free?
Will I ever be able to soar with the birdies outside ?
Will I ever be able to be in nature ?
Will I ever be able to be queer to express myself?
Will I ever be able to leave my house and be free?
Will I ever hear peace and quiet ?
Will I ever stop to be able to hear my own voice?
Will I ever meet nice people ?
Will I ever live in Israel?

Yes child ,
I am telling you sobbing with so much love in my heart for you ,
WE did it ,
WE are alive
we are happier
we are alone
but we are happier ,
we left our religion  and our abusive home and family.
we are creating a life with our own rules and meaning
for ourselves ,
we are creating safety
we are learning how to love ourselves
we are learning how to be truly free
babe we did it !!!!
we are here we are alive
we made it this far
We go out into nature ,
we now are able to be more of who we are,
I know you didn't think that you'd be alive
until now,
that after wanting to **** yourself
for so long
you are starting to feel what it finally  feels like
to actually want to live ,
to actually want to see how your life will play out.
Babe we did it!
I want you to know how much I love you so much,
and how much I am so proud of you
for holding on tight
and for being you :)
I love you my baby.

what if we all spoke to ourselves
the way that we would talk to our best friends
baby i love you deeply
your doing a great job
i am so proud of you
the world would be such a better place
the best thing we can do for ourselves
is to learn how to parent ourselves.