Today
AS I walked
I felt the pain
the tears
from years of self hatred
of feeling the pressure to conform
to change my body
my looks all the time
to gain the approval of society
of the "men" around me .
Of hearing my  mother's voice
shouting at me
that I shouldn't eat
so I won't be fat
of forcing myself my whole life
to wear clothing that was uncomftarble
to wear shoes that hurt
so I can be the perfect pallate
for the male gaze
so I could get married off
at a younger age
Today
I looked in the mirror
last night I looked in the mirror
and really saw myself
as a human being
so worthy of love
without needing to always wear makeup
dress up fancy
or cater myself to others wants needs or desires
that I am worthy of love always
that I am so much more
than my good looks
my whole life my looks have been so feteshized
I thought who I was
was how I looked
now it seems
the less I care
the more loved and beautiful I feel
for true beauty
is knowing our worth
and knowing that we are so much more than our looks
So I went out in a bikini yesterday
and I felt the water and the sun on my face
and I felt beautiful
for my body gets to live this beautiful life
no matter if its skinny
or not
I am worthy
no matter what .
What if we decided
that our acne was beautiful
our spider veins are marks of beauty
our freckles and our curls
are like marks of a rainbow
a beautiful one
left on our body
by a creator
to make us look unique
and in love with life
what if we all stopped trying so hard
to look like an instagram page
and started living our life
from our own unique grace talents and love?!
What If?

I have realized
life is really about perspective
for all the years i lived here
all I could see was the darkness in others
because that's all I saw in myself
and now that i am slowly starting to see myself
to love myself and to accept myself even just a little bit more
I am starting to see the light in others around me
the kindness in others
of how kind and loving Israelis are
and that women can be very kind and very loving
I am starting to see the men around me too
become more kind and loving.
Maybe life is more simple than we think it is
maybe a huge part of healing
is just changing our perspective
of ourselves
and the world within and around us.

I am wide awake
I see the brutal horrific truth now
how much my father abused me as a child
as a baby
the fire inside of me burns
its so so FKING painful !!!!!

I see the truth now
how most of the" boys" that I dated
abused me so so horrifically !!

I see the truth now
how trauma bonded I was
and how it wasn't my fault!!

I see the truth  now
how much I hated myself for no FKING reason!
I see myself now
more of myself,
and how amazing I am
because I am  ME!

I see the truth now
that I don't need to compete with others to be loved,
I just need to exist
to breathe
to be worthy!

I see the truth now
that everyone,
has their own path their own journey
their own beauty !
How we each have our own gifts and tests in this life
how we are all one!

I see the truth now
how you assaulted me
manipulated me ,and abused me!

How his beatings hurt me
my mind, my body ,my soul
but still I am free
still I am rising above it all
I see the truth now
that my strength is my power.

I see the truth now
that so many times
it was other people being wounded
and their projections of pain onto me.

I see the truth now
good kind loving amazing people really do exist!

I see the truth now
I am worthy of so much love so much goodness!

I see the truth now
I am love !

I love myself,
I see the truth now,
everything is about  intention!

I danced today
and felt so free
blessed and alive!

I see the truth  now
I was always always,
amazing ,because I am me!

I see the truth now,
that none of my abuse
was my fault!

I see the truth
that life truly happens for me!

I can take responsibility  of myself and my life
and the truth is sometimes it hurts  like fking hell!
Before it can empower you !

I see the truth,
that this pain is heavy harsh raw and painful as FKING HELL!!!

I see the truth that there are many things that I don't undrstand
but I can still build from the pieces.

Within my tears
I find freedom
I find peace
I find sense
I find strength.
I am finding the love for myself
the peace within my pain,
the stillness.

where it all starts to make sense
how much I didn't love myself,
so of course I couldn't really receive that back to me.
I am crying for my old selves that didn't know how to love myself
I think the true home is found within ,
the more I heal
the more I love
the more I open,
I want to live a life with more softness
I don't need to grimace at life anymore.
Strength is inner strength
resilance
boundaries
finding meaning within pain
living especially when you don't want to,
smiling at the little things.
I have always been very strong
maybe I can also be soft.
like the earth
like the children
like the  water
like the body
strength is not in voilence
in war the way that the patriarchy
wants me to believe,
its in choosing kindness over pain
in choosing love over fear
in choosing ourselves over abuse
this is true strength!
In crying,
In allowing ourselves to feel,
truly and deeply.
This is strength,
healing from addictions
this is strength.

I went to the rooftop
I saw you there
dancing with the dreds
in your hair
how I wished I could tell you about my dream
I had about you the other night
how much I miss you
how much I wish I could date you
and hold you tight

But I decided
and said outloud
I let you go
and I forgive you
it hurts to hold the feelings in my heart for you
knowing that it can't ever be.

I watched you another beautiful women
you with the dark hair
curly hair
gorgeous almond colored eyes
the way you danced
how much I wished
I had the courage to
ask you to dance
but the gay panic
kept me frozen there
with my mouth frozen
possibly for the fear of rejection
that has hurt me
and punctured me so deeply
I love women ,
I love men
I love humans
and I don't wanna feel shame
for it anymore
for I love people
and I can't wait to be in a loving relationship
one day.