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M Aug 2023
I feel called to visit the place
that is haunted by my memories
i feel  so afraid to even  touch it ,
For a few blocks away is the police station
that I visited,
to report you,
after that fateful night
in my own bed,
my own safe haven
turned prison of thoughts and feelings
emotions,  
to face you,
face to face
to tell the police officer ,
how you assaulted me in my own bed
and how you laughed it off and lied through broken teeth
through  self assured smiles,
While all I begged for was an apology,
a promise to never touch another women again
but instead all I got was a brokeness inside
one that felt like shards of my heart were breaking indefinetly
when all I got back was looks of disgust
form the police woman,
who told me that I was messed  up ,
yes I wanted to yell back,
I am messed up because of men like him,
who have broken me
broken me!

See I was never whole
i came into the world broken
so broken,
only now I am trying really trying
gasping from pain,
form open wounds of scabbing pain
to hold myself up still.

Even though my whole life has felt like
mostly death ,
mixed in with some happier fleeting moments
i guess I have never ever wrote about these things
because they are  are so painful to write about,
But I learnt no one can protect me or listen to me
if I don't do that for me!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNP4DXcCtHg
M Aug 2023
For all of my life
I have been plagued with something
that I didn't know the name of
and than when I grew up
and I came to know what the name was
it all felt wrong to me
and I wanna speak my truth
but I fear for my words
for others
will label me as hateful
when really I wanna share it
because I think
healing is powerful and its possible
I am trying to own my truth
and not care what others think or say
from the time I was a child
I experienced lots of harrassment and violence
which i internalized to mean
that it was because I was a woman
so its like half of me loves feminine things
and the other half of me  just wants to be a man
so often
When I look at her she feels afraid
because they told her growing up
to shut up and be silent
to cook clean and be still
and that never quenched her spirit
so in my life
I have always done the hard things
I am choosing to sit with myself
to learn how to accept myself more
for I know that if i were to transition
or to slap a label on myself
I would just keep on hiding my true self
and I would always try to be something that I am not
so even though at times it hurts deeply
only really because of the mysogonoy
that I still see around me and experience at times
I will still choose to sit in my life
and I am still choosing to heal myself
and to have hope
that I am getting better little by little
I wish more voices like mine
can be heard
without being labeled
as hateful
for I don't hate
I understand there is a real lack of knowledge
out there in the world
and people like me
who don't fit the perfect mysognistic box of how women
are suppose to be
should be embraced and held instead of judged
this is my truth
and I have been longing to make it heard
for a very long time.
M Jul 2023
my whole life
i was taught
that i must be someone
important impressive
that I must get amazing grades
that i must always look perfect
that I must get married young
and birth many children
to stay silent
while putting up with abuse
to stay silent
while the cult of religion
fed me lies
to not ask questions
to shut up
to not look at pain in the face
and  instead to numb myself
to punish myself
to force myself to be on a crazy healthy diet
to drown myself
to protect myself from my pain
that I can't ever be authentic
because noone wants to hear my voice
that I shouldn't talk because I stutter
that I shouldn't bother asking questions about the meaning of life
because nothing matters anyways
that I should cover my knees my legs my collarbone
my elbows
that a man shouldn't look at me
and sin
and that I am the source of sins.
My whole life I was fed lies about what it meant to be a women
which was mostly opression
I was taught forced opression
so its no wonder I mostly didn't want to be one.
Now I realize as hard as it might be
I don't owe anyone or anything any of this
and I can be a women
without needing to wear makeup shave or be submissive
or I can when I choose to be
I can choose to be my full self
even if others reject me
even if others try to shame me or dim my light
for still my whole life as recent as even last night
women have rejected me
ignored me and shamed me
and men have as well
maybe the lesson  is to love ourselves
so much  so that what they say or think
doesn't have to matter
that knowing ourselves
loving ourselves
and being kind to ourselves
is the greatest gift
we can give ourselves
for we come into this world alone
and we die and will be buried alone
for its okay to be average
in a beautiful way
as long as our life has meaning to us.
M Sep 2023
I see
my family all together
except me,
I can't but help to remember my dream
that I had
a few weeks ago,
I came into my home
yelled at my father
looked at him
and said" I know what you did"!
"I know what you did to me and all of your children"!
I REMEMBER!!!!!

Each day,
the flashbacks are starting to return
the memories
so greusome,
return to me
and all I Can do is choke inside,
and feel nauseous
want to *****,

the glass shattered
he stood there in shock and couldn't answer
I walk to my room
and it was all there
as if I  hadn't left or changed
but that old life
felt like a stranger to me now,
and me I was different now
more healed more in my power
more alive
with better boundaries,
and self worth.

I looked at my mom
who is not thin anymore,
and I think so really all along
your hatred towards yourself
was projected on to me.

when I see children with their parents
my heart aches so deeply,
all I wanna do is crawl inside and hide
and die.
For the pain inside overwhelmes me,
all I remember is so many horrible things.

It seems they have all tried to forget me and  erase me,
but it really makes me wander is that ,
because real truth, in the midst of dysfunction
is always true .
Whether people want to try to hide it or cover it up ,
so no matter what  they try to do .

I am their daughter
and I will always remember
and never forget.
M Jul 2023
My tolerance for bullsht
became so thin
bec ive dealt with it
my whole life
do you actually think
that I would take you
back
after you laughed at me
spit at me
when I was down
mocked my insecurities
and belittled me ??!!
just because we are flesh and blood
it doesn't mean you get another chance with me
or that I buy your lies or bullsht
anymore
so you text me saying you love me
love is proven
true love
is kindness
empathy
compassion
caring about the other human being
it means more than just basic decency
I can't believe
how much I was brainwashed
to beg for decency
when I am sure
there are people
that exist
that would surely give that to me
and even more than that
just because they care,
but I will not depend on what
others will do or won't do anymore,
  I must give it to myself
and noone especially not my brother
will take away my standards from me
ever again.
M May 28
No peace
I feel erased literally figurtively
I don't know
I dont have words to say anymore
The grief i feel about everything is all consuming
I have left everything
Or has it all left me
I am unsure
I am an orphan in the world
Misunderstood
Literally and figureitvely
I feel that i dont fit .
All i feel most of the time is pain
Even doing things that i like
Like now sitting for coffee
The pain is my accompanying figure
My partner in life
I have no one
No one wants to be my friend that is healthy and worthwhile
Noone asks me if i am okay
Which by the way even when i am better
I am still very much not okay
And like how would I be?
I dont wonder anymore
But i do wander about the lack of complexity in the world
The lack of empathy and humanity
Especially in the west
All i see is harm even within the helping
Not just harm but large amounts of it
I feel that my voice is choked within but i always knew no matter the pain
I wont change or hurt myself to be someones muse or to be more palatable but the rest of me
I guess hasn't caught up yet
Hasn't unchained myself
From my chains although
The chains still feel deep and cut deep
Oh how i long for the simple privelages that others have .
How I long .
M May 16
its a love that is so deep in my soul
no matter how much i grieve
i still think about you  
i think you will always be a part of me
my childhood friend my first lover my ex best friend
and the one who hurt me so deeply
i miss your spirit
and i know that you are one of the few who won't know
my true feelings for you
maybe love never dies
maybe it comes with you to the grave
my soul misses you
idk I dreamt about you last night
I remember how we used to talk about raising our kids together
I doubt that
I will never know if you loved me back like that
for you are married and religious still
it hurts
I have cried oceans of tears over you
my love my ex friend
and you will never know.
#exbestfriend
M Aug 2023
today i danced
i felt the music
i actually felt so alive
so in love with myself
with my life
feeling so blessed
I get to live here
in this body
in this life
and dance
move my body
move my hips from side to side
not caring who looks
as my belly rings
glimmer in the dark
and I see you look
I feel at peace and I feel free
oh for what is life
to live for
but to make
create art
be art
to dance
to move our bodies in slow motion
to taste the life
with all of its beauty
and to love the music
that the soul gives and receives
with its soul music.
TO FEEL
To
BE
FREE!
M Aug 2023
what if the body
is like a greek statue
curves
show the loves
of life
cinnamon rolles
the lines of veins
show the strength
of all we have lived throughout our life
what if our flaws
are our magical marks
of life
showing how much we have come
how much we have accomplished
and lived through!
what if we are more magical than we have
ever realized.
M Nov 2022
the pain hurts so much
violation in own bed
high
unconcious
yep it happened again
not sure what to do at this point
just listen to myself
and my soul more
to prevent against attacks of the soul
that  try to ****** my heart
and kindness away
butttt
I won't let it !
M Jun 2023
wish i could send all of my opressors
all of the angry metal music
that i listen to all the time now
on how much i hate them despise them
and how they feel like a parasite inside me
because who they are is exactly that
parasites.
M Oct 2023
I think
I am learning
the lessons of death
life and rebirth
when we die
and are reborn in this life
or in other ones
we start to see  what really matters in life
travel beautiful moments
hugging our loved ones
forgiveness
treating ourselves with love
when the land around me
in Israel
is burning
I see how I can give some light
to the world
how I can smile
hold space
How I can hold space
for myself and others
how the shadows
appear
how I can be myself
how I can stand up for myself
without needing the validation of others
To realize how truly fragile life is
That the fear is not of death
but of living a life that wasn't lived
fully .
Maybe I can live
in the sake of all those
that were killed
I can light a candle
and sit in prayer for them
and for us.
M Jun 2023
I struggle so deeply
to feel at home in my body,
all I feel when I look at my chest
is all of the men that used me like a doll
of my mom shaming me in my head
for my *******
and how "provocative " I am
for just existing,
for society sexualizing me,
for all the women that hated me for my body/looks,and objectified me
and all the men that "loved"  me /used me just for my body and sexualized me
with their eyes.

It hurts  so deeply to feel so violated  all the time
it echoes in my mind,body and soul
all the repeated violations words, looks and all the aching laughter,
the way everyone  in my family
sexualized me since I was a child,
so intern I internalized all the hatred to my body and my chest.

I just wander if these people  truly understand
how much their actions truly affect others,
how deeply I suffer with complex post trauma all the time
and dysphoria sometimes,
from the deep pain of ****** violence

when I truly look at it all,
its not even wanting to be a man
so much so , as wanting to be seen as a person.

who is worthy of being heard,
not because I am pretty ***** or curvy
or hot or ****,
but because I am smart I am strong
I am  impressive  and resiliant
have a beautiful mind
and I am not just how I look
or how I present.

My whole life I was influenced and taught to believe
that my only value as a women
was my looks,
or to be chosen by a  man or by my society,
and to exist as a  baby making machine,
while not complaining or being "too much ".
That I shouldn't show my body too much , & that I should always look good 24/7,like I am a doll of some kind, instead of a human being.

How my body was the reason for men sinning
and how I would go to hell for my thoughts or behaviors
if I wasn't perfect.

Now I am realizing none of that truly matters,
and I don't wanna live the rest of my life
chasing validation,
or feeling like I need others approval to feel whole inside,
I wanna accept who I am
love who I am
and like myself for who I am,
and not just for my looks or for my body or sexuality,
but for who I am down to my core
the good and the seemingly bad imperfections
to feel safe in myself and that is beautiful to just be me
without needing to put on a show for anyone.
M Mar 2023
SO ANGRY
where do i go
do i go home
why did the abuser
have to feel so familar
so happy
i got out in 2 days
instead of longer
it hurts
that I felt the pain again
ANGRY
so
ANGRY
at the patriarchy
at the men
who claim to be good
when they are really just
fetishizing
hating creatures
who believe
that they can try to control me
manipulate me
influence me
or bend me to their ways
but SORRY
to break you
YOU CAN"T
BREAK ME
OR FORCE ME
TO DO ANYTHING
I will be respected
no matter
who I must avoid
or cut off
I CHOOOSE ME
NO MATTER WHAT
I am tired of men ruling my life
I am
as well as all of the ancestors behind me
raging against most of the horrible men out there
For the good men out there
I can't wait to meet more of you
and to actually converse
and have nice interactions
patriarchy men abuse ****** assault
Till It happens to you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmWBrN7QV6Y
M Aug 2023
rebirth
from dead
I pick myself up,
it smells
like burnt ashes,
go out
and act all friendly to the ones around me,
while hoping all the while
that they can't see my
ever bleeding broken shattered
flaming heart
I don't know what is true these days,
at times
sniff the air
it smells burnt around me
I realized men had hurt me so much
I was afraid to say that I liked them
and that I like both guys and girls
but the truth is
that when I look back
my heart has been so devasted broken in half
by so many men and women
and still rebirth from the dead is possible
when we can't see the light
we think that we can't go on
but than somehow we gather the strength to,
my whole life I bit my tongue
held my breath
held my opinions to myself
couldn't see myself out of the pit
that I was in
but now
now I see.
M Feb 2023
I see my old self puking
the bad energy and air out of me
letting go of demonic energy
cleansing myself centering myself
for all we have ever wanted
is right here now
ready to be claimed
in the present moment.
When we truly let go
we can give in
and truly make way
for our new life to take place .
M Aug 2023
And somehow
My mind goes back to two summers ago
My mind seems to always go back there
I don't really know why
Maybe it was because
I was in love with you
At that time
And I didn't really know why...

I remember sitting at the bar
In Florentine
without knowing a soul,
I looked  across the bar
and I see you there
with your dark skin
your impish smile
and your curly hair,
you smiled to me and offered me a drink
and to hang with your friends
I took you home with me
and we went out for a month
I remember waking up
to the smell of cigarettes,
and קפה שחור חזק-(black strong  coffee)
and smoke flying all  around you ,
I don't know why
but all I think of is you
still all this time later...
I haven't gone back to that home
that I lived in
,two years ago
a city away
for that time in my life,
had so much pain and addiction in it
but I still have so many fond memories of that place
so I think one day soon I'll go back
to the coffee shops in florentine,
to the parks that I used to sit in
and dream about life
to the bars I used to drink in
to melt the pains away ,
to the bar I used to go to ,
when I met you
and to the bomb shelter
that I stayed in
as the bombs flew past me,
yes Israel has been hard
but I forget  sometimes ,
that it also has lots of beautiful memories
in it too,
like meeting you
and your beautiful Ethopian,
frame face and culture
opening my mind
and showing me how dark
racisim can be
and what a beautiful soul
you are,
That race doesn't matter
And that beautiful souls do.
I have learnt so much from you
David
So when I saw the Ethopians protesting this week
About the ****** of a small child,
I remembered you
In my apartment
In Telaviv
That eve,
And how close I felt to you
With your dark eyes
Your dark smile
And your cigarette  breath
And coffee smells.
M Jun 2023
Its like all the lovers
I had
are forever etched in my mind
I hope I am etched in there's too
I saw the man the other day The one
I gave my heart to
and he just gave his body to me
that was all
and barely that
Its like I can't get his eyes out of my mind
the green golden hazel eyes
and the relaxed feeling that I felt just being with him
I remember one of the first men that I met
when I came here
when I had just left religion
we went to his apartment
he wasn't religious
he was kind
so cute and sweet
and romantic
I remember sitting on this porch
with my shirt off
staring at him
him staring at me
with a look of adoration
and I felt so blessed to be in that moment
so looking back in reflection
not all the men I met in my life
were horrible
many were kind
and I just forgot that
because I closed my heart off
to everything for so long
and now slowly
I feel like my heart is slowly starting to open
curious how the world looks
when we start to remember the beautiful moments
not just the bad or terrible ones.
So I hope wherever you are
if it is in jerusalem
where we met or somewhere else here
I wish you well
and I wish you blessings
for treating me with such kindness and care,
and I hope you think of me from time to time.
Ariel
M Jun 2023
My whole life I supressed my anger
towards people
and instead I tried to please
now I am working on healing this chaoutic pattern
and realizing facing
and befriending the anger instead.

I feel it inside of me
like a blazing hot sword
ready to ****
whoever dares to haunt me or  hurt me.

yesterday
I was walking home
as a man started to follow me and cat call
me,
just like my father and all  of the other  men in my family
\who don't respect or like women.
as well as  most of the men I have met in my life
that I hate with all of the bones in my body.

The past me would've held my body in fear ,
and would've tried to shrink myself down ,
make myself invisible to the wandering eyes.
and rushed along all of  this time .

Instead I held my keys outwards,
and stared back with anger and defiance
as he continued to follow me.

I started to  yell out curse words  and allowed him to pass,
Something as small as that
shows the power of the feminine
when she starts to fight back
against her predators.

My one hope is that I heal
that I meet people
that show me that
there are good people left in the world
because its not just the men that have done me wrong
its the women too
in ways that are just as painful
they sting and burn so harshly inside.
catcaller-banshee
M Oct 2023
Today and the past 2.5 weeks
all I feel is numb
frozen
chaotic
with moments and days of normalcy
all linked in between
I don't know what happened to her
at that party
that hamas came to
and massacred
I don't know if she is ***** and shot somewhere in some valley
lying there unidentified
I don't know if she is in gaza right now being tortured
and ***** as a *** slave
I don't know
I am so scared to let my mind go to bad places
my mind feels heavy
my heart feels numb
imagining all the children and babies
and the hell they must be living through,
and all of the people
online
justifying terror
I feel sick numb and raw
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to think
it hurts to even move sometimes
everyone around me
tries to smile
but everyone feels terrified
for we all know someone
who is either missing
dead killed or *****
or tortured
or all four of those things
I used to live there
I used to walk those streets
that now have death marked upon them
I used to be in a moshav
that is now marked with terror
I feel so afraid sad calm
and scared
I don't know what to do
I don't know if she is okay
I don't know when I will be okay.
M Apr 2023
what this culture taught me here
is beauty in simplicity
in being ourselves in wearing jeans and graphic tees
barefoot partying
in loving life despite the chaos and pain surrounding us
in strength in unity and in the pulsing heat
and the clammer and fast paced hebrew life
and in the immense  amount of beauty in this
land  
that I can now proudly call my home.
M Feb 2023
Feel like no matter what
the feeling of intense gnawing pain
gets to me
hits me
it hurts to live a lot
but I am trying everyday
to do the things that I can do
and to work on getting better
gaining more clarity
and making my impact in the world
however small it helps to ease some of the pain
I can't wait for the day
that I will be surrounded by loving friends
who get me understand me and love me for me.
But for now I will love me and love the nature and the plants
that are around me:)
M Jul 2023
I think its a longing
to be safe
like I am swimming in the ocean,
and I feel safe and calm
the way I feel with animals
I think that's the way I want to feel with myself
for we always chase what we long to feel within
and its never ending
maybe its the longing to feel at home with my face with my body
the other day I actually looked in the mirror and felt content with myself
and my percieved flaws ,
I felt so happy with who I am
and who I am becoming
maybe its learning to be our own cheerleader
that when our inner child is crying out in pain
and is gasping for life
we can tell her
baby we love you
it will all be okay .
and we learn how to stand up for ourselves
once and for all
I always wanted to be saved by others
now I am learning how to save myself
and how to be my own savior.
M Jun 2023
my own brother sexualized me,
its hard to feel love for myself
or to even look in the mirror
when i feel like i carry my scars all over
of all the horror everywhere.

I struggle so much
with the memories
and so much repressed anger
Its like im always screaming inside
and shaking from  insane terror
M Jul 2023
I stand alone in the crowd
Surrounded by couples and friends
Barely anyone speaks or notices me
It's like I don't really exist
Like I'm just not there
It has happened so much
You would wonder that I'm not used to it by now
One girl talks to me
And just laughs at everything I say
I'm trying to see it as maybe she was just awkward like me
But it's hard not to feel that she wasn't just laughing at me
I'm trying so hard to get over the shame
And rejection that I feel for myself
And I push myself to go outside
But it feels so so hard
And I kinda figure what's the point
But ik that I spend enough time alone
And in my house by myself
So I am trying
Another one makes a joke about me getting
Lost alone
I just don't understand
Why people are the way they are
I know I maybe don't know it all
But I just don't quite understand.
M Jun 2023
As I walked down the bridge between masada street and balfour
I saw you pass by,
the gurl who i met
a month ago ,
who I thought was the cutest
chick,
who told me she was from germany
and I gleefuly replied
my great grandparents lived there ,before the war.

As we were talking
I realized her boyfriend had been flirting with me the past two weeks or so,
without ever telling me that he was taken,
which angered me so, I  felt like the world closed in on me.

she bought me a beer we had our laughs
than she left me there tipsy, with my drink in  hand
to run off with her boy toy of a boyfriend ,
in a crowd filled with  people...
the next day she messeged me sayin'
do you wanna hange out?
I said nope I won't hang out with a btch
who leaves me drunk and alone in a crowd full of noise angst and chaous,
and as I saw you today
all I can think of is that,
and a friendship that could've been
but thank god it just wasn't .
M Aug 2023
I think
I am starting to see
perceptions
I see that I do love israel
eventhough
it has taught me some hard lessons
but they were lessons that I needed to see
sometimes life must break you
in order to grow you
I love how the people care about each other
in times of need
how people smile at you on the street
how old israeli grandmothers
will treat you as their own
how we treat each other as family for good or bad
how life is authentic here
and how we don't bullsht each other
life is refreshing crazy and intense here
and there are things that I hate
and that things that I can't stand
but there are also so many beautiful things here
how people love their family here
how there are so many animals here
how we live in a beautiful country
with so many beautiful beaches
towns rivers streams
nature spots
and laughter of chidren
sparkling throughout the air.
How walking down the street
I hear arabic hebrew russian and sometimes english as well.
How despite how the world portays us
we work together in peace
and especially where I live in Israel
we all live in peace
how in times of trouble we get together
to protest we don't just stand by
and allow things to go on,
how we are so strong
how we hold each other when we cry,
how we care about one another
how we yell at each other
one minute
and the next we are laughing together!
This is my home
Israel and Palestine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZ05DVEE1JE
M Jun 2023
I saw you today,
the man I hooked up with at this time
last year
the one who I really liked
but who was too embrassed to show me off,
the one who only cared about me for my body
but not for my soul
not for who I was,
the one who didn't respect me or my boundaries
I saw you today ,
and I felt stronger
than you
I saw you the real you ,
the one who is insecure
the one who doesn't know how to love or care about me,
If I could tell myself last year
I would say
judge people by how they treat you
and he doesn't deserve you at all.
So today you saw me
dressed up **** and beautifully
just so you could see
that now I am more powerful
I am stronger and I don't let men like you
take me down anymore or use me or shame me
today you stared at me
and I stared right back defiantely
knowing you can't take me down a peg anymore .
Promising to myself
I would rather be single
than settle for a shtty person like you .
That is strength
strength in choice.
M Aug 2023
I remember
walking drunk
like a robot in the dark
smelling like  a mix of sweat and whiskey
he stuck his hands inside of me
and wouldn't let go
and I cried
and screamed .

But my friend had left
and the world felt so dark
and it smelled like darkness,
its scenes in my mind
that I wish,
that I could erase,
all I could hear in my mind
are his words his smell
his body
a few moments of release
have mired in my mind
so much trauma
what I would give to erase my past
my moments of tortured silence
what's more is I hate the woman
who left me there
I hate her with a pain so deep
it feels like venom in my soul
similar to how my mother used to abuse me as a child
I wish my poetry
wouldn't sound good
when I write
I wish it could show you
how much I longed to slit my wrists
from the time I was a child
form the pain
that felt embedded in my soul
although life is much better now
I still sometimes meet men
who think that my body belongs to them
and each time the slightest touch
or stare or word
I feel so violated
I feel like I'd rather
be dead
than live another day as a woman
my whole life I have never wanted to be one
because of the violence
I have experienced
nevertheless I am working on accepting my body
my gender that I was born with
and working on healing my wounds
of violence that still feel so deep inside of me
I am choosing to treat myself  with so much love
may it out weight
the violence that I have experienced
and that all of the women before me have experienced
maybe instead of saying allow people to transition
we ask them why has the world become such a violent place
towards us women
that we don't wanna be women anymore
I know its a question I have  asked  myself
so often
and I still do
M Nov 2023
Everything feels murky and confusing
for so long the feelings about my jewishness
about my longing for this land
and for jewish traditons
holidays and shabbat
has always been lurking in the back of my soul
reminding me
every week
It hurts me I miss it so much
even though there is lots of trauma  involved
in many ways
these were the things that made my childhood
a little bit better
singing  together
all the jewish melodies
eating yummy food
feeling united
having peace in my soul and my heart
lighting Shabbat candles
it was the highlight of my week
hanging with friends
having real conversations
without being with my phone
without feeling distracted and connected all the time
I met you and you have triggered these deep feelings within me
the reminders
of the things I miss so so deeply
for you are traditional
and believe in love
and wow is that different
than how I was raised
maybe the world
and my self isn't black or white
I am tried of supressing myself
even during my kambo ceremony
this came up
and all I could do was sit there and cry my eyes out
about how much I miss shabbat and my jewishness
I hid it all behind my hate
maybe our hate teaches us
what we truly love
but are afraid to admit
to our deepest selves.
M Aug 2023
Learning how to feel and acknowlege
my fears and my traumas
and instead of hiding from it
I am learning to hug them
to accept them
and to accept myself
with all of it all
because only than can
we actually truly experience life
as our true selves.
M Mar 2023
shame
shame
shame
shame
why is it
that I feel you all day
its like every moment
your shrinking in the back of my mind
wanting me to collapse for you
but no
I absolutley  refuse to
its like the shadows
I feel ashamed that
I feel mostly gay
but I crave a man's touch
but that I feel my attraction is very different towards men
than the way that society tells me that it should be
I just feel so much shame still
that I am so different than others
and while I am working so so hard
on loving and accepting myself
the shame aspect comes up
it feels so hard
so I coddle myself in my shame
and try to embrace it
knowing that with time
it will fade away.
M Jul 2023
been shamed
for the people
that I love
and for who i am
for as long as i can remember
now i am starting to see myself
beyond the shame
and i see a women who has so much strength
a women who is a free spirit
a women who loves many different types of men and women
who loves the artists the poetry the philosophers
and the ones who are smart who are shy
the ones who are quiet and have lots to say
the ones who sing beautiful songs
and are waiting for others to just see them
I believe in people
still after all of my pain
because what I am starting to see
is that nothing is bad or good
it is just the way we view things that make it so.
M Mar 2023
Life gets to be so so beautiful
and amazing
when perspectives shift
and align
anew
blessed beauty you find
within as long as you
are countin' your
Blessings !

Watch your world reappear
as brand new
as below so above
its just the rules of the universe
watch your blessings manifest and appear
easily like magic
life gets to be so amazing,
you just gotta believe in you
and you will soar
higher than you ever
have before !
M Apr 2023
Tell me your darkest desires
and I will show you who you truly are inside
why is it that most of us humans
are so afraid of being vulnerable
and real
I think that we as a world can heal so much
if we allow all of our shadows to come to life
with true healing love and compassion
so show me your deepest darkest truths
and I will show you
who you truly are inside
the you that is raw
that is inpenetrable
the one that is lovable
admist all of the pain
don't fear your shadow its your greatest teacher
M Jun 2023
it just feels sickening and painful
to remember a childhood so painful
that when I remember it
it feels choking to even think about
its like when i talk to my therapist
i can even feel her recoil almost.
M Mar 2023
I used to always talk
just to fill the silence
I used to chase people
to talk to them
to condone my lonely heart
now I am learning
to keep myself silent
to be still
that silence is power
that those who speak do so with intention
that being alone is a power
and that being with others is also
and that intention is oh so so important.
with everything
and within it all.
M Feb 2023
Its like the world became silent
quiet
things raising
shifting
changing
dont' know what  to watch anymore
feel effected by it all
M Apr 2023
5 months of sobriety
i literally never thought
this was possible for me
ever.
you can accomplish anything.
M Jun 2023
went out today
worked on really not oversharing
it feels really hard to mask
but what can I do
I live in a world with certein social rules
although I may not understand them
I am really trying hard to
and that's all that I can do.
I saw the girls that I know sitting on the side
so I ask them how they are and try to make conversation
and they just don't really care.
I wish I didn't care
and sometimes I wish I couldn't feel energies
its intense.
M Aug 2023
I remember my beautiful friend
with your beautiufl hair
and dimples
your curls
we used to talk about life
about spirituality
i was always jealous of your life
not because I ever wished anything bad on you
but becase it seemed as if from the outside
that you had a loving cool family
that had more money than mine
I felt belonging
that I didn't feel at home
we would meet up randomly
I never realized how littel you actually cared
because I was used to breadcrumbs...
so after you got married
your husband used to stare at me
and it made me feel so uncomftarble
I would stare back
than you wouldn't talk to me
ever again,
it felt like my heart broke so deep inside
its been 6 years
I see on instagram
and I wonder what it would be like,
if we still talked.
Why let a shtty man ruin our friendship of so many years.
M Aug 2023
I remember you
your beautiful hair
how I met you at the bar
how you were kind to me
how we sat in the feilds
and how you played with my hair
you gentle soul
you beautiful man
I've always loved the softness in people
the way their eyes light up
when they find something funny
and the way they find the world light up
when they love something or someone
I love the people
the unique men and women
who don't fit in
who are unique and witchy
I love souls
and I like people
M Sep 2023
The more I heal
the more I cry
the memories
that I have supressed
start to come back to me
and while good,
how hard it is to remember
deep suffering.

All of the times
I would go home with a man
expecting love,
for my naeive heart
was never taught about the real world.

How I was brutally faced with cruelty
how I went to the police
and how they never ever fking cared
how everyone seems to have forgot about me
and my pain ,
how I am someone who has been so forgotten
how I smile and compliment  those who have hurt me,
out of habit
over  the fear of being hurt.

I wish I could stop !
How much I am trying to learn,
how not to just survive anymore
I am trying to learn how to live
for the first time in my life.

I am remembering the dark times
of when I lived on the
kibbutz
and how unsafe I felt there ,
sleeping on the cold floor
freezing
waking up early
breaking myself
sitting alone without friends,
how even my gay friend
objectified me there,
how the man I liked
and who treated me with kindness
couldn't stay.
How he was one of the people who truly  saw me,
how I was fired and sent off without a care in the world.
how the man at the hostel
assaulted me for hours
while I begged and screamed for him to stop
and noone cared except me.
I wish I could forget it all!

It hurts deeply to remember it all
so when people ask me if I smoke,
I now tell them never ,
and if they ask me if I drink I usually say only sometimes,
for it was by those means,
that my trauma came to me
most of the time.

But alas sometimes these things happened when I was sober
but it seemed like everyone else was so drunk with cruelty
and non chalatness to my pain.
I now have to train myself
show myself
convince myself
that good normal people exist,
and its a breath of fresh air and oxygen to see,
for when one is trained to be with cruelty
kindness seems rare,
when maybe it actually isn't,
I was just never brought up with it.
so there is my silent plea
of pain
of wanting to not be with my pain
but I don't have a choice,
sometimes it seems  I have so much of it,
you can see it written all over my face
buried deep in my eyes,
I wish I could  just wash it away
but the only way out
is through,
so each day I allow myself to cry
and with time
It is starting to feel a little bit better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hzFTJDJGkQ
M Feb 2023
Numb
from the sun
hitting on my face
as I wax and wane
in the sun
on my ***
playing music
dancing to the songs
so absorbed in my glow
its like I've forgotten
all my trauma and pain
working on letting it all go
so I can glow
in my life once more
and be happier
once and for all!
M Sep 2023
It seems this week all I have done
is cry cry cry
loudly quietly
for hours
on and off
like tears dripping down
off window panes
like rain on cloudy nights
maybe that's why I always felt alone
with my pain,
in the rain .

Its like when the world cries
I feel at home
when there was chaous around me
I felt all right
I am healing
but deep within this
is the pain
that I have never grieved,
and **** is it deep
the pain
of never truly being loved
by my family,
the pain of  the holidays
growing up,
of the constant yelling
and feelings of rejection that I carried
with me,
from my parent's silent and loud pains
from the fact that I can't talk to my family or my old friends anymore
because they weren't ever truly kind for me or too me
and now especially now with this pain
I can't handle them
the pain of craving
people and relationships so deeply
but I just sit there quietly numb
in pain
laughing hiding concealing
making sure not to share too much
because it would show my" darkness"
that gets me swept away in it
to lie and tell others
"yes I have family  to go to for this
Rosh hashana ".
when really
I HAVE NOONE!

To lie about me and who I am
because I fear many don't want to know
and I have learnt to share my real truth,
when I know that I can trust.
It just feels inauthentic to me,
but I need protection.

Truth is
I give off a tough exterior
with my tough eyes
and piercing stares,

But really inside
I am a deeply soft
deeply feeling loving
and kind deeply hurting person
who feels that these things are not really seen
in this world,
at large
and this is why most of the time
I save my tears for private
and while I sometimes dance in public
most of the time
I glare and stare
instead of smile .
M Mar 2023
The feeling
aches
rages within me
all day
of just being left
so alone
so abandoned
I don't think I have ever been so alone
in my life,
its like no words escape my lips
I'm just so alone
and people promise to meet me,
and see me
say "they miss me.."
and than they dissapear
and I  don't hear from them
and I'm left alone
to face my demons inside
the ones I've always pushed away
the ones that have always shattered me inside.
and I always swallowed it down
swalloed it away,
saw everyone else fall in love around me
and still I was left all alone.
See everyone around me
go out with their friends ,
and me not feeling like I truly ever had anyone
who truly saw me,
and so I cut all of them out ,
because they all treated me so badly,
but inside inside
I was weeping crying raging
like a beat up horse
stuck in the wild
feral all alone,
my whole life
I took care of everyone else ,
in hope that one day
someone might see me
and see my pain,
would want to see what made my heart tick
what made my heart sing
the ones who pertended to
and would then just use me
abuse me
and say oh but she is so cute looking
no I'm not, see me.
but how can others see us
if we refuse to see our true selves
how can we have true friends
if we refuse to be our own true friend,
how can we expect others to not abuse us,
if we continue to abuse ourselves,
so now AS I sit broken here alone,
hugging my pillow in despair
not knowing what it  is to love,
to truly laugh,
to know what it is like to experience pleasure
to feel love
my whole life,
I have had a dream to be saved,
without even realizing that
I am the only one,
who can save myself ,
see nothing can save me,
not the *** addiction or the love addiction.
the vanity of wanting to look perfect all the time,
of wanting the food to fill the void within,
of wanting the repression to save me
to not bury me anymore,
but the only way out is through
so maybe tears are miracles ,
maybe tears are beautiful presents of love
maybe tears are hidden transformations
of droplets of love ,
hidden beneath the stars,
maybe healing is about learning to accept
the shadows that come up,
understanding that pain and love are two sides of the same coin
and when you can sit with yourself as you cry and burn
and get back up and take care of yourself again all alone
is when you learn to become the true warrior
and to learn that your voice holds so much power
to unlock codes of activation within your soul
and that when you heal yourself
you become so powerful
UNSTOPPABLE!
To be able to truly experience life and love
instead of or in place of where addictions once were
isn't that the true purpose of life
not to chase after money or ***
but when we are healed and healing
we can have healthy relationships
healthy love and have a healthy purpose
and when we understand the shadows
we understand ourselves
because the world wants to deceive us
and have us think
that we are just always meant to be happy
and if you aren't than there must be something wrong with you
I say no the ones who truly feel pain
and express it
can feel and experience  true joy and true love
and without doing the work we don't truly experience either
why do you think people drink so much and use so much ?
to forget to numb , to not truly feel anything ,
what if we all just had one big crying session all together
and held space for each other
I believe that would help to heal the world so much,
but I think what also helps to heal is kindness
kindness to plants and animals and even insects they feel it all tooo
we are all connected as one conciousness and when we harm one
like mother earth than we are all harmed as a whole.
when you see that old man struggling on the sidewalk or the poor
man haggered all alone and crying
do you have the kindness and love inside of you
to stop to care or to simply wish them love
most people don't why I honestly don't know
I have so many reasons why I should be the most hateful
bitter mean and abusive person in the world.
In fact my family most of them are all that way ,
but even tho parts of me are so hardened,
my heart is still the most alive.
My biggest dream since I have been so alone is to help
save humanity and still even within my struggle
I still do the best I can to help others
truly no one has any excuses in life to be a mean person
everything is choice evolve or stay the  same .
that is all
M Aug 2023
the art of self love
starting to see me
in my power
in my truth
feels hard
working on letting go of
codependent truths
and sharing my truths
from my place of power
and self worth
remembering where I came from
and who I am becoming
and I am really starting to love it
and see the prayers
reveal itself
M Sep 2023
I think found is
a state of seeing the
grass around me
staring at the sky
at the birds flying above me
being a teacher
and watching the children's
eyes light up when they see me
to feel that I am making the world a little
bit better
than I found it
to add some more light into a place of darkness
to start to accept myself love myself more
to start to like looking in the mirror sometimes
to start to realize that I was never the problem
I always sought out situations with people
who were very low class
in the way they viewed the world
in the crass horrific way they treated people
and in the drugs they used
maybe the problem was never me
all along
maybe I was a gem
hidden for so long
a diamond in the rough
maybe I am better than I imagined
viewing my life
as if a passerby
someone else stares back at me
with those soulful eyes
as I chatter back in Hebrew
a language  almost as old as time itself
I feel a familarity
in the air
maybe its a sense of coming home
coming home
to the child inside of me
who tells me that she now feels happy
sometimes
who tells me how sad but releaved she feels
how I remember more and more
I feel even more determined
to protect these babes
in the ways that I never was
to tell them that they are beautiful
smart and kind
as if I am telling that to myself
because I am
a cold heart
can melt away
and turn into a feeling one
it just takes time
as she takes a deep breath
and sighs and says
hmm yes healing takes time
and sometimes many many breakdowns
and healing many fears to get there
for the only way out is through.
Maybe the darkness
doesn't need to last forever
when we learn to heal our own darkness
and to learn to listen to ourselves
so deeply and so purely
to believe that we are so worthy
and than we are shown
that we are
and always were so worthy
for I was always trying to find me
and maybe the me
was always there all along
for we are always love deep down
for when you see children
they are love
and when we see animals and  nature
they are love
they are what gives me love
happieness and joy
I believe if we all learn how
to return to that state
the world will be more of a utopia
so for now all I have is myself
and the beating fire of my heart
that I am so happy
that I am still alive
still standing in my body
and with my eyes
that have seen so so much
in this life
for I feel so so old
ancient almost
but still ever ever so young
and filled with more hope
than I have in a very very long time
for it feels as if my heart is starting to beat
slowly once again.
M Sep 2023
I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my  smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,

I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.

Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.

I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.

I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally  shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.

At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.

I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.

When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her  face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.

Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess  that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.

Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!

My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.
M Feb 2023
I feel like the body
holds the pain
once I release it
I don't know who I am
anymore.

For so long
i have identified
with that pain
unknowingly.

Now that I
have noone
in my life .

Only me
I feel sad and ashamed
All I can do is think
the thoughts overwhelm me
and it feels like
I can't even breathe.
Not sure what to do anymore

I just know
I am meant to live the life
that I have always wanted to live
So I will keep on going
no matter what.

I will heal myself reclaim myself
love myself
and find myself.
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