LOOKS, LOOKS, LOOKS
that's all anyone ever talks about anymore
and I'm so **** sick and tired of it

People
insult me and put me down
but what they don't realize is
I put myself down
every single time I look in the mirror

So I avoid looking at my reflection
hoping to escape my demons
Praying that my very presence won't offend
wishing my eyes would stop seeking
the imperfections

I'm surrounded by guys
and being the only girl I'm a target
they take their chance
and one by one take a shot at me
They say it's only teasing but if that were true
then why do you always say these things?

So before they can diss me
I diss myself
I always say dissing myself
is better than being dissed

They tell me I'm beautiful one minute
then claim to rather commit suicide than
be attracted to me
and I hide beneath clothes
hiding my body as best as I can
and hide my identity with my hair

I remember being compared to other girls
they were always angels
and I was just the monster hiding under the bed

Ask anyone and they'll say I'm strong
nothing will ever hold me down
but that I'm a little insecure
but they don't know that
beneath the rough exterior is just a girl
with a heart
begging to be loved

I've always been the strange quiet one
with her face stuck in a book
a passion for music
and a love of writing

But back in elementary
I never ate breakfast
a few spoonful's of yogurt for lunch
and a bite or two of dinner
I was so skinny my family called me
Flaca, skinny in spanish

Everyone always said
"you're just so skinny and small"
and never glanced at me twice
but now that I eat they all say
"you're such a fat ***"
I'm still just a sack of bones
just with a little more meat now

And I remember being told for the first time
"you're beautiful"
but I never believed
not after being told I was liked but
that I wasn't good enough to be dated
or that I'm a "mega *****"
"if you're going to be weird don't talk to me"
"you have a witchy nose, like Pinocchio"
"fat ugly lips"
and "******* ugly as ****"

No I never believed the
"you're beautiful" line
because I never felt beautiful
or even deserving of that stupid line
and now I'll admit
I'm afraid to believe or even think for just one second
that I could ever be
Beautiful

There is no saving me
no matter how hard you try
but I'll keep myself afloat
just for the sake of those depending on me
to keep their heads above water
and help them back to shore

I'll keep on smiling and laughing
hiding the darkness
that lurks just beneath the skin
and I'll keep being selfless
to save you before it's too late

I will hide the shattered pieces
so as not to burden you
and pretend I'm not dying on the inside
to keep from giving you false hope
I'll keep you safe from the harshness of the world
and carry the weight of our secrets
to save you from my fate
and I won't let my broken dying soul
seep through the cracks of my mask

I'll keep the side you don't see
behind locked doors
exactly where it needs to be
locked behind those doors and under
the bed inside my head

And I'll make sure all you see is the
vibrant color of my cheeks
and selfless nature
I'll keep you from the worst parts of me
because I can never be
the girl you thought you knew
I will always be
the monster lurking just beneath

I have two sides
there's the one you see
happy, vibrant and selfless
and the one behind locked doors
depressed, broken and dying

I wasn't born here
though this is where I spent most of my life
and where all my friends are
I used to visit my family in Puerto Rico
but it's been six years since I last saw them
I planned on going back this summer to see them
but I can't
I realized I may never go back
my aunt, cousin and uncle are coming here
and there will be no reason to go back
my grandma will come visit us
instead of us seeing her
but I miss the beach
and rain forests
I miss the mountains
the warmth
the view
I miss the food
and the crowded cities
and the street vendors that came with it
I miss the smell of the ocean
and the forest
the ice cream and guava jelly donuts
god how I crave the taste of home
I miss the friendly people
and stacked houses
and riding in the cab of my uncles truck
I want to swim in the waterfalls
and come across the ice cream man
while we walk through the forest
and buy mango ice cream from his cart
I want to tan on the beach
while a man gets his Cheetos stolen by a bird
and a group of friends blares music from giant red speakers
I want to walk along the shore barefoot
sand squished between my toes
and the wind scenting me with the ocean and forest
I want to sit on my grandma's porch
and laugh with my family
and watch as a Chameleon crawls across the railing
changing colors as it runs by unnoticed
and most of all
I want to wake up every morning
to the smell of breakfast
and my family being noisy and laughing
trying to get things done and bumping into each other
teasing each other about being clumsy
and planning what to do for the day already
but knowing we'll end up winging it anyway
just doing what we want when we want
I miss my little island
and I miss the joy and excitement it always brings me
sometimes I wonder why we stayed here
when we had family waiting for us to return
and we so obviously couldn't stay away for long
I miss everything about
my beautiful little island

I feel dry and
empty
like a dried up well
I can feel the black thoughts
taking over my mind
Whispering
sweet evil nothings
in my ear
dripping with honey laced poison
I feel the depression
sinking into my bones
taking root in my blood stream
and poisoning my mind
I feel the hatred
slowly infecting my soul
like cancer
it never goes away
I feel the cracks forming
slowly, subtly
spreading across my skin
like spider webs
just waiting until I break
I feel myself start to shatter
the darkness within
leaking out
infecting those around me
and at the same time
******* in the world's evil shadows
my body now a host for
the dark light I always adored
Madness
taking residency in my eyes
Hatred
poisoned my soul
Depression
made my flesh and blood
overtook my mind
lives in my bones
and now I see only red
all I know is the bitter taste of life
and the sweet honey of poison
I live with the dark light
it thrives inside me
and soothes the burning of my heart
I no longer know myself
I love the moon
the chaos she brings
and the innocent screams
of her victims
as the madness takes over

Why do I always hold my breath
when I’m near him?
Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid
to breathe in his scent
slowly, unconsciously, gravitating towards him
getting lost in his arms
as he catches me as I begin to fall

I’m standing right there yet you don’t see me
instead walking away with someone else
I feel so small and insignificant
unwanted and out of place

her hand looks so nice in his
I hate all these couples
surrounding me
teasing and taunting me

I think of these things and
I can feel the loneliness start to build in my veins
the tightness in my chest
and the sharp pin needles attacking my heart

I can’t seem to help but despise these
happy thoughts
all the butterflies in my belly
and the way my pulse races in your presence
so I pulled off the wings of the butterflies
they died and can no longer flit about
I held my heart in place and breathed deeply
so my pulse no longer reacts to you

I killed all of the happy thoughts
shooting them down
and leaving them to rot
I pulled the feathers out of my dove angel wings
now replaced with punctured moth wings
and threw my halo out the window
now replaced by devil horns

Instead of looking to the sun
I now look to the moon
thoughts of sun shine and laughter
make me sick
I stick to the shadows and broken echoes
of a long forgotten land

I can’t seem to learn to love the
happy thoughts
anymore
barely able to stand myself
let alone you