If any of my friends died
I don’t think I could handle it
the pain would be
too much
I would drown in grief
my tears would never stop flowing
my heart would shatter
and there would be no fixing or mending
no amount of stitching
or patchwork
could ever fix my broken heart
I’d never live again
I would simply wander aimlessly
like a broken shadow
my soul would disappear
trying to escape all of the pain
my bones would barely
support my weight
and all of the kings horses and all of the kings men
couldn’t put me back together again
no amount of comfort
or sweet kind words would ever gain my genuine smile
nor any amount of funny wordplay and silly jokes
would ever bring back my laughter
I would be hollow and empty
because my friends are my family
and I have given each and every one of them a piece of my soul
a piece of my heart
and all of my trust
and losing even just one
is like losing a piece of myself
and without that piece I would be lost

My subconscious
does strange things when
my mind wanders off

Set me on fire
go ahead and light the match
soak me in gasoline
and watch me burn like the sun
watch as my hair turns black
my skin a darker shade of golden brown
watch as my eyes turn to swirling pools of chocolate
listen to the way I scream
the agonizing burn of my flesh
the searing of my blood
and somehow I've never felt so alive
so set me on fire
go ahead and light the match
soak me in gasoline
watch me burn
knowing
the day I died was the day I lived

I am a tarnished gem
no matter how you cut and polish me
I will always be a dark soul
no matter which light you hold me in
I will always be a forgotten land
no matter how you chart my waters
I will always be the unsolved labyrinth
no matter how many times you “find” my heart
I will always be a phantom itch
no matter how many times you tear at the skin
I will always be a slow disease
no matter what “cure” you find
I will always be the rotten apple of your eye
despite all the parts you carve out
I will always be the withering flower in your garden
even after all the times you nurture me back to health
I am a book of doubts
no matter how many compliments you write on my pages
I am the second star to the right
no matter how you try to steal me from the sky
I am a cloud
despite your need to catch me
I will always be the fire that burns your veins
no matter how you try to ease the burn
I am a jagged scar
despite your attempts to erase me
I will always be the forgotten land riddled with hidden treasure
no matter how you navigate my uncharted sea’s

I belong behind a Piano
fingers gently splayed across the keys
keeping time with my toes
I long to have a Cello between my knees
the button
pressed against my chest
every note vibrating through my limbs
my shoulder and right hand feels empty
without a Violin to keep them company
weaving my melody through the air with silver thread
stitching together the accompaniment and counter melody
while the bass thrums through the floors fusing us together with it’s
heartbeat
my fingers twitch filled with the need to touch the thin cords of a Harp
every lyrical note smoothing my frayed edges
lulling me into a daze
colors swirling behind my half lidded eyes
the lullaby flows from my fingertips
softly wrapping itself around me like a safety blanket
the musician in me craves music the way a ****** needs ******
my body sways to the music in my head
my soul belongs to the thrum and hum of the music
my heart belongs to the bone deep vibrations of every note
surrounded by music
the heartbeat of the bass pulsing through my veins
I have found where I belong
the place my soul, body and mind finds peace
I have found home
in the reverberating notes of the Cello
the thrumming heart of the Bass
the steady pulse of the Piano
the lilting lullaby of the Harp
and the Violin’s silver melody

I feel repressed
unable to be true to myself
locked away from the me that longs to be free
I'm afraid to show you what I can do
afraid you'll only huff and turn away
I'm frightened to voice my true thoughts
knowing all you'll do is hate me
I lock myself away
so as not to see the disdain in your eyes
I no longer recognize myself
the stranger in the mirror can't relate
she doesn't understand
she's confused as to why she can't come out
there's nothing left of her in me
she was the girl who knew herself like the river knew how to flow
the girl who loved to ask questions
who sought the answers despite what she was told
the girl who never shed a tear a day in her life
is now replaced with the girl who smiles to mask the tears
laughs to hide the pain
she no longer asks questions
no longer seeking answers
she simply nods and accepts the answers she is given
loving freely to disguise her broken heart
and now because of you she no longer lives
you killed her
she's gone and all thats left is a shell
a ghost and a hollow laugh

Tell me how it feels
to have your heart pierced by an arrow
not by one of Cupid's
but by betrayal

Tell me how it feels
when the poison leaked into your heart
when your heart turned black
how it withered away

Tell me how it feels
when the ashes were blown away
what stands in it's place
how do you live with the emptiness

Tell me how it feels
to know you can't piece it back together
how the cold spread through your limbs
the way your blood burned

Tell me how it feels
to give up
to hate the sun and all it's warmth
living under your rock

Tell me how it feels
when you felt the poison in your veins
and your heart disappeared
when the tears fell silently

Tell me how it feels
to know you will never live again
never love the light
to surrender all that you once were

So tell me how do you live like this
with this
surrounded by this
Infected by this poisonous arrow of betrayal