These days it feels like the walls are
closing in on me
I can feel myself slipping away
becoming oblivious to my cage
only seeing the sun
so desperate to be free
I keep running into the bars
frantically trying to reach the sun

I get the feeling something is missing
a hole in my memory
a tear in my belly
an ache in my heart
I can’t seem to put my finger on it
no clue as to what caused it
this hollow feeling tears through my body
it eats at my insides
my mind starts to pound
searching for answers seeking out every dark secret
hoping to find the source of this emptiness,
this thing,
this cold tendril of fire whips through me reopening deep wounds
only bits and pieces are coming back
flashes of fire and tears
relief and anger
rain and laughter
but it’s not the same
things are changed but I don’t know what
and it’s not in the right order
I delve deeper into the dark fire that is my memories
only to find a burning blackness swirling just beneath the skin
slivers of twirling silver memories threading itself through the inky black fog
nothing is in the right order but I write it down anyway
hoping the rest will come back
but it’s only bits and pieces
and I’m tearing my hair out
wracking my brain
I’m going to go insane
and these bits and pieces are not enough

These scars that we gain from the war
they remain for the rest of our days they never fade
these battle scars will never go away
are never going to change

Every mark that mars our smooth skin is a constant reminder,
a reminder of the pain, the loss and the hopelessness
the scars we create on our hearts
coincide with the ones inflicted upon us

Every drop of blood is a broken memory
the wind a whispered companion
the tears always the crack before the flood
and the pain always the calm before the raging storm

I realized I’m the one my friends come to with their problems
trusting me to be the one to fix these broken dams
to salvage the fire
to fix these scars
to save these lives
to smile and pretend like I have everything under control
when really I’m breaking on the inside
I'm grasping at straws
taking a shot in the dark
never really knowing if it will help
I let them cry on my shoulder
hold them until they stop whispering about how it will be alright
but honestly I don’t know if it will
I can feel the guilt gnawing at my insides
knowing I can’t save these delicate lives
I can feel the secrets weighing down on me
itching to be free of this troubled mind
secrets so dark and raw most would crumble
but I stay strong
no tears no emotion not a flicker of . . . anything
these lives resting in the palm of my hands
no pressure . . . right

I don’t know what it is about me that people trust
maybe it’s because
I like to think that I can fix anything
like when my step dad was told one of his intestines didn’t work
I comforted my mother as she cried on my shoulder
I liked to think that if I kept them close I could keep the pain at bay
I took care of my two little brothers while she sat in the hospital
waiting, worried about him surviving the surgery
later it was announced that he needed another surgery
once again mom laid her head on my shoulder
he survived but earned another scar
another life or death surgery under his belt

My sister was so sick she couldn’t hold anything down
constantly throwing up sometimes dry heaving
always dizzy and sleepy
making her irritable
she spent two weeks in the hospital
maybe a little longer
mom cried next to me on the couch worried sick about her
she asked how I was doing I told her I was fine, it’s going to be alright
even though I myself wondered and worried afraid for her life
I went to see her a few times
no one could figure out what was wrong with her
they diagnosed and treated her but to no avail
in fact she got worse
they diagnosed her again last minute
had they waited any longer she would be dead
she has diabetes

My grandma fell down her tile and concrete stairs
mom was scared for her, she could have hit her head and bled out
she couldn’t walk very well without help
she was diagnosed with M.S.
she now lives with my aunt in Puerto Rico

My step dad was diagnosed with cancer
I remember mom sat me down to tell me tears streaking down her cheeks
with his useless father standing behind her
she asked me how I was doing
I stared at her with a blank face and hugged her
the reality of it all didn’t hit me until I saw him laying in a hospital bed
tubes coming out of every inch of exposed skin
I went home that night and cried
mom worked all the time now to pay for the hospital visits, chemo
and everything in-between
I took care of my brothers almost all the time now
while my useless grandfather sat on his *** in front of the television
every now and then telling me how to take care of the boys
I raised them I know how to care for them go back to sitting on your ***
don't force feed my brother
stop deliberately disobeying our rules
you're an *** never giving a **** that your son was dying
all you cared about was your stupid television
you didn't give a **** about the safety of your grandsons
and after months of extreme anger and depression
of punching things and yelling
going off at the smallest insignificant things
my stepdad was finally in remission
and finally we were able to rid ourselves of my grandfather's toxic presence

I remember my mothers friend telling us she’s six weeks pregnant
she almost lost the baby
she wanted me to be her babysitter
we were so excited and picked out baby names
only to lose the baby days later
my heart broke alongside her own
her boyfriend left her and said
in his country men can leave their wives because they can't bear a child
mom’s eyes watered
I tell her it’s ok next time we know what to do
she’s at the age where having a baby is harder to do
she let her emotions out in front of me wanting to be strong for Yendy
I put my own feelings aside to comfort her

I helped my friend through the pain
of watching her little sister try to end her life
I stopped pursuing my crush
I put aside all feelings for him and avoided him
knowing he would ask about my problems and try to comfort me
as he had done so many times before
I gave my friend advice on how to talk to her sister
gave her comfort when she struggled to keep her tears back
advised her to listen to her sister
told her to subtly encourage her to dump her horrid friends

I barely slept staying up all night to talk to my best friend
she was going through a difficult breakup
I tried my best to mend her broken heart

I barely ate when a friend was betrayed by his girlfriend
I played referee for another friend and her boyfriend
once again I stopped all advancements in my life giving them my advice
now I realize
I always seem to put my life on hold for my friends
I fix these broken dams
I salvage the fire
I fix these scars
I save these lives
I have everything under control
I know what I’m doing
I’m the strong one so you don’t have to be

I love my friends more than anything in this world
they are my family
my everything
so for one friend to devastate another
is difficult to witness
the agony written all over his face
the anguish in his eyes
it’s almost too much to bear
the sorrow and anger he felt so deeply flows into me
I feel it as if I were the one betrayed
I’m so scared to leave him alone, afraid of what might happen
I try to comfort him but it doesn’t seem to work
I have no clue what to do
how can I make this better?
I want to take away the suffering and ease the anger
to be the one abused
I would rather be the tormented and broken one
the one to feel so low I go into hibernation and think about hurting myself
to be the one with scars on my arms
to be so ****** up that I can’t seem to think straight
I would do it if it meant my friends could be free of their pain
to laugh again with no tears in sight
to be carefree
to love running around chasing one another
wrestling and rolling around in the grass landing in a puddle of mud
throwing snowballs at each other
and dancing in the rain
maybe it’s a foolish thing to wish for but it’s all I want
I need to take away this pain
to fix this problem
to ***** it out like a candle
I need him to know that I’m here and never leaving
that this pain is only temporary
you still have friends
we’re here for you
I’m here
I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again
so please don’t shut me out
I worry and no matter what you say I know your not fine
your not getting over this you’re so hung up on it
but it’s ok, let it go
things will work out for the better
it may take many years but until then I promise I will be here
I will be your anchor
that keeps you from blowing away
and if need be I will take the pain and make it my own
I will take the razor and press it to my skin
I will cry the tears
I will drink the alcohol
I will smoke the tobacco
or whatever it is you like to smoke
I will stay up all night
I'll starve myself
I will hide beneath the covers
I will wallow in the misery
just so you can be free of it all

Lets be honest with ourselves for a minute
do you really know what love is?
What it means to be in love?
What its like to fall in love?
Sure you nod your head and think to yourself yeah of course,
who doesn’t?
But the thing is having an idea of love is not knowing
all we do is come up with ideas
nobody really knows
the thing with love is that it's not describable
we do our best but you have to ask yourself and be honest
Do I know what love is?
Have i ever fallen in love?
Am I really in love?
Well I guess those questions then lead to the real question,
what is the difference between love and lust?
Well here’s my idea
there is no such thing as Being in love
no fallen and hit rick bottom no way back kind of love
I believe that you don’t just suddenly find yourself being in love
you don’t fall in love with someone you just met
sure maybe there’s a connection
but don’t mistake that for love at first sight
it’s just more of a feeling
the kind you get when you’re around someone that seems similar to you
or seems similar to someone you know and love
maybe there’s something about them that strikes a chord with you
I believe there is no such thing as fallen
there is no I’ve fallen, I’m there, it’s done, Yay I’m in love!
No you fall and you fall and you fall
and you keep falling
everyday of every second of every moment
every word from his tongue sends you into a daze
every kiss spiraling into a pit of fire
the uncontrollable burning in your belly kind
the kind that warms you completely from the inside out
and every time you get bored no matter where you are
you can’t seem to help but think about him
all the funny things he said and did
every time he said I love you but you didn’t say it back, still he kissed you
when he held you in his arms and didn’t say a word
you laced your hands together loving the comfortable silence
knowing words are not needed to say everything
and nothing at the same time
all the times you cuddled on the couch talking all night
After he left you wrapped your arms around yourself thinking about it
your phone goes off and he’s calling you
butterflies swirl in your stomach as excitement makes your heart pound
you answer with an excited hello and a bright smile
you talked on the phone the rest of the night until you fell asleep
and you fell even harder
it’s when he brings you food and coffee in the middle of the night
because you can’t sleep
so you sit in the grass in your backyard cuddled against him
you don’t mind being alone with him because he makes you feel safe
it’s when you feel a hollow ache in the pit of your belly
craving his presence
when you’ve been around him a million times
yet each time you see him the butterflies come fluttering back
and shivers pleasantly run down your spine
he wraps an arm around you and you know you're still falling
and always will be

I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment
so dim witted
I’m sorry I can’t recall every minor detail
so oblivious to the world
I’m sorry I can no longer carry a tune
like when I was a child
I’m sorry I never lived up to your standards
so high I could not even glimpse them
I’m sorry I failed to be your perfect princess
too small and frail
I’m sorry I was never the musician she was
so awkwardly sitting
clumsily manipulating the strings
I’m sorry I never excelled the way she did
so distracted and unwilling
I’m sorry I never followed your laws
to many to count on my fingers
struggling to be free
I’m sorry I did the things I did
ashamed of who I was and confined
I’m sorry I made you cry
so depressed, my insecurities being repeated back at me
as if I didn’t say it to myself every time I looked into the treacherous mirror
I’m sorry I’d rather lose my self in poetry than your games
so confused and lost in this world
I’m sorry I can’t even keep my friends happy
anxiously shy and afraid to disappoint
I’m sorry about who I am
so wild and untamed like fire
I’m sorry I never turned out slightly like you wanted
banging against the windows begging to be free
I’m sorry your interests never drew me in
always alone with my thoughts and buried in a book
and I’m sorry for everything that I am and everything I’m yet to be
I hate to disappoint but there’s nothing I can do
I’m sorry my soul body mind and blood are riddled with imperfections
every breath toxic and infectious
I don’t mean to infect
I am a walking disease so please don’t come too close
I never meant to infect
just let me be in peace and I swear you won’t catch my disease
my toxic poison will never touch your lips
I’m sorry my imperfections have marred your skin
I don’t mean to seek your destruction
but it seems I have no control in who catches my slow disease