Doubted and teased,
all together we had
that time to learn.
That time turned into
war over being the teacher.
The one who knows everything
becomes mistakenly fawned over.
The one who had to hear her name
shouted from feet of distance
had the world blow up in her face.
I had that happen,
I said I was done along with something else,
and I got up.
I left and bursted to tears then later fell asleep.
I woke up,
I felt no sorrow.
I knew what I felt and they did too,
they ignored and kept playing their game.
Some outbursts are the most needed in a situation.
You never know
until you doubt and face
the consequences.

Expect to see me as I
pass by on the block.
Know I am ok when I
am alone at a table.
Spend no time waiting for me
in a chair facing away from the
desk,
I am never coming back.
Change not a thing and be
nobody new.

It’s just too little too late
very soon and frantically
grasping.
It took such little time
to be distant and receive
a smile,
hello,
how are you?,
how have you been?
Friendliness had to wait
and come once I was
gone.

But truthfully,
I’m still here,
and I see you there.
I walk this same block
for the same reason
you do.
It is the fastest way
home for both of us,
though my home is
occupied by just
me.
Come over anytime
when you are not busy
together.

This maze and cluster is a
gift and a curse
to be privileged to work
and walk amongst.
Forget being alone.
Everyone knows and everyone
see’s the transparence within
the eyes blinking and pace of a walk.
I walk alone fast and furious
to avoid speaking to
anyone who has the mind
of a Queen.
I find a spot sit and rest in fetal
position.
I get walked by and noticed
every time.
No place is mine here in this
maze called school.
So just leave me alone.
You don’t need to know right away what I have.
I will go home and I’m going to stay here.
I will reach the end of the Maze someday.
The finish line may get broken before I
cross but I’ll be one to complete
this challenge.
Learn from the ones who laugh at the
behavior and strike the ones who
don’t accept.
Maybe they are lost in the maze too.
I have a life,
so I walk this maze,
and say hi as I go.
I never hide,
I show as much as I want to.
The maze is not mine, but my pace is.
Even if I walk with a gift and
a curse deep inside,
I think well of the people who see
no curse and walk with me in the maze.
We finish,
together.
This is why
I don’t
hide.

Will the avalanche occur on the Yukon
the day I choose to walk?
I’m here to forget my troubles,
not hear nature’s anger
talk.
Will a shark bite my leg off
the morning I surf the Pacific Coast
to regain my bliss?
I am not here to invade the shark’s
home, I am giving myself an athletic
kiss.
How much more can I lose?
Have I worked hard enough?
I felt as if I should be nice,
but that was a fight,
and I was supposed to be
tough.
I don’t want my worst moment
to happen again.
I want to be a good woman
and a selfless friend.
I will keep myself calm,
keep my tongue still.
I will be polite if someone criticizes me or
insists I accept their help,
indeed they will.
They know I am different,
oblivious,
and strange.
We humans are a cluster of works in
progress,
not a group to be arranged.
I am here for the same reason,
they are no better no worst.
Changing to be improved
is a gift,
and very much so a curse,
I will change,
I’ll reimburse,
but never again,
will I be that
worse.
The future is in my hands,
not in my purse.
This is not worth a word in the dictionary
of words of curse,
I’d like to be better and humble,
no longer worse.

Hands have too many privileges,
two too many with
five fingers to physically feel.
When the smaller head thinks it needs to be
bathed clothed and fed,
men’s hands will grab the sexiest *****
within their first opportunity.
I was walking with my man,
years ago I was nineteen in college.
We were in a public galleria,
he let go of my hand we were holding hands
side by side.
Before I knew it,
he did it again.
He stood in front of me,
had the most aggressive expression,
and with his hands he squeezed my *******
about ten times and said,
“******* ******* ******* ******* *******!”
I was startled and shocked out of my mind.
We were in public!
Did he not care about who was around us?
How could he disrespect my body?
How could he be so cruel and greedy?
Careless and childish?
Those ***** were mine and still are!
They are nobody else’s!
Today,
I am 23.
I let my eyes naturally look, stare,
and I don’t always know if I blush or smile.
Nobody is allowed to love me
in a romantic way.
Nobody is ever to by “my” man.
I support any man who is attracted to me or interested,
but he cannot have me.
I am naïve, adorable, and apparently beautiful.
Is it my eyes they will see that make me stand as
confident, sharp, and as if I am aware I own myself?
Or are my ***** so big, beautiful, and *****,
that is all anyone has and will ever want from me?
It is my body.
Nobody is allowed to love me.
No,
I will not have dinner with you.
No,
I will not go to the movies with you.
No,
I will not walk in the park with you.
No,
I will not fornicate with you.
I prefer my loneliness as well as my social life.
I don’t need a man ever again.
Nobody is allowed to love me or
feel my body.
Too bad whenever I hug someone
my ******* are in the way.
I love them dear,
I will never love a man ever again.
Who knows what he is really thinking.
Is it his brain?
Or the other
head.
A girl will never know the truth behind a man’s intentions
until she all of a sudden feels a hand
on her body
in the wrong
place.

Wait til you portray,
you’ll hear my voice,
come what may.
I can’t make you stay,
but if games are what you play,
come back another day.
You’ll be older and know more,
you will remember how you were before.
picking on people is not humor its relaxation.
This is how you make friendship a staycation.
We don’t observe,
we mind our own nerve.
It becomes a show and tell.
Every day I get dragged into hell.
I see and feel when you were hurt.
Excuse me,
do you know  I’ve also been kicked in the dirt?
Reason you never thought is because I
brush it off and walk away.
If you’re anger must be spread onto me,
I’d rather be clean and see you
another day.
When you are not going to cheat,
you will follow the rules
and play.
Then we don’t confuse love for
admiration,
we feel the burn of compassion
and our friendship becomes
a vacation.
Feel the relief of spending time with you
and your space.
Never forget the time you got drunk at
my place.
You took the couch and you slept like a baby.
First you cried like one,
but I still see you as a fine lady.
Sharp and mature,
and we love no matter what the hell may
occur.
Take my hand,
we’re on an adventure.
New places to go,
and forget the structure.

Perhaps I am the seasoning of your
bread on the plate.
You drizzle me on and  I make the day
better.
Once you are gone like the bread eaten
alive
I am pushed back to the corner of the
table
in my glass jar kept away from
all.
So does this mean I am just an
entertaining
portion of the meal?
All you want from me is
my beauty to walk beside
in the streets of the village?
Live the day with or without
me.
You are not a dish to be eaten
and I am not your
olive oil.
I may not run all over you but
I am not living alone in a
jar.

I laid down in the sand, and only to see.
I heard my name and there you called for me.
The people I knew were all there.
You asked me to throw the ball with you and you offered me
a beach chair.
I laid back down as people smiled and weren't bothered by me.
You were so excited that I arrived, not at all worried.
I closed my eyes, but I woke up the sun had such a strong beam.
Everyone talked amongst themselves, you played with kids I never met,
it was only a dream.
I got up from my towel and watched you play ball.
I asked to join, you said no. I felt my self esteem fall.
I stood alone never knowing that loneliness was a better place.
Vacation was time to relax, but this seemed like time to waste.
Not introduced, not allowed to be near.
I'd join the adult conversations, but I am not one
whom they want to hear.
This is promoting my noticeable insecurity.
So tempted but can't bear to say, you really hurt me.
Not a chance to play ball, only to let you succeed.
I gave you a successful situation, if that is what you need.
Since I still feel I am your friend I respect your wish.
Granted as I go in the ocean alone, I'm a lonely fish.
The dream I had of being included was imaginable and self made.
Hard to tell if I grew up since I didn't follow you, instead,
I stayed.
I did my part, you had your fun, playing football with them in the beach fog.
Spoke to me wide eyed and commanding as if I were a dog.
Your brilliance is there, I heard it all before.
Your lessons are meaningful, but nothing I choose to care for.
I felt and saw the real you and how you changed and how it is going to be.
I'll never forget our friendship,
so maybe one day, again, you will dream
of me.

Can you whistle into the glass seltzer
bottle in your hand so I can at least
hear something that is not human
voice?
As voices grow louder and are stripped
of melody and harmony,
all we hear is
lash of the
tiger.
Sound of roar and just can’t
seem to find the right words.
Maybe a spoon being tapped to a jar
would be a good start,
and we could take a bag of noodles
and shake it a little.
Just by creating sound of what we are given
in a peaceful way so we don’t hear
anger within a voice.
I cannot hear one yell without needing
to scream out frustration.
If you ever see me on the rooftops,
my guitar will do the shouting for me.
We need music in our lives.
Let it overtake the pain in your head
as it travels in your veins.
Learn from it,
and never scream
around me
again.

Listening to sad songs
having a moment with my feelings.
Blocking the sound of everyone laughing together.
The melody is my love.
It speaks to me and is honest.
But it doesn't know me.
It's a moment I can control to hear
what I want.
I'm not reprimanded or the elephant in the room.
To **** it I'll turn on the record player.
To go back to old school before this
transition.
I can turn on a song whenever I want but it takes a broken back and ****** hands to
turn you on.
I can turn off the song when I need to but you just love to hear yourself talk.
When one hears a song one should listen and learn.
You don't.

She waited and waited
with her fingers on the window pane
and face of anxiety meeting its match.
There was nothing there to have fear nor
was there drama powerful enough for all
to come to her and let her rule.

She was all too different
she had the face of a model and the
body of an addict.
That is what the magazine article
said.
She would sprint to catch her people,
she wrestled her schedule to find time
for them.
Begging for others to stay and could
never be strong to let go.

This is who she had,
this is what they wanted,
she had no choice but to keep them,
she had to pretend all along.

She stared out the window pane
she got frustrated as she stormed
to the table with coffee pouring and
tea from the kettle.
She poured herself a cup,
and as the drink burned her mouth,
she remembered the pain that felt too
relevant as nobody was there.

They were not who she had,
she lied for so long that she was no
fool.
The fire in her throat was the transparence of
voicemails asking when they could come back.
She put all her time and effort into those who did
not care for her, and never took time to nod at the ones
who actually did.

Years passed,
many were renamed and overlooked,
no wrists were grabbed,
no one was getting on their knees.
She let them do their thing and never took
space for granted.

The tea was gone from the mug,
her throat felt better.
Nobody came,
was the perfect time to smash the mug
in order to see where her days of being credulous
were to end in pieces.

She had tea alone and as she
picked up the pieces on the floor,
every shattered glass thrown away
was like letting go of anyone who
abused, assaulted, or
lied.

She just couldn’t be credulous
anymore.
It was time to tell herself the truth and
believe something other than fantasy.
Though no one was at the party,
it was worth telling the truth in the
end.
Something finally felt right.

They think online says it all.
Defines every matter
And knows everything by the back of its
Hand.
Use the back of the hand
And slap it in your face.
The truth lies where
Real people and real moments
Occur.
I am not what half of it says.
Nothing is make believe
But nothing is ever what it
seems.
I have something that can’t be
Ignored and I think well of others
Like I should and desire.
Forget
What the internet says about
Anything about anything
About anything about
Anything.
See for yourself.

Your happiness and joy is to be provided by all
when we are all down here together.
Your needs and requests are to be fulfilled by all
when we are all down here together.
You are welcome in conversation to lecture us all
and interrupt me when we are all down here
together.
You are bragged about and fawned by your mother
as she gloats about you being a
confident,
smart,
God.

I am a joke to you.
I gave up the cheerleading squad so
I could be away from those who would
pick on me.
I sacrafice an hour each week so I can
talk about what I really don't want to.
I have no friends when I am down there
but ostracized by the minute when I am
down here.
It is all
for you.

You better be happy after you see your mother
and my mother get so frightened as I open my
mouth to speak.
I'll shut mine if you shut yours.
Deal.
Just learn to enjoy me
for once.