Don't know what told me inside myself to
Look you up.
Seeing from a glance where you are now in life
Was worth a thought of suicide.
I'm not going to do it.
I won't beg for you to talk to me again.
I'll never be on my knees but my feet are
Always taking me in the opposite direction.
This is not love, but either way a loss
No matter
How we choose
To live our apprehension.
Looking at your page and photos
Remembering how I let you put your hands
All over my naked body even if I
Didn't want to.
I would rush home and sit in traffic on the highway during sunset on a summer night.
I would throw on a dress to see you
Even if I didn't
Have time to.
Guess the stress of our love and trying to see you lead us here.
In the other direction.
Ex marks the spot.

My mouth just moves.
My words just hurt.
I'll shut up now,
just by being alone and
watching him be happy
are the consequence.
I never
should
have said those things
about you.
Do you know that I said them?
Is that why we did not keep a
friendship?
Every memory of us has now
hit me way too hard.
My heart beats to the speed of
my tears.
I now keep my mouth shut
on behalf of the love
you created
and then
killed.
Two wrongs never make a right.
I made
it
awkward.

She waited and waited
with her fingers on the window pane
and face of anxiety meeting its match.
There was nothing there to have fear nor
was there drama powerful enough for all
to come to her and let her rule.

She was all too different
she had the face of a model and the
body of an addict.
That is what the magazine article
said.
She would sprint to catch her people,
she wrestled her schedule to find time
for them.
Begging for others to stay and could
never be strong to let go.

This is who she had,
this is what they wanted,
she had no choice but to keep them,
she had to pretend all along.

She stared out the window pane
she got frustrated as she stormed
to the table with coffee pouring and
tea from the kettle.
She poured herself a cup,
and as the drink burned her mouth,
she remembered the pain that felt too
relevant as nobody was there.

They were not who she had,
she lied for so long that she was no
fool.
The fire in her throat was the transparence of
voicemails asking when they could come back.
She put all her time and effort into those who did
not care for her, and never took time to nod at the ones
who actually did.

Years passed,
many were renamed and overlooked,
no wrists were grabbed,
no one was getting on their knees.
She let them do their thing and never took
space for granted.

The tea was gone from the mug,
her throat felt better.
Nobody came,
was the perfect time to smash the mug
in order to see where her days of being credulous
were to end in pieces.

She had tea alone and as she
picked up the pieces on the floor,
every shattered glass thrown away
was like letting go of anyone who
abused, assaulted, or
lied.

She just couldn’t be credulous
anymore.
It was time to tell herself the truth and
believe something other than fantasy.
Though no one was at the party,
it was worth telling the truth in the
end.
Something finally felt right.

Don't have to be my world,
you can have others higher than me.
Don't have to go out to dinner,
I'm fine with a Netflix movie.
Doesn't have to be Titanic,
I'm fine with Mtv.
We can watch Teen Mom and Real World,
that will never be you and me.
Never did I think I was making strikes.
Nor did I want to be husband and wife.
I'm fine with no love but I want to be friends
with no sharing lies.
I just want to be a part of your life.
I look at this as our destiny,
no one is a prize.
I remember how you looked me in
the eyes.
Not one mean bone in your body and lots of
nerves as high as the skies.
I will always respect you and I'm not giving
too many tries.
But I think we deserve to have each other in our
lives.
Just sitting here with a beer you didn't buy me,
waiting on your
replies.

Discipline is not around.
Peace cannot be found.
Skyscrapers collapse as street-goers
act as if they couldn't care less.
Glass and cement all around the ground,
this place is a mess.
To have the guts to keep it together and clean.
How we're now on our own but were once
a team.
Rules change and people won't play.
Tied to a chair and tortured and whipped for wanting to say.
This is all a mess
how do you not see?
Admonish us all
never thought this is what it would be.
Can you ever admire those who are good?
This turned into a mess.
Breaks my heart
how it ever could.

I know I can’t always rely on the warmth of your hug
by your arms simply locking me away from
stress.
I know we can’t get younger and are on different
levels of occupation.
I know my anxiety drives me crazy and I fear
it does to you.
You say it doesn’t but just wait for the day
you drive so fast in your car
and break every speed limit
to catch me before I
fall.

I don’t know where I will be working
and how much I’ll be getting paid
I don’t know what your next step will be
in terms of getting your
degree.
I don’t know if we’ll have to break the ties
and a break will be needed so we can
focus.

These are just nerves and thoughts.
We dealt with our own trauma and stress,
and became honest people.
I’m a survivor, and you’re a strengthener.
I get scared, and you get serious.
I cry, and so do you.
I’ve fought before, and you fought hard.
I became this, and you became that.
I’m a woman, and you’re a man.
I’m worried, and you’re relaxed.
I’m always anxious, and you’re always positive.

We helped each other grow, and we
stroke each others foreheads with our fingers
as we discuss what went wrong before in our
lives before we became this beautiful
couple.
Who knows where the future will
take us when we have to search for
different things.
We are two,
but different people.
We learned from each other how
to love,
but we’re not perfect,
and I like it that way.
We’re only human.

I was pushing down walls,
and pulling shattered glass off
my car.
I drove down a dark road with
no color in the air.
All trees were bare with no leaves
and all bushes were black and dead.
I was so scared there would be no hope
and then I saw you sitting next to me.
There was a bench I had been on to sit
two days before and you joined me.
I didn’t know you,
and I didn’t know you liked me
until you asked,
I froze,
I went back and forth from yes,
to no,
to yes,
to the date,
then I fell in love with you.
You promised,
then changed your mind.
I persisted,
I gave too much,
I got kicked out of your
circle.
Mine will always be open if you
ever decide to come back.
I’m not waiting,
I am just not mad at you.
I never was after I met you.
You were the beautiful thing
that happened when everything and everyone
else turned into something ugly.
Never my love,
but you were
my almost.
Though you are gone along with
them,
I’ll call you my almost,
and I’ll never forget how nervous
you made me.
All those nerves were worth the
lessons.

I believe,
to this day,
that everyone walking
by me
in the galleria,
the lakeside,
or the parking
lot
is just
as
confused
as
me.

I trust,
to believe,
that so many of us
are fully exhausted
because
we are trying
to get what
we
want.

Whether the light
burned out in the
spotlight for a show,
or rain is
pouring down
on the new field
on opening day,
at least
we are
here
this is
better
than
gone.

I know,
that some,
even me,
don’t quite know
what we
want.
I think,
we think,
we don’t deserve
our dream.

What if,
that dream,
tells us something
we never question?

The question we
are subliminally
asked spreads
among us
in our heart,
“why are you
doubting
yourself?”

So what,
if you forget
the words to
that song you wrote.
Who cares,
if you strike out your
first time at bat?
Why so bad,
if not crowned
at the beauty pageant?
It’s ok,
if our confidence
seems to overbear
our
skill.
How else do we learn?

How about,
taking the hard
work
and comparing it
to the dream in your
head?
Someday,
they will look the same
and you will smile
the way you do
when you dream.

I will never again be in a mental prison.
Happiness is hard to show but a little speck
is reserved in me.
I never knew I was more than the little troublemaker.
I would scream, pout, cry, and run around aimlessly.
They would point, laugh, and say backstabbing things about me.
I thought at such a young age that I was trapped in a cell where
I could never see the rest of the world I was highly unwelcome.
Without the world or anything to lay eyes on I would never change.
My loved one's bailed me out.
I got the hang of not walking solo.
Down the road we traveled, so empty but so many things to see.
Pushing through every hard day at school,
learning from every awkward interaction,
and later coming back to town like a Wrecking Ball.
I am not the one destroying or destroyed.
I prove and they read my word and my commanding presence.
There are many places I belong,
I am now free.

I run on the other side of the street.
I cover my chest with my one bare hand and
the other holding a purse.
It is snatchable,
and so am I.
They tell  me
“It’s because you’re a girl.”

And when I arrive,
all eyes are on me.
They say to just
stay in the corner and
leave the boys alone.
“Why?” I ask.
They look at each other and
take a breath.
They reply,
“You don’t want to get hurt. Let them have
space.”
“What is the reason?” I demand.
“It’s because you’re a girl.”

As the party goes on,
hard drinks are the source of
emotion and heart-attack fear.
I am asked to dance.
I can barely smell him I only see
a prince in him.
The dance we do
is ****** and I am
exposed by my
*******.
As I push him and the music stops,
I wrap my scarf around
and though embarrassed and
flawed,
“It’s because, you’re a girl.”
Is what the host says.

Shame on me for going alone.
Shame on the boy for his boarish
behavior and grabbing my
*******.
He only makes his own kind look
bad.
Shame on the adults for not teaching
self control instead
shaming us girls for our
****** embracement!

I am not candy and
never was.
You do not have power
and never will.
At one point you did,
but those days are gone.
Will there ever be a day a woman
can survive going to a party alone?

Forget genitalia,
remember the respect we
are taught so young.
Though when we are young,
there is segregation.
I remember being eight,
I needed friends and I needed
a buddy.

I saw a boy who looked like he
wouldn’t hurt me.
I did nothing and he said
he hated me.
I asked “why” with tears in my eyes.
Confidently he replied,
“It’s because you’re a girl.”
And I spent the next half hour
in the time out chair.
This is what happens when we humans
confuse attitude for
sexism
I take no blame.
And don’t you either.

This is where I am,
This is the floor I walk on.
Whether shoes are on me or barefoot,
I **** it up and keep myself in here.
I walk where there are little birds
Flying by me.
Ignored I am
Alone I don’t always care that I am
And limited to how I live.
Luxury is never overrated until
You are removed from where you want to be.
Never even held my own key.
Someone who hasn’t learned in life as much as me
Will be sitting on a throne with a view outside.
I see nothing and no hope when I get to where I am.
This is who I am,
This is the person I became.
I started the jeep and put my problems in the passenger seat
While I drive myself to freedom.
I will never mind the traffic in the city with starry skies and beaming
Lights.
Beautiful colors of orange, red, green, white, and purple, couldn’t ask for anything more,
And the moon in the sky is to heal our trauma that has ever happened
On the worst night of our life.
There is always something out there to see,
Oh wait, I was talking about me.
I have a heart and it doesn’t necessarily reside at my home.
Home is where someone’s heart is but definitely not for me.
If there weren’t an outside world where I pick to wander,
How would my heart ever grow?
I learn to accept and to be strong.
Those who can’t accept my differences or me help my strength
Believe it
Or
Not.
I wear a big smile,
I say my hello and goodbye.
I walk alone with my shadow that shows how beautiful I look.
I get home,
I already have my heart with me.
I’ll need it,
For the next
Argument.

Expect to see me as I
pass by on the block.
Know I am ok when I
am alone at a table.
Spend no time waiting for me
in a chair facing away from the
desk,
I am never coming back.
Change not a thing and be
nobody new.

It’s just too little too late
very soon and frantically
grasping.
It took such little time
to be distant and receive
a smile,
hello,
how are you?,
how have you been?
Friendliness had to wait
and come once I was
gone.

But truthfully,
I’m still here,
and I see you there.
I walk this same block
for the same reason
you do.
It is the fastest way
home for both of us,
though my home is
occupied by just
me.
Come over anytime
when you are not busy
together.

Right Now,
it is not you I miss,
it is not our love that I want back,
It is the words and anger I bombarded
that I want to take back,
and the moment before I tore you apart,
I miss it so I can;
put down my phone and think to myself.
Sum up my feelings, take a breath, and count to ten.
Write with a pen and paper, and conclude this is
not working out.
It ran its course, and courses remain on their ground but
different runners come and run their trail every day.
I will run, I won’t lay in bed, but I will never disclose
so much anger again.
Even if you did not reciprocate the way I wanted,
I was wrong to be so cruel to you.
Even though I was terrified of saying we weren’t working out,
one of us had to do it. And it was you.
We can’t help how we feel, and we can’t fight how we feel either.
Since we are done, and you are no longer mine,
the only fight I am fighting is for myself to be healthy again
so I can run courses on my own and feel the wind in my face,
see kind people on the street who wave to me,
and I will know I will run another course with someone who
can fulfill what I need and I know this won’t be a long distance
relationship.
Ours ran its course, but our lives are our own now.
Live yours, I’ll live mine.
Step step step,
turn turn turn,
look out for that branch on the concrete,
and be sure to give
a real
mile.