I knew everything when I was seventeen.
Every answer I would think of and every
topic I made up when it was something I never
heard of in my life.
My life,
I thought,
was on everyone else’s mind.
I told what I had suffered and been through
up to that point.

I’m twenty, and I now realize I can’t predict
the future.
I thought I went through enough when I was seventeen
and turns out at that age I was still dealing with
enough baggage.
My life,
is something,
I am told to not talk about,
nor your problems,
or yourself.

Everyone matters,
so acknowledge it.
We may never sit in this circle
again.
As we disperse,
move on with the memory of the
laughter and topic.
Learn from what
you don’t know.

To the parent who doesn’t know how to
put together a child’s birthday party.
For the teenage boy who lies and says he doesn’t
cry.
This is for the girl who learns the hard way
to not play dumb.
To the middle school teacher who’s heart is pounding before
their next class.
For the control freak who has absolutely nothing better to do.

Get a life,
but get the thought that you are
the top of everything out of your head.
Grow, learn, and
question.

The night you left me, you said that
looking at me was the hardest thing to be doing.
I cried so much, tears fell from my eyes watching you for the last time.
I didn't care that you and my mother saw.
I stood outside and watched you drive away.
After,
I felt I could breathe again.
Time went on and we decided to stay as friends.
More and more I lost my comfort.
I am now officially letting us go.
You changed and I am under my breath praying
you don't see me.
I don't want to talk right now.
Leave me alone.
Looking at you is the scariest thing to do right now.
You have removed all your man features.
You look and act like a boy.
Now thanks to me,
we are officially over.
I've never been happier, and my lungs within reach of my heart
have never felt better
I am now breathing everyday
without
a problem.

I will never waste opportunity for love on you,
you became so phased you just couldn’t see through.
Like suede leather I was still too thick to tear.
You would never see me naked, I feel you don’t care.
I felt the need to cover myself and hide what’s inside.
Every successful award I keep to myself, I honestly lied.

You’re a man who would never undress your secrets and reveal a
shameful tale to me.
Get dressed, get out, this is not meant to be.
I’m not sad just scared
that someone I know is
gone telling others I’m weird
and does not care.

I thought the world of you I spent a fortune on a dress,
you never saw it on me, and your leaving made me a mess.
I was unappreciated and I gave everything to look and impress.
Love is not only arousing and laying side by side,
love is emotion and understanding what we lost and how hard we tried.
If I am a freak, ok, I understand what you mean.
One must not be phased or enraged when working with a team.

Effort is key, honesty is the open door.
We forgive what we do when we are friends
and try to become more.
Now I want neither I’m not desperate like I was before.
I will never date a man who is nothing but a tearful bore.
Tiresome and overbearing, next opportunity you give me to love you
I will ignore.
I should have done that before.
What was I even fighting for?
What did you have in store?

When someone scolds,
disagrees with my processing speed,
or loses it with me,
I do not fight back with
equal aggression or my
hands turned into fists.
I keep silent,
I have the right to remain that way,
in life,
we do what we desire to do,
what we need to do,
what we love to do,
but most of all,
we do what we are supposed to do.
If we are supposed to bring
respect and happiness to this world,
how in the name of God
do we to do it by looking down at
one another with the most
insincere expression and
raised eyebrows?
Lower your
brows,
lighten your
eyes,
look at someone unlike you
as one who can teach you something new
and not one who gave you the chance
to beat someone and eat
your dust.
Dust is nothing I ever crave
when I feel the need to gain power.
I do what I am supposed to do.
I take a deep breath,
I remain calm and patient,
and though it may be a task yet a chore to
look again at one who condescends or is
rude to me,
I look straight ahead to them.
To all of those who cannot handle
being around a person on the spectrum,
it is that simple to just look straight ahead in someone’s
eyes.
If you have been looking down,
condescending, and
speaking to people who are unlike
you with authority,
You have been doing it wrong
your whole life.
Learn something
from us.
Amen.

Look at that girl,
she has the body any other girl who struggles
would see and search for a pistol.
See her walking,
she walks on her toes with
headphones in her ears and
skips along the road alone
with her long  brown hair
flowing along her back.
Notice her
sharp move as she
sits on a sofa with music in her
ears,
she gets up confidently and competitively
to talk to
the boys.
If only if only
out of all the boys she could
say hi to and introduce herself,
That one,
remembered who she was and couldn’t
forget and therefore, she
couldn’t resist.
That one,
who offered to put his arm around her
one night watching television,
and Boom,
there was love.
That one,
who she said hi to,
is the reason she is more than a
person from the past but in her life,
she is the one who
survived.
She had not known what this boy was doing,
all abusers are full of excuses.
She did not give up.
She is a full time student,
has a wonderful family,
great friends,
a true new boyfriend,
and for that boy who abused her for her body,
the body may have changed in not so good ways
but she has changed for the better,
and is happier and better informed
than you will ever
think she can
be.
Just remember,
no means no.
*** is a happy thing,
not something we do for ourselves.

Rage is a cage that surrounds us with silence and limits our outbursts as we
Age.
We grow and stage our feelings in order to all be on the same page.
The knife I don't carry with me and the stabbing in the paper today,
Is this nothing but a favor that I don't get my way?
Rage is a cage where secrets are held and lives are lived.
When chairs are thrown in the air and glass shatters all over the floor with knives chucked but purposely missed.
My child, my love,
That is the best honesty I can give.
Don't keep an eye out, let them be.
And for goodness sake stop yelling at me!
I'll be me, you be you.
Let's take the point of view not as a
*******.
Thank you.

As we gathered at the wooden table with grilled fish and cokes at your beautiful summer home,
you had the perfect opportunity to take the crazy things I would say and use them as your last chance to make your mom proud by doing the right thing.
When we would lay our towels down on the grains of sand where we would always park,
you were so afraid I would ask to join you and your friends in a game of football.
That was your great chance to show them how cool you were by yelling no at me and using your hand to motion me to stay at my towel when I did ask.
We returned from seeing you and how angry I was that I had nothing to the point of your smarts, independence, and humor.
During the off season I would go to school and play games of softball.
I didn't get the grades you had and I didn't swing the bat as beautifully as you.
Though there was one thing I always did that you see now.
I let myself learn.
I never stooped to be you but I learned how to interact and watch what I say.
I learned you never were close to me and it is ok to be alone.
I learned to not overdress so much to prove I had it all.
I learned that you had your talents and people, and I had my problems and meltdowns and then I learned to take the chance and improve.
You changed slightly, I changed magnificently.
You called other girls pretty right in my view now my prettiness completely overwhelms your view.
Ha, but that is not all.
I used to make you cringe you would be bossy, now I make you laugh so hard at my jokes you're red and bent over.
So, we grew, and time change dramatically.
You saw me then, I saw you were sneaking some brownie points.
See me now, and I see you are so proud of me.
I'm happy you're happy, but all I really want as I did before from you,
is to be treated the same as anyone else you care for.
You don't have to be so proud of me.
I'm fine now.

Hands have too many privileges,
two too many with
five fingers to physically feel.
When the smaller head thinks it needs to be
bathed clothed and fed,
men’s hands will grab the sexiest *****
within their first opportunity.
I was walking with my man,
years ago I was nineteen in college.
We were in a public galleria,
he let go of my hand we were holding hands
side by side.
Before I knew it,
he did it again.
He stood in front of me,
had the most aggressive expression,
and with his hands he squeezed my *******
about ten times and said,
“******* ******* ******* ******* *******!”
I was startled and shocked out of my mind.
We were in public!
Did he not care about who was around us?
How could he disrespect my body?
How could he be so cruel and greedy?
Careless and childish?
Those ***** were mine and still are!
They are nobody else’s!
Today,
I am 23.
I let my eyes naturally look, stare,
and I don’t always know if I blush or smile.
Nobody is allowed to love me
in a romantic way.
Nobody is ever to by “my” man.
I support any man who is attracted to me or interested,
but he cannot have me.
I am naïve, adorable, and apparently beautiful.
Is it my eyes they will see that make me stand as
confident, sharp, and as if I am aware I own myself?
Or are my ***** so big, beautiful, and *****,
that is all anyone has and will ever want from me?
It is my body.
Nobody is allowed to love me.
No,
I will not have dinner with you.
No,
I will not go to the movies with you.
No,
I will not walk in the park with you.
No,
I will not fornicate with you.
I prefer my loneliness as well as my social life.
I don’t need a man ever again.
Nobody is allowed to love me or
feel my body.
Too bad whenever I hug someone
my ******* are in the way.
I love them dear,
I will never love a man ever again.
Who knows what he is really thinking.
Is it his brain?
Or the other
head.
A girl will never know the truth behind a man’s intentions
until she all of a sudden feels a hand
on her body
in the wrong
place.

The frustration slides through your veins.
It pulls itself up through your throat,
rolls into your mouth.
All that you can do is yell it out.
I understand but cannot comprehend.
It's a human voice.
Can be raised, and does not break glass.
Only breaks my heart
when they yell at me or
around me.

You are the ones who taught me to
open
my eyes.
Look around you and notice the person at
the table not smiling,
the person talking too much,
the one who can’t get a word in,
and the one who got the wrong word out.
Like every family,
there is a dysfunctional twist that
tornadoes us away.
After the spin we come back together like
the birds in their trees or
the bees in their honey.
We may not taste as sweet at every
gathering,
but we are connected by
something stronger than
the blinding sun.
When I was blind,
and had no hand to grab
nor anyone to put a coin in
my cup.
it was one of you,
I can’t remember who,
but one of you touched me
and guided me to see something
real.
Here we are,
I can see,
I can sense,
and I can
think
of the
times we
laughed,
we shared,
we were there
together.
I see people side by side,
and I see no
tension that can’t be
acknowledged like the
coin in my cup.
Thank you,
stranger that you no longer are.

Every morning I pay the price
I wake up and the dream I had of you and me
reminds me that you are living the perfect life
since you left me and walked away.
You held my hands and your touch made me feel
something shoot down from my heart to my toes.
Since you said you respected my decision I
couldn't let you go.

Every afternoon I am somewhere you're not.
This is a sign from God that
we are not a we.
These new girls in your life know I am nuts.
I walk by you laughing with them.
The pavement underneath my feet is as dark as my happiness;
losing you is losing color to paint my emotions.

Every night I look you up on Facebook the urge
to see your kind face in your pictures.
Your posts are liked by many of these women.
I assume you told them I was not just a date
but a waste of your precious time.
Once you said in a post you were taking a girl shooting at the range.

Everyday I remember when I said no,
it wouldn't be a good idea.
I would drop everything and breakdown.
Now the last thing you want is for me to fall into your arms.

Every evening when it's a weekend,
I know you're with another her.
I may be wrong, but chances are I'm right.
When you're with her,
take it with you.
Take the gun you were going to use when you
offered to take me to go
shooting.
My shoes are filled and so is your
heart.

I can be just doing the best I can.
Even if I come off as
Insane.
My lips may not move and my eyes may wander
for the sake of just thinking.
Even if I come off as
Bashful.

My words may stay on paper and the paper may fold.
Even if I am considered
Anonymous.
I will choose to unfold the paper whenever I feel it's right and tape it
to the brick wall holding the bridge.
Even if I come off as
Meaningless.

My word will be out there before I climb up to the bridge and have a moment in the air with the sky, moon, and breeze.
Even if I'm thought of as wrong to do or say so.
My worst of them all moments will be in the past.
Even if the best of all people I know remember them.
When it's in the past,
it's meaningless.

Release all your pain,
I just want to see you.
I want to gaze in your eyes
and ask all the
“How are you’s”.
What have you achieved
since you escaped me?
Where have you traveled
and not taken me?
Who have you talked to
and spoke about me?
I suspect you will walk away
like you always intended.
Perhaps getting to know me
was a bad choice.
I’m not your source of pain,
it’s your not knowing what
you need in life that
bites you.
You better not blame me for
the mess we walked through.
So much in the way we
had no room to walk
together.
You brought me in and pushed
me away at the worst time
in your own life.
I saw you as bold then you proved
you can be a ****.
You’re not a ****,
you’re just trying to
be.

Don't be surprised when you go to the shop
and you see a familiar blue guitar, acoustic and
barely used.
There is a reason that guitar is
barely used.
There was a girl who had far too many dreams to come true
of being a rock star folk star pop star anything star.
She learned and practiced,
but what always told her playing and singing just
wasn't good enough.
She ******, she sounded like ****, and she would never
beat a child at the activity of playing guitar, writing songs, and
singing.
She would bring it to parties,
everyone would get up and get a drink as she
played a song.
She would write a song,
people would laugh at her.
She would sing an old tune and play the chords,
people would criticize her.
She got the bravery to play on the grass ground on
her campus but people walking by and drifting away was
a sing of rejection.
She fought hard to still play and not be an expert,
but she lost every ******* battle and war.
There were very few who appreciated,
but who knows if the blue guitar, Luna, is worth keeping.
She was too much of a nervous wreck to play in front of anyone,
sometimes she did, it went well, and she was told it was beautiful.
Luna might have to go in the shop and be sold to someone who is
BETTER and EXPERIENCED and for christ's sake, GOOD AND TALENTED.
That girl, Me, has talent that is BARELY USED
because I am not good, never was, and I
JUST CANT
TAKE ANYMORE
CRITICISM!
If someone doesn't like you talent, it is not a crime.
If you play and sound like ****, it is considered a crime,
but by who?
I know there is room to grow but I just can't fit anymore
time.
I might sell my guitar,
if/when I do,
she will be shiny and blue,
in good condition,
and most of all,
barely used.
I'm just placating to anyone
who laughed, criticized, or
silently booed.
You're welcome.

People can stab me as many times as they need
right in my heart with a blade of name calling and insults related to my baggage they can see that is not in my hand being held by my choice.
Today I live and not even a blade of insulting names or bullets of jokes that tease for what I can't change does not **** me.
Nobody brings me down.
They always try to take my hand and pull me down.
I just let go.
That's all we need.