I was pushing down walls,
and pulling shattered glass off
my car.
I drove down a dark road with
no color in the air.
All trees were bare with no leaves
and all bushes were black and dead.
I was so scared there would be no hope
and then I saw you sitting next to me.
There was a bench I had been on to sit
two days before and you joined me.
I didn’t know you,
and I didn’t know you liked me
until you asked,
I froze,
I went back and forth from yes,
to no,
to yes,
to the date,
then I fell in love with you.
You promised,
then changed your mind.
I persisted,
I gave too much,
I got kicked out of your
circle.
Mine will always be open if you
ever decide to come back.
I’m not waiting,
I am just not mad at you.
I never was after I met you.
You were the beautiful thing
that happened when everything and everyone
else turned into something ugly.
Never my love,
but you were
my almost.
Though you are gone along with
them,
I’ll call you my almost,
and I’ll never forget how nervous
you made me.
All those nerves were worth the
lessons.

Whenever I look out the window and see the sky on the verge
of a snowstorm,
I look back to the evening I was headed out and I slowed down my walking
because you messaged me.
The time I saw you after that conversation was the day you broke my heart.
Somehow, a year and a half from now I think of you and hope for another chance.
It is all because I was a nobody at the time and being in love with you would make me a somebody.
I shared too much, I over explained, and I slammed a door in your face.
I apologized, I tried to make up, but I only made it
worse.
I know you don’t want me as anything and I understand,
though I learned that
nobody can make me a somebody.
I will do that on my own,
and I think I did a better job than you
would have done.

Rage is a cage that surrounds us with silence and limits our outbursts as we
Age.
We grow and stage our feelings in order to all be on the same page.
The knife I don't carry with me and the stabbing in the paper today,
Is this nothing but a favor that I don't get my way?
Rage is a cage where secrets are held and lives are lived.
When chairs are thrown in the air and glass shatters all over the floor with knives chucked but purposely missed.
My child, my love,
That is the best honesty I can give.
Don't keep an eye out, let them be.
And for goodness sake stop yelling at me!
I'll be me, you be you.
Let's take the point of view not as a
*******.
Thank you.

Doubted and teased,
all together we had
that time to learn.
That time turned into
war over being the teacher.
The one who knows everything
becomes mistakenly fawned over.
The one who had to hear her name
shouted from feet of distance
had the world blow up in her face.
I had that happen,
I said I was done along with something else,
and I got up.
I left and bursted to tears then later fell asleep.
I woke up,
I felt no sorrow.
I knew what I felt and they did too,
they ignored and kept playing their game.
Some outbursts are the most needed in a situation.
You never know
until you doubt and face
the consequences.

This maze and cluster is a
gift and a curse
to be privileged to work
and walk amongst.
Forget being alone.
Everyone knows and everyone
see’s the transparence within
the eyes blinking and pace of a walk.
I walk alone fast and furious
to avoid speaking to
anyone who has the mind
of a Queen.
I find a spot sit and rest in fetal
position.
I get walked by and noticed
every time.
No place is mine here in this
maze called school.
So just leave me alone.
You don’t need to know right away what I have.
I will go home and I’m going to stay here.
I will reach the end of the Maze someday.
The finish line may get broken before I
cross but I’ll be one to complete
this challenge.
Learn from the ones who laugh at the
behavior and strike the ones who
don’t accept.
Maybe they are lost in the maze too.
I have a life,
so I walk this maze,
and say hi as I go.
I never hide,
I show as much as I want to.
The maze is not mine, but my pace is.
Even if I walk with a gift and
a curse deep inside,
I think well of the people who see
no curse and walk with me in the maze.
We finish,
together.
This is why
I don’t
hide.

Every single time I am
screamed at and gotten
rid,
I am enraged and I don't
even know what I
Did.
(What do you want from me?)

I knew everything when I was seventeen.
Every answer I would think of and every
topic I made up when it was something I never
heard of in my life.
My life,
I thought,
was on everyone else’s mind.
I told what I had suffered and been through
up to that point.

I’m twenty, and I now realize I can’t predict
the future.
I thought I went through enough when I was seventeen
and turns out at that age I was still dealing with
enough baggage.
My life,
is something,
I am told to not talk about,
nor your problems,
or yourself.

Everyone matters,
so acknowledge it.
We may never sit in this circle
again.
As we disperse,
move on with the memory of the
laughter and topic.
Learn from what
you don’t know.

To the parent who doesn’t know how to
put together a child’s birthday party.
For the teenage boy who lies and says he doesn’t
cry.
This is for the girl who learns the hard way
to not play dumb.
To the middle school teacher who’s heart is pounding before
their next class.
For the control freak who has absolutely nothing better to do.

Get a life,
but get the thought that you are
the top of everything out of your head.
Grow, learn, and
question.

Returning to the village sounded like a nightmare
at first.
I’d be ignored and hate the few streets I was
permitted to roam.
I returned to the village and forgot what I
feared.
I received thousands of hello and everyone
came back to me all at once.
Sometimes when we are apart
we philosophize and teach ourselves to become
angry at the hard times.
Hard times come and go, and friends take
time to be family.
Respect is there and hate is nowhere.
I’ve never been this happy.

Sometimes you make me
feel the urge and desire to play hookie
and ask any random dangerous man
to light it for me.
There have been days
I have blown off my girlfriends
and gave that time to be alone with you
in a bathroom stall.
You have been one to wreck my decisions.
You are a part of me,
you should love me so I don’t
decide to get on the back of a motorcycle
with someone I never met.
Who knows where I will go?
I pay for every time you
told me to put the fork down and
you wouldn’t let me eat.
I thought I had you and would
never let go of you.
I saw a young girl who looked
like I did before I dedicated
my thinking to you.
She had a teddy bear in her hands
and looked at me scared.
It was you who told me to blob my eyes
with liner and keep my hair in my face
so nobody would see my black eye.
That girl reminded me that I did fine without you.
I am glad I stopped thinking of you
and dealt rather than keeping you.
I don’t love you,
Bipolar Depression.
I never let anything or anyone I have
dictate my life.
Your phases come and go,
and when they do,
it breaks up my health, my dignity,
and my relationships.
Friends come first,
so I deal with you.
I live a better life once I am
done with you.

Many parties and dinner gatherings ended
hours before we wanted everyone
to pack up and go home.
Though surrounded by friends
I’d been taken by the hand and
drawn to the other direction
to leave the teenagers alone
though I was thirteen.

Many trips to the beach became
destinations for my tantrums.
There was never a way my
method of finding comfort would
fulfill what they wanted.

These are still labeled bad memories
and hard situations I had to deal with.
Vacation was something I never looked
forward to nor did I want to be seen
the way I was compared to all
of them.

Now,
when we gather on the Vineyard
at whoever’s house for dinner,
they are okay about it.
It, meaning me,
at the house.

We never sat together
all ten of us young adults til the recent year.
It is nice to be at the table and see how we
went down different paths but managed
to cross now we have grown.

Though years ago when we were meeting
together on vacation,
I dreaded the day and seeing all of you.
You may have stabbed me in the heart by
helping me with sailboats and social skills, so
you won’t see me on a boat and you don’t
have to make up for it and bring me into
the group.
Because you did not **** me.
I like going to the island to see you.
I meant it this time.

Can you whistle into the glass seltzer
bottle in your hand so I can at least
hear something that is not human
voice?
As voices grow louder and are stripped
of melody and harmony,
all we hear is
lash of the
tiger.
Sound of roar and just can’t
seem to find the right words.
Maybe a spoon being tapped to a jar
would be a good start,
and we could take a bag of noodles
and shake it a little.
Just by creating sound of what we are given
in a peaceful way so we don’t hear
anger within a voice.
I cannot hear one yell without needing
to scream out frustration.
If you ever see me on the rooftops,
my guitar will do the shouting for me.
We need music in our lives.
Let it overtake the pain in your head
as it travels in your veins.
Learn from it,
and never scream
around me
again.

I don’t normally do this,
but tonight I lived the dream I
followed since age thirteen.
We laughed together, played videogames,
and I didn’t even care the room was tiny as
a cube.
Though I sat in silence I was seeing the moment
and ****** of who I will write checks with
and the people who will never be phased by
anything in my head.
Tonight I was happy I put down the knife or scissors
every time I decided to take it myself.
Tonight I thanked my mother who would lay beside me at night
and hear my every cry about being mimicked and mocked.
Tonight I thought of my dad who took time to buy tickets and
put up with my intense cheering as the Bruins won the game.
I thanked my brother tonight for spending time with me and blasting
hip hop in the car when nobody else would for either of us.
Though tonight,
I let my family do their own thing.
I kept them in mind and remembered every lesson they learned then passed
onto me about how to have a problem but to put it on the back burner
while with others and to fulfill their comfort.
I went out tonight.
These are people whom I want to walk this world and praise the lord
they are here and living the way they do.
Because tonight I shared moments of life with them.
I’m the luckiest woman on earth,
Thanks for the fun we had tonight, my beloved friends.
We’ll do this again, I don’t think it,
I know it.

As we gathered at the wooden table with grilled fish and cokes at your beautiful summer home,
you had the perfect opportunity to take the crazy things I would say and use them as your last chance to make your mom proud by doing the right thing.
When we would lay our towels down on the grains of sand where we would always park,
you were so afraid I would ask to join you and your friends in a game of football.
That was your great chance to show them how cool you were by yelling no at me and using your hand to motion me to stay at my towel when I did ask.
We returned from seeing you and how angry I was that I had nothing to the point of your smarts, independence, and humor.
During the off season I would go to school and play games of softball.
I didn't get the grades you had and I didn't swing the bat as beautifully as you.
Though there was one thing I always did that you see now.
I let myself learn.
I never stooped to be you but I learned how to interact and watch what I say.
I learned you never were close to me and it is ok to be alone.
I learned to not overdress so much to prove I had it all.
I learned that you had your talents and people, and I had my problems and meltdowns and then I learned to take the chance and improve.
You changed slightly, I changed magnificently.
You called other girls pretty right in my view now my prettiness completely overwhelms your view.
Ha, but that is not all.
I used to make you cringe you would be bossy, now I make you laugh so hard at my jokes you're red and bent over.
So, we grew, and time change dramatically.
You saw me then, I saw you were sneaking some brownie points.
See me now, and I see you are so proud of me.
I'm happy you're happy, but all I really want as I did before from you,
is to be treated the same as anyone else you care for.
You don't have to be so proud of me.
I'm fine now.

I let you in my room and didn't ask to lay in my bed,
I let you walk with me to the cafe and treat us to a drink,
I let you hold and play some notes on my guitar,
I even let you change your mind and then rethink.
You have vanished from my life
I was clear that I didn't want you to
be gone.
Ever since I sent those letters,
I expected to hear, "never mind, I love you"
but instead I heard,
"so long".
You are harder than ever to replace,
I will breakdown and plead if I ever again see your handsome prince-like face,
I have to put new strings on my guitar they are oh so old.
But I know if I keep the string you played and made a sound,
it is too late because your soul is already again replaced and
sold.
There is someone new in your life I can just tell,
I'm pushing my mind to be happy and not think of losing you as
hell.
There were stories I never repeat but to you I had a show and tell,
well this is great, I'm living with something, and you are in a bed of roses
ever since you gave me your
farewell.
I'll never forget,
I only regret,
not learning before
loving.
So long, farewell, I miss your laughing,
to me you're a great model but to you I'm
worth slapping.
You wanted me for my face,
now I'm glad she took my place.
So, yeah,
bye.

Amazing how the things I became accustomed to how I don't want to.....
Whether it was looking at that picture of him in the frame or the local bake shop where everyone behind the counter knew my name,
I stop and stare at myself then say,
Stop going insane!
I gained weight and he lost interest.
Living in the present moment was never easy,
though I always knew that no river would form the same circles as I aggressively threw pebbles to make wishes,
and shooting stars are first come first serve.
I serve myself the hard work to get to where my destiny is.
I beat karma to it and let my eyes wander at the right time.
There are times it will be about someone else buy those situations define our time and effort not worth.
I'm going to forget trying to become the queen bee and just join the others from every hive and help make the world go round.
If I ever want to make a difference,
I'll be the reason for oppurtunities for others to make differences too.
We all want something for ourselves so this is why we learn to share because we never get over how many others have something in common with us.
There is only one world as we don't like to know.

In order to get by,
Sometimes we just
have to
Live a lie.
The truth is revealed at
a certain time.
It is when you say to me,
"Be no longer mine".
I do look forward but
I'm scared too.
Have no worries because now
I'll have reasons to get away
from you.

Be yourself and have patience to find who wants it too.
Don't struggle to be what somebody else wants in you.
If they shall love they shall allow you to have a good life.
Even if it means
they play no part.
This is why I am alone
all the
time and I'm happy
to be that
way.

If you could read my mind,
you'd want to hold it close to
your heart.
Your clutch would keep it warm
and you would forget the universe as your
tears would be clear enough for you
to look back into my eyes.
See me standing there not upset at all for what I do.
Perhaps I don't know how to express my
feelings of the many of us together.
Whether I'm sad when I am ignored by you for my ideas,
Or happy that you can understand me,
something in me gets released and thrown
into a swarm of dragon flies just trying to
make peace by being there but only create
chaos in Hell's point of view.

If you could read my mind,
I dare say you would be upset with yourselves.
Only the ones with great sympathy and who
think of me will want me to exist more in
their mind.
Let's turn that into
existing
with no shame
or
consequences in the great world we fell into and here we met.

If you could read my mind,
you would not be the same for a day.
I expect you to get up in the morning,
and wear something that is not to impress but to speak from the outside.
Once you saw the pictures and words in my mind of us,
You might then
understand.

I had my fun,
I had a life,
I had places to be,
I was soon to be
a wife.

I have no fun,
I need to be needed,
I wish for a place to be,
whatever the future holds,
I'll meet it.

There will be fun,
someone will invite me,
I'll be happy in
my place,
I will grow up and
not live based off of
what saddens me.

The past is gone,
there is excitement lit
in me for what I
will shine in the
future.
I think I'm in Hell,
but really this is
Human Nature.

Perhaps I am the seasoning of your
bread on the plate.
You drizzle me on and  I make the day
better.
Once you are gone like the bread eaten
alive
I am pushed back to the corner of the
table
in my glass jar kept away from
all.
So does this mean I am just an
entertaining
portion of the meal?
All you want from me is
my beauty to walk beside
in the streets of the village?
Live the day with or without
me.
You are not a dish to be eaten
and I am not your
olive oil.
I may not run all over you but
I am not living alone in a
jar.

People can stab me as many times as they need
right in my heart with a blade of name calling and insults related to my baggage they can see that is not in my hand being held by my choice.
Today I live and not even a blade of insulting names or bullets of jokes that tease for what I can't change does not **** me.
Nobody brings me down.
They always try to take my hand and pull me down.
I just let go.
That's all we need.

Your happiness and joy is to be provided by all
when we are all down here together.
Your needs and requests are to be fulfilled by all
when we are all down here together.
You are welcome in conversation to lecture us all
and interrupt me when we are all down here
together.
You are bragged about and fawned by your mother
as she gloats about you being a
confident,
smart,
God.

I am a joke to you.
I gave up the cheerleading squad so
I could be away from those who would
pick on me.
I sacrafice an hour each week so I can
talk about what I really don't want to.
I have no friends when I am down there
but ostracized by the minute when I am
down here.
It is all
for you.

You better be happy after you see your mother
and my mother get so frightened as I open my
mouth to speak.
I'll shut mine if you shut yours.
Deal.
Just learn to enjoy me
for once.

I believe,
to this day,
that everyone walking
by me
in the galleria,
the lakeside,
or the parking
lot
is just
as
confused
as
me.

I trust,
to believe,
that so many of us
are fully exhausted
because
we are trying
to get what
we
want.

Whether the light
burned out in the
spotlight for a show,
or rain is
pouring down
on the new field
on opening day,
at least
we are
here
this is
better
than
gone.

I know,
that some,
even me,
don’t quite know
what we
want.
I think,
we think,
we don’t deserve
our dream.

What if,
that dream,
tells us something
we never question?

The question we
are subliminally
asked spreads
among us
in our heart,
“why are you
doubting
yourself?”

So what,
if you forget
the words to
that song you wrote.
Who cares,
if you strike out your
first time at bat?
Why so bad,
if not crowned
at the beauty pageant?
It’s ok,
if our confidence
seems to overbear
our
skill.
How else do we learn?

How about,
taking the hard
work
and comparing it
to the dream in your
head?
Someday,
they will look the same
and you will smile
the way you do
when you dream.