I hear nothing from any of them and fear
I have destroyed the heart
Of a someone I have.
All this time being alone
with bullets in my head
and
hammers in my heart
nailing down the truth of
what I may come to be.
Penniless and enraged  I'll
be someday.
These thoughts of fire in the
corner of the cafe where I want
To meet for coffee burns down
the building and kills one of us.
The day we first met for a cocktail
as we cheered our glasses together
and took a sip at the same time
was like a promise.
A promise that we would have fun whenever we can and take care of
each other.
Now I can't remember how to get back
to the bar nor what I usually order.
I return home and sit on my bed.
The bullets in my head just tell me
to lie down and rest.
The nails in my heart somehow manage
to make me think I'll wake up and someone
I knew for years will be beside me.
Sometimes the dreams I have of all of us
together
scream No at me
since I'm always alone at the bar.
They don't look promising.
Just living every hangover
alone.
Since I will now make a promise
to be
Sober.

Nothing can last forever,
Not even the greatest improvement
achieved and done whatsoever.
Great bodies and reputations are a phase and
happiness is for a day,
looking at others who have
what I lost
is the stir of
the fray.

Somewhere years ago
there was a fight that lead
to war then a ten second
attempt.
Somewhere months ago
there was a falling out
and secrets were deserted
then handed to others
Ears.
Someday back when I
Knew everything I learned
There would be change.
Sometimes my mouth gave
word and could not shut up
no matter how hard I tried.
Somewhere tonight,
I couldn't speak.
Didn't want you to
Know what really
Goes on in my
depressed life.
Never thought
Someday I'd be
Silent and did
Not want
To talk
About
Anything.

It's not that I can't keep you,
But I am not certain if I'll ever be
Kept By all of you.
I reach out and turn to a different boulevard
Because all I want is to be in the same home as you.
I know we're family but I feel as an in law who is
Resented by all and too oblivious to surrender.
Maybe I'm too happy to be surrounded
And that's why I laugh the loudest.
Perhaps my ways are different so you all
Take turns keeping an eye out on me.
The clock turns to night and
People get in their pairs and walk out the door.
My eyes fill with tears as I am last to leave.
I love hearing "see you again" but I pray
To God and heaven I'll never hear
"Party's over".
If I hear that, it will be of my foolishness.
I have not, so I graciously leave the room
And walk alone to Backward Circle.
Perhaps I'm never going to walk on Forward Ave with all of you.
But I know you walk the avenue,
Together,
Without me.
If I join,
We will only end up
On the streets of
Falling out.
So you can go
Without me.

Waking up from
Chaotic dreams and restless
Bothersome Thoughts,
Out my bedroom window
There fly some little blue jays
All around the tree and feed off
Our grass.
I went to bed in anger
Then woke up to this.
Everything will be ok
In the end.
Hard changes are coming
About though the birds
Are my motivation to
Seize the day.
Perhaps a coincidence or
A sign from the lord above,
We know everything
Will be
Ok.

I walked without despair
perfectly fine on my own.
You came along out of nowhere
and joined me.
I let you in and there we became
the best of friends.
I learned so much about you
though your methods seemed
very frightening.
The knives you kept for
your sacred punishment,
the boys you slept with
that you found on the streets,
and the crying and whining
because he didn’t love you anymore.
How did I ever become your
miracle worker?
I walk out on you and suddenly
everyone
we knew
was infuriated with
me.
My moving on and saying I was done
taking care of you and your needs
turned me into a
monster.
What you needed but was not there
was later granted to you
as your wish.
You hoped that I would come back
and apologize and never
give you the business again.
Washing their brains thinking
you were this sweet girl who
knew how the world worked.
I’m sorry,
you did not.
That is all I feel bad for you.
Used me and manipulated,
I was depressed and in rage for you.
Looking back now that I am done
and you have not at all changed.
You needed me to be the one to
hold you and guide you.
In the end, you got it all through me.
Perhaps I was no friend but
your own personal
shooting star.
Granting every wish on your
demand.

Some won't live a lie,
then they won't say what
makes them not willing
To learn.
Living in a glass house
and throwing stones
hippocracy is the way
For some to let go and
Never be pushed around
Again.
Why would you
Look at one the way
The one looked at you?
Speak down to one
Just so they can see the
Superhero in your eyes.
You love to hear yourself talk
you smirk while you listen.
You're not listening at all.
So the controlling one,
You prove your frustration
And desperate need.
The more you force,
The less you're respected
And loved.
How will you ever learn
What is important in
Life?

Glimpse of the moon

Need a little reassurance
and maybe just one more guitar
chord to learn and know.
Blowing out the candles
Every year making a wish yet
Asking,
Is this how it's going to be?
Life is filled with different beginnings
as every birthday is filled with different
drinks poured into red solo cups,
then bottles,
then diamond champagne glasses.
What will be different when I wake up
to a new style in life?
Will I or my guitar be in good condition?
Still I walk outside in the dark listening
to music soothing into my veins.
In the gray night sky
a glimpse of the moon is plenty for me
to look down at my strides,
and see my shadow.
Darkened image of my body that
may have changed as well as me,
so the shadow says to me and the world,
I'm here and living for now on,
and there are new songs to write and play.
Change is brutal in the beginning,
but needed in the end.
Amen

I thought it happened
I don’t remember how many
years ago.
It plays like an old record
and then I’m in rage
throwing rocks at
the oven and tearing books
in half.
I now remember when it was,
it was a memory of
my high school days when
I failed and almost didn’t
graduate.
Verges and fears,
memories and mediation,
morality and reality,
****
it all.
Remembering how the door
was slammed in my face
because someone didn’t
get their way.
Looking back to the locker room
where every leader standing
only to hear themselves talk.
Listen!
Hear this from me,
you won’t regret listening.
Be the great person you
want to be and
shut the hell
up about it.
Every moment is someone
elses bad memory.
You looked at me then
and saw the most insecure
little thing.
Look at me now and
see the most angry and
Idiotic person in the
world.
Trying to move past,
trying to let it all be gone,
what if it happens again?

I was told at a young age
that men hate profanity when used
by women.
It is unattractive,
and they can swear all they want because
they are guys.
I was told at a young age
to sit in the corner for saying
‘Hell’.
What the ****?
I was told at an older age
that it is offensive.
Profanity is offensive
when we are not using
it.
When we use it,
we feel better.
When we don’t use it,
we feel threatened.
Threatening is just
warning one to stop when
we know they won’t.
Walking down the street
on my way to the agora,
strangers tell strangers
to watch the language.
Profanity will either
please the crowd or
destroy a beautiful
situation.
Sorry,
I didn’t see the kids before I dropped something with
an F.
Not trying to teach them wrong
but I don’t want to learn from those
who try and threaten me.
Competing
over the role of the
wise one.
Lets just not say
anything.

Don’t be frightened,
my eyes are just red for only
a moment.
Don’t be concerned,
anyone can feel this way.
Don’t follow me,
I can handle this on my own
you better not dare take my
hand.
Don’t critique me,
I am here for the same reason.
Don’t say I’m different.
That is not how I define myself.
Close the dictionary immediately after
reading.
Drill the words in your head and let them
out fast enough
to understand
you don’t know everything.
Don’t guess,
I hold the answer.
Don’t judge,
it is all poor.
Don’t backstab me,
I already survived that abuse.
Don’t bully me,
it will not make me any less different.
Sticks and stones are not the reason
I have broken bones,
names are not the reason I am strong.
My adrenaline pours onto the concrete,
blood all around my wrists and ankles.
Your power does not provide any upbringing
in your life.
It is not names that don’t hurt me it is
Your attitude.
Keep it up,
I’m not going anywhere.
Now stop it.

I dreamed last night I was visiting a house
of people around my age in the city overlooking
the highway.
We were laughing, drinking, and running around
as if nothing wrong could happen.
I cried in the dream because I wanted to stay forever.
I woke up with a broken heart and little excitement.
I love who I am around but my habits are nothing of
the common interest.
I will propose so many great things but it is humor that is
taken.
The places I want to travel with you and the beer I want to
drink with you may be just me all alone when accomplished.
Apologies have been given and received, though
I am now with people who I am comfortable and care about.
I was before, though I can’t make them stay.
I am pretty ragged and funny while my mouth speaks of
obscenity.
You know my mind has some rough spots and I try to remain calm.
If I change what I can and own my bad behavior,
will you stay?
I’ve learned about mysterious worlds and buildings of a
character.
You guys know all the words to my favorite songs.
You know my stories of victimization and trauma how
your responses meant so much after sharing what was
hard.
We may not take place in a city at night in one house together,
though when I meet you at our designated places such as
our dinner time or meetings,
I feel at home with a family
of love.

Even if I find myself driving away
in a car all by myself breaking every law
and practically flying,
I am doing what I want right now.
I am home, I am safe, I am
loved no matter my flaws.
I pull out of the driveway and onto
the road.
This is how I party.
By myself, stopping for small bits of food,
and playing whatever song at the highest volume.
Before I was home I was in pain.
I suffered holding in every breath that meant
need.
I fought back tears as I walked where my flooding
eyes would be noticed.
I smiled and said I was good whenever the
‘how are you’ questioned bulleted in me.
I would have said,
‘homesick, not even a care that I am used to this place
away from home’.
Here at home I am forgiven no matter what I break and
loved no matter what forsaken move I make.
I’m breathing normally, and I am not worried
about who is out to hurt me.
I don’t hurt back,
I reassure my senses and nobody says I can’t
go home.
This is my real home.

A phone call is something I jump to
within excitement of being reached.
This one is serious,
and  my voice cracks as I say good bye
and hang up.
I always said It would be better
if my existence faded.
The news tells me I am important.
There are things to be dealt with and
possible consequences and changes to be faced.
Not every change is a consequence,
not all news is bad,
not all thoughts of dying are true
until you learn
it could be real.
It is hard when this is the end.
Don’t even want to think about a new
beginning.

Abracadabra,
alakazoo,
set your heart
on a dream,
Shazam!
It comes true.
Do the trick on
you own
work hard all
day and all
night.
Life is magically
going just right.

I'm thinking of how I return to the spot in the disco ball moonlight
and I'm catching my breath.
I always noticed people who are uptight
using humor as a mask.
This masquerade is filled with gowns of glitter
and tuxedos of black and white.
We dance, we chat, we drink our beloved manhattan and gin.
I'm more than excited to be at the masquerade,
Though I'm hit by past behavior of craziness and belting profanity.
I didn't mean it.
Just want everyone focused on my glitter so I now still wear a mask.
Can we still dance?
Can I have one more drink?
Can they learn to move forward?
Behavior is like a masquerade.
Dress to perfection, and don't drink too much or you'll end the night with humiliation and grief.
Play with your boa but don't chase if it doesn't catch his eye.
Don't lay a hand on her if she refuses a dance with you.
Be kind to the others at the ball.
Smile and whatever is hurting inside,
put a mask on it.
We don't need to ruin everyone's time at the wonderful masquerade.
Some may or may not
Forget.

I'll be where I belong someday.
Purple sky, red and green lights,
And the California sun rising up when I
Need the light the most.
I go through another falling out every **** year.
No primary and no old people I can go to.
Too many mutual idiots who adopt the ones I love and kick me out of the picture.
I'll take the photo
But I'm not the one who deletes it.
My heart and brain are my memory card filled with all the drama-less days of these **** cliques.
I can only make myself move on but
I cannot make you never exist again.
I get we move on but I don't know why I'm picked last.
It's either new people or other's who pretend they know and accept the real me.
It's just never how it used to be.
That's why I'm going to be in California getting away
From New Englanders who know me now.
Just let me grow first.
I suggest
You do
The same.

So there you were.
I had to get away from the kids who sat near me.
I asked to leave and they stared with ***** eyes.
I walked to the guidance office and came out holding back tears.
I limped down the hall,
And there you were.
We lied that the principle had to see me
And you
Took care
Of me.
That was so long ago.
We then fought over another someone who was a mutual friend.
She experienced worse than what I had way back.
And you choose her.
Sometimes things end on their own.
I don't fear independence I fear
This happens to everyone I
Befriend.

I'll remember how we made
Eye contact at the start of the year.
We walked toward one another and
Introduced ourselves pretending
We had no problems at all.

We met more friends through everyone else,
Found a table with plenty of seats,
And that became our routine of
Eating dinner as if every meal was
Thanksgiving.
Now there is no turkey, no mashed potatoes,
And I have no need to bring anything to the table.

I miss the beginning so much I would do anything
To bring back the happiness and laughter.
Heart to heart conversation were the norm
Now they don't want to be heard.
We learned later that
We all
Have problems of our own.

The end of the beginning is the stir of
Reality,
The beginning of the end is the stir of
Uncertainty.
I was sure you were my friends.
We'll see about
That.

I still hug the little stuffed lamb
You gave me when you weren't going
To be back for a while
Even though
I want nothing more
And no love
From
You.

I rush to sit down when I hear your call.
I see it is you and I know what I have to do.
I press the green button.
God knows what you are about to say to me.
I want to say I don’t care
But I am obligated to hear everything since you
Have chosen me to be your Doctor.
I am no such thing and never will nor
Want to be.
I have spent hours on the phone with you
Every single day even when I never had time to.
I have heard countless terrible stories and
Listened carefully
Even
If I didn’t
Want to.
I understand what you are going through
But know I am going through something too.
Soon we will find the opening to the tunnel
We walk through everyday.
Just act like I am there.
Know it will be ok.
I can assure you but cannot
Take every punch for you.
I can listen but I cannot
Sacrifice every minute of my life for you.
I can call you friend
But you cannot call me Doctor.
It is never too late to start again
But I cannot do half of it
for you.

You just can't get over that I
exist. Can you?
Do you ever get enough people
to fawn over you and your
guitar?
Can you ever get another set of
eyes to watch over your great and
bashful performance?
You look thinner than me.
I'm nothing but a fat hourglass
ticking until my mood
changes.
Do you not see how they yawn
as you talk about nothing but
yourself?
This is how you have confused love
for admiration.
When they say No to hearing your new
cover,
It's not their
jealousy at its peak.
It is you Tiresome
personality just being there.

I move on
With or
Without you.
Usually without a hand to hold
And usually with a grudge to
Be drilled in my head.
It's just not how it used to be,
I once hugged you once a day
I hear from you
Never.
Too bad.
I don't care.
I move on with a guitar in the right hand and
A satchel bag on my shoulder.
Walking a lonely road,
Won't be lonely anymore after
Moving on
From being with
You.

Blasting from its peak,
Towering over itself back in its water surface.
Light underneath electricity beckons for a sight.
The sound of the splashing.
How I just need to watch despite disobey.
Speaking from my thoughts,
Mouth moving as my mind is dying.
Memories shared are never accepted.
Just want to bring us all together as this fountain blasting in the dark with a little
Light underneath the waters height.
Is as big
As this drama.
We are farther apart
Than
The peak of the fountain
And the water to
Keep it
Stable.
What I wouldn't do
To bring us back again
And we circle hand in hand.
Lift our hearts up
If we were still
Like a fountain.
No matter how far we are,
My independence grows on its own.
I just sit and fall in love with the light that shines in the water.
I'm thinking
Of how
We used to
Be.

Remember that girl whom they would all fawn over,
Mistakes were nothing and prayers she received.
She had their back and knew every little answer to all problems so big.
She would bat her eyes and disallow tears.
She would keep her head up high and her shoulders rested.
They wondered why she walked so fast not a footprint to be left in the seeds and grass.
She had to get away.
Popularity was her biggest confusion.
Away she ran God forbid she would be alone.
She was.
She needed the time.
She was no god, nor did she wish to be idolized.
Everyone matters, she felt it in her heart.
As soon as the bad mood came and took its place, she ran, tripped, and cried on the concrete.
The crowd became paparazzi.
She didn't want to trend anymore.
Time was needed to deal but not heal what she couldn't.
They walked away.
That is all she
Ever
Wanted.

If I ever cross your mind,
make it a circle.
Think of me,
and write me down in the puzzle.
X's and O's,
I was the one you chose.
I'll apply lipstick and plant an X on your lips.
An O you can wrap your arms around my hips.
Just breathe and I will burry my head in your chest,
Feeling nothing but sugar and lemon zest.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
this is now all in my head and you left me, so
*******.

Oops,
I forgot yesterday was your birthday.
And,
We haven't talked for over a year.
Well,
you were my good friend.
But,
We are gone from each other.
So,
I didn't wish you a happy birthday.
However,
I know you had cake.
Then,
Cut yourself a slice and eat it.
Because,
the gold crumbly cake with chocolate frosting is something you need.
Therefore,
You don't need me anymore.
Furthermore,
I am not your sweet cake that you can eat up and forget about.
And now,
I am better.

Like I said on the phone with you that very upsetting night.
We both saw a dark sky but you felt a cold chill in the air.
I may have been warm but I was nowhere near pleased with myself.
I behaved as a child in front of you due to your honesty that we shouldn't go further.
You were right despite my devastated heart.
It was all you who carried a genuine heart and you were a man.
A man who listens to one he cares for and has patience.
A man who tells a person who speaks of nothing but their life and problems to stop and say something positive.
You were a man who told me I should think better of myself.
Well,
I have tried.
And from then on and today I just don't know how to respond to men like you.
I knew you were too perfect for me, and thus you are the perfect example of what a man should be.
You respect so graciously and have fun in the best ways.
I could never forget you and your attempt to bring me into your life.
Though it didn't work out for us, and it was only one date, I dare say you were the best I ever had.
I don't love you, just remember you and hope you are doing well.
You did not break my heart. It was already broken.
That should have been my own red flag.
Going back to that night on the phone, something was missing in that apology.
Before I hung up, I should have told you something important.
I never really know how to respond to men who show interest in me.
I have a lot of baggage and thus it's embarrassing.
There are not many men who have stepped up to the plate and wanted me like that.
The others are pictures to burn, but you
are remembered in my mind.
I may not have kept in touch but I keep you in memory just love thinking of your smile as you used to gaze into my eyes.
Even if your eyes are in another her and she makes you smile everyday, you deserve to be happy.
I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
That very upsetting night, we both agreed you were right.
Being in love
Was wrong.
And you pressed the red button
First.

I am defeated by publicity, these pens run out of ink for a reason.
None of my thoughts deserve to be on paper, therefore the sheets are blank and the journals remain closed and put away so even I can't find them.
I wanted this for myself and nobody quite understands.
I have begged, I have pleaded, I have fallen to my knees to show how I feel for them.
They roll their eyes and walk away every time.
Remind me, that i am just here. A person. And I don't have to matter.

The pool residing in the rear yard of my home,
gorgeous blue eye color in the polar solvent elements.
You would expect it to flood the grass and concrete around it
as adolescents jump in and came out dripping wet.
They didn't.
It didn't.
For years my clueless mind couldn't tell my senses to reach out.
All I needed was a group to trust, not just a phone with only numbers.
The pool in the rear yard had lonely circles after one person jumped in.
Me.
I would come out dripping wet and barely even flood the cement deck.
There I would sit on a patio chair and talk to myself and ignore my imaginary friends.
I had it to myself but never wanted it to be that way.
The pool was nothing but my own wasted river.

Anyone who filled my time that could have been
Empty with me sitting alone in a dark room,
You may not make me smile everyday but that moment was the best thing you did for me at that time.
The clock ticks to our oblivious senses.
We are oblivious for a reason,
The reason is to have a moment that grows into a memory.
The memory lives and dies after new moments are planted into our hearts.
Remember the moment when you stood backstage and peaked behind the curtain.
Remember the moment the curtain opened up and the audience silenced its sins to see your glory.
Remember you felt something move and suddenly you were dancing the routine.
Remember the flowers that fell to the floor below you as you stood in bowing position under a beaming spotlight.
A moment like this is the standing tree to our happy thoughts.
Take care of the tree and don't break off the good memories by tearing off the bark and branches.
A moment is sacred, a memory is special, a tree is our place of thought

As I give thought to my grudges
And my anger has authority,
I smile with an tiny smirk ,
And listen to the people around me.
After I hear words better than mine,
I nod my head,
I stand up,
Strip,
And I talk shenanigans.
This is how I hide
Who I really
Am.

Overall, I'm a tornado.
I'm a mix of anger and jokes.
Once the towns are torn apart
All my loved ones are sitting and crying.
They lost their own,
My own is what causes my crisis.
I'd rather be a stupid fool than
The angry person I was born as.

Down the overpass I walk alone there is a bridge.
Bridges are meant to hold and let go.
There is a lighted highway underneath.
It's night so no one can see me do this.
Stepping up is the hardest step.
I'm shaking all over my hands still try to hold the rings of the iron gate.

I can't live this way.
It's my head versus me against everyone's perfection.
The night is ending, I see the sun peeking in its tough sky.
Fine, I'll let go of the rings and step down.
My feet are back on the ground and behind me a strangers car approached.
He gets out and comes to ask if I'm ok.
I nod, stand on my ground,
This time I don't strip.
I say I'm going to be ok I just needed a minute to myself.

Is that all I need to do with those around me?
Are the jokes really not necessary?
Which way am I being myself?
I'll have to live in order to learn that.
And the others,
Maybe there is no perfection.

Many I know hope I will soon drop off the face of the earth.
Ive been this quirky alien from now til
Birth.
It is never easy for me to be around.
Everyone sees that I'm the awkward guest at this party and no one has lifted me off the ground.
Balloons are tied and the pizza is on the table.
I ate more than anyone else that is all I am able.
I'll leave now so I'm not in your presence.
Next party where I know I'll invite myself next
Is in heaven.
I'll be an angel you'll remember me through the heartbeat in your chest.
Now that I'm an adult, I would rather be dead than the noticeable
Awkward guest.

This melody that wraps around
My body and waist,
Flies by my head and face.
I see these notes lie on a scale
I must perform though I don't know well.
****** the music while it's being grown
That's ok, I don't need this written speech
I have my own.
I write and find nobody wants to listen
So only I will throw my words out and say they don't know what they're missing.
I see beauty in my own written stone,
Since nobody else agrees they can leave it alone.
The critics forget the heart that beats the emotional harmony.
This melody will be in reachable view but it will be written by me.
Whether a song or sonnet,
Hear this I will let.
Admire my point and find it in a form of art, no colors or canvases, this melody came from my
Heart.