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16h · 31
Understand
Lostling 16h
There are so many things I don’t really understand
Like who I am, traumas hidden,
The doors I slammed, feelings condemned
Asking when I’ll be normal again
While feeling like I’m not enough
Thoughts won’t shut up and f me up
I’ve had enough.
Sorry for the trauma dump
Inspired by Coffee - BoyWithUke but I think I lost the tempo
1d · 28
28/4/2025
Some days I find myself reading through past messages, trying to remember how I felt back then.
A part of me thinks that maybe, just maybe, if I’d reached out for help instead of gently closing every door, I wouldn’t be like this;
Chewing on paper clips for the taste of blood on my tongue instead of my fingers so my parents would stop complaining about the bite marks on my hands.
I think I’m just glad they never look beyond the jackets I wear 24/7 or the number of cat scratches I got recently or the ghost that paces around our house on sleepless nights.

...

.  .  .
Sighhhhhhhhh....
1d · 513
Streak Broken
It's funny how
It's easier to open my skin
Then to open my mouth
And ask for help
=/
#sh
7d · 67
Just leave
It's not that I want you gone
I appreciate you
I really do
But it's hard to believe you're sincere
When you're also scrolling through shorts at the same time
Got yelled at by seniors awhile ago. I couldn't keep myself together and ended up breaking down (again)
A friend comforted me, hugged me, told me it wasnt my fault. But she was on her phone the whole time.
7d · 57
Liar
The girl in the mirror
Is a liar
Even with the people she trusts
She lies
Even in the place she’s most bare
She lies
Even when its just us
She lies

And I’m too tired to figure out the truth
Or put anything I feel into words
7d · 47
Drafts II
There’s an incomplete poem
Sitting in my drafts
Titled “Maybe It’s not So Bad”
Last edited: 7 April.

I don’t think I’ll be finishing it any time soon
Or maybe never
Water listens, acknowledging the pain
It washes and cleans the wounds lightly,
Soothes and calms,
Like a burbling brook to sit next to.

But blood…

Blood is thick and heavy.
It leaves a taste of copper in my mouth
Even after my head resurfaces and I can breathe again.
It stains and flows from cuts, tearing my stitches
As much as I love my parents, I’d rather go to my friends so I won’t get lectured and/or  scolded
Apr 21 · 146
Returning to the Father
Lostling Apr 21
Like a sheep
Following the shepherd
He left this world
And returned to Heaven

May he rest in peace
21 April 2025
Pope Francis passed away
Apr 20 · 103
Child
Lostling Apr 20
There is a child
Who follows everywhere I go.
Late at night I hear him crying,
Yet my family stirs not.

When he cries,
I’m bound in a straightjacket,
stitched with silence
and the things I don’t know how to say.

I tell him to stop,
But he never listens.
So I muffle his sobs with a pillow
And hide him beneath my blanket

Sometimes he comes out during the day
Wailing for all the world to hear.
I tape his mouth shut
And wait until his tears won't be seen
Crying too much these days
Apr 19 · 80
Age
Lostling Apr 19
Age
When did age start feeling like a countdown to death?
Just a thought
Apr 18 · 280
Midnight
Lostling Apr 18
Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...
Silent, the world sleeps
Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...
Stars observe the veil of days
Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...
As child watched from bed
Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...
Can't sleep
Apr 17 · 57
Sacrifice
Lostling Apr 17
How beautiful a love so great,
So pure, so vast, so full,
That the glass in which it was poured into
Breaks so that it can spill onto the world.
It quenches crops wilting with thirst
And waters lands cracking with dust
And descends upon helpless fish
In a flood that saves them,
Takes them home
Back to the sea
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son," --John 3:16

Blessed Good Friday =)
Apr 16 · 139
Murderer
Lostling Apr 16
And the child cursed the sun
For killing the moon and stars
(-.-)
Apr 16 · 40
Doubt
Lostling Apr 16
If you doubt yourself
You start to doubt others
And if you doubt others
You’ll start to doubt everyone
Til there’s no one you can trust
Apr 15 · 63
Panic Attack
Lostling Apr 15
Chest
Tight—gasp
For air
Eyes
Burn—face
Numb ******
Thoughts-
WORTHLESS
EXPENDABLE
PATHETIC-
Loop
The lies/TRUTH

Holding
my breath,
My body
becomes
a trap
too tight
Just when I thought I was doing better too
Apr 13 · 143
Seashell
Lostling Apr 13
Seashells hold echos
Of life beneath waves
Hold one to your ear;
Listen, can you hear their story?
I used to think seashells would whisper secrets to those who would listen in the language of waves
Apr 10 · 178
Heads or tails?
Lostling Apr 10
Flip a coin
Was it heads or tails?
I bet it didn't land on its edge.
Too much, too little. Never just right.
Apr 9 · 109
“Improvement”
Lostling Apr 9
“Now you won’t be distracted.”
You took me away from my friend
“It’s for your own good.”
He was the only one keeping me sane
“You don’t talk in the middle of class anymore!”
You triggered my depressive days
“It’s only temporary.”
To think I actually believed you
“Are you okay?”
The audacity!

“Yeah, just tired.”
Overreacting to seat change =/
Apr 7 · 184
night talks
Lostling Apr 7
just you and me,
tucked in midnight's fold,
sharing the day
in murmurs only we hear
Short poem
Apr 6 · 264
Unsent I
Lostling Apr 6
Dear Friends,

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for my apathy
and empathy, my lack of words. I'm sorry
for thinking of you as r-
replacements for... everyone
and everything I lost.
I'm sorry for
being
the way I am, that I'm not
what I used to be

I'm-
I'm sorry
Apr 1 · 120
Drafts
Lostling Apr 1
Ideas
Pile up

Thoughts—unfinished
Left unsaid

Fear.
Doubt.
Uncertainty.
So much uncertainty
Apr 1 · 63
无 (Nothing)
Lostling Apr 1
Do you ever wake up at 1am and ask yourself
“Why do they care?”
“Why should they care?”

Why do they listen
To things I say?
Constant rambling—
Everyday.

Why do they ask
‘Bout the tears that fall?
It’s “pick me” nature
After all.

Why do they care
If I shine or rain?
Always too much
Always a pain.

Why do they care
When my hands start to shake?
When my voice cracks,
When I bend til I break?

Why do they search
When I vanish, withdraw?
Worried voices calling
Frozen walls thaw

Do you ever wake up at 1am and ask yourself
“Do they really care?”
Mar 26 · 73
Appetite
Lostling Mar 26
Breakfast passes
Recess passes
Lunch passes too

It’s been twenty-something hours since I’ve eaten any food

I probably should.


But I’m not hungry and I don’t care.
Mar 26 · 79
Mourning You; Alive
Lostling Mar 26
And suddenly I’m at your funeral                                              
                                                                ­   again. Your body is

          bloodied, laying in the little, black, box.        
  
                                                             ­  Your face is marred.

Or maybe it’s my tears                                                            ­              
                                                  ­     that make me                                    
                forget
   ­                                                                 ­                        how you look(ed)
              You shouldn’t be there.               I won’t be there.
                                              Unless you call for me.         But
                                                             ­                 dead people don’t speak.
And then I’ll climb down to your bed
Just to make sure you’re still breathing
Mar 21 · 89
---
Lostling Mar 21
---
A name
Replaced by dashes
Who were they?
And where did they go?
Mar 21 · 173
Procrastination
Lostling Mar 21
The call has fallen silent                    
                               My pen must rest
I will return          
                     Perhaps later
If only homework could be done the same way
Mar 20 · 141
Pinpricks of white
Lostling Mar 20
I never knew
The beauty of light
Until I was surrounded by darkness
Only at night can you see the stars…
Mar 17 · 174
Resignation
Lostling Mar 17
The darkness is coming,
You know this all too well.
You can see the drowning sun
Feel the breath of the icy wind
As the night stretches its claws across the sky

The darkness is coming.
And there's nothing you can do
But watch as the last rays of light shatter
And your fragile hope flickers,
Fading into ash.

The darkness is coming
You wait with dread
As ink bleeds into the sky,
And shadows crawl from the cracks
To dance upon your fears.

The darkness is coming
You fight for your life
But the shadows coil around your lungs,
Dragging you down,
Where your screams are swallowed whole.

The darkness is coming
And you almost welcome it,
Letting it pull you under,
Where broken dreams and forgotten prayers
Linger in the void.

The darkness is coming.
So you surrender,
Eyes closed,
Heart still beating—
Waiting for whatever comes next.
Mar 16 · 119
Anther Year Passes
Lostling Mar 16
I remember
The days
I grew up
Beaming,
Laughter threading through the halls
Like echoes that knew my name.

And when I left
My only regret
Was never hearing them sing
The ode to me.

Still,
I knew
I mattered to them.
Their words I'll keep
In the folds of my heart
Or tucked away in lines of code

But this year
They're silent.
And I stand outside,
Face to the sky,
I pray for rain to fall
So I will not weep alone.
Taking care to remember everyone
Only to be forgotten in the end

God I was so happy last year...
Mar 15 · 216
The Swing
Lostling Mar 15
As a child I wondered what it'd be like to be an angel
Soaring through the heavens on white feathers, playing golden harps in tune with the whistling of the wind.

And so I stepped onto flightless wings and let their hands guide me to the skies.
I looked up,
Up to where the the clouds floated
Where the winds lifted my hair with mischief and whispered songs of freedom
Where the ground was but a memory miles away
Where my fingertips felt like they could touch the infinite blue

...

Now, as I fall, I think mournfully to myself
What a childish dream it was, to think I could ever leave the shackles of the ground

And yet...
And yet
I find myself 10 again
Waiting for the next brush of heaven
Written on a swing.
Mar 13 · 395
Nameless
Lostling Mar 13
I can’t seem to name
This feeling

Not hunger—
I had breakfast.
Not fatigue—
I slept a full 8 hours last night.
Not laziness—
PE was today
Not stress—
Exams are over. For now.
Not sadness—
But not happiness either.
Not fear—
My heart beats slow.
Not loneliness—
I’m surrounded by people.
Not guilt—
I’ve done nothing wrong
Not peace—
This fog doesn’t count
Not confusion—
I don’t care right now
Something’s still missing
But maybe it’s alright
I’m finding the pieces as I write
Mar 6 · 162
Little Imperfections
Lostling Mar 6
I wear
Mismatched socks—
yellow and blue.
Tie my hair off-center,

A quiet defiance
Against the perfection
Society demands

They call it chaos.
I call it freedom.
To me,
Imperfections are beautiful.
Is it petty? Maybe. Do I care? Nah =)
Mar 5 · 765
Red Ink
Lostling Mar 5
Black and blue marks
On my arm—
Ink, of course. What else?
Words, thoughts, feelings, fears
Written, smudged, then erased.
Leftover streaks,
They wash away
With a smidge of soap and water.
And yet…
I can’t help but remember
When I wrote
With mechanical pencils
And staple bullets
Instead of ballpoint pens
And gel ones.
When I watched the ink,
A gorgeous shade of rubies,
Trickle
Down to my wrist
Like a rivulet of lava.
Now, the fire has long faded
Leaving white ashes
That won’t come off
“It was a cat that did it.”
Mar 5 · 101
Check In
Lostling Mar 5
I miss the friends who
Would ask if I was okay
So I could say no
Mar 5 · 140
Empty
Lostling Mar 5
Today I am…
A wisp of hazy cloud, drifting aimlessly.
A sponge, wrung dry. Only ***** suds remain.
A drop of water, endlessly falling—drip… drip… drip…
The colour grey. A dull shade. Just… there.
A fallen cup, its drink long evaporated.
A rock, lying on the riverbed, unmoving, watching life swim by.
Down Day
Mar 5 · 93
Exposed
Lostling Mar 5
They stepped (I let them)
Through the curtains where I hid
Raw shards of my soul
My friends in school found this website, this account, and read my poems. I did not stop them. It feels weird.

(I’m scared)
Mar 4 · 387
Lasting Shadows
Lostling Mar 4
As a child
I hid under my covers,
Fearing the monsters of the night
Lurking beneath my bed.

But now they live in my mind,
Crawling through the cracks,
Festering— even in the sun’s warmth.

No blanket can shield me.
No lamp, no lullaby.

I close my eyes
But still, they linger.
The worst monsters
Aren’t under our beds
But inside us
Mar 2 · 264
A Path Divided
Lostling Mar 2
If I betray my freedom
I betray myself,
Becoming a stranger in my own skin
Quietly echoing the voice of the crowd.
But if I betray the rules,
Break free and stray from the paved path,
I betray my comrades
I betray the people I lead
If I break free, I stand alone in exile
But if I conform, “I” do not exist anymore
Feb 26 · 128
Why?
Lostling Feb 26
There has to be a reason
Why I'm here on Earth,
And not in a world far away, where I can be anything more
More than a child who can do nothing but cry
Why am I here?
Feb 25 · 107
Useful
Lostling Feb 25
Use me
Hurt me
Abuse me
Exploit me

But please
Don’t toss me away
I'm sorry
Feb 25 · 135
Crimson Stained Snow
Lostling Feb 25
Blades clash, shattering
Unspoken words, a sword falls
Silence, then weeping
Friends from different sides spar together for the very last time
Feb 25 · 109
I am Misplaced
Lostling Feb 25
I am not the black sheep, so why don’t I belong?
My wool stands out amongst the heard, a speck of dirt on a
pristine
marble
dress.
I am not flicked away, but forced into another’s coat
To match the sea of white.
I am a stranger in my own body,
A mess of shredded wool and yearning
Yearning for my home
“Return to home!” My soul does cry, I want to listen so. But my heart has sheep that it holds dear, refusing to let go.
Feb 20 · 101
Before Bed
Lostling Feb 20
Quiet nights alone
Pen scratching against paper
Finally, day's end
Feb 20 · 185
Dissolving
Lostling Feb 20
I saw a familiar face in a crowd
Like dye in clear water
Disappear before I could reach it
What used to be a daily sight
Snuffed out like a candles light
Only smoke remains
Feb 20 · 151
When you fly away
Lostling Feb 20
I could only watch
As the people that helped me out of my egg
Took flight
As my seniors that showed me how to walk
Spread their wings
As my friends who showed me that path to the skies
Left for the clouds
Now, as I watch over the baby birds,
I know that soon, I too will have to leave.
Faces leave like birds in the winter
Except sometimes they don't return

(Another passing out parade is coming up, and I dont know if I'll cry or celebrate at mine)
Feb 20 · 343
TooLoudTooLoudTooLoud
Lostling Feb 20
The claps
Explode inside my ears, thundering blanks of noise
The cheers and chatter
Whispers
Mutters
Rush into my ears like seawater, and I can't help but drown...
Static.
Static everywhere, wires zinging and zapping,
Skewer my brain and blend it into froth
Pouring out of my eyes as I squeeze them shut.
And as the frost rushes through my spine, into my lungs,
Curling its claws around my throat,
My screams for silence are just that.
Where you hear commands
I hear abuse
Where you hear applause
Only gunshots ring out for me

(Never touching uniform groups again)
Feb 14 · 124
Valentine's Day
Lostling Feb 14
I have no lover
Nor fiancé
Nor crush or valentine
But still I have
A different kind of love
I can call mine
I have my friends
And family
Whom do I treasure so
They love me well
And I do too, more
Than I can ever show
Happy Valentine's Day!

(One does not need a valentine to know the warmth of love
Instead it’s found inside the heart, around thee, and above)
Feb 12 · 217
Russian Doll
Lostling Feb 12
The biggest shall protect the small
That’s how the doll’s life goes
Lies that cover up the truth
So weakness does not show
And even if you think you know
What really lies within
Another face laughs mockingly
In secret with a grin
Each one is different, yet the same
With layers stripped and worn
Who can tell what’s real from fake
With this ever changing form?
I realise now, they are not masks
Nor lies or false facades
Instead they are a spirit, whole
Made up of different parts
(I’ve long accepted I am me
Even the parts you cannot see)
Lostling Feb 11
You came
Like a thrush;
Swiftly over the soft hills of powdered snow

And landed
On my shoulder
Perching on me as snowflakes dusted my hair

Then you left
In a single breath
Leaving me behind to face the avalanche, alone once more
(One moment of air, ten years of drowning
Hold my breath and keep on counting
Till I can breathe again)
Feb 10 · 314
To stay awake
Lostling Feb 10
Rest did not come find me last night
Instead I laid wide awake staring at the ceiling

Now exhaustion sits on my shoulder
Smirking and taunting me

So I pop a coffee sweet
Bitter alertness rolls over my tongue

But exhaustion returns, a sly fox
Dragging my eyelids down, stealing my strength

So I take another sweet
This one just as bitter as the last

The day crawls by and once again,
The wold is getting fuzzy…

Another one swallowed
And soon, I’ll need to buy a new supply
(As sleepless nights siphon from my soul, caffeine’s the tape that keeps me whole. At least just for the day)
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