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Apr 9 · 178
“Improvement”
Lostling Apr 9
“Now you won’t be distracted.”
You took me away from my friend
“It’s for your own good.”
He was the only one keeping me sane
“You don’t talk in the middle of class anymore!”
You triggered my depressive days
“It’s only temporary.”
To think I actually believed you
“Are you okay?”
The audacity!

“Yeah, just tired.”
Overreacting to seat change =/
Apr 7 · 301
night talks
Lostling Apr 7
just you and me,
tucked in midnight's fold,
sharing the day
in murmurs only we hear
Short poem
Apr 6 · 323
Unsent I
Lostling Apr 6
Dear Friends,

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for my apathy
and empathy, my lack of words. I'm sorry
for thinking of you as r-
replacements for... everyone
and everything I lost.
I'm sorry for
being
the way I am, that I'm not
what I used to be

I'm-
I'm sorry
Apr 1 · 194
Drafts
Lostling Apr 1
Ideas
Pile up

Thoughts—unfinished
Left unsaid

Fear.
Doubt.
Uncertainty.
So much uncertainty
Apr 1 · 123
无 (Nothing)
Lostling Apr 1
Do you ever wake up at 1am and ask yourself
“Why do they care?”
“Why should they care?”

Why do they listen
To things I say?
Constant rambling—
Everyday.

Why do they ask
‘Bout the tears that fall?
It’s “pick me” nature
After all.

Why do they care
If I shine or rain?
Always too much
Always a pain.

Why do they care
When my hands start to shake?
When my voice cracks,
When I bend til I break?

Why do they search
When I vanish, withdraw?
Worried voices calling
Frozen walls thaw

Do you ever wake up at 1am and ask yourself
“Do they really care?”
Mar 26 · 154
Appetite
Lostling Mar 26
Breakfast passes
Recess passes
Lunch passes too

It’s been twenty-something hours since I’ve eaten any food

I probably should.


But I’m not hungry and I don’t care.
Mar 26 · 128
Mourning You; Alive
Lostling Mar 26
And suddenly I’m at your funeral                                              
                                                                ­   again. Your body is

          bloodied, laying in the little, black, box.        
  
                                                             ­  Your face is marred.

Or maybe it’s my tears                                                            ­              
                                                  ­     that make me                                    
                forget
   ­                                                                 ­                        how you look(ed)
              You shouldn’t be there.               I won’t be there.
                                              Unless you call for me.         But
                                                             ­                 dead people don’t speak.
And then I’ll climb down to your bed
Just to make sure you’re still breathing
Mar 21 · 149
---
Lostling Mar 21
---
A name
Replaced by dashes
Who were they?
And where did they go?
Mar 21 · 304
Procrastination
Lostling Mar 21
The call has fallen silent                    
                               My pen must rest
I will return          
                     Perhaps later
If only homework could be done the same way
Mar 20 · 204
Pinpricks of white
Lostling Mar 20
I never knew
The beauty of light
Until I was surrounded by darkness
Only at night can you see the stars…
Mar 17 · 239
Resignation
Lostling Mar 17
The darkness is coming,
You know this all too well.
You can see the drowning sun
Feel the breath of the icy wind
As the night stretches its claws across the sky

The darkness is coming.
And there's nothing you can do
But watch as the last rays of light shatter
And your fragile hope flickers,
Fading into ash.

The darkness is coming
You wait with dread
As ink bleeds into the sky,
And shadows crawl from the cracks
To dance upon your fears.

The darkness is coming
You fight for your life
But the shadows coil around your lungs,
Dragging you down,
Where your screams are swallowed whole.

The darkness is coming
And you almost welcome it,
Letting it pull you under,
Where broken dreams and forgotten prayers
Linger in the void.

The darkness is coming.
So you surrender,
Eyes closed,
Heart still beating—
Waiting for whatever comes next.
Mar 16 · 190
Anther Year Passes
Lostling Mar 16
I remember
The days
I grew up
Beaming,
Laughter threading through the halls
Like echoes that knew my name.

And when I left
My only regret
Was never hearing them sing
The ode to me.

Still,
I knew
I mattered to them.
Their words I'll keep
In the folds of my heart
Or tucked away in lines of code

But this year
They're silent.
And I stand outside,
Face to the sky,
I pray for rain to fall
So I will not weep alone.
Taking care to remember everyone
Only to be forgotten in the end

God I was so happy last year...
Mar 15 · 294
The Swing
Lostling Mar 15
As a child I wondered what it'd be like to be an angel
Soaring through the heavens on white feathers, playing golden harps in tune with the whistling of the wind.

And so I stepped onto flightless wings and let their hands guide me to the skies.
I looked up,
Up to where the the clouds floated
Where the winds lifted my hair with mischief and whispered songs of freedom
Where the ground was but a memory miles away
Where my fingertips felt like they could touch the infinite blue

...

Now, as I fall, I think mournfully to myself
What a childish dream it was, to think I could ever leave the shackles of the ground

And yet...
And yet
I find myself 10 again
Waiting for the next brush of heaven
Written on a swing.
Mar 13 · 448
Nameless
Lostling Mar 13
I can’t seem to name
This feeling

Not hunger—
I had breakfast.
Not fatigue—
I slept a full 8 hours last night.
Not laziness—
PE was today
Not stress—
Exams are over. For now.
Not sadness—
But not happiness either.
Not fear—
My heart beats slow.
Not loneliness—
I’m surrounded by people.
Not guilt—
I’ve done nothing wrong
Not peace—
This fog doesn’t count
Not confusion—
I don’t care right now
Something’s still missing
But maybe it’s alright
I’m finding the pieces as I write
Mar 6 · 263
Little Imperfections
Lostling Mar 6
I wear
Mismatched socks—
yellow and blue.
Tie my hair off-center,

A quiet defiance
Against the perfection
Society demands

They call it chaos.
I call it freedom.
To me,
Imperfections are beautiful.
Is it petty? Maybe. Do I care? Nah =)
Mar 5 · 939
Red Ink
Lostling Mar 5
Black and blue marks
On my arm—
Ink, of course. What else?
Words, thoughts, feelings, fears
Written, smudged, then erased.
Leftover streaks,
They wash away
With a smidge of soap and water.
And yet…
I can’t help but remember
When I wrote
With mechanical pencils
And staple bullets
Instead of ballpoint pens
And gel ones.
When I watched the ink,
A gorgeous shade of rubies,
Trickle
Down to my wrist
Like a rivulet of lava.
Now, the fire has long faded
Leaving white ashes
That won’t come off
“It was a cat that did it.”
Mar 5 · 156
Check In
Lostling Mar 5
I miss the friends who
Would ask if I was okay
So I could say no
Mar 5 · 207
Empty
Lostling Mar 5
Today I am…
A wisp of hazy cloud, drifting aimlessly.
A sponge, wrung dry. Only ***** suds remain.
A drop of water, endlessly falling—drip… drip… drip…
The colour grey. A dull shade. Just… there.
A fallen cup, its drink long evaporated.
A rock, lying on the riverbed, unmoving, watching life swim by.
Down Day
Mar 5 · 149
Exposed
Lostling Mar 5
They stepped (I let them)
Through the curtains where I hid
Raw shards of my soul
My friends in school found this website, this account, and read my poems. I did not stop them. It feels weird.

(I’m scared)
Mar 4 · 496
Lasting Shadows
Lostling Mar 4
As a child
I hid under my covers,
Fearing the monsters of the night
Lurking beneath my bed.

But now they live in my mind,
Crawling through the cracks,
Festering— even in the sun’s warmth.

No blanket can shield me.
No lamp, no lullaby.

I close my eyes
But still, they linger.
The worst monsters
Aren’t under our beds
But inside us
Mar 2 · 480
A Path Divided
Lostling Mar 2
If I betray my freedom
I betray myself,
Becoming a stranger in my own skin
Quietly echoing the voice of the crowd.
But if I betray the rules,
Break free and stray from the paved path,
I betray my comrades
I betray the people I lead
If I break free, I stand alone in exile
But if I conform, “I” do not exist anymore
Feb 26 · 183
Why?
Lostling Feb 26
There has to be a reason
Why I'm here on Earth,
And not in a world far away, where I can be anything more
More than a child who can do nothing but cry
Why am I here?
Feb 25 · 174
Useful
Lostling Feb 25
Use me
Hurt me
Abuse me
Exploit me

But please
Don’t toss me away
I'm sorry
Feb 25 · 173
Crimson Stained Snow
Lostling Feb 25
Blades clash, shattering
Unspoken words, a sword falls
Silence, then weeping
Friends from different sides spar together for the very last time
Feb 25 · 231
I am Misplaced
Lostling Feb 25
I am not the black sheep, so why don’t I belong?
My wool stands out amongst the heard, a speck of dirt on a
pristine
marble
dress.
I am not flicked away, but forced into another’s coat
To match the sea of white.
I am a stranger in my own body,
A mess of shredded wool and yearning
Yearning for my home
“Return to home!” My soul does cry, I want to listen so. But my heart has sheep that it holds dear, refusing to let go.
Feb 20 · 137
Before Bed
Lostling Feb 20
Quiet nights alone
Pen scratching against paper
Finally, day's end
Feb 20 · 253
Dissolving
Lostling Feb 20
I saw a familiar face in a crowd
Like dye in clear water
Disappear before I could reach it
What used to be a daily sight
Snuffed out like a candles light
Only smoke remains
Feb 20 · 233
When you fly away
Lostling Feb 20
I could only watch
As the people that helped me out of my egg
Took flight
As my seniors that showed me how to walk
Spread their wings
As my friends who showed me that path to the skies
Left for the clouds
Now, as I watch over the baby birds,
I know that soon, I too will have to leave.
Faces leave like birds in the winter
Except sometimes they don't return

(Another passing out parade is coming up, and I dont know if I'll cry or celebrate at mine)
Feb 20 · 453
TooLoudTooLoudTooLoud
Lostling Feb 20
The claps
Explode inside my ears, thundering blanks of noise
The cheers and chatter
Whispers
Mutters
Rush into my ears like seawater, and I can't help but drown...
Static.
Static everywhere, wires zinging and zapping,
Skewer my brain and blend it into froth
Pouring out of my eyes as I squeeze them shut.
And as the frost rushes through my spine, into my lungs,
Curling its claws around my throat,
My screams for silence are just that.
Where you hear commands
I hear abuse
Where you hear applause
Only gunshots ring out for me

(Never touching uniform groups again)
Feb 14 · 156
Valentine's Day
Lostling Feb 14
I have no lover
Nor fiancé
Nor crush or valentine
But still I have
A different kind of love
I can call mine
I have my friends
And family
Whom do I treasure so
They love me well
And I do too, more
Than I can ever show
Happy Valentine's Day!

(One does not need a valentine to know the warmth of love
Instead it’s found inside the heart, around thee, and above)
Feb 12 · 363
Russian Doll
Lostling Feb 12
The biggest shall protect the small
That’s how the doll’s life goes
Lies that cover up the truth
So weakness does not show
And even if you think you know
What really lies within
Another face laughs mockingly
In secret with a grin
Each one is different, yet the same
With layers stripped and worn
Who can tell what’s real from fake
With this ever changing form?
I realise now, they are not masks
Nor lies or false facades
Instead they are a spirit, whole
Made up of different parts
(I’ve long accepted I am me
Even the parts you cannot see)
Lostling Feb 11
You came
Like a thrush;
Swiftly over the soft hills of powdered snow

And landed
On my shoulder
Perching on me as snowflakes dusted my hair

Then you left
In a single breath
Leaving me behind to face the avalanche, alone once more
(One moment of air, ten years of drowning
Hold my breath and keep on counting
Till I can breathe again)
Feb 10 · 451
To stay awake
Lostling Feb 10
Rest did not come find me last night
Instead I laid wide awake staring at the ceiling

Now exhaustion sits on my shoulder
Smirking and taunting me

So I pop a coffee sweet
Bitter alertness rolls over my tongue

But exhaustion returns, a sly fox
Dragging my eyelids down, stealing my strength

So I take another sweet
This one just as bitter as the last

The day crawls by and once again,
The wold is getting fuzzy…

Another one swallowed
And soon, I’ll need to buy a new supply
(As sleepless nights siphon from my soul, caffeine’s the tape that keeps me whole. At least just for the day)
Lostling Feb 10
I fear not the freezing nights on my lonesome
Nor the sad return to an empty house
Nor the burn of the blazing sky
Nor the voices berating
(They don’t exist)
Nor the dark

Why?
For you are here
To save me from myself
And take me to another world
One where we can live in our memories
Memories we call safe, and safe is what you are
Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, Be it ever so humble there's no place like home!— John Howard Payne

To me, home isn’t a place, it’s a person.
Feb 10 · 516
Nothing’s New
Lostling Feb 10
Stuck in a time loop
Of endless days with only false ends in sight
Filled with papers
That cut me up and down
Till I’m once again a coward
Wanting the easy escape
Just to break the cycle
Just to make the pain stop
Forever
I hate school and I don’t know what to do.

(Though time may pass and sessions change, it wavers not, this lasting pain)
Feb 10 · 197
Graduation
Lostling Feb 10
The day I watched the fire die
Only once did my tears fall
But I knew that once the moon was neigh
I would answer sorrow’s call
Despite the embers that remain;
Pathetic wisps go hope
I know it’ll never be the same
As I clutch this rotting rope
I think the walls are closing in
But maybe it’s just me
The emptiness hurts from within
So suffocatingly
I guess this is the place where we
Have no choice but to part
In the future I hope I’ll see
Us in each other’s hearts
Till the next time we can meet, friend,
I’ll save a seat for you
Though many faces are fleeting
You’ll stay one of the few
This was literature homework =P

(Emptiness this loss does bring,
And so the pain I shall now sing)
Feb 7 · 234
Peace at last
Lostling Feb 7
The silence is my only friend
The one whom I yearn for to sit with me
In quiet nights alone in bed
And like hushed snow drifting down
Silence comes along, a ghost
Tucks in all my thoughts
To bed
Till they wake the next day
I wish my brain would shut up or at least slow down at night

(My thoughts and dreams, they’re racing still
As I sit on my window sill
And watch the sleeping world)
Feb 6 · 164
Am I too much?
Lostling Feb 6
My smiles and hugs
My fears and funs
My joys and jumps
I mix

Into my *** of caramel, the warm sugar fills the air
I'd serve it all to you, my friend

But then I remember: you're sick of jt
To sweet for you, you said

The *** of caramel sits
On the stove
Cooling

Tonight
I'll eat it all alone
Or maybe it'll go into the bin again
Words that no one wants to hear, died on the tongue, held back by fear
Feb 6 · 163
Tired
Lostling Feb 6
I might close my eyes
Let darkness consume my world
Please… just take me home
I need a break
Feb 5 · 416
Fleeting
Lostling Feb 5
T h e   d a y s   s e e m   t o o   l o n g
A  n  d     t  h  e     y  e  a  r  s     e  v  e  n      l  o  n  g  e  r

Funny how quickly
A life can be-
Cut short.
Feb 4 · 159
Numb
Lostling Feb 4
I’m tired of feeling everything all at once
They fight, I take the wounds.
I smile
A mask to hide my tears
While my heart rots with the tortured corpses

They’ll never know I’m dying
Or understand
Or care
And yet I’m scared to close the doors
For what is one moment of respite if I lose the key again?
Emotional exhaustion due to being over sensitive. It’s like I feel too much and it gets overwhelming.
Feb 3 · 192
Writer’s Block
Lostling Feb 3
I sit
Behind a blank screen
Thoughts
S     c a   tt e    r  e       d
Like dandelion seeds in the wind
A swirling mess of fluffy white
I can’t help but think they look beautiful
What a gift it would be to share this beauty!
But I can’t catch them
They s
            l
             i
              p
Right through my fingers
Laughing and dancing around me
While the white screen
And the blinking text cursor mock me…
Angry bees buzz in my mind,
Itchy and hot
    um
  j        p,
I             and swipe
Trying to grab anything, ANYTHING!
But I fail to fly with them
Harsh hands only chasing away the seeds
Like parting water

I stop
Hope d r a i n i n g out of my body
I’ve broken and spring a leak
Condemned to the ground
I can’t do this anymore

The sun sets
And the dusts settles
I sit among among the dandelions drifting down
Wait, what?
Oh…
I can finally hold them
Funnily, I write this as a practice while having writer’s block on another story. I really liked how it turned out =)
Feb 3 · 194
Chinese New Year
Lostling Feb 3
With twin oranges
Welcome blessings for new year
Relatives around
Happy Chinese New Year!
Feb 2 · 239
Legacy
Lostling Feb 2
I sit on a hill
Grass poking into my palm
The night air woven in ice
The sky is filled with glittering stars
Nestled within the frozen void
Like little jewels in black velvet

Such beautiful corpses
The light of stars will still be visible from earth for a long time even after they die.
Feb 2 · 176
Texting
Lostling Feb 2
Behind the screens
They cannot see my tears
Or hear my silence
Through the words they do not shout
I cannot bear to read
For harm befalls my heart in silent weeping
Feb 1 · 781
Lost and Found
Lostling Feb 1
Always searching
For a reason

Always looking
For a sign

Always seeking
For an answer

Always hunting
All my life

But…

What If
I’m the one who’s lost?

What if
I need to be found?

What if
I’m the one who’s dying?

What if
I’m the one who’s drowned?

Nah… that’s impossible
Loves helping others but never asks for help because they’re convinced they can do everything and don’t need help if they try hard enough? Couldn’t be me.
Feb 1 · 604
Anonymous
Lostling Feb 1
If I speak my mind
Behind a blank mask,
I do not own the thought
I do not speak my mind
Feb 1 · 119
I’ve lost my tongue
Lostling Feb 1
I sit at my chair
For hours on end
Staring at the blank paper

The story is at the tips of my fingers
The characters chatter in my mind, ready to take the stage
But to my horror

My words are gone and only the silence remains
I’ve been silent for so long I’ve forgotten how to speak
Feb 1 · 643
Aging
Lostling Feb 1
As I grow older
There were more big problems
Overshadowing the small ones
And so I stopped tending to those small things

Like brushing teeth
Or going for walks
Or bathing
Or eating
Or sleeping

Huh… I think I might be dying
Under great stress, people sometimes forget to take care of themselves. So if you’re one of these people, take a short break and drink water or go for a walk around your neighbourhood. These might seem small, but they’re still important.
Feb 1 · 210
Life
Lostling Feb 1
I came
I saw
I laughed
I cried
I grew
I flew
I fell
I lied
I hurt
Was hurt
I healed
I sighed
I loved
I loathed
I smiled
I died
I want to live it all again
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