I apologize as I dry her eyes
And I know that I'll never be enough for her
Two pieces from different puzzles
And I'm still puzzled how I ever found her
Incongruent, I ******* blew it
And I'm still trying to make sense of it all
I laugh, there's no number to call
And she's gone as I continue to fall

I remember every single kiss we shared,
From the boat below deck at 1 am, to the shore beneath the stars

I remember every embrace,
And how warm you felt

I remember every handhold,
How you complained that your fingers were shorter than mine

I remember our phone calls till 2 am,
About nothing and everything

I remember every argument,
How obstinate I was, how sad you were

I remember you dragging me out to a beautiful lake,
Just to break my heart

I remember feeling a cold emptiness take me,
As shock set in

I remember you driving me to the airport,
And Taylor Swift coming on the radio

We are never, ever, getting back together
You're a ******* prophet, Taylor

I remember holding you one last time at the airport,
My arms felt like melting wax

I remember you calling me drunk on your birthday,
Telling me about the guy at the bar who stuck his tongue down your throat

I remember you calling me sober the next day,
Repeating the same ******* story

I remember you asking me to come over that same night,
And me telling you that I wish I could

I remember writing you letters,
Pleading, desperate, insane

I remember you ignoring it all,
Silence still a harrowing novelty at the time

I remember the 2 years that followed,
And how far I've come, how far I haven't

I remember you falling asleep in my arms,
And how I've never been so happy

I remember you,
And sometimes I wish I didn't

I wish you didn't occupy every idle thought,
I wish you weren't the meaning of absence
And I wish you didn't sound like silence

I wish you knew,
It wouldn't make a difference if you did,
But I wish it would

Lay back, baby
You fit so nice in the crook
Between my shoulder and my chest
Like a jigsaw finally fitting,
After so many failures

For every heart broken, a story is gained,
Every hypothetical forever I entertained,
Now merely an anecdote
Of how I used to dote
And I wrote, and I wrote
And I'm so sorry that all you are now
Is just another story I tell

I imagine your lips,
I'm struck,
A kaleidoscope of memories

Her kiss flowed like ruby red wine,
Never have I known a sweeter narcotic,
Nor ever a deadlier poison

Let me write you poetry,
Let me plumb the depths of my heart,
To find the words,
To describe your elegance,
And your beauty,
Your poise,
Your humor,
And your strength,
Let me weave you soliloquies,
About the shape of your smile,
Or that shade of blue in your eyes,
That seemingly changes at your whim,
Let me pen you my memoirs,
And tell you it's ok,
Tell you that you were the best thing,
That ever happened to me.

I miss your letters,
Once sent with regularity
On tiny cards bright green, orange, pink, blue

Every few days, I'd check the mail with a grin
And find your iconic cards,
Sometimes they'd even come two at a time

You'll never know what your letters meant,
Or how they'd make my day
As I ripped each open to devour

I kept every one of the blessed things,
They littered my desk, my bedside
Like tiny pockets of love

And then in one fell swoop,
They were ceremoniously discarded,
Along with every other memento
That scalded my skin, my mind,
And my bloodstained heart

I'd check the mailbox for months after,
Praying I'd find a tiny colored envelope,
Praying for medicine for my ailing spirit,
But none ever came.

I've never sent anyone else a letter since,
Your letters will remain but another hallmark
Of your unbelievable kindness and love,
The kind I'm sure I never deserved

As I pour another glass to libate
Memories appear and sublimate

Imagine licking a Tootsie Pop,
And being unsure if the center,
Will taste like *regret

She's in love,
So drenched in her bliss
And here you are clinging on,
With Tegan and Sara in the background

Life's not fair, maybe,
Maybe it didn't go as you liked,
Maybe you're drinking,
Maybe this is what you get.

And maybe you'll hold onto this hurt,
Maybe you won't abandon hope,
Maybe you won't ***** this flame,
Maybe you'll just quietly ache

Man has suffered worse than this,
Even if it's difficult to imagine,
Love is an agonizing fire,
It never stops burning

Beer still flows,
Wine still numbs,
Memories won't disappear,
What's another day?

What's another song?
What's another heart pang?
The heart's a surprising agony engine,
Capable of rekindling pain from ashes

And I'll keep entertaining new women,
Because new is still something,
It's no replacement,
But at least I'm occupied

At least there's potential,
At least love can be reborn,
At least I need not die,
At least I may live again

She was the only lighthouse in a roiling sea of black

My rowboat upended
As the waves enveloped my screams

Gasping, reaching
As the foamy pitch swallowed me whole

CLANG mourned the lighthouse
Her yellow beam helplessly revolving

CLANG  *CLANG

lips (pl. n.): another word for home
*(see: familiarity, beauty)

I wonder what you saw in my eyes
that always made you smile
and look away

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I question that adage. What if you can't enjoy a quiet moment without thinking about your love? What if every woman you've dated since simply brings a smile to your face but one glance at her still feels like your heart is being squeezed by a vice? What if you taste this loss every single day like a mouthful of ashes? What if you need to be distracted by a new woman just so your brain will shut the **** up for a minute? What if every song that even remotely hints at love makes you think about her and no one else? Is it still better? Is it better knowing that the only person you've ever given your heart to is spending the rest of her life with someone else? Is it better knowing that this could have been so much more?

Love is an illness for which we have no cure
We watch time compound it
We allow new lovers to bury it
But how do you forget how it felt to set your heart on fire with love's first kiss?
And how do you forget the inferno blazing in your innards when you lost everything?

There is this curious naïveté that falling in love anew will be your salvation
But how do you ever tread as carelessly ever again?
How do you venture into brambles unknown without apprehensive prudence infecting your every step?

There is no erasing what your hands and words have wrought
And there is no relief from any song daring to utter "love"

Love is your cross to bear
Your burden to carry
Your reminder that somewhere is a human being who means absolutely everything
Whose happiness is more important than yours
Who only deserves the best

You know that lump in your throat?
The one that feels like you'll choke any second?
Those are the words you sent to die in your stomach
They're the ones you wanted to say
The ones you thought might fix everything
Or maybe they'd ******* **** you, who knows?

But you swallow that lump, and you breathe and you wonder if those words would ever be given a voice, granted an audience
because God knows they're not dead,
they're churning around in your stomach
giving you hell for what you've done

And look, I'm sorry, this is the best that I can do. I hope that counts for something.

Drown me in your embrace
Make me forget everything before you came along
Make me an addict for your flesh
Make me feel like you're the only place I belong

We're taught to move on,
To be strong!
Shake it off, champ!
You'll get 'em next time!

Except this isn't a ******* baseball game is it?

These losses aren't ephemeral,
And loving the ghost of someone,
Is like dragging a cinder block
Tied around your neck

Your delicate skin chafes, tears and bleeds,
And as you gag,
Perhaps you wish you'd find yourself
In a lake with that cinder block

Gurgling, staring eyes wide
At the block to do something!
Haven't you loved it so?
Bubbles rise.

Fade to black and remember
Your thankless love,
Remember how you held this torch,
And became a martyr for no one

A love maternal
Is a love eternal

Let's make an effort to age this sadness for 16 years
Will it hold weight then?
Will it be a tangible thing that you can hold, and hug and touch?
Will it have a taste of metallic blood or simply smell like the musty wood of forgotten time?
Let's bottle it away
Give it time to mature
And maybe one day we can both sample the fruits of this labor

Love struck me upside the head once before,
Leaving me bleeding in an alleyway

It took my wallet, my keys, my heart,
My sanity, my trust, it tore me apart

And now it returns to the scene of the crime,
Maybe back to finish me off for good

A femme fatale clad in stilettos,
Heel poised to pierce hearts

Maybe I'm asking for it,
A glutton for pain

I've been sick so long,
Just give me my medicine

I still have old photos of us,
Grinning on the beach,
I was a kid with my heart as big as my chest,
And you were wearing my necklace,
The one I gave you as a keepsake
To bridge the distance at least a little

It was 5 a.m. and you were on my mind as usual,
And I guess I’m just glad I kept the photos,
As these mementos are invaluable to me
Even if I was wont to burn everything once
When my world was collapsing
And the apocalypse felt nigh

Nostalgic melancholy gives way to pause
As I stare at us holding each other,
And I feel like I’m peering into a parallel universe,
One in which I never knew pain,
And only knew love,
Only knew you

I'm a ******* mess
Such a ******* success
It's just an excess of unrest
Because nothing's really wrong

I watch the sunset and sip beer
And it's all just a bit queer
How I could really complain
Look upon with disdain
A life that's really not that ******* bad

The **** in your head is what'll do you in
The demons within, all dripping with sin
I just can't make peace, can't find a release
To try and grease this process along
Until I find a place where I belong

Plotting a breakup,
Plotting a ******,
Both leave a body,
Marked for the coroner.

I'm sorry.

Every woman deserves to be someone's muse

Immortalize her
Paint her with undying words
She is your purpose
The reason you toil
The reason your soul bleeds
The reason you can't fall asleep without her clinging to the tendrils of sleep trying to wrap you in sweet unconsciousness

She'll be the reason you can't absentmindedly look at lakes

She'll be why your pen keeps moving
She'll be the ink when your pen runs dry
She'll be there, even if you can't touch her

She'll always be there

Sometimes I wonder if you’ve gone through what I have,
Dating other people as a narcotic to numb the pain of missing an extension of your heart,
We’re all creatures fixated on the now,
And short term memory and the immediacy of ******* prevail enough
So that Mrs. Right Now will do,
And maybe she’ll become Mrs. Right in time,
Maybe she’ll steal your heart,
Or maybe she never will
Maybe the heart can only be stolen in that first glance at feral eyes flashing with desire

All I do is explore mouths looking for answers,
Searching flesh for relief, however ephemeral
Oh how I hope you find this repugnant and foul,
How I hope you treasured each man like he was the last drop of water on Earth,
Of course I’m not naïve,
But I hope I meant as much as you made me believe

She was an earthquake,
Leaving death in her wake

She was a hurricane,
I swore I'd contain

She was a blizzard,
And I inexplicably miss her

I carry an ocean of regret and longing,
Things I never got to say,
Before you went away,
But these streams of poetry
Slowly drain waters roiling,
While thoughts of you are gently boiling,
And time ticks by with every exhalation,
But this love has no expiration

I carry an ocean of regret and longing,
Things I never got to say,
Before you went away,
But these streams of poetry
Slowly drain waters roiling,
While thoughts of you are gently boiling,
And time ticks by with every exhalation,
But this love has no expiration,
And I have no explanation,
And no expectation,
And this awful want knows no reason,
Growing no less with each passing season,
Like a virulent plague spreading,
And a dire end most dreading

Check out my picture perfect life on Facebook,
Smiling faces, likes and comments,
I hope you don't find out,
My life is anything but

You once told me about a painting you drew,
You told me there was a painting underneath
But when I asked of what,
You wouldn't tell me;
It was too soon.

Everything about you felt like an enigma,
Even though you bared so much of your soul to me,
Your secrets, your fears, your burdens,
And much like that painting,
I felt that I could only scratch the surface of you

You beautiful, mysterious creature,
Enshrouded in secrets,
Wrapped in riddles

I still wonder about that painting,
And what I would have learned
But you were a tome that I'll never finish,
Your pages left to be read by another,
Who would drink in your rich stories
And savor them like a prized wine aged by time and effort

And though I am merely a footnote in your storied history,
I am grateful to be associated with your name,
To have touched your life,
And have been there for you as I have

This love is a pathology,
A mind clearly powerless over
A heart mired with longing

Go on and medicate me,
Quell these dopamine starved receptors
They want only your taste,
They want only you.

As the years stretch,
The prognosis grows more grim,
As I drink in your absence
And choke on its bitterness,
I tell myself, *"Finish your medicine"

Tasty biting whiskey peat
Yes that's right, I'll take mine neat
Smoky cask strength, burning heat
Thank you Scotland for this treat!

Maybe this is my penance,
And if so, that’s fine,
I can write you poems
Until my ink runs dry
And my fingers break

I’ve many regrets, but chief among them
Is not writing you poetry sooner,
Sure, I sang to you,
Something I’ve not done with a soul since, 

But I wish I could have told you
How much you meant when it mattered,
When I wasn’t being strangled and tongue tied
With fear of being too open

You fell asleep in my arms to the sound of me reading books,
But I wish I could have written you lullabies,
So that instead you’d sleep
Wrapped in the warmth of my gentle hymns

It took this cataclysm for me to abandon my fears
And awaken a poet that had laid dormant for a lifetime
And I can at least thank you for that

You can spend life in many ways,
Analyzing or distracted in a daze
These truths may be self evident,
But perceptions are realities bent
You seek assurances from within,
But permanence never truly sinks in