Ours was a complex relationship,
Full of pride and bitter sweet,
But underneath the fiery rage,
The criticism and put downs,
Were the broken hearts of a
father and daughter,
Who both wanted
Above all,
To love
And
Be loved.

Regrets.
Such a wasted emotion
For what can you do
About what is past.
Certainly you can choose to examine what happened
But objectively
In terms of cause and reaction
Explore what was said and done that led to x, y, z,
That way you can stop repeating
Your sins  
And choose a different path
A healthier way
For you
For me
For the universe

What will it take to remember
I AM enough
I AM deserving
I AM loved
By Him at least,
And to know
It will all become easier
When I learn to accept
And let go?

Listen to your inner voice of wisdom,
Notice the signs and people around you,
For they are there to help you remember,
To remember who you truly are,
A wondrous amazing being,
Know you are loved
Unconditionally,
Whatever, wherever and whenever you err,
Because you have free will
It’s down to you,
It’s your choice to live from love,
Or from fear,
But know you will receive back what you dish out,
You will attract what you focus on,
So choose wisely

We are here to remember who we are,
To become our true selves,
Not to learn, because we already know deep inside,
We just need to remember.
And you’ve had more than enough experience of what you’re not over the years,
Now is the time to experience what and who you really are,
To live with joy, love and passion,
Now is the time to let go of the fear and everything that’s been holding you back,
To be kind, to you and everyone,
To trust others and yourself.
With every thought, word and deed
Now just breathe and relax and enjoy the ride!

Snatched
Glimpses and
Remnants
Times past,
Floating in and out of consciousness,
Some uncomfortable,
Some bad,
Some horrific,
Leaving confusion,
A lump in the throat,
Unable to swallow,
Knowing not yet to what they relate,
Just a
Feeling of
Cold,
Sickening,
Clammy,
Fear.

A life ill spent
Through no fault of my own,
But drowning
In a muddy well
Of confusion
And pain
And oblivion,
Obnoxious toxic stale fetor
Permeating every pore and inhalation
As people passed on by,
Stuck inside their own dazed state of busyness,
Unseeing, unknowing, unaware,
Until one had the grace
To stop and notice
The floundering and muffled cries for help
And reach out a hand,
Unnoticed at first,
Then wilfully ignored from deep
Feelings of unworthiness,
But their strength
tolerance
Steadfast manner
And the grace of God
Won through in the end,
Patiently reassuring time and time again
Their intention was true and honest,
They did care,
They could be trusted
To not let go,
The forged in stone connection could not be broken
By man or foe,
In spite of devilish attempts to the contrary,
So I reached out my hand
To grasp
This longed for beacon of hope,
Tentatively at first,
Fingertips brushing gently against each other, but
Slowly and surely,
Step by step,
Bit by bit,
Until the foregone conclusion,
And Phoenix like,
Though blind and bedraggled
With muddied feathers for sure,
I am risen from a well of melancholia and oblivion,
To the bright light of day,
Drinking in the hitherto unknown golden orb,
And breathing in the fragrant rose bloom
Of hope and emancipation.

Remember God loves you.
He has your back.
You are safe.
Praise be.

A heart is like a piece of parchment,
Being on the receiving end
Of a barbed word or
Spiteful action,
Crumples up the paper.
No matter how much you smooth it out,
It can never be the same again,
And each crease will be a reminder, a scar,
Of the pain and torment you went through.
It is your choice whether the scar causes further pain,
Repeating the trauma you went through over and over in your mind’s eye,
Or you see them as life’s rich tapestry,
A sign of your strength
An indicator of who you are,
A lesson learned.

Everyone is a keeper of secrets,
Little white lies
Sometimes big whoppers,
Even telling your child
Santa IS real.
But the most damaging, destructive and toxic
Are those you hide from yourself
Because the pain is too much to bear

Shame arises
When emotional needs
Are not met.
Ignored as a young child,
Misunderstood,
Misinformed,
Misjudged.
Taught you and your needs weren’t important,
Not seen, not heard,
Behave according to their high expectations,
Not be an inconvenience,
Not in the way,
For you,
Your thoughts,
Demands,
Wishes,
Desire,
Intent
Weren’t important.
You believe what this care giver says,
The person most important to you in your life then,
The one with lapsed responsibility,
Supposedly caring for your mental health and well-being,
Who encouraged you to believe you are not worthy.
Learnt to live life apologetically
According to others’ will and demands,
Let others do what they want with you,
While hanging your head in shame.
Enough I say!
Now is the time to change,
To live life for you,
Make demands,
Be unreasonable,
Put yourself first,
Desire,
Throw yourself into what you want to do
With wild abandon,
To live,
Love,
Be,
Do,
With passionate intent
And purpose.

Do not be sad and miserable
because she has
gone.
Rejoice and be happy
for she has
Lived,
And
Loved.
And in so living
She made you
Who you are
Today,
So give thanks and gratitude,
And know
That you will meet
Once again.

Hiding your God-given light
Is a tragedy,
A waste,
A deprivation.
Shine bright
Baby girl
For all the world to see,
And be
Who you are meant to be.

No amount of darkness
Can hide a tiny light.
Having faith enables you to
Shine forth,
Radiate your essence,
Share your brilliance,
Inspire others
Along this journey called life,
For there is nothing
The devil can do to you
When you truly believe.

Should is a crippler,
“You should do this”,
“You should do that”,
“You should think the other”.
According to whom pray tell?
Do they know my mind?
What I’ve been through?
What I’m up to?
Who I am?
Do they have my best interests at heart?
No.
They only serve themselves,
To keep me in the box they have deigned for me,
To live up, or down, to their expectations,
So they can feel superior
And better about themselves.
**** that!
I am me.
This is my life, not yours.
I choose to be and do what I want.
Just because you messed up your life,
Doesn’t give you a right to mess up mine too,
To control me,
Keep me small,
Playing your tune.
So go **** yourself,
For this is me,
I am me,
I do what the **** I want,
With, or without, your approval.

I am so grateful
To those who went before me
Signposting the way,
Patiently,
Over and over,
Until I had the grace to listen
And to learn
And to respond.
And now it is my turn
To repay that kindness,
To pass it forward,
And signpost the way to those behind me
With love, patience and kindness.

There is no ratio of sin,
No sliding scale,
Good is good,
Bad is bad,
Sin is sin,
No matter how big or small.
But have hope!
For all sin is forgiven
When we truly repent.
So pray to your God
Seek forgiveness,
Learn from your mistake,
Then move on,
A better person than whence you start

Sink or swim,
That is the question.
The seductive abyss,
Or the choppy waves,
Which choose you?

The mermaid of the deep
Beckons,
Seductively calling
My name,
“Come hither,
Come rest your weary head”.
No! It’s a lie!
There’s no rest in that direction,
Only torment and pain and confusion.
So reluctantly at first,
I rise above it,
I feast my eyes beyond,
I float,
And swim safely to shore,
Slowly, exhaustedly,
But more
Stronger every time,
I resist the urge
To drown

Like a modern day Sleeping Beauty,
Living 50 years of her life
In a trance like daze,
Oblivious to all,
Viewing the world through the twisted lens and filter
Of a controlling bully.
Learning to be her own worst enemy,
Flagellating herself like a aesthetic,
Living as a timid scurrying mouse
Fearing the light of day,
To a ridiculously enraged roaring lionness protecting her brood.
Awoken from her deep slumber
By Prince Charming’s sweetest gentlest kiss,
She rose to fight another day,
This time standing in her power,
Slaying her enemies,
And all who had kept her playing small
To further their own ends,
Now shining in the glow of her brilliance
Saying “******* one and all,
I am me,
THIS is who I am,
I am proud of what I’ve achieved,
Now I sing my own song,
Dance to my own tune,
Play my own game”,
As she galloped off astride her gallant steed
Amid a swirl of dust
Towards sunset’s rosy glow

Slow down for God’s sake,
Your mind,
Your thoughts,
Your actions,
Notice that around you,
Hear the birds sing,
Smell the roses by the roadside,
Pick up on clues and contrails,
Listen and learn,
Hear first, speak second,
We have two ears and one mouth for a reason,
Do this now,
Before it’s too late

Slowly
Learning and
Understanding and
Becoming
More confident
More assertive
More bad-***
Till you
Can stand
In your power
And no ******
Can come close
To you
Unless you say so

I am humbled by your presence Lord,
Thank you
For revealing yourself to me
And showing me,
Even in times of pain and adversity
That encapsulated my life,
On reflection
You were always there
Always protecting
Always looking after me
Just waiting
Till I was ready to acknowledge You in my life,
And realise I have the strength
To rise above these demons and devilish thoughts
Wanting to drag me back into the abyss
To my comfort zone of familiarity,
But no place for me anymore,
I now choose to release myself from these shackles
And bird cage of a prison
For the door is open
And I now choose to soar
And rejoice in the glory that comes
From accepting You in my life

All my life
Living under a cloud of doom and fear and negativity,
Believing I was deficient in some way,
I’d done something really bad,
But knowing not what.

Guilt now in tatters,
Shame no longer around,
Worry retreating,
As I finally discover
All I’m guilty of
Is being

Socially
Inept!