IT'S BETTER TO LIVE YOUR OWN DESTINY IMPERFECTLY,
THAN TO LIVE AN IMITATION OF SOMEBODY ELSE'S LIFE WITH PERFECTION
-THE BHAGAVAD GITA

A QUICK WORD
I’ve read some MOVING
WORDS
IN REACTION TO MY POETRY…
I don’t seek FAME…
Just to know that ONE POEM…
Could make another persons…
Wheels TURN A BIT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME… THANKS TO YOU ALL…

Supernova
Seeping in your deep haze
When will I rise above
Repenting
In a room full of angels
Where have your
Wings gone so calloused
You are
How deep does
The rabbit hole go
Free of mind
Bleed out my thoughts
Three strikes
Your out
Like a cat with nine lives
No more left
Purge this dungeon
The cruelty in vain
A fabricated version
I’m tired of watching
Shed this skin
Ecdysis my soul
Like a snake
And give me a new coat
One day
My soul will rejoice
The passive aggressiveness
Will falter to smoke
Confessions of
A man who feels more then he should
Too much I overthink
I pray for
My wrong doings and transgressions
Forged in fire
They turned me against my will
Just thee
Tip of the iceberg
Time for a mic drop
A more inviting stage
Extraordinary forces excelled
Against me exceeded my expectations
A pain threshold
With no bounds
What a living object can withstand
Before he finally breaks
The unlimited obstacles
Unhinged toxins of this life  
I’m long overdue rundown like timber
In need of my absolution indeed

The fury
In thee embattled
Moments came
And went without cause or concern
Fabricated me
Engulfing my traumas
Pandora’s box
Took the part
Of me that didn’t belong here
And made it an inferno
My celestial city awaits
And my soul will be comforted
Like never before
Receding censorship
Uneven playing field
Overrun with angst
It’s finally okay
To let go for good
Release the hold of
A troubled lifetime
And give it all to him
Skeleton to dust
A face that once had a name
Now living elsewhere for all eternity Raindrops turned to sunshine
The ash on my forehead no
Longer stings
Fruit from
The wrong tree they fed
Me I ate it
Unapologetically
They helped in my demise
Destroyed my livelihood
******* me up real good
A difficult life I’ve beared
The circles of life
Some far from gratifying
Carved from stone
A stepping stone
One day I’ll ride freely highly above
And have my redemption
Finally absolved of this life
All because of you holy one

ADORE*+
Knowing what I
Do now
Talk about
Bad timing
The debt
I had to repay
Was steep
The reveries
Of my mind
I hold you there to this day
My head it still spinning
What a
Paradise I found in you
Moments
Of pure bliss
You stopped me
Dead in my tracks
I was
Lost without a trace
You gave my life true meaning
And a purpose
It was hard to breathe
After you went away
Your beauty
To my beast
A match made in heaven
God sure knew
What he was doing
When he created you and I
The times I want back
The things I never
Got to say
To see you again
Standing in front of me
Would bring my heart and mind
Such joy
I could never comprehend
Unfortunately you came at a time
That didn’t work
Because I was lost in
My own madness
How could I truly love you properly
When I never loved myself
I owed you more then that
And you deserved so much better
Then me
I will always adore you
To the ends of the earth and beyond
Where ever you might be
Just know that I’m eternally
Grateful for the time we had
I just wish it wouldn’t have
Got cut off sooner then it had too

Decades have
Flown by
Where’s thee proof
Hindsight’s twenty twenty
Help me escape
Ashamed I couldn’t
Have done better
Defeated nothing new
Body traced
Where I lay
If only these walls could talk
Cold bones
False hope
As the lights gone dim
All secrets come to thee surface
Hearts in the flames
One eyes open
Thee others shut
Divided in half
Right down thee middle
Spiritual warfare begins
Spiraling tailwinds
Evil versus good
No neutral ground
As a tug of war ensues
Right and wrong
I’ve always known thee difference
Yet here I am
Maybe the part of me
That stopped caring long ago
Is too blame
For all this
But I point thee finger at others
Always will
This is what they helped create
Caving in
Not knowing which way to turn
A life not lived
Leaves one feeling empty
An impossible mind
Too decipher
Running ramped all over my soul

Haley’s comets
Approaching separating
Matters of fact
Wolfs are howling
A wretched world
That having it’s way with my soul
Looking for someone
To take the keys and drive
Looking for
A purpose outside my wasteland
Too turn the pages forward
For the backstage
Blues to leave my stage
My paper lanterns are
Burning to ashes
Wasting away
In my self absorbed addictions
Inexplicable behaviors
Like a heckler that
Won’t stop talking
Wears me like a
A mask I can’t remove
The demons
In each bottle rattle my cage
After each hit I take
Can’t shake
The stench that permeates
It’s like the acid tears I cry
I see the decaying breath
I breathe counting
Down to the seconds
When the coffin will call
And I will answer
All consuming overwhelming me
Awaiting a revival
For my peaceful recital to start
Dancing in my shadows

Delicate release
All at once
Evaporated
Lingering swells
Envisioning
A sweet ceaseless
Devotion to you
Bottle me up
And throw away
My time capsule
Motionless at sea
Uncharted waters reign
Arsonist
Of my life you’ve done enough harm
Time to blow the flames out
Enough
Of the gallows
That have housed me indefinitely
No more will they
Path of the divine
Show me a better byway
To hell with all this constant
Static and destructive energy  
Pull up the anchor
Put all the criticisms of myself aside
And release me from my sinking ship
Rid me of my decayed baggage
And harmful thoughts
Emotionless indifferences are
Finally settled for good
Let me drift swiftly into your arms
Of forever serenity

Delicate release
All at once
Evaporated
Lingering swells
Envisioning
A sweet ceaseless
Devotion to you
Bottle me up
And throw away
My time capsule
Motionless at sea
Uncharted waters reign
Arsonist
Of my life you’ve done enough harm
Time to blow the flames out
Enough
Of the gallows
That have housed me indefinitely
No more will they
Path of the divine
Show me a better byway
To hell with all this constant
Static and destructive energy  
Pull up the anchor
Put all the criticisms of myself aside
And release me from my sinking ship
Rid me of my decayed baggage
And harmful thoughts
Emotionless indifferences are
Finally settled for good
Let me drift swiftly into your arms
Of forever serenity

My ruptured fantasy
Combustible commotion
Adversary’s are plentiful

Unlimited protection
The enemy
Is out to severe me

Your majesty
I’ve seen your
Handy work first hand

Decaying fossils
Put my puzzle
Back together in some working order

Give me shelter
From
The exertion that ******

Overreaching
Quick to react
The sum of all parts

Is magnetic

Off the charts
Feeling a bit off
My aim must have led me astray

Win lose or draw
Life can really
Do a number on a soul

Tally up the score
And you come up empty

Guidance system
Malfunctions again
A seismic shock

Sends you spiraling
Chain reactions only counter act  
Your balance

One rarely recovers
From certain circumstances in life
Sometimes we don’t

Realize what we have
Until it’s gone forever
Better left untouched

Overrun with grief
The hardest goodbyes
Will shake you

To thee core

Majesty
Grant me complete asylum
From the
Antagonistic events of this realm

Combustion
Adversary’s plentiful
My ruptured fantasy
Unlimited
Protection the enemy
Is out to severe me
Your majesty
I’ve seen your
Handy work first hand
Decaying fossils
Put my puzzle
Back together in
Some working order
Give me
Shelter from
The exertion that ******
Overreaching
Quick to react
The sum
Of all parts is magnetic
Off thee charts
Feeling a bit off
My aim must
Have led me astray
Win lose or draw
Life can really
Do a number on a soul
Tally up the score
And you come up empty
Guidance system
Malfunctions again
A seismic shock
Sends you spiraling
Chain reactions only counter act  
Your balance
One rarely recovers from
Certain circumstances in life
Sometimes we don’t
Realize what we have
Until it’s gone forever
Better left
Untouched
Overrun with grief
The hardest goodbyes
Will shake you
To thee core
Majesty
Grant me complete asylum from
The antagonistic events of this realm

Held up by a crutch
Counting down thee days
Of my demise
My third eyes dwelling  
Over four decades
Of thoughts and memories
That never fade
Piled up
As they continue to evolve
And escalate to unhealthy levels
What’s real is make believe
A better alternative
Rubik’s cubes
Slowly plucking
Away at my sanity
I lay awake
All times of night
Never knowing which
Way I’ll go as the roller coaster
Takes over
The chemicals
In my body
Feel more like poison
Far from comforting
They paralyze me in my tracks  
Where is the real healing at
My mind
Often miss fires
Short circuits
I feel so depressed and blue
Ready to rip my hair out
The happy thoughts
And pleasures last a moment
If I’m lucky
Are quickly replaced
As the bullets fly like no tomorrow
Emotions that run me ramped
Leave me in shambles
Nine times outta ten
Tainted goods I become
A happy go lucky state exterminated
Dopamine trip no where in sight

The static electricity
      Dulled as
The sounds deafened

A bouquet of flowers
     Once wilting
Thrives in the sun now
    
Compassionate positive emotions
     Over time
Became empowered
    A foothold my strong
          Tower

The shivering shades
   Slowly loosened there
             Grip

Cages that once ruffled
         My feathers
      Now my bird flys
          Free

A sensitive subject
    To the core
   No debating that
Manifesting his dreams all
   Rolled into one
Hoping to one day see
  The light of day
   A truer reality
To finally eradicate his tormenting                         BANDWIDTH

Hijacked
Irrational thinking
Heaven forbid
Kinder gestures
Sweet amazing grace
The uninvited guests
I surrendered too
This bloodsport has
Spilled enough blood
Taken enough prisoners
Evading
The trenches
Collapsed doom and gloom
No more harvest moon
Having it’s way
Time to rewrite my story
Alleviate the anxiety
Soften the blows
Make the lyrics
Speak quieter
Soak up my soul in sanity
Soil me in effervescent sunshine
Unpolished I have been
I don’t shine like gold
Few truly do
All the chitter chatter
Has gone to my head
In the smallest of increments
It doesn’t necessarily obliterate
Me to the core
Simple known truth
Behold the changing of thee guard
Maybe finally in progress

Kiss of destruction
The glass
Was always overflowing
It’s not the
Story I would have written
Time was
Stacked against me
Unlimited anger
And a bitterness
That cut so deeply
Became a deadly combination
How was I too
Put the bottle down for good
Escape thee belligerent
******* inside of me
Not self medicate myself
Into oblivion
Kicking and screaming
At the top of my lungs
To no avail
Fighting against the enemy
Losing track of time
The foggy days piled up
Blackout after Blackout
With nothing to show
The shadows that
Danced on my walls and
In my head never let up
I felt like I was going insane
What would it take
To bottle up the alter ego
That trampled all over me
Most of my life
I had to make a choice
Before my life was sacrificed
By my own hands
Put thee bottle down
And turn it all over to someone else
Who could Handle
Thee things I never could
And give myself a chance to live
A better life

IN TODAY'S RUSH WE ALL THINK TOO MUCH, SEEK TOO MUCH, WANT TOO MUCH,
AND FORGET ABOUT THE JOY OF JUST BEING
-ECKHART TOLLE

Fraying
Paper heart cuts
A penny for my thoughts
The sinking feelings
In the back of my head
Swell
Has the quicksand won
Falling short
The hourglass has fallen
Fly on the wall
Shocked
Talking to god
Black butterfly sputters
Stuck in a cocoon
Trying to disguise
The hurting
Defuse the situation
At all cost
Mourning
When the sun
Won’t rise on your street
Advertisements cold and wretched
Far from fake news
From shore to shore
It continues to print tirelessly
Realistically
What exactly
Am I looking at
Head in my hands
All this blasphemy
Nazareth
Paint a prettier scenery
Produce much better results
Someone call a hearse
Inner circle
Who’s pulling the strings
Holy wars
I’m all ears
Dark ballads
Never missed
There mark
They mocked and prodded
Any chance they got
No vacancy sign
Guess it wasn’t bright enough to see
Clearly
Yet you all lived
In my head rent free
Like a bad neighborhood since birth
And I want what I’m owed
Plus back pay
A billboard that should be
Burned to scrap donated elsewhere
Idyll as I am
I’ll take a one way ticket to a new euphoria

Shadow games
How it never went
Disowned
The Devil was out to
Get me
My sweet surrender
That may or may not
Show it’s face
Couldn’t come fast enough
I’d have to learn
Things the hard way
If you open up
Pandora’s box
Eventually there will be
A chain reaction of events
Running mach five
With my hair on fire
Trying to fill
The voids
In search
Of a friend a quick fix
And one sip
From the chalice
And I was hooked
As the poison turned me upside down
Complete control was granted  
The repercussions would become
An overkill of sorts
Eventually do a number on
Me next place I’d hit
Is rock bottom
The cold lonely
Nights behind the bottles
Amounted to nothing
The emptier I became
Looking to fill the shelf’s
In need of some real company
As I numbed myself
To no avail
Rejections the absence
Of true love
Filled my heart with hatered
How could I ever truly
Love another
When I hated myself with a passion
I just wanted to blanket
Myself and numb out a world
That didn’t feel right
And to top it off
How badly I was bleeding inside
Really made hurting that much worse
Harder to even breathe
With no end in sight

Pale moon light
The catacombs
Missed there mark
Simulations downgraded
Shocked energies
Truth serums
Singled me out
Running endlessly through
My veins
When will the novocaine
Fully activate
Mercy show me
A little compassion
Connecting the dots
Vortexes in a fiery
The whirlwinds
I saw coming yet
Couldn’t get out of the way of  
A clarity I wish I could taste
That leaves no doubts
No stone unturned
Wait I take that back
Leave them in the ground
Enormous wounds
Lapses in the brightness
Uttering carelessly
No ill will
Intended yet
Poorly executed delivery
Your lips
Are moving
Yet your voice
Is barely coherent
Escape hatch
Buried deep in the tunnels
Of this hectic animation
Locked from the inside
A stranger housed in a black lagoon
Prowls like a lost soul
Where is his gatekeeper
Creatures of the night
The degrees of separation
Can’t seem to
Change me fast enough
Hollow out whatever good still hides
Like a stranger inside his skin
A one off
With enough blemishes to
Make me honesty question my true nature

Sleight of hand
Diagrams only
Confused
The many regrets basking
In a hand basket
Trying to stay warm
A smoking gun
That never missed
The kiss of death
Our long fought history that stained
Ace of spades
It’s best to just let it be
Game over
That dog won’t hunt anymore
The sun went
Down on us
Long ago
And I realize
There’s absolutely no
Turning back zero chance
Fabricated you and I
We may be blood
But we are far from
A perfect oneness
But what we had
Was never truly genuine
In my eyes a made up lie
To help us feel better
About the true likeness a
Maternal bond  
The differences that cloned
Between us
My hearts bitter
And my walls went up
To shield me from you
And the sick and twisted games
The theatre you held me in
Like a puppet
I was sick of the hurt
The way you dragged me
Through the mud
I find myself resenting you
Far to much
And I don’t want to be reminded
Of you and thee
Hatchet that will never be buried
Between us not in this lifetime

BYGONE
Wasted filth
No glory in my wrath
Game set match
No one’s gonna save
Me from the memories that haunt
The anxieties swelled
My body’s telling
Me to take a deep breath
And relax if only
A young lad wet
Behind the ears
How could I possibly
Call the shots
My innocence was
Wrongfully exposed
If my fate
Was predetermined I was doomed
Then the limelight
Could never suit
Me well
Give me a side juncture of my own
I’d just like to feel comfortable
In my own shoes for a change
Bitter in the lens
Serious buyers remorse
Self acceptance
Is a very difficult chore
To be myself would be
A beautiful thing
Only wish I felt that way
Knew how to inflate happier
Energy into my deflated body
But what I encountered from childhood
Has the makeup of a hay
Wired mainframe
Caught in a frenzy
The darker side
Was laid in verse
Far from a yellow brick road
Accepting the unacceptable
Never amounted to much
The brick walls
I tried too build
To shield my soul
Numbing as the addictions grew
Coming to grips enraged thee
Unlocking the painful
Past
That I’ve never been immune from
Self sabotage swerved rapidly
They tell me to grow up
When I wasn’t given the
Chance too
Walking in step hoping the ground
Doesn’t cave beneath me
Throwing wood on the fire
Hoping the gasoline won’t
Ignite into an inferno
Wanting to experience some
Authentic moments worth relishing
Later in adulthood
Who are they to tell
Me who or what I am
Can or can’t do
Bygone if only I could take back
What was mine
The years they all stole
They had zero right in doing so
Yet they gladly did

Magnetic
A ugly grin
Not of my canvas
Superman
To my kryptonite
If there’s no tomorrow
Life’s been
A hard pill
To swallow
After all I’m only human
Flesh and bone
Eventually ashes in a box
I’ve felt sick
But that doesn’t even begin to tell
The full story
Cringing in agony
Imaging an alternative universe
More times then not
Overwhelmed
Handicapped by my own mind
I’ve gone head
Too head with thee worst
This so called place has to offer
Thee violent
Mood swings can
Be so brutal
The highest of highs
Quickly become thee opposite
Where’s the middle ground at
A catatonic state leads to
Def con five moments
Straight down the rabbit hole
You begin to fall
Buckle up
Making life hard to navigate
It’s not right by any means of thee
Imagination

Unlocking the hurt
How much
Can one truly take
Nobody’s god
Ever saved you from yourself
Pennies for a dime
Glaring needs
Current state of things
Never judge
A book by it’s cover
Can’t seem
To find a melody
Beauty’s in thee
Eye of the beholder
We hide behind are masks
In plain site to feel important
To fit in to what
Create a world that’s fake
So we can escape the true realities
Of life
And not expose are selfs
To the harder sadder truths
What really matters
The things we hate thee most
Become us
Like a game of cat and mouse
Who really wins in the end
Life seems like giant game of charades
Where everyone can feel
Like a winner when they really aren’t

Opposites attract
Chokehold undone
I’ve scaled
Mountains
And seen the bottom
Of barrels
Patience lacking in abundance
Instant gratification
Only harmed
My ego
Frustrations came a roaring
Held me back
Stoic to a degree
I’m still here
Aren’t I
Sensitive to thee touch
I’ve always worn
My pain on my sleeves
I’ve cried I’ve bled
My scars they show regardless
If you stair deeply
Into my hazel eyes
You could see right inside
The depths I’ve treaded water in
Stubborn like a piece
Of metal
I rarely shine
Bend but you can’t
Completely break
I’m not made of glass
Yet I’ve had to be
Put back together many times
To this day still being
Crafted by the chisel above
Hopefully one day
A glowing reflection a spitting
Image of you
One could only hope

Sacrificing
My well being
Roll of the dice
Stoic to a degree
A heavy price
Was paid
Misplaced pictures
Passing time
Never put my mind at ease
My youth
And all between
Wildfires wiped
Me out
Waking up
Became such a heavy burden
For thee
Longest time
I was far from okay
Yet no one knew
Just how badly I was hurting
Inside but me
Holding on for dear life
You held me together
The pain
Piled up tell it overflowed
Guess it had to go
Somewhere after
The dam finally burst
The nap sack I carried
Around outweighed anything
You could ever imagine
Or ever want to experience
First hand
But eventually the past
Washed away into another tributary
And my life raft took me a shore
To better days I wouldn’t trade for anything

Master to my slave
Taking your
Sweet *** time
False demonstrations overpowered
Glass elevators shattered
Misleading vibes
Wrong floor
Levers I should
Have never pulled
A right of passage
That wasn’t laid out properly
Denied my privilege of free reign
I died a
Thousand times over
Fantasies a fake reality
Could I ever over empathize
That enough
There’s an absolute difference
Take a look around
I need an out route
A backdoor to salvation
Shield me
From my outer self
The holes in my chest
An absolute savageness
That this life has served up
Many a sins that ravaged
If you don’t reveal another
Thing that would be quite
Extraordinary to me
Be my one and only cloak
A way to be revitalized
In another universe
Everything’s out
Of focus keep me in your sight
Conceal me till thee time runs out here
Could it be
The whole time
I’ve been here trying
To convince myself of anything else
That the pale moon light
Has danced in my head like a evil heathen often does

Peaking in and out
A trip inside
Your head
Isn’t always a pleasant one
Feels more like a permanent state
Sadness knows
No bounds
Doesn’t stop for anyone
Without command on a dime
It’s always there
Thee wheels are turning
Contemplating
The end of my run
Here on earth feels like it’s
Coming to a close
Sooner rather then later
You’ll never
Get what makes me sad
Thee blues came
Calling again
Heavy rains
Flooded my mind and heart
Just like before
I’m too tired to care
Blistered to thee core
And the gas tank is almost
On empty
I wanna wake up somewhere else
In a majestic place
I’ve never seen before
Dance with wildflowers
Run freely in green pastures
With thee lilies
Ride off into thee sunset
Once and for all
Have my name called
And watch the sunrise from thee heavens above
Like a cloud of ash spread on a seashore
**** evaporated into thin air
Now you’ve gone on your way
Be still and free broken man
You’ll no longer have too hurt
Rest peacefully and find comfort
In knowing that fact
Thee lord will set you free when
He’s good and ready

Bottoms up
Even the chaos
Can speak
A striking
Resemblance shows face
Quieter clusters similar
Cut the
Umbilical cord
Like an umbrella
Drowned out at sea
Music box
Priceless inheritance
Yet the gold is rusting
Reprinting making anew
The fraudulent tones
Fading harmony
Fallen star
Not far behind
The distance between
You can’t fathom
Losing my reality
Swinging from
My pendulum
Pressure cooker
I held my breath to long
It almost buried me
Wiping sweat
From my brow
Deceived by the notions
The lacking of understanding
What’s two feet in front of me
Miscellaneous acquaintances
Mis calculations
Add up
Backfired in a positive light
Patiently awaiting a revival

The startled of frozen,
like a soul's been tasered
a bridge apart to flee,
No wild to be comforted
in homeless of the sheltered,
Mumbling back streets,
of fallacy of the demons.
Anger of a sign "no exit."
Trying but each day's wasted
in my father's shameful eyes,
I have nothing left to say,
flicking pebbles before it rains,
haphazard movement of trains,
I just wish to jump in front of in.


(Jay Jelly)

Swinging from
My pendulum
Pressure cooker
Held my breath
It almost buried me
Wiping sweat
From my brow
Deceived by the notions
The lacking of understanding
What’s two feet in front of me
Miscellaneous calculations
Backfired

(RGH)

The start of misery,
a child's woken ears
to hairy situation
of startled fears.
I'll barely consciously
barely able to weep
in ****** of history.

I whispered my secrets
to darkness of demons,
became my possession
and my repressions
Anger was silence,
and peace was a fleet,
bobbing up in the bay,
and I vision it to this day.

(Jay Jelly)

Bottoms up
Even the chaos
Can speak
A striking
Resemblance shows face
Quieter clusters similar
Cut the
Umbilical cord
Like an umbrella
Drowned out at sea
Music box
Priceless inheritance
Yet the gold is rusting
Reprinting making anew
The fraudulent tones
Fading harmony
Fallen star
Not far behind
The distance between
You can’t fathom
Losing my reality
Swinging from
My pendulum
Pressure cooker
I held my breath to long
It almost buried me
Wiping sweat
From my brow
Deceived by the notions
The lacking of understanding
What’s two feet in front of me
Miscellaneous acquaintances
Mis calculations
Add up
Backfired in a positive light
Patiently awaiting a revival
A duet piece between Jay Jelly and myself.

COMPARTMENTALIZING
Aimlessly catapulting
Mug shot
Tug of war
Capitulating
Dark signs
Gazing bright lights
Gaining momentum
Like a game of charades
An angel without wings
Masquerading
On a ferris wheel straight to hell
The ******
That life threw in
My direction
Like a molotov cocktail  
Watered down sorrows
A lonelier soul
Build me a barrier
To keep the sharks at bay
Holy water tides
Shield me in your grips
My vesper amelioration
Please listen to
My desperate pleas
My calls for you
Triumph and pain
Conquered at last
Melodramatic passages
My upper echelon
Oh how I could savor it
My shrine became
Deconstructed slowly but surly
Discomforting recollections
I could pick
Your savageness out of a lineup
Daedric the face of a demon
Who inhabited my spaces
And violated me
My psychological warfare
Damaged me to a slow *******
Conflicting thoughts
Deconstructed me
I’m in a maze for life
Of unrecognizable things
Like a bad trip
Around the globe
Separating illusions
From actual facts
Is truly the issue at hand
Compartmentalizing way more
The one should have too
Saturated in a unhealthy environment
I always have been

Pop the cork
And unleash
All your sorrows

Housed in plexiglass

Knee deep
In the times
That evaded me

Border line insane
Not centered
You reap what you sow

I’d rather be more grounded  

No amount
Of love here
Could seal up my seeping wounds

The glowing embers
Oh how
I wish I cloud erase them

Digging up dirt
Diving in head first pilling
Up on top of me

As I wish upon a star

Am I all out of wishes
Maybe one day
The agony will dissipate

Every which way I look
Starving for
Something greater then me

When will my shoes
Finally fit properly
Always searching

For a simpler alternative
To my mind
Of madness  

It’s amazing what you
Can get used too
A rugged complexion

That’s hard to understand
Resembling anything
That I’ve been unable

To translate into something readable

Pop the cork
And unleash
All your sorrows
Housed in
Plexiglass
Knee deep in
The times
That evaded me
Border line insane
Not centered
You reap what you sow
I’d rather be
More grounded
No amount of love here
Could seal up my seeping wounds
The glowing embers
Oh how
I wish I cloud erase them
Digging up dirt
Diving in head first pilling
Up on top of me
As I wish upon
A star am I all out of wishes
Maybe one day
The agony will dissipate
Every which
Way I look
Starving for
Something greater then me
When will my shoes finally
Fit properly
Always searching for
A simpler alternative to
My mind of madness
It amazing what you can get used too
A rugged complexion
That’s hard to understand
Resembling
Anything that I’ve been unable
To translate into something readable

Untamed
Born I died
Checkmate
Lock and key
Lack luster
Picket signs
No longer on strike
A proper entity  
Hell in a hand basket
Passed down
Ideally mine
Life rewritten
My Neon grave
Future tripping never
Achieved anything
Salivating
Constellations
Apples to oranges dissident
That which I inherited
Coercion backfired
If I could play god
Even conceive the thought
Entertain the power
To act out on my own
Create my own life
How selfish of me
Hypothetically
Traveling back I would have written
A magnificent story
My perfect scenario
Wrapped up neatly in swine
If I’d had a say
I would have laid
Out a much better path
Heck I’d probably have been gone a
Long long time ago
I’ve always over conceptualized
The life I never had
My own death mattered more to me
Rather then run a sprint
And find the finish line to my marathon

Way past pleasantries
Incoming dissension
Hold your applause
Zero gravity
Let me down slowly
A smoking gun
Is that my true fate
Far from a truce
Is it really necessary
At this point
Chemical reactions
Malfunctions are far to common
In my spaces
Refraining my next move
Could be my last
Paper lanterns burning in the distance
Empty chairs
Become very ordinary
Anticipating where
My pain will hit me the most
Misdirected
Unfortunately
It’s my own to bare
Why the hell can’t it ease up
Even a little
Serenity oh how I
Wish you’d sweep me up
And wrap me in your tender arms  
Where exactly
Can I find that kind for comfort here
I’ve all but given up on
Because I can’t tune out
Control the noise levels that
Run lividly through me
Because maybe in this life
I just don’t deserve it
And I’ve just accepted that fact
That maybe
I’ve just had bad luck
Along the way
When others should have been
Paying attention
Instead they ran the other direction
And
I’ve been confiscated by
My own impersonator for an ample period

Smug haymakers
Paint the skies red
You could cut the tension
Like a hot knife through flesh
The demise
That’s long overdue
***** little
Whispers tattered
And beaten down
Life then death
Tomorrow everything
Becomes extinct
Is this all
Pretend or just
A bad dream we can’t wake from  Point of no return
No concern
For the ultimate consequences
Hatred comes
In all shapes and sizes
In plain sight
Clear as the end days that are coming Remedies without
A real cure
The devils in the tinniest details
Hear the roar
Of the mighty beast
As the carnage takes hold
Along with the heathens
Who walk in line
Who or what
Is going to save
Us from ourselves
The propaganda that’s been
Spread for generations
The lying and brainwashing
Straight to there faces
How can a good majority
Be so gullible
Spilled like the bloodshed of the Innocent
Plenty of chaos to follow
This world Is staring death
In the face
A sad judgement day for most
Rotting in hell
But we’ve already seen it all
Here for decades
So most here probably could care less
Isn’t there a better alternative
Fear the reaper
Armageddon will eventually show its face
When the earth swallows
Humanity whole
All that’s left resembles
Smoke clouds a haze of infernos
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
Hell on earth then oblivion
The purest evil that lures
A unavoidable chaos
All the bad apples that didn’t
Fall far from the tree
And the armies of lunacy
How dare them all here’s to thee end

Disturbing my
Fallen dream state became
A wreckage of dire
Consequences it all hits all at once
A heavy fog
Hysterical cerebral influxes
Intensify lead to
Busted minutes
Lost in a spiral of timeless energy
Spaces so unnerving
Shed this horror of a shadow
Beside me
Sew me up and mend
My fallen soul
Mazes of mirrors folding chairs
Breaking
Ring of fire
Let me find my secret garden
Hide me from the darkness that hovers
Eternal distress of flesh and bone
That fought me to the brink
Taught me to hate myself
Wish it wouldn’t have last
More then the first unsettling moment
Defective I never intended to be  
Yet I became none thee less

Damning feeble attempts
Inner caves
Dwelling
Time to bury the entrance
In dirt

Trapped inside the
Checks and balances
Bouncing like a ball without air

Like the
Bad precipitations of
My inner sanctum

Flogging like a dead drum
Beating
Detoxing from the over
Stimulations

The roadblocks that
Imbedded
As the
Paper tigers stampeded
All over me

The vipers would soon sink
There teeth in
The closer I got to the light

A ledge would
Suddenly appear
Out of nowhere

Wouldn’t do me any favors
I’m a deep feeler always
In need of a reboot
A cleansing detoxification

Back porch blues
I’m seeing ghosts
Skimming through
The pages
Burning bridges
Searching
For glory in my hell
Unaccompanied
Guilty innocence
What a pity
Had it all stripped just like that  
Orphaned
That look in your
Eyes that echos in pain
The sad little
Boy who cried
Wolf and no one came
Running to save him
How could his parents
Be so cruel
Abandon him in the direst
Of moments
That would shape the sands
Of time
What would the future hold
Wish I would have never known
The answers to that
Now a man struggling
With what ifs
All I wanted was to be a boy
And enjoy my childhood
Wondering where all the time went
Wasting away
In the distant cries  
Of a youth that took me under with it

Grand ole opry
Stand ovations
Daydreaming out loud  
Cross cut
Notifications
The who what
And when
Expose
Etched out of clay
When will the
Corners be neatly folded
My revelry escape decor
Hall of mirrors
A round about trip
Titled grin in permanent marker
Paper airplanes
Grounded
Fermentation
Senseless behaviors
My minds like
A sponge
The perpetual crutch
It’s so disabling
In every
Single word I feel
The breath you breathe
Burning desires
To welcome in
Some kind of a revelation
Second guessing
Human natures
So confusing
Like a conduit raining
Down hell
Authentication code
I forgot my pin
The raspy
Schizophrenic tendencies
Paddles to the head
Shockwaves ensue
Branding the crippling pain
Even more
Send in backup if you would
Like a volcano
Ready to erupt
Spiraling stair cases
In my head
Fare no better
When will the ink
Run dry like a desert
Divert it’s course
On someone else’s lap
When will the drawbacks
Be turned right side up

Vacant room
Guardian angels
Gone

Lioness is preying
My watchful eye is piercing
Unlock this spell

Gate keeper
Keep her at bay
As cold thoughts glare

Obstacle course
Is challenging
Variety and grace
Finding your footing

Reveries like
Fireworks
That don’t feel as spectacular

What if I
Roamed this planet
Alone in my mind
Made all the rules

The pinholes
Light couldn’t penetrate
Yesterdays episodes drenched
Me in
There terrors

Lived for anyone
But me  
Today’s a little easier
To flow

Still that little nagging
Voice stirs
Up trouble in the shadows

Steadily I am
Dredging my shores
One day at a time

And can almost
Bring my ship safely back
To port

Unrighteousness
Inlayed
Woven into me
I had to put the misery
Out to pasture
Target practice almost buried me
The blood sweat
And tears became entwined
Null in void  
Like the fiddler
On my roof banished
Beyond liberating
As the prisons crumbled
Fortresses and barriers fared
No better collapsed
Could no longer hold
Me at there own request
Consume elsewhere
Find a new enemy
Identifying a better reality
Taking a bite of
The right fruit for once
Endless chapters
Non fiction roared
Like the sad fables of yesterdays
They might still be screaming
But I’m not listening
Not my kind of scripture
I didn’t have
Enough tools on my belt
To cope properly
Until he shined down on my sadness
Eventually I started easing towards
Something more graceful

Daylight ends
Caught between
A rock and a hard place
To close for comfort
Save yourself
Wicked evolution
The dark of me
Never my choice
Hell welcomed
Me with open arms  
And poured vials
Of lifeless feelings into my soul
Depression soon followed
Cold and down
On my luck
The stains that never fade
That which doesn’t
**** you only makes
You stronger
Feed the wolf some more
Add fuel to the fire
The animal within continually hovers
Lying to myself
Wallowing in
My self hatred
Coma blues became all I knew
Screaming loudly
That sinking
Feeling in the pit of my stomach
That wouldn’t budge
Walls that housed my consciousness
As I walked
With blinders on
Stuck in my tunnel of nothingness
Guess it was just easier
To sulk in my sadness
It became an addiction
To just give in and give up
Then to stand tall and fight
The endless halls
That shed my skin
And wore me down
Only made me fearless
As I carved a new path
Against
That which I thought I was powerless against me

Walls are closing in
My wings
Have been clipped
Tunnel vision
Remembering has
Always been my biggest flaw
Boughs down
The grounds shaking
Evil spirits grinning
A waking hell
The mainframes
Been compromised
The fury has just begun
A lackluster life
All due to my polluted mind
Like a sick disease
Where’s my cure at
The real me is in hiding
I’ve never seen him before
When will the madness cease to exist
Waiting till thee ghost is clear
Will the storm clouds ever
Pass completely
Pretending to be okay
Someone else just doesn’t suit me
Entwined the light and the dark
Where’s the compromise
The colors are fading
In my world what’s real
And make believe is beyond me

Nirvana
Hands wiped clean
Sins torched
Debt free
Where the flesh and bone
Went to die
An atmosphere
Like no other
Paradise on a mountain top
Thee all mighty one
Is patiently waiting
He doesn’t pick a side
Where the angels inhabit
And the devils not allowed
Not a care
In thee world
Basking in the clarity
Victory at last
It’s not always about the journey
But the final destination
Should make you glamour for more
Moments stuck in a time capsule
Pushed out to sea
Just leave them where they may
The perfect rain
When thee winds
Stop howling
And all that’s left
Is the bright light of thee sun
Then I’ll know I’ve finally arrived
Home sweet home
Better late then never
Sweeter then anything
I could have ever imagined  
Where have you been hiding
All these years
Right before my hazel eyes
Behind those bright blue clouds in the sky
Enunciate my soul vast universe
And let me stay a while
There will be no more tears in heaven

Travesties ignited
Fractured as
Life hammered away
Like a sad song on repeat
Apologies like raindrops
They never stuck
Forgiving has always
Been one of my
Biggest obstacles
Maybe one day I can find it in myself
Like the decompressing
Headaches
I needed an outlet
Couldn’t see it till now
Reliving the same ole stories
How the heck
Can you shake such a rut
As the insanity set in
He saw
The best in me despite my flaws
Yet I continued
To label myself a fraud
Life hadn’t taught
Me any better
Betrayals like the wounds
That never go away
And I’ll always live with
The shame that wore
Me like a wholly sweater
But it doesn’t have to define
My whole story
I’m never proud
Admitting the truths
That should never be murmured
Outside these walls
Numbing myself never accomplished
Much in life
Life burnt through me
Like a pack of smokes
I finally put down for good
As the dim light came to daylight
I had an epiphany get out of your own
Way and start living
Or get busy dying a little faster

EYE IN THE SKY
Shape of
My heart
Tug of war
Torn to pieces no longer
I’ve waited here
For you
Unspoken
All things are possible
In what I can’t see
With my own two hazel eyes
Stand up fight thee
Good fight
Survival of the
Fittest  
No time for wasting away
Seeing is
Believing
One spark
Changed it all
Life finally begins
Better late then
Never
I’d almost given
Up on myself
A life I thought
I could never have
For myself
Came to be
Landed in my lap somehow
Closed my eyes
Took a leap of faith
Learned to fly
And trusted in something I’ll
Never fully understand
Took a leap of faith
And learned to live again
Redemption never
Tasted so sweet
Full speed ahead
Cup overflowing
No turning back around
Thee past is dead
Gone without a second thought
Or care for that matter
Living in the here and now
Never felt so satisfying
Alive finally free to be
Who I truly am

Convicted
You had zero remorse
Hijacked before me
You stole
What was rightfully mine
A calculated move
I woke from
A stupor
My derailing train jumped
Thee tracks
It just had to be
Me a splitting
Image of you
Your dark
Gospel cast a spell
I needed a recourse
Swinging for
The fences never
Added up
Duplicated you and I
What a shame
A white picket storyline
Wrapped up neatly in a bow
Where is my happy ending
Fact or fiction
Secondhand smoke
I should be
Six feet under
As the
Red moon burns
Disintegrates whatever’s left
I haven’t a clue
Only adds too
The pure distain I’ve felt
That’s plagued me
Has slowly ate away at my soul
The lore of wrong
That has glued itself to me
My immoral compass
I lost my direction
Before I ever knew which way to go
A mythical creature
I became
Some lie made up of everyone’s else’s
Body of work
Wipe the slate clean
And tell my a real story for once
The absolute truth
And keep your tireless fables for yourself

Impoverished
Wind chimes
Clacking
Countless endeavors
No longer intruding
Sweet surrender embraces
Me in it’s fold
Thoughts no longer
On a loop
A one track mind cleansed
Let a precise gentle energy
Find me a peaceful
Place to rest my head
A quiet orchard
As stars gaze in the background
Let my weary body recharge
As the clocks
Continuously tick to a different
Frequency
On off switch is fixed
As the hand
That’s been rocking my
Cradle is at ease
Far from physically exhausted
Compliment me in some
Priceless ZEN
The dense
Quiet I’ve been searching
For as my head
Hits the fluffy pillow
Mentally it’s been exhausting
Running a marathon at full sprint
Taken aback by the faint syllables
That sing me lullabies to sleep
And this is just the beginning

Black matter
A sickness over ran me
Alive despite it all
Tunnel vision followed
The blisters had ****** me up
Locked down
Where was I
Lost at sea
I wandered this earth
A fool clueless
As to what I was doing
Wasting away inside
Staring at thee same
Screen got me nowhere
Tripping over my own two feet
There had to be another way
Faithful one master of thee universe
I searched you out
Then you appeared
You spoke to me
Like no one ever had
And yet you where there all along
Forward carrying on
I’d rather break bread with you
Then try and figure this
Out all on my own
Because I know I can’t

Replicated
Never duplicated
Leaning forward
Tumbling
Twelve steps backwards
Backhand blues
Struck me again
Omitting me
From me
Etched in
Braille yet
Somehow I understand
My own language
The crowded streets
Forged in my head
I wish I could unplug them
Yet they are the reason
I create with such flawlessness
Shivers in the
Tiniest crevasses
I’ve come to grips
With my psyche
And the abilities to express
Myself differently
The plethora of ideas
That run at mach speed
Fire on all cylinders
I just try my
Best too keep them all at bay
Yet it can’t seem too
And create something anew
Stuck in a daze
My happiest place
The juices never stop flowing
Like a finger
Pulling the pin from
A hand grenade explosion
Writing seems to be
My only true coping mechanism
In every situation
It all feels so relatable
Despite the hectic frustrations
That run me over at times
You will never see another me
I’m far from imitation
It’s only me trying to find
My true meaning in life
Yet maybe I already have