ADORE*+
Knowing what I
Do now
Talk about
Bad timing
The debt
I had to repay
Was steep
The reveries
Of my mind
I hold you there to this day
My head it still spinning
What a
Paradise I found in you
Moments
Of pure bliss
You stopped me
Dead in my tracks
I was
Lost without a trace
You gave my life true meaning
And a purpose
It was hard to breathe
After you went away
Your beauty
To my beast
A match made in heaven
God sure knew
What he was doing
When he created you and I
The times I want back
The things I never
Got to say
To see you again
Standing in front of me
Would bring my heart and mind
Such joy
I could never comprehend
Unfortunately you came at a time
That didn’t work
Because I was lost in
My own madness
How could I truly love you properly
When I never loved myself
I owed you more then that
And you deserved so much better
Then me
I will always adore you
To the ends of the earth and beyond
Where ever you might be
Just know that I’m eternally
Grateful for the time we had
I just wish it wouldn’t have
Got cut off sooner then it had too

BYGONE
Wasted filth
No glory in my wrath
Game set match
No one’s gonna save
Me from the memories that haunt
The anxieties swelled
My body’s telling
Me to take a deep breath
And relax if only
A young lad wet
Behind the ears
How could I possibly
Call the shots
My innocence was
Wrongfully exposed
If my fate
Was predetermined I was doomed
Then the limelight
Could never suit
Me well
Give me a side juncture of my own
I’d just like to feel comfortable
In my own shoes for a change
Bitter in the lens
Serious buyers remorse
Self acceptance
Is a very difficult chore
To be myself would be
A beautiful thing
Only wish I felt that way
Knew how to inflate happier
Energy into my deflated body
But what I encountered from childhood
Has the makeup of a hay
Wired mainframe
Caught in a frenzy
The darker side
Was laid in verse
Far from a yellow brick road
Accepting the unacceptable
Never amounted to much
The brick walls
I tried too build
To shield my soul
Numbing as the addictions grew
Coming to grips enraged thee
Unlocking the painful
Past
That I’ve never been immune from
Self sabotage swerved rapidly
They tell me to grow up
When I wasn’t given the
Chance too
Walking in step hoping the ground
Doesn’t cave beneath me
Throwing wood on the fire
Hoping the gasoline won’t
Ignite into an inferno
Wanting to experience some
Authentic moments worth relishing
Later in adulthood
Who are they to tell
Me who or what I am
Can or can’t do
Bygone if only I could take back
What was mine
The years they all stole
They had zero right in doing so
Yet they gladly did

COMPARTMENTALIZING
Aimlessly catapulting
Mug shot
Tug of war
Capitulating
Dark signs
Gazing bright lights
Gaining momentum
Like a game of charades
An angel without wings
Masquerading
On a ferris wheel straight to hell
The ******
That life threw in
My direction
Like a molotov cocktail  
Watered down sorrows
A lonelier soul
Build me a barrier
To keep the sharks at bay
Holy water tides
Shield me in your grips
My vesper amelioration
Please listen to
My desperate pleas
My calls for you
Triumph and pain
Conquered at last
Melodramatic passages
My upper echelon
Oh how I could savor it
My shrine became
Deconstructed slowly but surly
Discomforting recollections
I could pick
Your savageness out of a lineup
Daedric the face of a demon
Who inhabited my spaces
And violated me
My psychological warfare
Damaged me to a slow *******
Conflicting thoughts
Deconstructed me
I’m in a maze for life
Of unrecognizable things
Like a bad trip
Around the globe
Separating illusions
From actual facts
Is truly the issue at hand
Compartmentalizing way more
The one should have too
Saturated in a unhealthy environment
I always have been

EYE IN THE SKY
Shape of
My heart
Tug of war
Torn to pieces no longer
I’ve waited here
For you
Unspoken
All things are possible
In what I can’t see
With my own two hazel eyes
Stand up fight thee
Good fight
Survival of the
Fittest  
No time for wasting away
Seeing is
Believing
One spark
Changed it all
Life finally begins
Better late then
Never
I’d almost given
Up on myself
A life I thought
I could never have
For myself
Came to be
Landed in my lap somehow
Closed my eyes
Took a leap of faith
Learned to fly
And trusted in something I’ll
Never fully understand
Took a leap of faith
And learned to live again
Redemption never
Tasted so sweet
Full speed ahead
Cup overflowing
No turning back around
Thee past is dead
Gone without a second thought
Or care for that matter
Living in the here and now
Never felt so satisfying
Alive finally free to be
Who I truly am

FORFEIT
My talisman
Didn’t show itself
Wasn’t effective enough
Ball and chain
Invalid and rough
Too close for comfort
To little too late
I knew better
But it didn’t seem
To bother them
Pardon me
If I just cant get passed it
How could I
Ever ignore that which
Can’t be forgotten
Forgiven at any extent
Because I’m certainly
Not as powerful as you
Speak to me
In tongues and
Stop the distorted screams
That fill my air
Obstinate I’m to stubborn
To know any better
You could never
Sew up the mistakes
That were on display
I was just a young boy
On display a man far from
A different anatomy
Why was I not so fortunate
My DNA was noxious  
Miscarriage why did you
Bring me here  
What if my head
Was empty
Separated from my body
Who or what could hold
Me back down then
Guide me into a different frequency
A world that’s a bit calmer
And forfeit any record of me having been here

SELF-EXPRESSION
Cosmic ebb and flows
Missed the mark
Light years away
Thirsty for
My eternal sunshine
Foreshadowing hunger
In the background
The cold sheets
I lay in
The bad neighborhood
Between my ears
Like a riddle
I am
Trapped inside a maze
One foot in front
Of thee other
Oh how that would be so swell
Evil auras
Spells that were cast
I always saw
Them coming
They sent chills up my spine
Guess I couldn’t change
Direction fast enough
To get out of there way
Can you all
See me from
The mountain top
Landslides
Come in all forms
I see the pain
In which I write with
The tidal waves
That rule
The insanity of my blues
Are they truly all my fault
I rarely
Like company that I can tolerate
Let that of my own
It would be nice to be heard
Recognized by someone other
Than me
Felt adored once in while
Because I show myself
Very little love if any praise
I’ve always fallen
Flat felt like a caged animal
My one true voice
As unpleasant as it often is
Brings me a little hope and joy
An escape for a few moments
A way outta my head
Poetry my one and only therapy

INFINITE
Unlike any other
Praying aloud
A star
I was wishing upon
Ironic shores
Shadows die
In the limelight
An awakening refreshes thee soul
Fiddler on the roof
No matter the cost
My precipice
Of bad dreams
And omens
Has fluttered to an end
Judgment day has come
Floods of lights
Give me back my sight
Sunshine’s like no other
Warms me to the core
Swing open the pearly gates
As I’m finally rolled into one peace
All that was lost
Time never did me
Any favors
What ever
I was
Was not the
Intended outcome never meant
To be anything more
Bathing
In your cherished glory
Fleeing my untimely horizons
All the madness
Runs a flow
Holy water cleanses
Me off my beaten path
Holding back the tears
Have I finally arrived
Ready to reveal my true self
Letting go of everything
Rebooting in your infinite house
Of astonishment walking along
Right beside you still

MANIA MY WAKING DREAM
Tragically
The twisted romance
That’s fizzled out
I’ve played
A part in making
Make believing
So compelling it
Almost had me convinced
Facing actual data
Told me the complete opposite
Life sold me out
To the highest bidder me
A constant causality
Fake applause
Death rattle
Catatonic pressures
Fables lye idle  
When will
Thee feelings pass
Honestly I’ve stopped caring
When will my mind and body
Finally catch up
As the real world
Overlaps with fantasy
What’s left over I’ll take the latter
Overlapping dream scapes
The vividness dips it’s fingers in me
It was as if
You were standing
Right there
Then I reached to grab hold
Of you and you vanished like a ghost
Why did you not recuse me
Instead you left me here
Subconsciously unaware
Of my surroundings
Quickly I awoke
From my continual waking dream
Realizing it is what it is meh
The mania running wild again

SELF-EXPRESSION
Cosmic ebb and flows
Missed the mark
Light years away
Thirsty for
My eternal sunshine
Foreshadowing hunger
In the background
The cold sheets
I lay in
The bad neighborhood
Between my ears
Like a riddle
I am
Trapped inside a maze
One foot in front
Of thee other
Oh how that would be so swell
Evil auras
Spells that were cast
I always saw
Them coming
They sent chills up my spine
Guess I couldn’t change
Direction fast enough
To get out of there way
Can you all
See me from
The mountain top
Landslides
Come in all forms
I see the pain
In which I write with
The tidal waves
That rule
The insanity of my blues
Are they truly all my fault
I rarely
Like company that I can tolerate
Let that of my own
It would be nice to be heard
Recognized by someone other
Than me
Felt adored once in while
Because I show myself
Very little love if any praise
I’ve always fallen
Flat felt like a caged animal
My one true voice
As unpleasant as it often is
Brings me a little hope and joy
An escape for a few moments
A way outta my head
Poetry my one and only therapy

ONLY YOU
Who am I
Without you
Broken no longer
I give it all to you
The road to heaven awaits
Take the wheel and stear
Rainbow in
Thee dark
Guiding light
My anchor in stormy seas
Still here today
Because of your love for me
Eternally grateful
Humbled daily
My everything
High and mighty
In you all things
Are possible I’m not worthy
Your mercy and grace
Fills my cup
Have held me together
Throughout the years
Trials and tribulations have
Come and gone
The one constant is you
By my side
You hold me together
Save a seat
For me at home
Keep me in your heart
Know that I’m not perfect
Your protection shields
From the hate and negativity
That fills my world
Frees me from my sins
Blessings abundant
Your water gives me life
Your blood flows through my veins
Without you I’m nothing
With you all things become a virtue

Winding rivers
I bathe in
Stirring
False narratives
Bleed the same
Slowly
Excavating my soul
Pulling levers hoping
One should open
Elevators up to the top floor
Eventually it all crashes down
Shiny diamonds
Barricading me in there awe
Rusty copper Pennie’s
That’s more like it
Thunder and lightning
I wanna see
My skies align
Rolling hills
No end insight
Breach of contract
You and I
Never truly aligned
Like fire and ice canceling
Each other out
Never a perfect match
Hyperventilating telepathic waves
The stewing ghosts
In my closet  
Wish they knew
Like I do
How I hurt like hell
Confusing illusions daylight
To my wallowing nights  
Desperately seeking
A muse too take the lid off
Some kind of
Joyfulness to put me in it’s vise grip  
An antidote for the agony
To go away for a while
The outer spaces
Of my mind or something like paradise
Oh how I long for them

RELINQUISH
Holy water
Protection from me
Everlasting sunlight
A coat of armor
Thee afterlife
A place of peace
Safe from harm
When the dust
Finally settles
Emerging
From the carnage
My mind
Is a complex machine
And may never go
Completely quiet
But one day
I shall flourish
Without you in complete control
I will no longer be
The fuel on your fire
A match you can just
pick up
A constant victim
Your prisoner no longer
Enough already
It’s been long enough
Scaling back
Turning the channel
Your yesterday’s news
You will no longer
Wrap your arms around
Me like chains I couldn’t
Break free from
I’m putting my sword
Down I don’t wanna
Fight you another day
Here’s to a bittersweet farewell
Goodbye my enemy
Forever so long
I’m surrendering
To a different idea point of view
I’m relinquishing your
Very existence
Dropping the same ole sad songs
And preparing
For my moment of solstice
Along with
A multitude of comforting peaceful
Moments
Deafening blues and gray skies
No longer relevant
I can finally hear clearly
See my light at the end of the tunnel

RITUAL
Belle of the ball
Turns to tar
Never too reconvene
Egregious serpent
Here furthermore  
Target someone else
Off to never land
Limbs and debris
Six feet of gravel
Unwritten tablet
Dejected as I am
Whistling winds
Drain my arteries
Wishful thinking
I got caught by a robber
Looking inside my crystal ball
When you
Get sadder
And stuff it all down
It only stiffens to a board
That much easier to translate
Then comes back
And blindsides you out of nowhere
Provoking
The none ****** insanity
Only rubs salt in thee wounds
Makes me that much more uneasy
The rituals that
Run wild with time
Take me in there grasp
Voodoo dolls
Constantly poking and prodding
Theoretically applied in my skin
Gently
The sun is burning
In my dead sky’s
Solemnly heard
My moon is howling in the mist
Keep the wolves at bay
Get me the hell outta here  
I really don’t want
To outlive everyone else
I would rather everyone else outlive Poor ole me
That’s a simple known fact of mine
And just let me get to home base first
Let these rituals be the sacrifice
Of someone else not my own

BILLBOARD
Fraying
Paper heart cuts
A penny for my thoughts
The sinking feelings
In the back of my head
Swell
Has the quicksand won
Falling short
The hourglass has fallen
Fly on the wall
Shocked
Talking to god
Black butterfly sputters
Stuck in a cocoon
Trying to disguise
The hurting
Defuse the situation
At all cost
Mourning
When the sun
Won’t rise on your street
Advertisements cold and wretched
Far from fake news
From shore to shore
It continues to print tirelessly
Realistically
What exactly
Am I looking at
Head in my hands
All this blasphemy
Nazareth
Paint a prettier scenery
Produce much better results
Someone call a hearse
Inner circle
Who’s pulling the strings
Holy wars
I’m all ears
Dark ballads
Never missed
There mark
They mocked and prodded
Any chance they got
No vacancy sign
Guess it wasn’t bright enough to see
Clearly
Yet you all lived
In my head rent free
Like a bad neighborhood since birth
And I want what I’m owed
Plus back pay
A billboard that should be
Burned to scrap donated elsewhere
Idyll as I am
I’ll take a one way ticket to a new euphoria

SCINTILLATING SKIES
Curator expired
Expunged realm
Ominous canvas
Outlined in the sands
Washed out at tide
The slates wiped clean
Gate keeper
Catcher of dreams
Take aim at me
My acid rain
Showers halted
Exchanged for infinite baths
With you
When the truest hurts
No longer need comforting
And I’m finally cured  
Entirely freed of all this
Breaths of fresh air
Come easy
Finally embraced at long last
Tiny dancers on my shoulders
Singing in hymns
Telling me it’s finally
Okay to roam amongst thee
Maybe it’s
Confession time I’m long overdue
Time to lay it all  
Out there for him to see
As if he already hasn’t
My heaviest burdens
At the feet of the lord
For him to see and hear
Loud and clearly  
One day my
Appeal may be heard
And I shall be granted my freedom
To have all I need
Certainly none of this
In pure abundance
What a moment
Then maybe you’ll be able
See the clarity in my eyes
Feel my heart beat steadily
And then just then
I’ll be able to take off my black robe
That’s held me in it’s wrath
All my life
Scintillating skies no longer elude
They uplift and whisk away my soul
Finally knowing I’m whole again home

Dancing willows
Spotless movements
Never my own
Monumental gains
Unachieved
Overcome
With attrition
Last call
Use me up
And just let me go
Life’s guilty pleasures
I never found comfort in
Unlit avenues
The face of
A thousands heartaches
The stillness
Painted me like a sad scenery
As everything
Else moved about  
A grounded flight sat and wondered
Flawed character
My nostalgia ran
It’s course
The sentiments only
Grew dimmer
As time stood still against me
I became frozen
I’d gladly
Trade a pound
Of my own flesh
For an ounce of ecstasy
My darkest days here
For a slice of the pie
In the sky
Self aware of just how
Baldy and broken I’ve always been
Self acceptance the one thing
I could never truly deliver for myself

SOMETHING LIKE A REVERIE
Volumes
That never shut off
Breathing in
Thee light and dark
Decipher fact from fiction
If you can
Apparitions
Far from a fairytale
Few and far
Shadows and shift shapers
Rolling winds
Ordinary wouldn’t
That be something
Unrelenting
Happy thoughts
Come and go
I wish they’d stay
A little bit longer
How can one
Be alive
Yet deep inside feel so
Dead to a world
He never belonged in
Often things can
Appear to good to be true
So never fall for thee lies
They can be misleading
And spread like wildfires
Why can’t I just stay here a
Little bit longer in this
Make believe place
My reverie dream state
Close the door and lock it up tight
Behind me
When I close my eyes
Things are suppose to be quiet
If only that were thee case
For someone like me
Let these elixirs fill me up
Help medicate my twisted thoughts
And erase thee melancholy
That continually eats
Away at my soul
Make me believe
Maybe for a moment
That it’s okay feeling thee way I do

THEN YOU CAME
Time we can’t
Get back
All we have is today
This very moment
Nothing less
Let’s make thee most of it
So lost before
Empty dirt roads
Consumed me
I was looking for
A wholesome highway
A light at the end of thee tunnel
Out of the darkness  
I walked alone
For a very longtime
Guarded my heart
Kept my head down
Had no interest
In finding a partner
Or love for that matter
I hid myself
Because I never
Felt good enough
For anyone else
Let alone myself
I’ve had
To make adjustments
Step out of
My comfort zone
And that’s not always easy
Wether I
Deserved you or not
I’m eternally grateful
To have you
It all happened for a reason
Then you came
And now you’ve
Become thee
Best parts of me
Worth seeing
The lord works
In mysterious ways
An Angel appears
When you least expect it
Out of nowhere
You changed my life
Good things come
To those who wait
It was a miracle finally
And I never saw it coming
Like a flower in bloom
I had no expectations
Just a hope of sorts
You were different
Sweet to thee core
Took the time
To get to know
The real me no judgments
A beating heart like no other
Three years later
Through thick and thin
It’s a lot of work
And here we are
But for thee first time
Feels worth it to me
Feels like a dream
Worth waking up too
The lord
He must have known
What he was doing
All along
Bringing us together
Many wrong turns before this
Finally I made thee right one
Then came you

UTOPIA  
You take thee
Dullness away
A sparkle
Like no other
Your my
Light at thee end
Of the tunnel
How could this be
All because of your
Unconditional  love for me
Happier days
Lights shining brightly
Nights alone gone evaporated
Heartache subsiding
A gift sent
From thee heavens above
I couldn’t ask for anything more
Am I truly deserving
Of such fulfillment
Maybe so
Thee stars aligned
Just right
Dreams becoming a reality
Minds becoming clearer
Heart is filled with joy
Pinch me I must be dreaming
Don’t ever let me wake up
A shooting star appeared
Right place
Right time
I wished upon
Suddenly came to fruition
I’m blessed to have you by my side
Wouldn’t want it any other way
From thee bottom of my heart
I’ll love you tell my very last breath
You can always count on me
I’ll never leave your side
Thanks for always believing in me
Being there when no else was
Because of you
I’ve learned too live again truly