The rarity I’m trying to find
The special one
Who’s soul fits mine
One of a kind
So hard to find

It cannot only be me
Who unfortunately
Thinks to myself
Bashedly
“If I were to go
Would they even know?
Stand in the doorway
And want to say
“You won’t see me from this day”
But it would be foolish show of despair
I’m not going anywhere

What do I do with all my time now
When I used to spend all my time
Thinking of you?
It’s not something that can be worked
Through
So I’ve got to get used to un-youing
You
Clearly not an easy task to do

He’s such an amazing guy
Who’s only fault is that
He looks like Harvey Weinstein
Oh my

I’m in this moment now
And I don’t know you
Something I’ll continuously have to accept
But not my whole life through
It isn’t painful
Though not without ache
I’ll move past it, someday
I am destined for a different fate
I’m happy and blessed
Either way
Thank you
For being
Someone to aspire to

I see you
Following after that boy
You've attached your soul to him
He treats you like a hag
While you treat him like a king
He puts you down
And ***** your spirit
We all tell you of this
But you refuse to hear it
And it's the you that we
Knew
Before he made you do
All the things so not you
That we sorely miss

I have a super power
Invisibility
Nobody notices me
Trying to see the bright side
In current realities
Which is probably a super power too

I wrote two poems about how much I missed you
And you’ve only been gone for a day
I posted
Reconsidered
Deleted
I was scared to come off that way
I didn’t want to appear needy
Or make you feel you couldn’t go away
Too much overthinking
Or maybe too much truth
I have to admit to myself
That I need you
And now, I’m here
Admitting it
To you
I feel your absence right into my chest
Awaiting you with bated breath
And I deleted those poems
I was too shy to show
And I thought to myself
If I’m scared to tell you
It’s probably something you should know
So this is the new,  undeleted poem
Putting my weakness for you
Right on show

I wonder about the smell of your skin
If I could, I would breathe it in
Whether ***** and sweaty
Or fresh and clean
I bet the scent would be supreme
I wonder about the curve of your hand
And how it would feel in mine
In my imagination
The fit would be sublime
I wonder about the aura of your presence
What color I would feel
I imagine it as a sparkly rainbow
Exotic and surreal
I wonder about how you sleep
On your stomach, side, or back
I wonder if I’ll ever know
Or if it’s this knowledge I will always lack

She goes far under the surface
When you look for it
At short glance
She’s paper thin
But if you choose to look again
She tingles at your eyes
An unexpected surprise
Once you realize
Paper thin
Can get under your skin

Hey girls, gather round
Listen to what I'm puttin' down
Hey, baby, I'm your handy man
I'm not the kind that uses pencil or rule
I'm handy with the love and I'm no fool
I fix broken hearts, I know I truly can
If your broken heart, she needs repair
Then I'm the man to see, I whisper sweet things
You tell all your friends, they'll come running to me
Here is the main thing I want to say
I'm busy twenty four hours a day
I fix broken hearts, I know that I truly can
Come, come, come, come, come, come, come
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, oh now
They'll come runnin' to me
Here is the main thing I want to say
I'm busy twenty four hours a day
I fix broken hearts, baby I'm your handy man
Come, come, come, come, come, come, come
Yeah, yeah, yeah

You wanted to pretend he would love you forever
When you knew it could never be
You blame him, now, because he couldn't live up to the fantasy
You knew you shouldn't beleive
You tell all his secrets
In and out the sheets
Hating him for ending
Something that could never be

It must be a roller coaster
Being my muse
One day, you’re perfect
The next
You **** moldy rocks
I have many muses
Hundreds even
And I could write one
*******, ******* poem
And who knows how many people
Would think, “maybe I am an *******.”
It’s the reverse muse
The dark matter in between
The effect on the author
And
The effect on the muse
Who is really just an innocent party
Judged throughout time
Via a burn in poetry
Nobody knows it’s you, maybe
But it’s all in the energy
Kept alive through my poetry
And I am shallow and petty
But it feels like sinless revenge to me

I used to blame you
For who you pretended to be
But now I blame me
For who I wanted to see

You turned me on
On purpose
I know you knew
Exactly how to
Tingle and jingle
My insides
Giving me all those good lovin’ vibes
You started off ahead of the game
With all that **** confidence
So **** hard to resist
A man who knows he’s got good lovin’
To give
You spread it thin
But I’ll still be taking my hit
When you come around again

I am simply just there
Always, on most days
“Here she comes, again.”
If anyone even happens to notice when
I am obscure me
A fixture of the scene
A branch in a forest of trees
A cow in the herd
Mooing lonely words
The farmer don’t notice me
And I suppose for that
I should feel relieved

I can't tell if you're a beleiver
Or if you really wish you could
But your excitement
Is not infectious
It is disturbing
With your wide-eyed
Very vocal blindness
Refusing to notice holes and flaws
That I know you've surely seen
You may not be insane
But you're somewhere in between.

Your apology came with a guilt trip
That's not an apology
Or even an excuse
You would have done better to say nothing
Than something with so little use

He said
“I need a break from you”
And you simply could not hear it
Called and knocked upon his door
Everywhere he was
You were right near it
And you complained to all of us
With genuine confusion
“Why is he pulling away from me”
You lived in a delusion
Told yourself he was mistaken
And he surely needed you
And as hard as he tried to pull away
There was nothing he could do
You refused to let go
He became exasperated
Cut himself off, completely
Pretended you never even dated
Today, you still drive past his house
And often you will beep
Forcing your presence known
He’s begging to be left alone
You scare off anyone new
Thinking if he has no choice
He will have to pick you
And now he hates you passionately
Ironically
Since passion was what you were trying to seek

I was born in Massachusetts
But you put the Boston in me
Adventures by land and by sea
You’ve been gone a while
But the Boston in me
Will always be

I want to be angry with you
Over something you didn’t know you were supposed to do
Unreasonable
It’s true
But anger seldom thinks clearly
It sits in my chest
Makes a big mess
Takes away happiness’ success
And so
I pretend
And bend
Smile and remember that we are friends
The feeling is still there
Ignored by me
And ignored by you
Even more thoroughly
As you pretend
And bend
And act like you don’t see
Frustration welling up in me

I want to tell you what you should do
Let you know what’s best for you
And who
Is best for you, too
But it would defeat the purpose
Of pure love
To insist I’m the one you can’t resist
When clearly you barely notice
I want to tell you it’s your loss
But you seem to be just fine
Not noticing I’m alive
But

It really is your loss

Your identity
Is wrapped in the chains
Of victimhood
Perhaps you don’t know how to be
Anything else
You call yourself a survivor
With fan fare
And tassels
Dwelling on survival
Is dwelling on what you survived
Free yourself of the shackles
That chain you to your weakness
Pretending you are not tied
Focused on how you got out
Keeps you on the inside

I envy those who have the privilege of wearing their hearts on their sleeves
Mine is right on my forehead
In the game of coy
I cannot win
If I grow bangs
It moves down to my chin

I’m not your one
It is, and has been clear and plain
To see
Everyone else probably saw it
Except me
It took me so long
To let go of a distorted dream
I’m not the one for you
So obviously
You’re not the one for me

It wasn’t ever gonna be
So I destroyed it purposely
That way I could make myself believe
The rejection came from me
Minds play games
Desperately
I wonder how long it will be
Until I stop writing him poetry

Sometimes I come here with nothing to say
And try to say nothing
Eloquently

Let me order your chaos
And disrupt your still
Let me be your evil queen
Poison apples
Of red and green
Death so serene
It will feel like a dream
I say all that
But it’s no horror scene
I’m not as dangerous
As I seem

I wish I could say that he took me for granted
But he took me for nothing at all
His disinterest would have been legendary
If there was a measure for how much someone don’t want to see
I got on my knees
Said lots of pleas
Asked for help from a God I don’t truly believe
Wrote a whole lot of poetry
Shared lots of music, too
Tried everything I could think to do
He didn’t appreciate even one bit
Nothing ever to come of it
That’s his right
No hard feelings
All my might, I tried
Never got one toe inside
Nothing granted
Except this free ride
Round and round
On the invisible train
To nowhere town

I am the freak
Who pretends to be normal
But then again, so are you
There ain’t no “normal” humans
Just things we don’t tell other people we do

How flighty is the memory?
Some things we forget
Immediately
“Did I say I’d help you move?
Oh no; I forgot
I’m so sorry”
Other things, though
Stay in our minds
So long
Until the end of your time
That girl who talked crap
When you were eleven
You’ll be remembering her
When you’re in Heaven
But when hubby tells  you
“Wow, you look great”
That memory won’t even last the day
We’re a flighty  bunch
We human beings
Selective with our memories

Church
How many souls are here only to be seen
Dressed up in their best
Social events
Where everybody agrees
Who among the crowd
Would dress humbly
In a plain frock
Like Jesus would be?
Those who came to see
And those who came to be seen

He doesn’t exist
Who I think you be
And though I know that
It is irrelevant to me
I see what I see
Inside your eyes
Infinite possibilities
A gentle soul
Looking for me

I wish I was the type of romantic
Who felt confident in making
Forever promises
I suppose the right one
Doesn’t exist for me
I’m luckier than most
In lots of other ways
A one and only
Might be too much to hope for
Though so many people seem to find it
Or think they’ve found it
In reality
Very few actually do
But even still
They tried
It’s probably me who is the fool

Self sabotage
When it’s happening
Feels perfectly justified
Something inside
Gets fried
Maybe from too much pain
Pretending to feel sane
And having no right to complain
Brings about exhausted brain
Frustration, and even pain
Longing isn’t a happy place
Stepping and stepping every day
Yet no closer  to winning any race
No rewards
And this leads to self sabotage

Who knows what could be
The result of all this poetry
That he pretends he does not see

I woo him so earnestly
Practically
Like a knight trying to earn
The badge of chivalry
I give him all of me
Albeit distantly
And he pays little to no
Attention to me
Hurtful it be
Because I take it so personally
But how else could one perceive
Baring their soul to somebody
Who does not want to see?
Sometimes I wish he would say
“*****, would you just go away”
He’s got no motivation to speak
My game is too weak
I’m past my peak
I’m not what he seeks
I need lots of tweaks
And then
I realize
It’s really got nothing to do with me
Sometimes there’s just no reason
Things cannot be
And the fault doesn’t lie
With him
Or with me
It might just not be meant to be
And I’m still happy
I really like me
And even though he don’t want it that way
He probably will agree
As far as admirers go
He couldn’t do much better than me
So I’ll keep on admiring
Because he’s so worthy

This mission
A mere 18 words
Survival is finishing
Winning is finishing early

I didn’t crawl through shards of glass
I didn’t have to scoot upon my ***
I’ve never walked through any fire
Never balanced upon a thin high wire
I wasn’t forced through an electrified grid
But I got no head start, like others did

I think it’s probably running dry
When no one else has caught my eye
Directionless
As far as romance goes
Hope the next way I roam
Isn’t destined to remain
Never a home

I am proud of myself
For letting you go
There was a time
I didn’t think it possible
But here I am, sights on someone new
Walking away
With nothing but love for you
Ain’t much different
This girl can do

They say “never settle”
What a privilege it must be
To think so optimistically
Should one aspire towards
The best
Who isn’t interested in me
Do I chase forever desperately
Solitarily
The one
Who will never settle for me?

How does one go about mourning
The loss of something they never had?
This must be what motivates
The villains to turn bad
When what could maybe be
Has really
Always been

Never will happen

One can let it smolder and burn to ash
Or kick that “ain’t gonna happen”
Out on it’s ***
I’m the type to be
Foolish and brash
Particularly when I run out of gas
I thought it was solar powered
But it’s not renewable
It turns out
However
To be entirely screwable
And now it’s in so tight
The head has disappeared
But the mark that it left
Will be there for years

At one point
Long ago
I thought you were the smartest guy
I ever did know
Now
Years down the road
I read our old messages
And see how much I’ve grown
What a fool I used to be
Falling for those tired lines
And lies
Yet, I can’t help but be so **** happy
About all those lessons you
Didn’t mean to teach me

One of us
Owes the other
An apology
The guilty party
Is me
But I twist it to such a degree
I truly believe
I had a good reason to…
Shut up
Self
That’s the ego in me
Feeding me
Stupidity
*******, ignorant foolish, moronic
Bad decision to the speed of sonic
BOOM
Set fire to
The entire
ROOM
But I don’t back out gracefully
Like I should do
Instead
I play a hundred tunes
About fire and heat and burning alive
There I go, spilling out jive
As if that could possibly
Put out a fire

He walked into the room without knowing he was the only one who had a chair

Why I gotta be
Left with regrets
Over things that are never gonna happen
Yet
Someday, some glorious day
It’ll happen
I bet
And this is how I pretend
I don’t have regrets

Theatrics
Attract us
We love to see a show
Looked at from our lens
Over the crowd
The one we notice
Is flailing about

I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him, and listen for a while
And there he was, this young boy, stranger to my eyes
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he'd found my letters and read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

It was my fault
Really
I tried to blame you
For pretending not to see
But I should have known
Your disinterest was a “no”
I had every reason to go
Just like I do now
Yet here I am
With five encores
And twelve final bows
As a means of explanation
To nobody else but me
Trying to understand
Why I held on so pitifully
I must have gotten something from it
It healed something to some degree
I chained myself to a dream
And now I call myself free
But here I still stay
Tethered to thee