You don’t love me back
You don’t love me the way I love you
You don’t love me at all
It hurts to say it but that’s the truth
You don’t love me
Everything about you excites me
But you don’t find anything about me exciting
Doesn’t help that I’m thousands of miles away
One of the reasons why we couldn’t be
Someone across the country had cheated on you
And it broke you so bad
That you couldn’t love me
But there was always a “just wait for me”
And
“You’ll have my kids”
And
“We’ll be married”
And all these things that meant something then
But nothing now
And we both knew
What it would end up being
Nothing
Everything that came out of your mouth was a lie
You never loved me
You never said it
But I thought I felt it
And I loved you too
Too hard
And it broke me so bad
That I still loved you
I just couldn’t love me anymore
And sometimes I think I still do
Sometimes I don’t feel it
And sometimes it’s all too much
Still stuck on the same person from years before
Why can’t I just take the rejection
And let it go
Why can’t I just be alone
Why?

I knew I was going to fall in love with him
When I heard his voice on the other side of the phone
I knew I was going to fall in love with him before it was even real between us
And we were tight
Everyday we talked
And everyday we shared
And I realized
That I had fallen in fast
And way too deep
I lost it a few times
But brought myself back on my feet
And he’s knocked me down so many times
Yet
Still I rise
And it hurt
But I kept going
Until he said “I cherish you as a friend”
And that’s when I realized
That I swam down to the bottom
And wasn’t sure if I’d make it back up
I’d lost myself in him
And couldn’t find the exit
And all I could was grip
And clutch onto something
That no longer wanted me
I was being held captive by his voice
And by my broken heart
Who just couldn’t let go
I’ll always have love for him
But I know that it won’t ever be
Even all of those times when he said “just wait for me”
I can’t wait any longer
I have a life to live
But I know one day we’ll speak again
And we’ll do these things
All over again

Let me tell you a secret of mine
I think it’s time
That everyone knows
How broken I am
Because no one knows
How much my heart is shattered
No one knows
That my fate may be death
And I don’t know if that’s my happy ending or not
I miss my old self so much
That sometimes it’s hard to remember why I changed in the first place
And I want to go back
But I don’t know if I could go back
I don’t know if I want to go back
I was shy and fragile back then
I’m shy fragile and bit less of a crybaby now
It’s just that no one knows
That I still cry at night
And I wish I could die
And that I’ve wanted to place the razor to my wrist so many times
No one knows
That I miss me
I miss me so much
I want to be me again
But I don’t know how
I don’t know how
I don’t know how
I-
Maybe I shouldn’t try at all
I guess I’ll pretend to be okay

i wonder
what it feels like
to be confident in everything i do
i wonder
what it feels like
to know someone loves you
i wonder
what it feels like
to wake up with a smile on your face
i wonder
what it feels like
to be happy for longer than an hour
without wanting to wither away
i wonder
what it feels like
to stop thinking these thoughts
i wonder
what it feels like
to stop thinking at all

I’m sorry.
It is me.
But it’s not.
It’s paranoia.
It’s fear.
But it’s mine.

I’m scared I’m doing too much.
Too little.
Trying too hard.
Not enough.
Not giving you space.
Giving too much.

So I’ll stop.
I’ll let you decide.
Maybe I won’t be paranoid.
I probably will.
But if you don’t want me around
I can disappear.

They say that I’m better off dead
And that my mother should’ve swallowed
They say that I’m nothing but a *******
And that’s where I’ll remain
They say plenty of things
But none of those things are nice
I’m their bestfriend
But it never feels like it
Especially when they hand the blade to me
And help me slice my wrists
Or when they make it too loud in my head
And I feel like I’m going to explode
Especially when they tell me
To find a rope
They are my bestfriend
And I hate that I can’t get rid of the monsters in my head
They know me so well
Too well
So well that I can’t escape them
Clutching onto me with their claws
Sinking their sharp teeth into my soul
And holding me hostage
Because they can’t take being alone either
And maybe it’s why sometimes I stay
Because I know they’ll never leave
And although they’re terrible
They haven’t left me behind
Like some other bestfriends

You were right.
He only meant to use you for your body
And not your brains
All for your looks
And not your intellect
He wanted you for one thing
And not the rest
He was just another person
Wasting your time
And another person
Telling you lies
He was just another person
Just an excuse
And he made you question why
He just lied to you
So he could get his nut off
And have fun
While you cry
And he smiles
While you die inside
And you wish you never took the chance
Because you got hurt again
And although it won’t be the last time
It’s going to hurt for a while